For forty years I have wrestled with a relationship with my mother. I always knew something was desperately wrong with her. Our relationship was reversed since I can remember. She has always been very dependent on men (married three times), OVERLY dramatic, a complete hypochondriac, a martyr, so selfish and self-centered I do not feel there is a word for it, and seems to live in some kind of fantasy about how life was and is. She, has not been able to hold a job for the past ten years. She is the queen of the guilt trip. For the past ten years, I have had as little interraction with her as possible because no matter what I said or did, she villainized me. I realized I was never going to win so I just quit. Emotionally, I just bugged out.
Now, I will own my part. I was a difficult child. I ran away several times and abused substances, which landed me in rehab at the young age of 19. The home I ran away from was a typical, dysfunctinal alcoholic home. I am still clean and sober today (almost 21 years). I feel blessed in my life as God surrounded me with loving, decent people with wonderful morals and ethics. I live a life with comforts far beyond my needs, have a solid marriage and great kids. In short, I felt like I had slain most of my demons. Well, so I thought.
In my efforts to "not be like my mother", I became a world-class rescuer. A couple of years ago I immediately jumped in to help a charming and vibrant woman who said she was dying of cancer. I was not alone in wanting to assist this family. An entire community jumped in. As usual, though, I went overboard. Well, let me make an incredibly long story short. It was found out that the woman was lying. She had a long history of pathological lying, mostly making up cancers, inoperable tumors, and other bizarre disorders. Only a small number of people new the truth at first, but eventually the rumors were confirmed as people's common sense told them there was no logical way someone who claimed what she claimed could be alive. These people villainize those who find them out. That is what this woman did to me. It was painful. You not only have to deal with the fact that you were used and duped, you have to deal with a character assassination, as well.
I was recommended to read "People of the Lie". I have almost finished it. This is where the lightbulb went on. My mother is a narcissist! This has a name! I feel empowered and saddened all at once. How much time I have lost? How many hours and hours of my life have I wondered if it was ALL me (not that I do not share my piece) ? How many times have I sat and tried to figure this out, break through??? I am sick at the thought.
I realize I need to heal this. My greatest fear, of course, is that I am carrying this on in some way. To think of my kids sitting in a forum like this in twenty years from now is unbearable. I am here to learn more. It is uncanny the name of the group because for my whole life I have essentially felt "voiceless". Not that I have not been vocal because I have. In my case the vocals all just fell on deaf ears. Denial is a powerful thing.
So, today, I declare that there is a "new sherriff in town". I need to pull it back together and get on with my life. I want to thank you all for being here. I am so grateful. I cannot see you or hear you, but knowing you are there, somewhere and I am not alone is very comforting.