Narcissistic mother...

[ANewSheriff]

For forty years I have wrestled with a relationship with my mother.  I always knew something was desperately wrong with her.  Our relationship was reversed since I can remember.  She has always been very dependent on men (married three times), OVERLY dramatic, a complete hypochondriac, a martyr, so selfish and self-centered I do not feel there is a word for it,  and seems to live in some kind of fantasy about how life was and is.  She, has not been able to hold a job for the past ten years. She is the queen of the guilt trip.  For the past ten years, I have had as little interraction with her as possible because no matter what I said or did, she villainized me.  I realized I was never going to win so I just quit.  Emotionally, I just bugged out.

Now, I will own my part.  I was a difficult child.  I ran away several times and abused substances, which landed me in rehab at the young age of 19.  The home I ran away from was a typical, dysfunctinal alcoholic home.  I am still clean and sober today (almost 21 years).  I feel blessed in my life as God surrounded me with loving, decent people with wonderful morals and ethics.  I live a life with comforts far beyond my needs, have a solid marriage and great kids.  In short, I felt like I had slain most of my demons.  Well, so I thought.

In my efforts to "not be like my mother", I became a world-class rescuer.  A couple of years ago I immediately jumped in to help a charming and vibrant woman who said she was dying of cancer.  I was not alone in wanting to assist this family.  An entire community jumped in.  As usual, though, I went overboard.  Well, let me make an incredibly long story short.  It was found out that the woman was lying.  She had a long history of pathological lying, mostly making up cancers, inoperable tumors, and other bizarre disorders.  Only a small number of people new the truth at first, but eventually the rumors were confirmed as people's common sense told them there was no logical way someone who claimed what she claimed could be alive.  These people villainize those who find them out.  That is what this woman did to me.  It was painful.  You not only have to deal with the fact that you were used and duped, you have to deal with a character assassination, as well. 

I was recommended to read "People of the Lie".  I have almost finished it.  This is where the lightbulb went on.  My mother is a narcissist!  This has a name!  I feel empowered and saddened all at once.  How much time I have lost?   How many hours and hours of my life have I wondered if it was ALL me (not that I do not share my piece) ?  How many times have I sat and tried to figure this out, break through???  I am sick at the thought. 

I realize I need to heal this.  My greatest fear, of course, is that I am carrying this on in some way.  To think of my kids sitting in a forum like this in twenty years from now is unbearable.  I am here to learn more.  It is uncanny the name of the group because for my whole life I have essentially felt "voiceless".  Not that I have not been vocal because I have.  In my case the vocals all just fell on deaf ears.  Denial is a powerful thing. 

So, today, I declare that there is a "new sherriff in town".  I need to pull it back together and get on with my life.  I want to thank you all for being here.  I am so grateful.  I cannot see you or hear you, but knowing you are there, somewhere and I am not alone is very comforting.     

[seasons]

Welcome


Quote:
In my efforts to "not be like my mother", I became a world-class rescuer.  A couple of years ago I immediately jumped in to help a charming and vibrant woman who said she was dying of cancer.  I was not alone in wanting to assist this family.  An entire community jumped in.  As usual, though, I went overboard.  Well, let me make an incredibly long story short.  It was found out that the woman was lying.  She had a long history of pathological lying, mostly making up cancers, inoperable tumors, and other bizarre disorders.  Only a small number of people new the truth at first, but eventually the rumors were confirmed as people's common sense told them there was no logical way someone who claimed what she claimed could be alive.  These people villainize those who find them out.  That is what this woman did to me.  It was painful.  You not only have to deal with the fact that you were used and duped, you have to deal with a character assassination, as well.

So, today, I declare that there is a "new sherriff in town".  I need to pull it back together and get on with my life.  I want to thank you all for being here.  I am so grateful.  I cannot see you or hear you, but knowing you are there, somewhere and I am not alone is very comforting.     

That is horrible, yet I can see how it could of happened. If I wasn't with my sister N during her doctors visits I would of thought for sure it was a lie.  By sharing that I want you to know I can imagine your pain. ((()))

I'm so glad your here. I totally understand the power and strength you receive when you find out what they are actually has a name.

Blessings, seasons

[Hopalong]

Welcome, Sherrif:

My mother is a narcissist!  This has a name!  I feel empowered and saddened all at once.  How much time I have lost?   How many hours and hours of my life have I wondered if it was ALL me (not that I do not share my piece) ?  How many times have I sat and tried to figure this out, break through???  I am sick at the thought.

I have so much compassion for this. I went through the exact same sick shock. It really is shock. They should have special ambulances for people whose N-lightbulbs have just turned on. It's blinding at first. But then, it does eventually become simply light.

(Mine went on when I was 52...same worry for my daughter, who's got her own Nspots.)

The shock will pass, the light will prevail.

So glad you are here.

Hopalong 

[Sugarbear]

I was recommended to read "People of the Lie". I have almost finished it. This is where the lightbulb went on. My mother is a narcissist! This has a name! I feel empowered and saddened all at once. How much time I have lost? How many hours and hours of my life have I wondered if it was ALL me (not that I do not share my piece) ? How many times have I sat and tried to figure this out, break through??? I am sick at the thought.

Hold on to the empowered feeling; it is very sad that you have spent so much of your life blaming yourself for these problems - but you are not a bad person. I've been in the same place... I actually had a very slow awareness of my mother as a narcissist. It was a horrible feeling realizing how twisted the world is when you have been dealing with this type of person, let alone someone that is supposed to be a nurturer and caretaker.

It looks like you are on the right path to healing yourself, tho. I wish you much luck and success.

[ANewSheriff]

Thank you for all the replies and support.  I am beyond grateful.  I have read several sites, postings from individuals, and looked at the diagnostic criteria.  I cannot see anything that does not fit as far as my mother is concerned.  I feel certain that this is what is going on here.  Of course, I want to be careful about labeling and diagnosing.  But, it seems so very crystal clear.  Suddenly, so much makes sense.   

The woman who faked the cancer is obviously very, very sick.  I knew that immediately, of course.  But, I have hung onto the pain and anger of that for well over a year - no doubt because it did indeed strike a deeper chord in me.  It has taken a tremendous toll.   It is time for me to release the that to the Universe and move on.

When I read these courageous postings, I often feel as if I am reading my own story.  Amazing.  I suppose God brought this to me in his time.  There has been something very freeing about being able to name this.  There is something very cathartic about being able to wirte this and hear a validating response, as well.  Today - I feel like I can breathe again.  Thank you...

ANewSheriff   

[mum]

Welcome, ANewSheriff!  I felt a similar sense of relief and sadness when I finally figured out what my ex husband's "damage" actually was....and a great sense of awe when I found this board.  I could not have known then, how important it would be to find people who had also been harmed by the liars...
I consider this place part of my healing. You certainly sound ready to claim your life back!!

Sending love and light.
Mum

[Sela]

Yes, welcome ANewSherrif!

They say knowledge is power and for me.....it has helped to think of it that way.

To know......or learn this N stuff gave me the power to claim my life and my sanity back.  I'm not the crazy one!!
Hallelujah!!

To understand the behaviors associated with the disorder.......gives me the power to dodge the traps, deal with them, or detach from them (often, the most useful of all responses).

To learn that others understand and know what if feels like to have such experiences and to understand their experiences ......the feelings it all generates......is powerful in that I don't feel so weak and all alone.  There is a whole powerful army of us here fighting off the pain, the effects......of it all and I believe we will win the war against helplessness, victimhood, denial, deceit, betrayal, devaluation, voicelessness and the emotional hostage-like states some of us get caught up in.

There is hope here.    Glad you found us.

  Sela

[ANewSheriff]

Seasons, Hopalong, Sugarbear, Teartracks, Mum, Stormchild, and Sela:

Thanks for your support.  I have been in and out of the board reading many of your correspondences.  You are all very insightful, creative, caring individuals.  I will admit to still being very cautious after the experiences I had over the past couple of years.  An on-line group is a bit scary.  I followed Hopalong's link to the psychologist who was had once by a narcissist and then, again, by an on-line predator. Eeks!   It feels safe here, though.

I have been thinking a lot about evil ("People of the Lie") and dysfunction and what is normal/healthy versus what is not.  The My Lai massacre that Peck writes about intrigued me so much I did some more research.  How is it that all these soldiers suddenly abandoned all their moral and ethical principles and participated in such carnage?  The destruction was one thing.  The cover-up was just as disturbing, though.  For over a year nobody said a word - tick, tock, tick, tock - until finally somebody stepped up and drew back the curtain of deceit. 

I transfer this over to the embarrassment, shame, and thus denial there is in a family with a secret.  What is different about the individual who blows the whistle?  Why do some people "rise above the herd" and willingly sacrifice themselves when everybody else seems content, even preferential to the status quo?  How do those living with the truth justify or rationalize their lethargy?   

This seems to be a panel of "truth seekers".  I believe those who blow whistles, whether it be something as big as a military cover-up, announcing there is a drug addict in the family, or even something as simple as admitting, "Yes, Dear.  You do look fat in those pants." are different. 

I wonder how many of you not only had the pain of dealing with a very unhealthy relationship (dare I say person with a mental illness?), but also the negative consequences of being the "front man" - the one who exposed the truth.  It seems that many are not only uncomfortable with, but downright opposed to reality. 

ANewSheriff                         

[Hopalong]

Howdy, Sherrif:

I think, unfortunately, that most whistle-blowers find that only people with sheepdog hearing want to hear them.

IOW, blowing the whistle within a dysfunctional family about the main offender's dysfunction is often a waste of breath. More often, whistle-swallowers are embedded in the play to the point that to change roles would threaten them more than relieve them. It's just too painful and destablizing for some people to change. I only woke up because my suffering forced me to. I had no skill at being numb.

I blow my whistle...but only a few folks want to hear it.

My life lesson has been to make peace with that. And also to realize that on other subjects, wise observant people are blasting trumpets in my ears that I often don't hear at all.

Hops

[ANewSheriff]

Hopalong:  And also to realize that on other subjects, wise observant people are blasting trumpets in my ears that I often don't hear at all.

ANewSheriff:  I had to giggle reading this.  I often say that if I lined up all the people who were waiting for me to change, I would break some record for the world's longest human change.  I hear ya, Sistah!

[Gail]

Hi ANewSherrif,

I read People of the Lie when I was going through the divorce process.  It was quite a book and helped me put my finger on how I felt about some people's behavior.  I guess what I got out of it was how careful we need to be of people who act with evil motives.  They have no conscience, (or if they do, they ignore it), and no empathy for others' suffering.

I am blessed to have had a "best friend" my entire life--really from infancy.  We haven't lived near each other for 20 years, and have only seen each other a handful of times, but still have this incredible bond.  Our parents were also best friends, so we share qutie a history.  We were able to visit this summer and were talking about all the craziness we've endured in our lives--with family members, and ex husbands mostly.  Some of it is still going on.  I thought about how all that craziness does make a person feel "soiled".   As we were reminding each other of all that happened to the two of us, and the circumstances of our lives that were still fairly nuts, we experienced the gift of laughter which was very healing.

BF helped me some with dealing with my past, although it was in a different context than what we deal with in this board.  It was how the past is gone, nothing can be done about it, so he always concerns himself with the present and future.  I know that's not entirely true, as we need to understand the past, but we truly can do absolutely nothing about it.  We can't change the family members we grew up with, we can't change past experiences in bad relationships, we can't undo any wrongs we have done or that have been done to us.  All we have is right now, and a promise for the future.  I've gotten to the point where I don't want "them" (those past N's in my life) to ruin any more time I have left on this earth. 

I think that's why the book helped me so much.  I could see that, when dealing with someone with malignant motives, nothing we can do or not do is going to change their motives.  Whenever I find myself overanalyzing what I've done, I realize I'm dealing with a crazy maker, and possibly a person who fits the description of a narcissist.  People with good motives, and a normal sense of empathy, don't want to make other people feel off balance, guilty, or inferior.

Gail

[Hopalong]

we need to understand the past, but we truly can do absolutely nothing about it.  We can't change the family members we grew up with, we can't change past experiences in bad relationships, we can't undo any wrongs we have done or that have been done to us.  All we have is right now, and a promise for the future.  I've gotten to the point where I don't want "them" (those past N's in my life) to ruin any more time I have left on this earth.

Thank you, Gail.
Hard to believe you could crank this out with all you've just been through.

What sanity.

Hops

[Sallying Forth]

I transfer this over to the embarrassment, shame, and thus denial there is in a family with a secret.  What is different about the individual who blows the whistle?  Why do some people "rise above the herd" and willingly sacrifice themselves when everybody else seems content, even preferential to the status quo?  How do those living with the truth justify or rationalize their lethargy? 

I wonder how many of you not only had the pain of dealing with a very unhealthy relationship (dare I say person with a mental illness?), but also the negative consequences of being the "front man" - the one who exposed the truth.  It seems that many are not only uncomfortable with, but downright opposed to reality. 

ANewSheriff                         

Hello ANewSheriff,
As I have read and experienced over and over again, the person who carries the most pain is the one who enters therapy and tells the family secret. This is also the healthiest member of the family.

[ANewSheriff]

Sallyingforth,

Thank you for that.  I finished "People of the Lie" and Peck contends that it is more likely that those who are willing to endure suffering are those who are the most emotionaly healthy.  I have been thinking about this a lot.  I have found solace in those who have a craving for self inspection.  It seems rare, though.

I have not been in therapy for years and years, but was feeling so "crazy" and invalidated that I recently came to the the conclusion I must be the one with the problem. So, I took my humility pill, pulled out my box of character defects, and called a therapist ready to go to work.  I laid out everything as objectively as I was capable of.  I pondered with her my most looming questions:  Was I out of touch with reality?  If I was in touch, then was I a troublemaker? 

Well, I still have not come to a concrete answer to those questions.  I am trying to be courageous and resist the urge to turn the other way and not contemplate those questions at all.  My goodness, I certainly hope that I will find that I am okay.   

One light I have found is that there is very likely an undiagnosed psychiatric diagnosis that has  brought me such tremendous grief over the years.  Knowing this is so unimaginably relieving.  I am trying to keep the focus on my own recovery and healing and away from the two individuals who have created such distress for myself and others.  It is very hard.  I want to shift away from me and point fingers.  For me, that is a not okay.

Today, I am just trying to breathe acceptance.  That means not liking much of what is going on in my life, but accepting things are what they are and ceasing to continue to try and change the way that others preceive or respond to the world around them, however unhealthy and dishonest I think it is.  I am in the process of letting go.  It is is painful, but there is a freedom in it which I have not known before.

ANewSheriff                     

[reallyME]

I just want to commend all of you who have read books about N's and personality disorders!  Keep reading, seeking, pursuing and STANDING...you will be free and able to  help others who are where you used to be.

~ReallyME