Feeling like a horrible parent today

[movinon]

Hi all,

Well, I totally LOST it w/ my 6 yo D this morning.  Firstly morning are tough b/c she dawdles so much.  Well this morning I had to do the old "hurry up" routine and she proceeds to start SCREAMING at me.  Mind you she just came back from a weekend w/ her wonderful, perfect father. 

Well I lost it.  I screamed at her about talking to me like that.  If that were the end of it, I would not have felt so badly, but I proceeded to have verbal diarreah until I dropped her off at daycare.  I didn't even kiss or hug her goodbye. 

When I picked her up from her dad's house yesterday, she cried and cried and said she wanted her daddy.  SHe also told me that her daddy finally told her he had a gf and had lied to her.  This child never screams at him or treats HIM like crap. 

I went off and asked if she wanted to go and live w/ him and she said "yes."  I told her that his gf was sick and she was a slut (I know that was HORRIBLE!).  I even asked if she wanted HER to be her mommy b/c I was crap.

I'm just SICK of doing the right thing and getting sh*t on.  He is a raving sex addict and is on his second gf w/in weeks of seperating from me and "He's the best."  He CHOSE not to see our D for over 5 weeks, but he's still the "best".   She wouldn't even THINK of getting mad at him or talking back to him. 

She even took the gf's side saying "She's fun."  How nice.  I guess I'm just an ogre...a mean, hateful ogre.  I scrimp and save for her to have things that she wants, I pay attention to her emotional health (besides this morning), I make all the health appts., I struggle with her b/c she hates to do h/w, I'm there to hold her when her wonderful dad does something stupid or doesn't show up, but none of that seems to count b/c I'm not "FUN" enough. 

Maybe if I got a bf and started having sex w/ no regard to my D  or where she was located when I engaged in that sex I would be "fun" too.  Maybe if I groped my bf in front of my D, she would think I was the best too.  Maybe if I lied to her, she would think I was the best. 

I'm tired of doing the right thing.

Movinon

[Healing&Hopeful]

Movinon…. Big hugs to you ((((((((((((((((((MO))))))))))))))))))))))

I can understand how hurt and fed up and tired you must be feeling right now…. but your daughter is only 6 years old.  In some ways my Mum had to put up with the same, however I was too scared of her to scream at her, but she did have to put up with me idolising my n dad throughout some of my childhood, when I was around your daughters age.  It wasn’t until I was older that I saw the light so to speak.

Your daughter is going through a very difficult time right now, just as you are.  She may say some things that are hurtful, just as you may.  Kids change their mind also several times a day… maybe he was the best this morning, but I’m pretty sure that she’ll be telling him you’re the best.  And you also don’t know what he’s said to her…. I’ll take an example from my experience to try and explain where I’m coming from.  My n dad showed me his and Mum’s wedding photo, and told me “I was just thought off”.  So I put two and two together and thought, well, they only got married because of me, I was the cause of their mistake etc etc… and a few years after that I said to Mum “well, you only married him because you were pregnant”…. Mum turned round and said “I could slap you for that”.  I was shocked at the time, because I didn’t realise the implications of what I’d said, or the implications of what n dad had said, and was shocked by Mum’s response.  I didn’t understand it, and still don’t to some extent.

And while reading your post, I really thought of No. 2 in Portia’s post, the four agreements… about not taking things personally.

Take care

H&H xx

[Sela]

Dear ((((((((((((((((Movinon)))))))))))))))))))):

Think about it.  She's a little girl and her mommy is super-stressed (because mommy is dealing with the king of jerks but that little girl doesn't know or understand that.  All she knows is she wants her daddy.  Probably not even because he's any kind of daddy to her but because kids want a mommy and a daddy period!).

And mommy is busy, working hard, trying to cope and keep everything together, struggling with so much......financially, emotionally, physically (are you tired physically, Movinon?).  And she's a little girl who wants to have fun.

Ofcourse, it seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeems like more fun at daddy's house.  He doesn't have to deal with her tardiness.  She can take her time and he doesn't mind because he doesn't have to deal with real life and obligations and time schedules and getting anywhere on time.  She can take all the time she wants at daddy's house and this is just fine.

And the girlfriend?  What would she require of your little girl?  Nothing, probably.  The gf is new and if she has any brains whatsoever she isn't going to stampede in and start giving orders.  So .......she's just like a new play mate for your little girl.  Someone new and fun to be around.  The gf doesn't have to deal with real life and teaching anything or guiding or encouraging or disciplining or the physical work of  meals and shopping and laundry and fevers or school or grumpy moods or fussiness or tardiness or anything else real.  The gf can let your daughter do annnnnnnything because it's no skin off her nose.  And it's only for a short visit.

First.........your feelings are valid (people are going to get sick of seeing me write that but I just can't help it!  ).  If there is a single mother alive, especially one who has to deal with a jerk like your ex, who doesn't get where you are.....how you're feeling and the frustration and the anger and the disappointment and the exhaustion etc, etc, etc,.........well...............I just don't think we will find one who doesn't.    Anyone who has been a single mom knows darn close what it's like for you and most have felt similar stuff.

You have a lot on your plate and it's not easy.

So my (as other's have called it.......unsolicited advice) is...........

1.  Please do something for yourself.........find a counsellor/pastor/go to a women's shelter and find someone to talk with about your feelings because right now..........it can't hurt.  It will only help you to have another person on your side, who will listen and help you through your feelings.

2.  Stop .........reacting to your daughter.  Just stop.  Tell yourself you must and do it.
    Instead.......ask........."How does that make you feel?"  and listen.  Talk.  At six.......it's hard to put feelings into words eh?

3.  Believe that she is a sweet little girl who only wants a mommy and a daddy who  love her and that she has a lot on her little plate too.  She has to adapt to all of this change (and to the constant changing going on at his house).  She has to feel and be sensing some of your feelings.......which she may be absorbing and not dealing with well herself.  Believe that she loves you and understand that she needs your constant, reliable, everlasting stabile love.  That's what she longs for (but ofcourse she is too small to know it).  That you will not divorce her.  That you will love her no matter how she behaves.  That you will be there for her and won't disappear and not visit (like her daddy did).

4.  Try to make life at your house a bit more fun.  Play a board game.  Bake some cookies.  Do a craft.  Go for a walk, swim, bike ride.  Anything to be with eachother and enjoying time together.  Focus on her, at those times, and let her know how much you enjoy her, like her, want to be with her.

I'm so sorry for how hard all of this is Movinon.  It's a lot of work and you have to use your last bit of energy to stay close to your child.  As she matures, she will indeed know the difference between those who actually care about her (you) and those who use her for whatever selfish needs they have (her dad) and when that happens......when that awareness comes to her.......she will need you more than ever.

(((((((((((((((Movinon))))))))))))))))

Sela

[Healing&Hopeful]

Hiya Movinon....

Sorry, I didn't mean to hijack your thread.... I was just trying to show that a persons response can be to what has been said in the present, without knowing the whole story leading up to it.

I hope things are better.

Take care

H&H xx

[movinon]

H&H, Sela -

Thanks for your posts.  They were very emotional for me to read.  Yes, I am very stressed and somtimes I don't even realize it - I've been operating on autopilot for so long. 

Sela - So many of the things you said applied - about the gf, about the way he doesn't have to bather himself w/ the daily mundane things, even about coping - he's medicating w/ this woman (and probably even drinking again - he's an alcoholic).  ANd yes, I'm TIRED - physically.  I can't seem to get motivated to excercise, play board games, bake, COOK PERIOD.  It's a daily struggle to merely keep it together (in between my son's lacrosse games) sitting amoungst rich, snobby, married women.

Instead.......ask........."How does that make you feel?"  and listen.  Talk.  At six.......it's hard to put feelings into words eh?

Funny, she's tired of hearing, "I know sweetie, I know you're feeling sad."  She asks me not to say that anymore (when she crying about her dad for the 100th time).

Frankly, I don't know if I want to hear about him and his gf.  I think I can take it, but sometimes I wonder.  Is it okay to say that I don't want to hear about daddy and ms perky?


H&H -

however I was too scared of her to scream at her,

I don't want my D to be scared of me.  She was obviously scared this morning.  She's got a BIG spirit and I don't want to crush that.  She has to deal w/ enough at HIS house.

And I'm sorry about what you went through w/ your mom.  I will try to learn from her mistake.

Movinon

[Healing&Hopeful]

Funny, she's tired of hearing, "I know sweetie, I know you're feeling sad."  She asks me not to say that anymore (when she crying about her dad for the 100th time).

(((((((((((((((((Movinon))))))))))))))))))

Oh sweetie.... your daughter is so young, bless her.  I can only imagine how difficult and tiring it must be for you.  Physically tired and emotionally drained.  I posted on Plucky's post a while ago (by the way, haven't seen you Plucky for ages so I really hope you're ok!), that I believe a happy mummy is a better mummy.

This is unsolicited advice too, but I would like to say it, so if it's useful then all well and good, but if not then leave it.... Maybe a way to think about dealing with this is to try and organise some time.... Do you have much help?  Do you have any friends or family you can rely on?  We all need help sometimes, so say an hour a week that is all yours to do with as you please?  And then maybe an hour a day, three times a week, which is playtime for you and your daughter?  I think that sometimes it helps to book time, like booking meetings.

I can understand why you don't want to hear about him and his gf.... who would.... but maybe an hour drawing or painting will give your daughter the chance to express what she's feeling without telling you directly about it.  Or alternatively is there anyone else your daughter can talk to about it...., maybe say something to her like "Mummy finds it hard when you talk about your dad and his new gf, however Mummy loves you and is here for you, but (aunt, grandma, friend) will listen better than Mummy at the moment."  Again this stems from my own experience where Mum and bio dad hated each other.  Neither wanted to hear about the other, so I ended up not talking to either of them about the other.  It became a juggling act.

I quoted the above because it struck me.... you appreciate that she's feeling sad, you appreciate that it's hard for her too.  Sometimes when she's crying about her dad, maybe a way could be to divert her interest into something fun.  I won't pretend I have all the answers because I don't, but rest assured you are a good person and a good Mum.

Take care

H&H xx

[seasons]

((((((movinon)))))

I can't imagine your anger and frustation.  Hats of to you, for coming hear and letting it out, your brave and honest. Your daughter is so lucky to have you, we know that, you know that and deep down she knows it as well. It's easier to blame, yell and hurt the one you feel the safest with, when your daddy is not being a daddy.
Thanks for sharing that even loving mothers are human and have feelings and needs.
You've recieved wonderful insight and support. I wanted you to know I'm in your corner rooting for you also.

Keep up the fight for goodness. You are inspiring and needed to many women in and out of your situation.

((((seasons)))

[mum]

And Bingo again and again.

Movinon, I have been where you are. Give yourself some love, kiddo. You will more than make up for your emotional response with your daughter very quickly.

YOU are the one she CAN let it out with. You are her safe one.

I would also echo getting counseling or having another adult to blow up at/with, because it's all just confusion for kids, even when they are older. It's not her job to take care of you, even when she is certainly defending/taking care of her dad (Boy, do I know that one).  So you screwed up a bit. That's ok, it gives her permission to screw up, also. Let her know you think it was a mistake.  Nothing wrong with admitting fallibility in front of kids.

Then move on, and be the great mom you are, She will be fine, you will be fine, her dad won't "win" in any way shape or form, unless you think so.

[Hopalong]

Hear, hear, Mum:

So you screwed up a bit. That's ok, it gives her permission to screw up, also. Let her know you think it was a mistake.  Nothing wrong with admitting fallibility in front of kids.

Then move on, and be the great mom you are, She will be fine, you will be fine, her dad won't "win" in any way shape or form, unless you think so

(((((((((((MO))))))))))

I believe a heartfelt (not dramatic, just very serious and sincere) apology is an amazing gift to give a child. And when you do not repeat the loss of control or that kind of outburst, you'll have given her an amazing lesson. People are not perfect, people can make even big mistakes and move forward, etc.

Please, do get going on those sources of release and support for yourself. You can't do this in a miserable isolated bubble. It's not good for you, or for her. You have been under so much pressure and strain, including financial, and it does take a toll. You need some adult-to-adult nurture and care and laughter...and I agree with everyone who's said, you need time to PLAY with your D. To be in the moment and simply be alive with her.

That will help you both heal.
(((((((((MO)))))))) What a tough time. I know you'll work through it.
Keep us posted....

Hops

[write]

1.apologise

2.explain age-appropriately
( briefly;
whatever feels right for you- I went through a phase of giving my son various books or meaningful objects as part-explanations and part-apology for my outbursts, we would discuss them together after; I never would have thought it, especially when he started acting out too, but they have formed the basis of his emotional vocabulary and we can discuss anything now. It was a case of small building blocks from which he himself constructed his new 'whole' )

3.forgive yourself.
You don't have to be perfect.
Be realistic. Be human. Be responsive.

Children are resilient. They will learn and grow within almost any environment where they are loved and appreciated.

They model themselves and turn out like us- their parents, not some monster-creation dependent on what we did right our wrong on certain days.

We've all acted out with our kids sometimes- a short apology and trying to keep yourself together around her most of the time will do it.

She's simply doing what kids tend to do- getting the best from each situation.
Don't take it personally she likes new girlfriend number two; that's better than she hates her, and just hope it will sustain her when she's staying with girlfriend number 28 some time down the road and daddy has no inkling she might have made any attachments herself or want a say in who she's trying to relate to this weekend.

You'll be there for her then, which is when it counts.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((()))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))


"trust the universe in its great continuity.
If he was mean to you he'll be mean to her. And her. And her.
She couldn't fix him...you can't fix him...she won't fix him. That's his fantasy. Don't buy it.

You can however set him right about what treatment women should or should not accept, and drop him like a hot brick the moment he crosses your boundary. Don't teach him women will respond to his maniulation; we're all sisters, despite the unhealthy competition.
Teach him we're one by one going to kick his ass until every woman knows he needs therapy ( and an ice pack )
That's you and me changing the Universe one piece at a time, sending out a message: no victim. No victims here."

[Plucky]

Hi Movinon and everyone,
I finally decided to come back and lurk but I had to post once I saw your post.  I totally understand.  I spew on my kids now and then.  It is horrible, I think, but they just seem to forget about it after I apologise and we talk it over.

You are not an awful person and your response is completely understandable.  What are you, some kind of machine that can put out with no emotional nourishment?  No one could.  You are doing well.

But I want to say, that if your D is saying that your X is more fun, that the gf is more fun, that all goes well at his house...it doesn't mean it is true.

Small children use talk in a different way from adults.  She just may not be telling you facts.  She may be repeating what she has been told, maybe not in so many words but the impression she was clearly meant to take away.  Or, she might be saying what she wishes were true.  You never know.

Don't knock yourself out trying to be more fun than whomever.  The main thing your D needs is stability and acceptance and unconditional love.  If you can provide that she will be ok.  You do not have to be a 3 ring circus too.

And it is no coincidence that she is acting out after being over there.    She can probably hold in her needs and feelings while she is there but when she gets home in a safe place it all comes out on you.  You do not really have to respond to everything she says, just let her say it, and do it, without too major of a repercussion.  She has to get all that nasty stuff outthat she had to absorb from your X. 

Last night I shouted even worse things to my husband in front of my kids.  Today they informed me that I had to apologise and not say things like that any more.  Then life went on.  I had been prepared for them to be scarred for life, but I think in a way it was a relief for them to witrness the release of a colossal tension they could sense.

Thanks for the shout out, H&H.    Tonight he finally sleeps under a different roof!
Good luck, Movinon.

Still somewhat
Plucky

[movinon]

Seasons, Sugarre, Storm - Thanks for the gentle words of support!

Plucky and HOPS - I hope that by apologizing, they will learn to do the same.  It's sad, again, that she has to take all of that on at her dad's.

Write - thank you so much for the last passage...I needed that.

Mum - Thanks for the reminder about calling in what I want and having the world be as I see it.

H&H - I don't have much help, and for some reason I have a VERY hard time asking people.  IT's okay if they ask me in return, but they don't.

I do want to say that I took some time to EXCERCISE twice last week (I do ABSOLUTELY NONE).  One time was with the kids...it was a great time.

Another thing I was missing was connection w/ my higher power.  I was so busy rebel against patriarchial religion that I didn't take the time to connect w/ my own.  My T helped me get in touch and gave me tools to stay in touch and it has helped TREMENDOUSLY!!!  I even took my D outside w/ me for my morning ritual so she could be exposed to how I ground myself and reconnect.

Movinon