Author Topic: We teach people  (Read 3424 times)

moonlight52

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Re: We teach people
« Reply #15 on: April 18, 2006, 10:09:12 PM »
ANewSheriff  We both agree Hops is more than true kindness itself.

Hops There must be some shame in all  my defensiveness about you know bp .I am getting  very good healing treatment for I'll whisper it bp.......................

 
Can't we just not have so much anger for the ns and have no contact or is healthy anger needed sometimes ? Also is that true what Write sez Ns know somewhere deep inside that they have problems they just will not get help?
That must be because they have to look perfect or something.Do they really know how much harm they have done?But if they knew and got in touch with the harm they have done the one in my family I do not know how he could stand it.The one in my life I am talking about is very smart.So to hide his self from his self would be a big job.But maybe easier to put on the front than to admit the very bad things he has done.I just never knew if a N knew deep inside they have problems or if they can hide it from themselves.
Moonlight
« Last Edit: April 19, 2006, 03:31:16 AM by moonlight52 »

reallyME

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Re: We teach people
« Reply #16 on: April 18, 2006, 11:00:13 PM »
ANewSheriff,

I guess it's just that the whole Stockholm Syndrome really makes me angry.  When I watch grown adults "kissing butt" with their abusive parents "because she's my mother"  "because it's how I've always done this" "because I've done it this way all my life"  it makes me just want to SCREAM "I DON'T GIVE A RIP HOW YOU'VE ALWAYS DONE IT!  YOU DON'T OWE THIS CONTROL FREAK, PHARISEE, ANYTHING!!!  NOTHING AT ALL...STOP BEING THEIR FRIGGEN DOORMAT NOW!!!  YOU ARE BETTER THAN THIS AND YOU NEVER DESERVED THIS TORTURE IN THE FIRST PLACE!!!"

~ReallyME





ANewSheriff

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Re: We teach people
« Reply #17 on: April 19, 2006, 03:44:42 PM »
Moonlight: 
Quote
I just hope mental illness will be understood with more kindness

Yes, we are coming a very long way in expanding our awareness about mental illness.  I promise you that I  mean no disrespect to you or anyone else experiencing any kind of mental illness.  I worked in a psychiatric hospital for seven years.  Understanding psychiatric illness, ensuring patient rights, and searching for answers is my passion.  I continue to pursue studies in this field.  I think I felt your hurt and wanted to send you sort of a verbal hug in my response. 

Hopalong: 
Quote
I feel really compassionate NOW...but it sure wasn't easy to get there.
   
I get this.  It is a learning journey. 

reallyME:
Quote
YOU DON'T OWE THIS CONTROL FREAK, PHARISEE, ANYTHING!!!  NOTHING AT ALL...STOP BEING THEIR FRIGGEN DOORMAT NOW!!!


Your posts just make me giggle out loud.  I love your honesty and commitment to squashing out the dysfunction.  I will tell you this.  Just a couple of months ago I really felt like I was headed for a nervous breakdown.  I have learned to be assertive in my life, but the past couple of years I backslid big time.  I felt like I was screaming out and nobody was listening for a solid year. 

I became distraught and tortured, really.  I felt unbelievably alone.  Yet, I was determined to figure out what message I was to learn from this so I began peeling off the layers and courageously facing some of my own warts, knowing that the only person I did have any control over was myself.  I knew God had not brought me this far to drop me on my head.  I knew that, although the lesson was excruciatingly painful, I was to learn something valuable.

I made a decision.  I had to kill off my old self and along with her, her old, unhealthy ways.  I did it.  I laid her to rest.  In doing that I realized I had to kill off those relationships that have been so damaging as well.  One of those relationships was with my narcissistic mother (although at the time I did not know she was NPD).  The time had come.  I knew that my next conversation with her would be a confrontation.  I mentally prepared myself for what I would say.  But...  The call never came.  I found out later that baby sister tipped her off after I had shared with her my intentions.

During this time I also confronted my husband.  I told him that I had done some serious soul seeking and was making some dramatic changes in my life.  He was well aware of the difficult year I had struggled through, but he is a man and would say, "Just let it go.  Forget about it."  I had tried several times to speak to him, but it fell on silent ears.  I told him that I was sick and tired of some of the dysfunction and maybe nobody else wanted to rock the boat, but I was going to have my say.   I brought up the old issue of dealing with my mother.   I told him that it was ridiculous that he would allow my mother to come into MY home, corner him and tell him how awful and unforgiving I am, and that he would not defend me.

Let me tell you.  He was shocked.  I said, "If you won't stand up for me and defend me, then by God I'll do it for myself.  I don't care what you think.  I don't care what she thinks.  I don't care what anyone thinks.  I have two choices left.  I am going down in a blaze of fire or I am going to stand up and defend myself."  My husband was very humbled and completely agreed.  He was very apologetic and said that he didn't mean to be disrespectful to me, but that everyone knows my mother is crazy so he just lets her tantrums go in one ear and out the other.   

My mother finally called a few weeks later and started in with my husband about how horrible I was.  I was listening to my husband's side of the conversation.  He tried to be calm and tolerant, but firm.  She went on and on, as usual.  Finally, he confronted her about her shallowness and phoniness and lack of interest in us or our kids (She acts like she is so interested in her grandkids, but she never spends time with any of them - phony, phony, phony!  All for show!!!)   He told her that it would be best if we took a year off from seeing her and we have not heard from her since.

So, reallyME...  I am with you.  I really do not give a "rip" as you say.   :lol:   I feel like she has sewn these seeds for my whole life.  My siblings only responses were, "Great!  Now, I have to deal with her even more."  Truthfully, I could care less if I ever see her again.  I am just done with it.  Now, that I know what this is I feel even more justified because she is never going to get better.  Still, my yearning is to get to a place of peace.     

The woman who faked the cancer basically did the same thing that my mother had done to me for my whole life.  As long as I was feeding her, I was okay.  But, when I found out about her lies, lies, lies and took her to the mat, she became a vicious, spiteful demon.  But...  I made the connection.  Not at first, but as I continued to journey I saw it.  They were one in the same.  Different techniques, but both narcissists.  One more emotionally crippled (my mother).  The other just evil.

Sorry about the length.  I feel sad, but free today because I am done, done, done with these sick people!!!

ANewSheriff

Change the way you see the world and you will change the world.

moonlight52

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Re: We teach people
« Reply #18 on: April 19, 2006, 04:58:57 PM »
ANewsheriff 

Thank you for your understanding .I am dealing with feelings of being newly diagnosed with bipolar and feeling defensive I am sure with your experience you have seen it before.I am as we all are a work in progress and I will 
get more accustom to bipolar and the respect thing will not be such a sore spot.Thank you for the verbal hug and I am sending one to you .I never was placed in a psychiatric hospital.I never was the angry type, I just would get sad and scared sometimes, but not enough to be in psychiatric hospital
 I have been told by my doctor if my n-father had not been violent when I was a child the bipolar might not have developed at all.Anyway sorry I misunderstood your post.I have put my N father out of my life .
Thank you for your  understanding  !ps    I  only just pity my n father thats all  but not enough to get near him
Moonlight
« Last Edit: April 19, 2006, 07:23:40 PM by moonlight52 »

reallyME

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Re: We teach people
« Reply #19 on: April 19, 2006, 08:27:24 PM »
Quote
Moonlight: I have been told by my doctor if my n-father had not been violent when I was a child the bipolar might not have developed at all.Anyway sorry I misunderstood your post.I have put my N father out of my life .

Boy Moon!  You said a MOUTHFUL right here!

I have been thinking, since I've been off my meds over 2 weeks now, perhaps there is really no such thing as bipolar.  Maybe it's just a term that they slap on people who have been horribly abused and show borderline, irrational behavior, so they can drug us and keep us quiet and seemingly at peace (I was "at peace" when on the Topamax, all right...I had no real emotions that I was able to express at all.  It SUCKED, sorry!)  Now, I'm not advocating people getting off meds, once again.  I am telling you my views and my experiences.  Nobody should EVER stop any med without a doctor overseeing it. PERIOD, END OF STORY!

Thanks, Moon :)

~ReallyME

reallyME

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Re: We teach people
« Reply #20 on: April 19, 2006, 10:45:36 PM »
 ANewSheriff,

WHAT AN AWESOME POST!

I have tried to tell a few people who have said "YOU MADE ME FEEL ________"  that NOBODY CAN MAKE anyone FEEL anything.  Feeling and responding and reacting are an individual choice.

~ReallyME

gratitude28

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Re: We teach people
« Reply #21 on: April 19, 2006, 11:46:39 PM »
There are so many good posts here that I am goin gto go back and reread them all. I just wanted to say thank you to all of you for posting and helping. It is so nice to be able to work through this all and your words help me stay grounded.
Love, Beth
"There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable." Douglas Adams

MarisaML

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Re: We teach people
« Reply #22 on: April 20, 2006, 11:43:04 PM »
Okay this is what worked for me in how to find strength when asserting yourself to N's.  Stop thinking of them as being normal human-beings or even human.  Look at them as a creature that has a nature that it can't help.  Like a pittbull.  I'm serious. A dog.  You have to show them that you can not be pushed around.  Just like a dog training.  But you also have to respect the fact that the dog might bite you.  With real dogs you have to show them that you're their alpha dog and they aren't as likely to bite you.  This does work to help you become more assertive w/ people.  But if you have read my thread than you know that I did get bit.  The N I was dealing with couldn't handle the fact that I got the better of her and threw her out of my house and she did something very nasty to me and my family.  There is really no good way to deal with these people.  I really wonder if they aren't soulless.  I really do.  Why do we bother?  People, please be careful.  I was hurt and my family was hurt by that Narcissist devil.