I'm trying

[seasons]

deleted

[Sela]

Hi Seasons:

Maybe it's a genetic boo boo?
Maybe ......even though science does not have proof of it......there is an actual mess up somewhere in their brains?
Maybe not all N's are made?

((((((Seasons)))))

Sela

[write]

I think people can become N later on in life too- look at how many people who become famous start acting out! to the amazement of their families and former friends...

I guess you can't know how childhood went for them though.
When I read our histories here and write my own I am very aware that different family members will not share the reality or tell the same story.

Personally I believe Nism comes from putting someone on a pedestal and adoring them & insisting they meet strong parental expectations whilst keeping them at an emotional distance and not meeting their needs. Sometimes it isn't obvious even to other family members what is going on.

[Hopalong]

Hi Seasons,

What were your grandparents like? There might have been Nism there...?

Hops

[gratitude28]

But doesn't Nism start from abuse or neglect?

[Hopalong]

Hi Gratitude,

I do think abuse, bullying, are the prime causes. And I'm no expert, but I personally believe there's a genetic trait as well that encourages it.
Plus, there's also taught N-behavior, so if you sibs were around Ngrandparents who made an impression, I thought that might be a partial explanation.

Also, if there are such things as demure or passive-seeming Ns, perhaps one of your parents has it in a less visible way?

I remember once reading profiles of alcoholic behavior and one example given was excessive-repressive religiosity, and the authors said there are circumstances like that that can create alcoholic personalities even among teetollers...really caught my attention because my parents never drank at all when I was young, yet Mom is surely N.

So maybe there are some forces like that that cause Ntendencies, too?

Hops

[gratitude28]

I think one thing that led to my alcoholism was a deep hatred for religion and anyone who professed to be religious. I am not that way now... I am learning tolerance and appreciate that we all have our paths we choose.
I believe my mother was in some way abused. She tells these stories about how her dad was perfect and never drank... but her brothers say that he was drunk and let her fall out of a car as a child and how funny it was. He was diabetic and died young. Her mother never remarried. Again, my mother has these fantasies that her mother cleaned and was Betty Crocker. I can only remember piles and piles... rooms that could hardly be opened. She was a sweet lady... perhaps abused by my grandfather... I will never know the truth. It's funny, my dad alluded to the fact once that he thought there was some abuse in her background, but we never got into the subject.

[write]

again and again- it's not what happened but the dishonesty and false relaity which causes the harm.

[Marta]

Write and Stormchild,

I agree with you here. I mean, how does one fix something if it is not even acknowledged as broken? I think it is really brave and honest in a very vulenrable way when someone comes forth with it.

Just because someone doesn't acknowledge to anything being broken doesn't mean it ain't.

Just because someone won't say that something is broken doesn't mean that they don't know it's broken or are not trying to fix it.

Life is hard; choices are hard.

Marta

[WaltzWay]

This is my first time ever being on a forum of any kind. Has this really helped some of you with trying to resolve what happened to you, why relationships seem so difficult, help the pain a bit?

[Marta]

Seasons,

I was just responding to Write and Stormchild, in general thinking of the abusive situations that go on in families. I was thinking of my own life. My own damage. I wished that someone in my family had acknowledged that I had been abused. They never did. That in itself left a big divide in heart, this constant second guessing and questioning the validity of my own truth.

At some point, someone in my family acknowledged the abuse, at least about certain things. That was really the turning point for me.

(((Seasons))) I also relate to everything you have written. For me, being loved is equivalent to feeling loved. It's hard to describe in so many words what that means or come up with hardcore formula. My mother was always there for me and showed up in worst situations, and yet I will not equate that to being loved. I really felt loved by my boyfriend in a very tender and loving way. I think he listened to me and believed me. That really was a gift.

Marta

[gratitude28]

Hi WaltzWay, For me this helps to identify what issues in my life are bothering me and to deal with them in a reasonable manner. I don't want to hide from myself or any of my problems any longer. I lead a wonderful and happy life now. Bringing up these issues takes them from inside me, lets me handle them, see how they have affected me and then throw them away. It's a healthy dissection! So, if you are ready to get rid of the uglies and hand them over... we'd love to help you!!! Welcome!!!!!
Love, Beth

[Hopalong]

Seasons,

I may have be onto something

I think so too! By the time she got to you, your NGrandma may have been running out of steam. She does sound as though she might be N, and have done a number on your sisters, trained them in N-ness.

Hops

[ANewSheriff]

It seems like I have seen some evidence that overpampering can lead to narcissism.  If this is a credible theory then it might be true that we raise these children to think they are the center of the Universe so they believe they are - it is simply a learned behavior.  Now, the other theories include some kind of abuse or bullying, which would be a defensive mechanism.     

[Portia]

Welcome Waltzway. My answer is a big YES

it's been a huge help to me. I don't use any other message boards either (apart from the BBC and that only once a year probably). Want to start a new thread and tell us about you? When you feel like it. Welcome again