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How do you break up with your therapist??

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Avery:
Hi, all....

I have to go to therapy this morning and I'm dreading it.  I'm not sure if she is right for me and I may need a change.  While I like that she recommends books to read and journaling...lots of "homework", I think she is focusing on the wrong thing.  I've only seen her about 5-6 times.

I wrote before that she labelled my father an alcoholic, which I'm not sure is true.  He did drink too much, I guess, but he stopped completely and didn't seem to have any ill effects.  Now, she's harping on me about being an alcoholic.  While I definitely drank to excess in my younger days and I've had an "episode" about 3 months ago :oops: while drinking.  After that, I quit completely for awhile and eventually limited myself to 2 drinks at any occasion (if i drink at all).  Although I started sessions because of problems with my Nmom and grief over my father's death, all we seem to talk about is alcohol.  Am I in denial?  I definitely know that it's something I need to keep in check, but that seems like a really hefty label.  I know this is not really on the subject of this board, but I really could use some advice.  Should I break up with her?  How can I work this out with her????  This is so embarrassing!!!! :oops:  :oops:  :oops:
Can anyone help?

Avery

Anonymous:
Hello Avery,

Have you tried talking to her about this?  I have found that though it's difficult to tell a therapist that s/he has the wrong end of the stick, it can be enormously helpful--both to establishing trust and to taking the work where it needs to go.

It's possible that being a therapist virtually guarantees a certain arrogance--that is, the therapist is the professional and therefore "knows best" what should be talked about.  But that ain't necessarily so.  You are the consumer of this service, and you know whether you leave the session feeling full or empty.  If the therapist has the wrong agenda, it will not help you.  You will waste time and money and end up very confused.  I speak from experience.

You don't say whether you feel comfortable with this therapist, whether you think she is empathetic and intelligent...all the things that make for a good therapeutic relationship.  So I don't know how you feel about her other than that you think she's mistaken.  It sounds as though addiction is very much in her comfort zone.  She can deal with the fact that you may be the child of an alcoholic, but maybe it's a lot more difficult for her to feel competent dealing with the child of a narcissist.  That, of course, is just a guess.

I can't say whether you should "break up" with her, but I will say that if you talk to her about this and she is either unwilling to hear you or unable to shift her focus to your concerns, then you should get out of the relationship fast.  She simply may not be able to help you, and that's nothing to be ashamed of.

Best of luck.

Joyce

Acappella:

--- Quote ---Have you tried talking to her about this? ..... it can be enormously helpful--both to establishing trust and to taking the work where it needs to go
--- End quote ---



--- Quote ---You don't say whether you feel comfortable with this therapist, whether you think she is empathetic and intelligent....... It sounds as though addiction is very much in her comfort zone.
--- End quote ---


I strongly second Joyce's feedback!  

Communicate and notice how you feel. (Oh, and therapists are people too with their own comfort and discomfort zones. Drat, makes me just wanna read "my" horoscope and skip therapy all together! :lol: )

Communicating directly with a therapist has been for me great training wheels for dealing with conflict (even just potential conflict) in the even more complex world outside of the therapist's office.   I believed in open communication theoretically though actually I didn't practice it much (still got a long way to go).  I was/am scared to be open about my concerns (in some areas of my life more or less than in other areas). Each time I face that fear I get just a tad better at doing so.  

A couple of books I recommend are "the man with the beautiful voice" and "the gift of therapy" each written by therapists about actual therapy sessions and the people in them.  Especially "The Gift of Therapy" as he writes about being confronted by a patient who disagrees with him and how important it is that it be part of the process.  I knew it and yet reading about being direct (voiceful) and actually doing it is how I've come to not only know it but also feel just how important it is too.  

take care.

write:
great advice from Joyce et al.

My therapist discusses whatever I want to each session, I told her I know my own mind pretty well ( which I do except when dealing with N )
I try to go into each session with something prepared I want to look at- it's too wasteful just to sit wracking my brains, or to come out and think why didn't I mention that...

Take ownership of the next session, say you don't want to look at alcohol any more for now & want to discuss other issues, be specific if you can.
Her response will tell you whether you need to look for someone less prescriptive/ fixated.
It's your therapy!

Maybe she has issues about alcohol? eg if she's a member of several religious groups which promote total abstinence.

& if you're in the US there's a lot of anti-alcohol thinking and labelling regular ( or occasional binge ) drinkers 'alcoholic' which wouldn't happen in Europe for example, where the label would only be used where there are serious life or health consequences from the drinking.

If you do need to look at alcohol issues but don't want to be abstinent there's a book called Responsible Drinking by Fred Rogers and an organisation called Moderation Management which might help.

write:
just re-read your post.
If you already decided she can't help you then I think it's fine just to call and cancel.

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