Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > What Helps?

Misbehavin' Matter

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Its_a_changin:
I'm 23  :).  Thank you for your nice comment, Marisa.  I am pleased to see you and everyone have made so much progress and I hope to do the same. 

I think when the N family stunted my emotional growth, I do think at times I sound like a teenie either I speak or write it.  I say a lot of what I feel when I am angry or remember something dramatic.  I will try forgiving.  It isn't always easy and neither is moving on.  I feel haunted & traumatized and have that "all or nothing" thinking pattern (negative thinking of black & white things & some obsession).  I start to journal one day and then stopped.  Could probably try writing a letter to myself and a letter to all the N's and then burn them in the fireplace.  The N family can't even learn from mistakes, "I like to have it my way and if you can't accept it, than so be it, you [bleep] and the boss was [bleep] idiot." They also obsess over and over for many days, months, years and come back to the same thing like the problem is such a big deal (small or big).

Plucky:
Hello It's,
I can understand your feelings.  I feel for you.  And at your age I am sure I would have done something smiliar.  (and I did!)
Now it is important that you not let your behaviour stand.  Go right to your bf's mother and apologise. Admit what you know now.  That you were jealous and that you are ashamed of your behaviour.  Talk to the brother's gf too.

Everyone makes mistakes, but not everyone corrects them.    This is an opportunity to relieve the guilt you feel and become closer with the people you lashed out at.

And, there might be something to them seeming to talk about the other gf a lot.  And there may be nothing to it but your own pre-wiring to feel left out and undesired.  I would let it go for now and just try to restore your relationships with these people who seem to be very important to you.

This is advice I really wish I had had when I was young.

Plucky

pennyplant:
Hi its_a_changin,

I missed this thread until today.  I too have done very similar things and had very similar feelings, especially when I was in my twenties.  Also had trouble with speaking about it when that might actually have made things better.  It was good to tell your boyfriend though and I'm glad he showed loyalty and support to you.

It would be good, when you feel calm enough, to approach bf's mother and explain that your feelings overwhelmed you, it triggered things from the past, and you wish..... or you're sorry that .....  It will take a load off your mind and heart.  Think ahead of time what to say, something that you can say with confidence.  Then you won't have to feel awkward each time you see her.

I am one who has the knack for saying something mean or unflattering about someone and then, there they are, right behind me and heard every word.  Oh, that is such a bad habit of mine.  I'm working on that one.

It is very good that you see how things are and where your feelings come from.  That will help you learn and grow from your experiences.

Pennyplant

Sheela:
Dear It's a changin,

Welcome! IMay I say that you like so many of us everywhere have come up from a dysfunctional family that made you needy!
Me too! Your self-esteem is wounded, but it sounds like you are deeply aware of your motivations,
and how they are directed at finding reassurance.

Since you are young, this is the time of life to sort such a thing out , by asking yourself questions.
You are very brave and honest, to want the kind of answers that you seek.
The N's in my life didn't have your desperate awareness. I wish they had!

May I suggest that you consider counseling?
 
Trust me, I am old enough to say that it is OKAY to want reassurance and love.
We were born to be loved. So was everybody else.

It doesn't sound like you have received enough affirmation (who did?).
Now you are grown up and intelligent enough to find it your way to happier times  . . .
by developing a reaffiming lifestyle and possibly using a counselor to help you head
in the direction that you want to go even if that direction is only an emotional one.

As the great philosophers said, "the greatest prison is the self . . ."

Start developing a reasonable way to see your own goodness and strength
believe that you are loveable and deserve love (YOU ARE, YOU DO) . . .
that way you won't feel needy when someone else gets affirmation,
you will enjoy it and celebrate it (that is how we share in someone else's good strokes).

Best of luck,  I think by asking this question you probably had a very important personal
breakthrough in your ability to self-accept without being vain.

Wow. That's huge.

Hugz

sheela



 
 

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