Answer ??????

[gratitude28]

Hi All,
I need a bit of advice here. Quick (I hope) background. Just to let you know about me a bit, I have a Master's degree and am highly efficient. I have worked a lot of different jobs as my husband is in the military and we move around a lot. I have never been turned down for a job, and I am always highly respected. I have had a lot of crazy bosses, but I am in a nice job now with a nice boss who is kind in a fatherly way. My mother has already asked me "Is he married?" when I was talking about my job. I just received a fabulous review of my perfomance and a raise. The performance review comes from HQ, a contracting company in the states. Of course, my mother wrties and says, "How nice that you got a commendation. I know your boss likes you." Does this sound odd to you? I want to explain what I have told you... that it is my company that wrote my review and that I will always be able to find a job w/them/etc.... but I also feel like... what's the bother, as she will never respect me anyways.
The other thing, which I mentioned before was where she is defensive now because I asked how she was doing and said I hadn't heard from them in a while. Now I get, "oh, I was just going to write to you." And this weekend, "You didn't write this week (I did... twice)." It's like she's starting some game now and I never meant anything by it. Am I reading too much into this all again?
The reason I keep contact with her, honestly, is so that I can be in touch with my dad. I really think I am going to tell him this summer when I see them that I can't keep this up. I will explain that it is just too hurtful He knows when she is being mean and he gets her to back off, but I don't need to deal with this.
Thanks for the listen all.
Love, Beth

[Hopalong]

Hi Gratitude...
Me trying to write your letter (forgive the imposition and toss it if you like!):

Dear Mom,
Yes, it is nice to be liked by my boss. I am happy about my job. I enjoy it.
That's right, you have been writing me. I appreciate that, thank you.

And the weather is...blah blah...
And the birds are....blah blah.
------------------
See what I mean? Sorta?
Just doing the face-value response as IF there were no hooks.
Ignoring the hooks, responding politely but with detachment...and only noticing positives.
Just ignoring the bait completely.

Neutral, polite, a little trivial...just not engaging with her old drama...

???
Hops

[write]

It's like she's starting some game now

yes she is.
Don't play.

There are some very nice picture postcards to show you care; at a distance.

[mum]

Nicely put, Hopalong! I was trying to figure out a way to impart a similar thought...
I tell my elementary students who are getting triggered by another's behavoir: "You can always choose to ignore that.  You can give yourself permission to not say or do anything to react to that behavoir." Sometimes I have to say "I give you permission to ignore that"....as they are looking to the teacher to "know " something they don't.

I once had a teenage student come up to me, in my early days of teaching, and say (mid-sentence during a lecture): "is that a zit on your forehead?" She was clearly trying to get my goat, show her stuff, whatever.... I simply said: "yes, it is". She was so dumbfounded that she froze and then stumbled back to her seat. The other kids didn't even laugh, I think they were so shocked. I never mentioned it again, and she became one of my favorite students.
Granted, your mom is not some kid testing you. She is an adult with issues....they are not yours, however.
It's harder with someone you have history with, to be sure. But if you can pretend to yourself that there is no trigger, or do that face value thing....you take the wind out of the sails...

[gratitude28]

Thank you. That is what I was thinking. So I will do what I have been doing... write a chatty hello email and tell her how the kids are doing. She is more interested in my dog than in my kids... kind of sadly funny.

Mum,
I had the same thing happen to me when I was teaching. And I did the same theing. I swear... huge pimple on my nose... I laughed and said "yep" and we went on with class. I guess we are soul sisters! (Or else we both have bad skim). Ha ha. Not really... that was my younger days!!!

I won't let her get to me. I won't let her get to me. I won't let her get to me....

Ugh!

[MarisaML]

This is what helped me when I sense a hook like this.  I look at the 'impossible' person and I tell myself that this is not a normal person I'm dealing with.  This is a disorder.  Now when I'm speaking with my MIL I no longer feel it's personal...I know that I'm speaking with a disorder.  For some reason it helps.  I guess just knowing the fact that it doesn't have to make sense makes me feel better. 

[Portia]

Hi Beth, I like interpreting your mother it seems. I think it helps me.

"How nice that you got a commendation. I know your boss likes you." Does this sound odd to you?

It's not attributing your rewards to your efforts. It's saying you're only getting them because your boss favours you i.e. you're not really worth it .

This isn't about you, it's how she would feel if she was in your position. She feels that she is a fraud, without worth, so she imagines you feel the same. She's actually trying to compliment you but that's as good as it gets. There are also feelings of envy coming up, probably.

I want to explain what I have told you... that it is my company that wrote my review and that I will always be able to find a job w/them/etc.... but I also feel like... what's the bother, as she will never respect me anyways.

Correct, she can't respect you. To do that would be to diminish herself. You want to explain because you want her to understand you and your life. It's not going to happen I feel.

I think it might help you if you didn't tell her directly about any of your achievements, then it wouldn't be a source of envy for her. If she likes your dog, talk about the dog, send her photos instead of words. I'm serious! It might sound ridiculous but it can work. Treat her like a young child. I'm sorry Beth, it's not easy.

[Portia]

burning you in effigy

Storm thanks for the huge stress-relieving laugh. Boy I feel way too serious today! Thanks.

[Certain Hope]

Hi Beth,

  My natural tendancy is to try to analyze peoples' remarks as Portia has done here. Choice of words and phrasing can indeed carry alot of deeper meanings, but then I often get bogged down in wondering why someone would use a certain expression instead of just keeping it simple. Truthfully, it's an exhausting process to me and I've had to make a conscious effort to stop myself from engaging in this sort of word-forensics. That being said, I agree with Portia's analysis of that comment re: your commendation. It jumped out at me, too. (Old habits are difficult to break  )  At this point, particularly in dealings with my own mother (lots of envy there, too, I think) I just try to remember that she's really not even aware of these "hooky" remarks she throws out. Allowing much of it to simply go in one ear and straight out the other has made for a much more peaceful existence between the two of us. The fact that our relationships are limited with some folks doesn't mean that WE are inept, incomplete, ineffective, or incompetent. Doesn't have to reflect on us at all, in fact. So... It's no longer my goal to try to get my mother to understand/know/relate to me as an equal. I've had to bring it down to the bottom line: she's my mom, I love her, and I will honor her however I can, as much as it lies within me, living at peace with her. Of course, she is 1,000 miles away, which also helps    
   By the way, I love Storm's idea of a form letter!! Planting cabbages ~ lol.

Love, Hope

[Hopalong]

Stormy... --thanks for helping us laugh too!
(Hope you don't mind Beth but what a splat...clever Storm, sneaking that in the list.)

I also thought Portia, you were VERY astute in your analysis.
Even compassionate.

Very good to spot the crawly feeling of reporting a success achieved by your own effort and having it be reduced to being "liked."

And, the envy...and, the inability to truly respect.

Beth, I'm really sorry. I've been there (am there). After a while, it doesn't hurt so much.
Who was it suggested thinking of the dialogue and simply "dialogue with the disorder"? Marisa. I like that too.

It's just not personal. She's not plotting "how can I hurt Beth." She's being reflexive and it's an old tape that's running her mouth.

((((Beth)))) CONGRATS ON YOUR WELL-EARNED COMMENDATION!

Hops

[write]

She is more interested in my dog than in my kids... kind of sadly funny.

I have read this about our Queen in England, she has far more interest and compassion in people's pets than in the people themselves!

One of her cousins said she got an official condolances card when her husband died but a three page hand-written letter when her dog got sick...

[gratitude28]

As usual, you all are so wonderful and really made my day!
The form letter is soooo funny. Storm, that is exactly how she writes to me... every letter from my mother for the past 20 years has been "hello... the weather... how her pets are... whether dad is working... what craft she is doing. Love, Mom" The honest truth is, that's the depth of what she thinks about. I guess it just seems so boring to me. But you are right...in fact, this is the first thing I have told her about my life in months (and ha ha, I live 10,000 miles away!!!) And not only did she say my boss liked me, I went back and reread it... she said he "loves" me. Yuck. And not true. We are friendly, but mostly we are both working so much that aside from a weekly chat about politics or some such, we are pretty distant. Whatever!!!!
And you all are right... it's not quite that she MEANS to be hurtful. She just does not know how to be nice (and never will).
OK, time to get on with it. I am in need of new perspective all around lately. Am feeling a bit down and not sure why. My husband is gone and I have all the responsisiblity with the kids (whom I adore), but we are so busy and I am tired and feeling bored, which means I need to start working on myself from the inside out, ya know????????
Take care all and thanks again.
Love, Beth