Author Topic: Hi ~ Just joined the board  (Read 4517 times)

Certain Hope

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Hi ~ Just joined the board
« on: May 06, 2006, 10:12:16 AM »
Hello to everyone here  :)  Before work yesterday morning, I was catching up on some reading to see what's new in the world of npd info/forums and encountered this board via a Google search. The concept of being "voiceless" struck me as the ideal way to describe the condition in which I've lived in the past and so I did a bit of reading and then joined. After setting up my profile and signature, I did a bit more reading here and then questioned whether I should even stay, since it's clear there's been considerable discussion here re: ermmm.... religious issues and tolerance. I'm a Christian and to me it's not a hobby, or a lifestyle, or a spiritual outlet....  it's a relationship with a Person, Jesus Christ. Because of that, everything in my life is centered on Him and it'd be impossible for me to relate to people or respond to a situation outside of that framework. Hope I'm not freaking anyone out here  :?  I'm not religious, really. I was married to a man who is as "npd" as they come and have since dealt with the realization of some strong N traits in my own family of origin. It's been a long road of recovery and healing and no doubt is not complete yet. But I think that my experiences and what I've learned through them may be of some help to others and that through relationships we can each learn alot. In other words, I'm here both to help and to make friends  :) Not because I'm bored or don't have enough to do, but because I believe that we are supposed to go out and comfort others as we ourselves have been comforted. I really do look forward to getting to know the folks here and developing a rapport. The honesty that's been expressed in the material I've read here is appealing and refreshing. I hope that you all will find that I can fit into the "mix". Haven't been on a message board in years, so I'm not positive how to proceed beyond this, but I do pledge to be respectful and honest in all of my remarks here. I'm in my 40's, married (not to an N anymore, thank the Lord), mother of 4 /homemaker/ part time "Jack of all trades"  :D   My experience with a full-blown N nearly destroyed me in every way ~ emotionally, spiritually, financially, and mentally ~ and left me finding pseudo-relief in alcohol. I've been free from drinking and steadily healing for 2 years now, and still there are voices from the past that threaten to steal my own voice. Recovery is definitely a process. Lest I ramble on indefinitely, I'll close for now and return to the board for some more reading! Thanks to all for "listening" and have a wonderful Saturday  8)

Hope

Portia

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Re: Hi ~ Just joined the board
« Reply #1 on: May 06, 2006, 10:27:35 AM »
Hi

I guess you’ve been reading both Bean’s thread and those of Really Me. Perhaps you’ll be friends with Really Me?

I'm a Christian and to me it's not a hobby, or a lifestyle, or a spiritual outlet....  it's a relationship with a Person, Jesus Christ. Because of that, everything in my life is centered on Him and it'd be impossible for me to relate to people or respond to a situation outside of that framework.

I’m way outside of your framework and I take it you won’t relate to me or my life and experiences, so I’ll say good luck and hope you find others to help and make friends with.

Certain Hope

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Re: Hi ~ Just joined the board
« Reply #2 on: May 06, 2006, 10:44:51 AM »

I’m way outside of your framework and I take it you won’t relate to me or my life and experiences, so I’ll say good luck and hope you find others to help and make friends with.

Hi Portia. Thanks for responding. I've only read portions of those threads you mention, with a goal of getting a fresh start here and interacting with people on the basis of how they respond to me, without forming any prejudices. I think it's premature to judge who can be friends with whom, but I'm glad that we're each free to draw our own boundaries and choose for ourselves with discretion those with whom we'll engage in relationship. What I hear you saying is that you're not interested in receiving anything from someone like me. If I've mis-heard you, please do set me straight  :)  That's certainly your option, which I respect. Just so you're aware, I've known many people who label themselves Christians with whom I would not want to sit down for a cup of tea, let alone establish a friendship. I only hope that this board's members will not pre-judge me but be willing to engage in open discussion for the purpose of truly getting to know each other better. Thanks again for your reply.

Hope

Portia

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Re: Hi ~ Just joined the board
« Reply #3 on: May 06, 2006, 11:05:07 AM »
Hi again Certain Hope

What I hear you saying is that you're not interested in receiving anything from someone like me. If I've mis-heard you, please do set me straight

No, I didn’t say that and thanks for asking for clarification. I didn’t say anything about receiving anything from you. I may well receive something, I don’t know. Just reading you might help me understand something better. I try to be open-minded about what I read, but not "so open-minded that my brains drop out", if you see what I mean. (That’s using a Richard Dawkins quote.)

What I read was:

it'd be impossible for me to relate to people or respond to a situation outside of that framework.

Like I said, I’m outside that framework, so I take it that it would be impossible for you to relate to me. We are however talking now, but that isn’t necessarily relating is it?

moonlight52

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Re: Hi ~ Just joined the board
« Reply #4 on: May 06, 2006, 11:29:12 AM »
HI HOPE   WELCOME
Did you say it would be impossible for you to relate to anyone that does not share the same spiritual framework or outlook
as you do ?Do I  have that right? Also Hope you have not "freaked "me out.
Moonlight
   

mudpuppy

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Re: Hi ~ Just joined the board
« Reply #5 on: May 06, 2006, 11:51:08 AM »
I'd like to make a small point. If I'm wrong then Certain Hope can correct me.

Quote
Because of that, everything in my life is centered on Him and it'd be impossible for me to relate to people or respond to a situation outside of that framework.

That statement does not say or even imply that she cannot relate or respond to others. It says she cannot relate or respond to others outside of the framework of her faith.
She appears to simply be expressing her POV. Don't we all have some type of framework that we relate and respond to others through and is it not usually helpful to know what that framework is?

mud

Certain Hope

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Re: Hi ~ Just joined the board
« Reply #6 on: May 06, 2006, 11:55:18 AM »
Hi Portia,

What I read was:

it'd be impossible for me to relate to people or respond to a situation outside of that framework.

Like I said, I’m outside that framework, so I take it that it would be impossible for you to relate to me. We are however talking now, but that isn’t necessarily relating is it?
Quote

Thank you for clarifying! Reading your last post, I had a sense that you were "writing me off" as "just another Christian". I can already see that this is going to be excellent practice of "saying what you mean and meaning what you say". This isn't the first time it's come to my attention that I'm often mistaken in thinking that I've made myself clear when actually a person would have to be a mindreader to get my point ~ lol.

Anyhow, I'll attempt to make my "framework" remark more clear. This framework is not a box into which I mentally place other individuals, for the purpose of deciding whether or not I'm interested in them or can possibly interact with them. My view is that we each share a common bond in simply being human beings. Beyond that, I believe that we are each made in the image of God, which in and of itself gives each person both great value and enormous potential. Please note that I realize you and others may have different views and I'm not trying to present mine as the only right one... just sharing where I'm coming from. Rather, this framework is  my own frame of reference... that pool, so to speak,  into which I dip my cup whenever I'm thirsty (and dealing with people makes me very thirsty  :D) That pool in my life is Jesus, as I've come to know Him as the living water. I used to be very shy and preferred to stay in my shell rather than try to communicate with anyone. There was so much I didn't understand that it seemed I would never be able to feel like anything but an oddball. That's changed alot since my dealings with the narcissists in my life. By the time my ex husband was finished with me, I could barely stumble through a sentence without fading off into oblivion. I'd become so accustomed to having my words twisted and turned that it hardly seemed worthwhile to attempt to  express anything. At the end, there was nothing left in me to express, as far as I could tell. He used me up. My certain conviction is that if it weren't for God, I'd be dead. When you're drowning and suddenly a hand reaches out to pull you to safety, it seems natural for that person to become the recipient of your undying gratitude. When that same person puts your feet on solid ground and begins  to help you rebuild your life, giving you a new identity, a new security in a world full of uncertainty and pain, well... for me, that's resulted in a deep desire to build a deeper relationship with my Saviour and it's made Him the framework from which I operate. Perhaps I should say Source and drop the "framework", since I can see the clarity slipping away by the minute here.   :?  

I didn’t say anything about receiving anything from you. I may well receive something, I don’t know. Just reading you might help me understand something better. I try to be open-minded about what I read, but not "so open-minded that my brains drop out", if you see what I mean. (That’s using a Richard Dawkins quote.)

Great quote! Guess I'd better find out who Richard Dawkins is/was  :)  I dunno either what any of us might receive from each other, but I'm hopeful. And for me it's wonderful to simply be able to have a voice. I'm still in the process of learning how to stop being fearful of people and sliding back into avoidance mode. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to express some things here and for taking the time to respond. I think that friendship can begin at that point where people stop talking "at" each other and begin honestly communicating without trying to constantly drive home a point. But what do I know?  heh   Have a great day  8)

Hope


Certain Hope

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Re: Hi ~ Just joined the board
« Reply #7 on: May 06, 2006, 12:09:12 PM »
Hi Mudpuppy and Moonlight,

I should ask... am I replying to these messages properly or am I supposed to just keep editing my original post rather than hitting "reply"?

Mud, You have read me correctly ... and thanks for understanding! What you said is indeed what I was trying to express; I meant the framework of my faith.  But now that I've read it again, I can certainly see how Portia and Moonlight might misunderstand. Sure goes to show you how perspective is everything :)  Will try to choose my words more carefully from now on and hope that all will ask for clarification if in doubt. I'll do the same.  Just as a side note, for some time I had the mindset  that it wasn't worth the trouble to even try to explain myself to people. It seemed too risky and dangerous to reveal anything personal outside of a narrow framework of close relationships. I'm grateful now for even the desire to launch into such communication without paralyzing fear and trepidation. Whew. Transparency is my goal now. Thanks to both of you :)

Hope

moonlight52

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Re: Hi ~ Just joined the board
« Reply #8 on: May 06, 2006, 12:22:15 PM »
Hope   As you have been reading there has been some sensitive discussions on Faith.It is so wonderful to see you say
"we are each made made in the image of GOD".Respecting one another goes a long way when relating to each other.I am so glad we cleared up
that misunderstanding .
Moonlight

mudpuppy

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Re: Hi ~ Just joined the board
« Reply #9 on: May 06, 2006, 12:26:36 PM »
Quote
I should ask... am I replying to these messages properly or am I supposed to just keep editing my original post rather than hitting "reply"?


You're doing fine.

mud

Certain Hope

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Re: Hi ~ Just joined the board
« Reply #10 on: May 06, 2006, 12:51:31 PM »
Thanks, Mud  :D

And Moonlight, Thank you, also! I did take note of the tone which seems to be prevailing here on the board, but not until I had already read a couple other messages and become interested in being a part of the group. When I saw what seemed to be a deep bitterness and plenty of wounded feelings because of discussions on "faith", I nearly removed my name and chucked the whole idea because of it. But you know... if I did that, then I'd be voiceless once again.

And Bean... wow! I just now noticed that you'd responded as well! Thank you for your kind reply. I will do my best to continue to express myself and my own personal views rather than those of any group. Don't have much choice really, since my views don't fit into any one set group or idealogy, but that's another story altogether. The only label my church has is "interdenominational", for that very reason. Personally, I've learned more since I gave up labels than ever before, and I was raised in a very structured, denominational setting. Through all of those years, a great deal of doctrine was pounded into my feeble brain, but I never knew love or grace till I had a heart transplant. I guess I can thank both N and God for that.

I think I understand what you're saying about rebelling against the "we believe" approach. For ages, I stayed away from church settings because religious creeds seemed more important than incorporating truths into real, life-changing action. My feeling is that religiousity (if that is a word) is death and hypocrisy runs rampant when people latch onto beliefs that never travel from their heads to their hearts. oops... i think i'm almost preaching; sorry.  I promise not to get hostile and welcome anyone to tell me immediately if they get the impression I'm trampling on them or stealing their voice. Sharing is my goal and it looks to me from those who've responded so far like that is indeed possible here! Thank you, all.

p.s.   I agree that we can't prevent the occasional hostility of others. Offenses might be laid at our feet all day long, but we each have the option whether or not to pick up those offenses, I think.

p.s.s.  Mud is fine. Thanks to him/her for contributing to the discussion!  and ty for the welcome!!

Certain Hope

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Re: Hi ~ Just joined the board
« Reply #11 on: May 06, 2006, 06:30:34 PM »
Thank you Teartracks and Stormchild for the welcome (and for the hugs, Storm  :))  I've sure enjoyed this rainy day's visits here to the board and have gotten several smiles and plenty of encouragement from reading here. I do see the affirmation, tenderness and support here and agree that these are crucial to emotional wellbeing, as are, I believe, accountability and the sort of honesty which speaks the truth In Love. I'm not sure it's possible to avoid dissension in any group, regardless of how hard we try. One Biblical directive that's really important to me is:  "as much as it lies within you (or depends on you), live at peace with all people."  But then I love Proverbs, as well, and there are plenty of Scriptural admonitions to never argue with foolish people, lest you lose a limb in the process  :D  I'll work at being selective and try to avoid the nonsense. Thanks for your wise counsel! I am also acutely aware of the fact that contention comes only via pride, so when mine flares up, I'll promise to sit on my hands or pull the plug on the pc rather than reply. Some of the best advice I've ever received is:  Never pass up an opportunity to keep your mouth shut ;)  Of course, I all too often have failed to heed that wisdom :?  But I'm learning!  This appears to be a great group of sincere folks who desire only to share the best of themselves with others while feeling free to be less than perfect and learn in the process. It's my opinion that anyone who doesn't respect that won't stick around long enough to be much trouble UNLESS the flames are fanned. In other words, some comments and attitudes simply don't deserve a response and will fizzle if not allowed to take root. Ignore never worked with N... he'd blather on regardless, totally oblivious to the fact that nobody was paying attention. So that's kinda become my rule of thumb... if someone continues talking AT me instead of TO me, I simply walk away. That's my 2 cents on the subject :)   Thanks for writing! Going to read some more here before supper.

Hope

moonlight52

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Re: Hi ~ Just joined the board
« Reply #12 on: May 06, 2006, 06:58:42 PM »
Certain Hope  Thank you for your wisdom I was always trying to "fix" things as a child of a N Dad maybe that walking away
is good advice. Welcome again
Moonlight

Certain Hope

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Re: Hi ~ Just joined the board
« Reply #13 on: May 06, 2006, 07:26:59 PM »
Dear Moonlight,

I can see that it's not going to be easy to tear myself away from this board and get things done around the house ~ lol. I've had such a great time just sitting here, reading and responding ... Thank you all for being here!

Seems like for most of my life I was queen of the fixers/ people pleasers, always feeling like I was responsible for everyone and everything. Wow, we simply were not designed to carry the weight of the world on our shoulders! When my best efforts were not enough to heal my family, I felt completely useless and empty... like an utter failure. It was hope, walking hand in hand with faith,  that brought me back to life and light. It's much easier to look back now without the deep pain and regret, and I think that's what it takes. I couldn't run away from my past, or deny it, or avoid it by throwing myself into busy-work. To be able to learn from my own personal history, I had to break free from all the old expectations that everyone else had placed on me and look back to see things for what they really are, apart from the swirl of emotions.  I can't do everything, fix everything, be everything, please everyone, and that is simply a fact.  I believe that it's the truth that makes me free, but first I had to walk away from the lies. Sometimes the lies are personified in our lives. Walking away is the beginning of freedom, I think, because I know for myself, I've tended to become like those with whom I'm in fellowship/ association. Trying so hard here not to say "we" and "us" messages  that now I feel like I'm using the word "I" too much ~ lol. Must be time to shut up ;)  Thanks, Moon.  More later.
Hope

seasons

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Re: Hi ~ Just joined the board
« Reply #14 on: May 06, 2006, 08:58:24 PM »
Certain Hope,

Great to have you hear. I'm on the run but wanted to say hello. seasons
"Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak Kindly. Leave the Rest to God."
Maya Angelou