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Jazz:
Hi,
I would so appreciate some help.For several years I have had a very close friend. He was always volatile, selfish and moody, but at other times we had a loving, fun and I thought very special connection. For a while I have  suspected that he could be a narcissist, but I made allowances for him,and really loved him.
A short time ago I told him that he was a very special friend to me, but that I had to set a couple of simple boundaries. For him to honour these would have needed just a little effort on his part. For years he has been telling me how much I mean to him. I told him that if he could not fulfil the simple request I was now making, that I would have to end the friendship.
His reaction has killed me. He said that I should do whatever made me happy, that he has let me down but that there is nothing he can do to meet my requests,and that I made the right choice (to end the friendship.)
Without any word of warmth, remorse, or sorrow at losing my loyal friendship, he finished by saying that he would never contact me again.He to ld me this in an email, to which I haven't replied.
I am distraught. To my mind we were the closest of friends, but he seems to have turned off the feelings he said he had for me, from undying love to absolute coldness. I look back on all the good times we had together and wonder what the hell was going on. Doesn't he even miss me, or want to know how I am?
Can somebody help me please?

Portia nologgedin:
Hi Jazz, what were those simple boundries you set? Were they simple to him or did you inadvertently push some buttons? Do you know? ... Portia not logged in

Jazz:
Thanks Portia.
The boundaries were around things like when we met. Eg. He would say 'I'll meet you between 2pm and 5pm.' I told him that I thought I deserved more respect than to be fitted into a time slot like that. It took me a long time to express the way that this sort of arrangement made me feel...for some reason I was terrified of his reaction. Even when we had an arrangement like this, he would always contact me while I was on my way to meet him,to say he would be late, although I was normally the one making the longer journey. I told him, but in a caring way, that he was one of my best-loved friends, and that I thought I deserved better than that.But I feel now as if the first time I asked him to think of it from my point of view, he just threw up his hands and moved on. His words were;'You are right...I can no longer give you what is required.'
Any help or insight please? Thanks so much.

Portia nologgedin:
Oh dear Jazz. Do you miss him? Did/do you love him? Was this a romantic friendship that you thought may have gone further? What did you expect from the relationship and did it conflict with what he wanted? P

mcginnis40:
Hi Jazz,

It's hard to say whether your friend is a narcissist (given how little you've revealed about him), but one thing seems pretty clear to me:  It's your job in this friendship to do what he wants, and when you challenge that--even a little, and with a clear and reasonable request--he ends the friendship.

I think, maybe, that you owe it to the friendship (if it was as valuable to you as you say) to try to respond to his e-mail.  Reinforce that you care very much for him and want to continue the friendship, but not at any price.  Maybe tell him that your refusal to play entirely by his rules is part of a bigger change in your life (if it is)--that you're not going to play entirely by anybody's rules, not just his.  It might be worth it to keep the door open just a little longer, but please don't retract your original statement.  It probably took a lot of courage to make it.  Please don't decide that wasn't worth the effort.  If this person won't respect your rights, then maybe the friendship was entirely one-sided.

You would be completely justified in firing off an e-mail wherein you accuse him of being childish, selfish, and ridiculous.  But I think that would pretty much end any chance of continuing the friendship.  So, on balance, I would say--give your friend a chance to reconsider and behave like an adult.  If he won't, then that's his problem.  I know, I know...easier said than done.  But having found your voice in this relationship, don't give it away.

Regards,
Joyce

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