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Anonymous:
Jarmac,

The solution is to invite people to dinner on your birthday, plan it exactly as you want it, and make it special for yourself. You will be far happier if you stop expecting and wishing for others to carry out your birthday wishes.

Anonymous:
Jazz,

You gave your friend some baseline conditions and he couldn't meet them, so you ended the friendship. That is fair enough. But you seem to expect him to fight for the friendship even though you ended it. Not everyone is willing to fight, especially if they still can't carry out your baseline conditions. I think you may want to let this friend go. He's not what you want in a friend anyway.

Jazz:
Thank you so much for sharing your opinions, and for your concern about my situation. I'll try to clarify a few things, and would love to know what you think.
1. the special connection I referred to: my friend and I used to talk for hours, about so many different things. Reading a book, we always found it was the same passages that said sth special to us. When we were out together, there seemed to be a sort of magnetism between us;we never stopped, talking arguing and laughing.
2. The flip side to the above. For almost all our relationship, I never felt secure in it; I always felt on edge, and that I had to be very careful about expressing my own feelings.It's hard to say exactly why; his response to me on diffeent days was unpredictable; often he said very loving things, but he could also be very dismissive and rude.I would not have accepted this from any other friend, but then talking to and being with him made me blissfully happy.Things were never just average between us; I either felt ecstatic, or desperately unsure of him.
3.So this was the background to our final conversations, about a month ago.I had been feeling for a very long time that sth had to change. I had tried everything I could to feel on an even keel in our relationship, but nothing had made me feel better.
4. I didn't plan to give him an ultimatum.About a month ago we were having an ordinary phone conversation, and I casually brought up the request I wanted to make of him.He said that he could not fulfil it, so I let the matter drop.
A couple of days later,I phoned him again.I half intended to end the friendship when I started the call, but I was secretly hoping that he would say sth that would make it possible for me to continue it.After some trivial chat, I asked him again if he could grant my request, but he said no, the situation had not changed, that there was nothing he could do, and that I should do whatever made me happy.I told him that my other friends did not put the limits in friendship that he did, but that he was one of my most-loved friends, and that this didn't seem right to me.

Jazz:
(Sorry it's still me.)
I was hurt and shocked that there seemed to be no attempt in him to grant my request, or even to try and meet me halfway, although he must have known I was serious. And this is sb who had told me 2 days earlier that I was next to his mother in his heart, meant the world to him ,etc.
Anyway, I told him that I would have to end the friendship, but that if he could find a way round it, to let me know.I certainly did not intend to present him with an ultimatum, and I don't think that I did.
In the past I would always have called him back to sort out a difficult situation, but this time I knew that for once I had to stick to my guns.
Two days later he emailed to say that he agreed with my decision, how much he loved me, and may God look after me.
When you ask why I expected him to fight to keep the friendship, when I had ended it., I see what you are saying.I am just trying to express my hurt and shock;literally for years he had been saying loving things to me;but when ,for almost the first time, I asked him to do sth to make me feel better, and sth that would just have been a small inconvenience to him,he did not do anything.
To make matters worse, I am very confused now about what I have done, and I don't know if even this is part of the spell that he had cast over me.I worry about if he is hurt, angry with me, or just completely indifferent.Yes, by our 'special connection' you would think I would know how he would be feeling, but his sudden coldness and lack of action makes me wonder if there is sth in his character that I did not see before.This possibility makes me wonder if the whole relationship was a lie.I spent a long time trying to keep him as happy as possible, and now I feel that perhaps he never cared about me.I would at least feel better if I knew that he could look back with pleasant memories of me, but I don't feel certain about a single thing anymore.I don't know how to feel better about all these possibilities, because if I contact him, he is capable of being dismissive, remote or nasty, and I don't want to leave myself open to that.
I don't feel certain of anything now.He certainly seems to have a lot of N traits;I don't know if that would explain his behaviour during the relationship, and now...it all seems so contradictory. I'm so taken aback that I even doubt sometimes whether I should have asked him for the favour I did. IF I hadn't done that at least we would still have been meeting, etc......but then I was so unhappy as well!
What a mess! Can anyone shine any light on this for me?
Thanks.

Anonymous:

--- Quote ---I spent a long time trying to keep him as happy as possible....literally for years he had been saying loving things to me;but when ,for almost the first time, I asked him to do sth to make me feel better, and sth that would just have been a small inconvenience to him,he did not do anything
--- End quote ---


Actions speak louder than words.  IMHO relationships are about give and take, and I stand by my opinion that you did nothing wrong in asking for what you wanted.  A relationship where one person is doing most of the caring and the other is just receiving is emotionally damaging and draining.  You start to feel as if you do not have a right to ask for anything, as if your asking for something is an imposition, as if it is too much of a burden.


--- Quote ---I'm so taken aback that I even doubt sometimes whether I should have asked him for the favour I did. IF I hadn't done that at least we would still have been meeting, etc......but then I was so unhappy as well!
--- End quote ---


Often times we hold on to relationships because we're afraid of the emptiness that we will have to face if that relationship is gone.  We are unwilling to let the relationship go for fear that we will be missing out on something.  But ask yourself, if this relationship has made you feel desperately unsure of yourself, unhappy, uncertain,  insecure, if you have tried everything you can to feel on an even keel in our relationship, but nothing has made you feel better, then why, why, why do you want to hold on to it?  

He has told you to do whatever you can to make yourself happy, and if you read through this thread, you will see that you have confessed that he hasn't made you all that happy.   You have said,

--- Quote ---he is capable of being dismissive, remote or nasty, and I don't want to leave myself open to that
--- End quote ---


So you may be uncertain about a lot of things, but you are clear on some things.  In my situations, I have never ended friendships with anyone.  I have explained to them in a loving and honest way, whether they are able to hear it or not, that the relationship does not nurture me, and that hurts me, and because I cannot continue to hurt myself, I must distance myself from the relationship.  I stopped doing all the things I was doing to maintain the relationship, and I let the relationship take care of itself.


Now, IMO if "my friend" valued the relationship, she would make the initiate to keep the lines of communication going, but if because she didn't, that makes it very clear to me that the relationship was not important enough for her to actually try and make it satisfactory, not just to her but to me as well.  

That doesn't mean I never speak to the person again.  As a matter of fact, I recently ran into her in the library, we spoke, we went out and got a bite to eat with the kids.  I could tell she was uncomfortalbe and nervous, and unsure of what to say, but you know what, that was her problem and not mine.  It was no longer my job to make sure she was okay.  I still love her.  I love her from a distance, because that is safer for me, and because I love myself more.

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