venting and celebrating

[sjkravill]

it's been a while.

I am divorcing my N Husband of 4 years.  This past week we had mediation, and this morning I took a friend over to the house to give me moral support as NH and I divided up furnature. 
He really screwed me in both proceedings because I cannot afford to take him to court to enforce the law, and he makes 70 grand a year, and I am a student with loans up the you know what.  Today really brought back the traumma of living with him.  I have been out since october.  I hated that he still had all of the control.  He got all of the furnature and most of the money.  For me, the anger is not about the money but that I can never have justice with this man.  He is in control until the very end. Even as I divorce him I continue to be astonished at his lack of empathy, and lack of conscience.  Also by how out of touch with reality he seems to be.  He gave me a CD he burned for me, as a gift after he screwed me in mediation.  I wanterd to whack him with it.  But I didn't say anything, because i learned a long time ago that the more I say the worse things get.  Why am I STILL surprised by his evil?  I wish I had it in me to screw him in return.  Lord knows I have fantasies about selling all his expensive stuff, or just giving it away...
And how do you deal with residual trauma and huge ammounts of anger?  He is supposed to give me an alimony check.  and I am worried he will manipulate and make me do things for it, like talk to him.  Ugh! I will be relying on the money.  I could not pay my rent without it.

I celebrate though, that I got out! He was an abusive N.  For the rest of my life I can go on, accomplish my goals, have meaningful relationships... and maybe someday he will just be a blip on the radar screen.  He tried to make invisible.  But he is really the weak one, and he has to trample on people to feel strong.  You know what, I was in church this week and I was actually singing the hymns.  For the last several years I could not get my voice to work.  It was like wispering.  like I was literally voiceless.  I think this is the beginning... of being young, single, independant, powerful and happy!

[Marta]

Jacmac,

Good to hear from you again. 

We must speak to be heard
But sometimes we must be silent to be appreciated

I hope you are doing well. I hope you never stopped feeling appreciated.

Take care,

Marta

[Brigid]

skjavrill,
Be grateful you are getting out after only 4 years.  You didn't mention any children, but hopefully there are none and you can move on without ever having any contact with him again.

He is supposed to give me an alimony check.  and I am worried he will manipulate and make me do things for it, like talk to him.  Ugh! I will be relying on the money.  I could not pay my rent without it.

I would suggest that you have specific wording in your divorce decree regarding his payment of that money.  I insisted that the money I was receiving be transferred to my bank by a certain day of the month so I would have the money in time to pay my mortgage, etc.  My ex had to set up with his bank to transfer funds to my bank--that way I am not at all reliant on him sending me the check.  If it is in writing and he doesn't live up to that, you do have grounds to take him back to court.

Good luck.  Try to work on getting past the anger.  He's not worth it and you have a lot of life left to live in hopefully a much happier place than where you have been for the last 4 years.

Brigid

[Portia]

Hey sjkravill

Congratulations on divorcing him and celebrations for getting your singing voice back. That's so indicative of how silenced you were isn't it?

Here's to the new single happy you!

[sjkravill]

Thanks all for the encouragement!

I can't afford to take him to court if he doesn't pay me the alimony. 
Sometimes I wish in retrospect that I had been strong enough sooner to take him to court for the abuse and the rape.... I mean, it's a criminal act.  But he had screwed with my mind so much that I could not at the time...

I have to tell myself that I am strong just for getting out. And that justice pales in comparison to freedom.

True enough for me, but I wish I could prevent the next woman's misfortune.... I wish former girlfriends or wives could talk to current girlfriends and wives... I wish I could have listened to the woman before me.  She had things to tell me but he said she was nuts and I believed him.

I guess we just try to do things proactively for the problem of Nism and violence against women as a whole if we can't actually do something about the Ns in our lives.   

 

[sjkravill]

oh right... and No, no children... thank goodness for CONTRACEPTIVES! 

[pennyplant]

Hi sjkravill,

I want to congratulate you for getting out when you did.  Probably part of why you stayed for awhile was you have a heart and it was impossible to understand at first that this was a person who did not care and would not change (for the better anyway).  This is a very difficult concept for normal people with normal emotions and empathy to accept.  Maybe you just kept giving him the benefit of the doubt the way people do with those they love.  But now you know and you saved yourself.  That is a triumph.  Be proud of yourself for that!

Pennyplant

[mum]

Wow. You have reason to vent AND to celebrate.  Your posts resonate so strongly with me. I am battling my ex...still, but it's because we share children. So you really do have some luck there, let me tell you.

But the total grip they have on us for so long is not easy to break loose from, and they know it, and count on it. I have been away from my ex for 10 years and he still can't let me go, emotionally, and he has the kids as tools to get to me.

But I walked away from the "fight" and you can, too. I still have tons of legal crap to get through, so no, I am not free of this, but emotionally, it's over for me. He can take his hidden money overseas and shove it up his arse. He can call me names in court all he wants, he can stomp and rage and rant and have his little tantrums. Doesn't matter. All I can do is let it go. Step aside and let it fly by. So he ups the ante.....they always do, and you are right about it.  My ex's raging is escalating the more I detach.  Oh well. I hope and pray he doesn't hurt our kids, (teenagers) but emotionally, he already has, and now that is their battle to fight....or detach from. It's their path.

I hope you can feel that way soon.....the anger will be a clearing for you. You might want to find ways to work it out, so that it doesn't become habitual. But you have every right to whatever feelings you have right now. Can't deny them. Just keep your head down and keep walking right through the pain toward your bright, N-less future!!!!

[sjkravill]

Hey all,
Well today was my moving day.  I had a heap of friends up to the house helping me pack up the kitchen utinsils and linnens (the things I did get in the settlement... only one piece of furniture).
I decided to get the nice pillows from the master bed.  There was make-up on the pillow case (the side where I used to sleep) though I never wear makeup! So only one thing is possible (My XNH is taking up cross-dressing and sleeps on the other side of the  bed when he is in drag!) Actually we had a good laugh at that possibility (not that there is anything wrong with cross-dressing).  There has alwas been a possibility in my mind that there were other women.  But I never knew for sure, and of course if I asked him he would make me think I was crazy for asking.  You know, I did detach... I thought "gosh I feel sorry for her" But I didn't feel a bit bad that he is probably sleeping with someone already. I really don't care at all. 

My friends helped me to laugh through the whole thing.  One of my friends packed all of the toilet-paper in the house! I was in stitches! It is about the most viscious I could get. Although I had fanatsies about rubbing my greasy hands all over his new plasma screen tv. 

They also helped me to think it might still be possible for me to keep the house another year and have renters.  Then I might make some equity or at least break even and recoup my student loans.  At this point I would just lose money.  I love that little house, so I hope it works out. 

Thanks for listening to me vent, and encouraging me.  I needed to celebrate the freedom inspite of the yet again financial screwing.     

[pennyplant]

Hi sjkravill,

Moving day was a big, big day for you--I'm wondering how you feel today now that such a big change has actually occurred.  Also, I'm glad you have the support of good friends.  That can help make a big difference in your healing process.

Pennyplant

[sjkravill]

Pennyplant,
Thanks for asking... Today I feel free. 
I kissed middle class goodbye, and moved into a neighborhood where as I was moving in there were TV coppters circling because there was a shooting and an armed man hold up in the apaprtment adjacent.  But you know it doesn't phase me.  I wasn't made for the middle class!
So much of the anger has dissipated... There is something freeing about having so little material wealth left to lose. 
Moving day was big, and symbolic feeling.  It's really over! Finito! Hurray! I am feeling much more light hearted than I have in a while.  More celebrating!
I am hoping that a lot of the anger has moved through my system... Anger serves an interesting protective purpose I think.  Now that I don't have a reason to be scared I don't have a reason to be angry either. 

[Sela]

Congratulations Sjkravill!

Now that I don't have a reason to be scared I don't have a reason to be angry either.

 

You are truly rich!  Isn't this a wealth of freedom and comfort?  Horray and bravo!!

  Sela