Hello All,
I've been away for a variety of reasons. One was I was doing well, I went to my divorce hearing, stayed away from my N ex H for a few weeks, stopped smoking so much and felt a bit of "hope" again, some light enter again.
Then, the darkness returned and I allowed it to come into my world, invited it in and boy did it get me horrifically this time. He phones me from this place where he was watching this emotionally disturbed young boy. My ex is a therapist. He is sounding "unwell" and I am concerned and he works me on this concern. He is unravelled, apologetic, sounding emotionally distraught and all my caretaking is on overkill. I have to leave work and drive to the parking lot of a local convenience store I am sobbing so hard (I work at a local Non profit org) since I cannot handle all the emotional stress of this call. I get all this apology stuff that, of course, I desire (and he knows I desire) underneath it I am duly worried, was before he took this job, about this kid, his behaviour, about everything. I was just all mixed up...getting sucked under by the minute.
Cut to the chase: he convinces me to come up to the house where he is watching the kid, I go, he is nice, seemingly unravelled and sad, seductive..you get the picture...but when he is sexual he is mildly over agressive it is not so good of a scene at all but I just block it all out and leave after.
Cut to a few days later: the phoning begins with more of this, more seductive, I go away with my horrid N mom (pre scheduled rare visit with whole family - it was unfortunately planned) I return, more phoning, I'm wearing out. He calls more, more seductive.
I finally just relent. BAD IDEA. He knows I don't do well after mom-time. I capitulate, I'm lonely, I'm basically emotionally a mess by now and so sick of all this ...so relent. He is insane sexually with all sorts of unwell themes spoken at me btw and agressive..I won't do anyones head in here. He is happy as a clam afterward, like this is normal, oh he is just like he just had a night at the cinema it is all so "OK". Even said a nice warm "you did a good job" I just sobbed and sobbed and he ignored it. I went to work in a state of shock, been in shock ever since actually, growing shock is running through me as the days go by. I never spoke to him again, 2 days later I wrote him an email asking him in the most non threatening way to not contact me, he of course contacted me again the next day. I left town, went to my former ex's house in another state and finally told all to him. I was with this ex since I was a young girl for 17 yrs. It was the first time I had really spoken about the whole weirdness, there is so much shame and fear almost like a growing hysteria.
My divorce will be final this week, I have therapy friday and have to talk to my therapist. I am now starting to suspect I am more traumatized than I thought I was. I am waking up in anxiety modes, want to report him to his therapist to stop him from working with children, call the police..I feel utterly helpless and yet it is I who let him in the door. I don't understand anymore it has just become more awful every moment.
I feel this dread, like if he doesn't use me, who would he harm? Like I am responsible, his monitor of sorts and wonder if that is how he controls me, because I cannot do this weird job anymore, I cannot even answer the phone anymore. But I keep thinking this cannot be allowed, he cannot be allowed. I think at times I might be losing it.
Is this level of trauma normal reaction to the sexual and emotional exploitation? Does this go away with time? This weird level of shame and responsibility to society and lack of it towards oneself?
I must take care of myself and somehow I lost my footing and I'm not sure how I did so badly..
Pavelle
