My sister is trying to drag me back in...

[Sugarbear]

I have been doing really well dealing with the fallout of breaking my N mother's control over me and my life, and while there have been a few bumps in the road, so far, I am doing well.

Unfortunately, my sister (who lives out of state) is a bit of an enabler, and is feeling sorry for our mother... she is a bit of a pollyanna type (always looks on the bright side, even when there ISN'T any) and she has been pestering me over the last few months with requests for help for our mother... which is one of the things that I was trying to distance myself from. My mother expected me to do even the most mundane of tasks for her, even tho she isn't disabled, feeble-minded or otherwise unable to do them herself. (I last posted about my mom expecting me to do her taxes for her... and the nasty phone call that resulted in a huge fight when I told her "no")

Anyway, today I get an email from my sister, regarding my upcoming visit to see my dad and her family at the end of this month. My Dh and I are going up there for a week, and I had to arrange for a pet sitter for my kitties. I had mentioned this to my sister in passing, because usually my mom took care of my cats while I was gone, and I took care of hers while she was gone. I don't want her in my house at all anymore (she is a major snooper) not to mention I don't want to be beholden to my mother for anything, so I found a very nice licenced pet sitter in the phone book and made arrangements for her to care for my pets while away.

My sister sent me an email that requested my pet sitter's info, so she could pass it along to our mother. She also requested me to do something for our mother for Mother's Day. I am sick of her acting like our mother is some poor wounded bird that needs care and coddling... so my response to her email is below... does it sound like I did okay???


~~~~~~~~
She has a petsitter; the one we used back for your wedding - the magnet should be still on her fridge... I think it was green and shaped like a bone. If not, I am sure she is capable of checking with her vet for recommendations or looking one up in the phonebook; that is what I did.

*quote from my sister's email:
>Mother's Day is coming up, please do something for mom, even if it's just a
>short phone call or a card.  She misses you very much and has been trying
>very hard not to bother you or ask you for anything.  Even if you don't want
>a relationship with her, a simple gesture for Mother's Day would probably
>mean a great deal to her.
*end of quote*

Please stop asking me to do things for her. If I choose to do anything, then it is because I care about her, not because she is so lonely, or because you asked me to, but because I choose to still include her in my life. I really need you to understand this, because it feels like you are taking her side in all of this. Please at least respect my request to stop trying to "fix" this by asking me to participate.

I have never been the one to cut her off, that was her choice, and she was quite clear about her demands and expectations of me in order for her to continue to "love" me. I am not avoiding her calls, but I am no longer willing to put my life on hold whenever she demands anymore. I am tired of the fighting, the responsibility, the jealousy and the neediness. You seem to have forgotten (or is it just because you are now the "golden child"?) how she can be, and I am distancing myself from her for my own sanity and peace of mind.

I'm glad that you are being a source of comfort to her, but please remember, she has cut off everyone in her life who offends her whether they are family or friends, and has isolated herself from co-workers and social contacts. She has made the choices to live the way she does, and that is not my fault or my responsibility... no matter how much she wants it to be.
~~~~~~

I am really tired of my sister acting like this; she has been on the receiving end of our mother's anger and cruelty, so it just really galls me that she would even write stuff like this!!! I had actually written something MUCH harsher, but I am trying to take the high road and not get mean... but I really need her to understand how her interference isn't helping and really hurts me...
(my sister is very over-sensitive as well, so no matter what I wrote, I'm probably still going to piss her off) *sigh*

[Healing&Hopeful]

Hiya Sugar

I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through right now.

I can understand why your sister is wanting you to do something for mother's day, as it must be hard for her being in the middle of your Mum and you, however that is a place she has chosen to be and I have a huge amount of respect for you for the email you sent back to her, stating your boundaries, which I feel is all you have done.  The only bit which I felt was a bit tense was calling her the golden child.

IMHO, I think you did very well.  It's a difficult situation and unfortunately dealing with a parent can sometimes be a no win situation.

Take care

H&H xx

[Portia]

Hi Sugarbear

So your sister is in denial and enabling?
Or maybe she’s trying to manipulate you into doing the card to take some pressure off her? (maybe she does see what your mother is like but goes along with it grudgingly and not without some guilt at her feelings).

You stated your feelings and reasons clearly. How your sister responds depends on her state of mind.

Did you do okay? I don’t know Sugarbear! It depends on what you anticipate coming back to you.

What if your sister gets angry with you? Or hurt? Or sad? Or just doesn’t reply?

She may not understand you and it may be impossible for her to understand you at the moment.

Are you happy with what you wrote? Is there anything now that you wish you hadn’t said, or wish you had said to her? How you feel is what's important.

[seasons]

Sugarbear,

You have done a remarkable job in this situation. Hugs to you for doing what is best and healthy for you.

(((seasons)))

[Sugarbear]

I can understand why your sister is wanting you to do something for mother's day, as it must be hard for her being in the middle of your Mum and you, however that is a place she has chosen to be and I have a huge amount of respect for you for the email you sent back to her, stating your boundaries, which I feel is all you have done. The only bit which I felt was a bit tense was calling her the golden child.

I used the term (yes, it does sound a bit bitchy) because that is what my mom does with my sister and myself. One daughter is the "golden" one who is the most loved and pleases her the most, and the other daughter is the bad one... and for many, many years, I was the golden child and my sister was the bad one. Now that I have realized what price I was paying to be the "loved" child, and stopped paying, my mother reviled me and turned to my sister for comfort, validation, and as a source to spew her anger about me to and to serve as her "loved" daughter. My sister's faults are suddenly not so bad, now that she is needed by our mother.
I endured many past conversations about how our mother couldn't understand how my sister turned out so "bad" and how she didn't even love her or like her as a person... if she wasn't her mother, then she wouldn't have anything to do with her.

My sister might take that term in the bitchy way I sort of mean it, but she is aware of the way our mother plays us off of each other, whether she admits it or not.

Believe me, I am a very bitchy person, so i wrote something initially that would have been much worse to send!

Thanks for the empathy - I am so new at standing my ground, I guess I still need to work harder about removing the emotional (bad ones) from the equations.

So your sister is in denial and enabling?
Or maybe she’s trying to manipulate you into doing the card to take some pressure off her? (maybe she does see what your mother is like but goes along with it grudgingly and not without some guilt at her feelings).

You stated your feelings and reasons clearly. How your sister responds depends on her state of mind.

Did you do okay? I don’t know Sugarbear! It depends on what you anticipate coming back to you.

What if your sister gets angry with you? Or hurt? Or sad? Or just doesn’t reply?

She may not understand you and it may be impossible for her to understand you at the moment.

Are you happy with what you wrote? Is there anything now that you wish you hadn’t said, or wish you had said to her? How you feel is what's important.

Good questions. I am happy with what I wrote, even knowing that it probably will upset my sister. I'm so tired about tiptoeing around everyone else's feelings, but I'm getting better about stating my needs/boundaries. I know that it could have been much nicer, or even just ignored the email, but I just had to say something. I used to blow up and mudsling with the best of them, but I always felt so unclean after those types of confrontations; that kind of emotional "mud" is so hard to clean off.

I don't think my sister is in denial, she knows exactly how cruel our mother can be. My sister just can't seem to wrap her mind around the idea of change. Family should just get along, even if that means hurting and subverting yourself to make the family unit "function" like it always has. She is in a really low place and has been for years due to her own inability to stand up for herself and take care of her own problems, so I don't expect much from her.

I hope the main thing that happens is that she does stop pressuring me to take care of "our poor mother."

Sugarbear,

You have done a remarkable job in this situation. Hugs to you for doing what is best and healthy for you.

(((seasons)))

Thank You!!!!

[reallyME]

Sugarbear,

You're my HERO!!!  I loved your letter, admired your courage and it blesses my socks off to see a formerly-abused person STANDING UP STRONGLY to the abuser and enabler!

Way to GO!

I endured many past conversations about how our mother couldn't understand how my sister turned out so "bad" and how she didn't even love her or like her as a person... if she wasn't her mother, then she wouldn't have anything to do with her.

Exactly.  I would love to see every person whose narcissistic parent abused them, LEAVE THAT PERSON ALL ALONE SO THEY HAVE NOBODY TO PREY UPON ANYMORE!  Unfortunately, I know all too well, there will inevitably be at least 1 enabler/echo in the family, that will continue to serve as the narcissistic supply source for the abuser.  grrrrrrrrrrrrrr.  I hate injustice, I hate abuse, and I most of all HATE FAMILY SECRETS THAT ENABLE THE ABUSE TO CONTINUE.

Please, keep on standing firm and immovable.  We can't change the N's but we can choose to take care of ourselves!

Blessya,

ReallyME

[Sugarbear]

I got a response from my sister... this really makes me heartsick that she is IGNORING my request to leave me out of all of this!


My sister's response to original email (at the top):

> You mean the petsitter y'all used for my wedding 6 years ago?  She may not
> even still be doing it.
>
> Is there some reason you can't share your petsitter's number?  I mean, you
> said she sounded good, so I though it'd be good to save Mom a bit of
> trouble.


My reply:

If the woman isn't still pet-sitting (and there is no reason to assume she isn't - she'd been around for 10 years or so at that point in time and was a woman in her late 30s) then there are plenty of others out there. We found her through our vet at the time.

Is there some reason that you think she is incapable of looking in a phone book or talking to her vet? She is not feeble-minded, helpless or otherwise disabled, so this shouldn't be something that she needs your help (or mine) to do.

I have asked you nicely to stop asking me to do stuff connected with mom. I need to not have this in my life right now, in any way, shape or form. I am very hurt and trying to heal and come to terms with the type of relationship (if any) that I can have with her, and I can't do that until I have completely separated from her influence. Constantly asking me to help her out or do things for her - even requests for information that I did the legwork for - are not helping me, and I need you to understand this.

You have ignored my request to stop including me in "helping" mom, even after I have explained my reasons, so in the future, any such requests from you will get no response from me. I'm not trying to be mean to you or her, I'm just doing what I have to do to try to heal.

~*~**~*~*~*~*

I bet my sister is thinking that I am being petty and hateful, I just know it. Our "poor" mother, all alone in the world, and I won't cough up the info on the petsitter that I found. I interviewed 3 different ones, talked to my vet and had a face-to-face with the one I ended up choosing. I did all of the work!

This is one of the things that really pissed me off with dealing with my mother. She used to expect me to do all of the work culling out the contractors, comparing prices, shopping around, run her errands, make her appointments. I was her personal dogsbody for years... and I am tired of it.

Why don't I ever get any sympathy from my sister about our mother?? Why does she seem to think mom is the wronged one in all of this?

Did this response sound okay? I want to be firm, keep the emotions out of it, try to reiterate my needs and boundaries, and had to lay a new boundary on her about not responding from now on if she keeps up the "mom needs xyz" crap. What do you think?

[Healing&Hopeful]

Hi ((((((((Sugar))))))))))

I think you're reply is perfectly acceptable.... sometimes we just need to repeat ourselves to reinstall our boundaries.

I can see what Storm is saying and I agree with her about stomping all over you and then reacting to requests to stop by stomping further.  Though my gut feeling is telling me that your sister's not intentionally doing this, given what you've posted about her.

From what I can tell it's not a biggie with the petsitter and it is something your sister and your mum can sort out, as you said.  Though I know with my family the slightest thing is huge so it could be the same with yours?  I tend to joke about my mum by saying "why get something resolved quickly when you can faff about it for days".

Why don't you get any sympathy?  I don't know hon.... It could be that she is saying stuff to your mum sticking up for you, and then sticking up for your mum with you?

I bet my sister is thinking that I am being petty and hateful, I just know it. Our "poor" mother, all alone in the world, and I won't cough up the info on the petsitter that I found.  This is the small picture though.... and you can see the larger picture which your sister can't possibly see yet?

Trust in yourself, you're doing ok.

Hugs

H&H xx

[Sugarbear]

Hi Sugarbear

First a disclaimer: the next sentence I type will probably sound like a putdown. It isn't, you need to read the sentence after it because you need the follow through to see where I'm going. You've already been hassled enough, so I just wanted to ease things here.

This is pretty much what happens whenever someone tries to set boundaries with people who are used to violating boundaries.

No putdown or dismissal intended: what I mean is, boundary violators are used to stomping all over you, and they usually react to requests to stop by stomping EVEN HARDER.

It's called a 'changeback' reaction. And it's not as conscious, in many cases, as I'm making it sound. It's more a 'you're different and I don't like it, so I'm going to pressure you to go back to being the way you were'.

That's one reason people can become reluctant to set boundaries. Because of many past experiences where people were trampled and jumped up and down on when they protested, they may learn not to protest. Because people usually end up trying to set a boundary when they have had it, and are absolutely fed up and exhausted, it's hard to hold on to enough energy to defend that boundary from the attack that automatically comes.

No offence taken - I understand what you are saying. It is just hard to wrap my mind around the fact that my sister is once again ignoring my requests to be left out of the drama, knowing as she does how our mother is.

Changeback reaction - that is facinating.

I know that my sister isn't trying to intentionally hurt me, but it is something that she is definately doing by trying to keep me involved. She is doing it out of concern for our "poor" mother, without thinking about the effect it has on me.

My mom does the same thing. It is usually when I have asked her to stop doing something that makes me uncomfortable or upsets me, but in her case, she just does the thing even more, to show me that I can't dictate her behavior. I've tried setting boundaries with my mom in the past, but she ends up not just trampling them, but pointing out that that is exactly what she is doing, and with a streak of cruelty thrown in for good measure.

Thanks for the insight, Stomchild!

I think you're reply is perfectly acceptable.... sometimes we just need to repeat ourselves to reinstall our boundaries.

I can see what Storm is saying and I agree with her about stomping all over you and then reacting to requests to stop by stomping further. Though my gut feeling is telling me that your sister's not intentionally doing this, given what you've posted about her.

From what I can tell it's not a biggie with the petsitter and it is something your sister and your mum can sort out, as you said. Though I know with my family the slightest thing is huge so it could be the same with yours? I tend to joke about my mum by saying "why get something resolved quickly when you can faff about it for days".

Why don't you get any sympathy? I don't know hon.... It could be that she is saying stuff to your mum sticking up for you, and then sticking up for your mum with you?

I bet my sister is thinking that I am being petty and hateful, I just know it. Our "poor" mother, all alone in the world, and I won't cough up the info on the petsitter that I found. This is the small picture though.... and you can see the larger picture which your sister can't possibly see yet?

I'm getting pretty good at the rinse/repeat cycle of explaining my boundaries.

You're right - I don't think my sister is being intentionally cruel. I think she is attempting to stay neutral, but her way of doing this is probably exactly as you stated. Defending me to my mother, and defending my mom's case to me. She isn't helping, but that is probably the best she knows how to do, and I know that she loves both of us. I don't actually want to put her in the middle of all of this, but unfortunately, our mother has placed her there.

I need to try to keep this perspective, because I don't want to start resenting my sister. We don't have a very close relationship, so I need to understand how strained she is feeling at this point as well. Our mother can be hell to deal with even when she actually likes you!

And I love the "why get something resolved quickly when you can faff about it for days". !!

That is describes my family perfectly!

Thank you!

[Hop guest]

Sorry I haven't had anything to offer here, Sugarbear, but you've gotten great responses imo.
I have two reasons:
--I'm swamped and must get to work
--part of me recognized/identified w/your sister's attempt to steer or control you, and I don'tl like that part of myself. I think I"ve done it with my daughter at times. I've mostly stopped that sort of communication in recent years though.

But I also have a desperately important question...I am a Yank you know (even if a Suthrun one):
Please, somebody define the verb FAFF for me?

It's a wonderful word. I want it! (But my rule is, I can't keep it if I can't croak out a definition!) 

thanks,
Hops

[lightofheart]

Dear Sugarbear.
I'm so sorry for what you're going through. It sounds very painful.

For what it's worth, I thought Portia asked a great question:
What if your sister gets angry with you? Or hurt? Or sad? Or just doesn't reply?

Fourteen years ago I wrote my N. father a letter that made him break off contact with me, probably forever. I was so optimistic it never occurred to me that he would react that way. I was convinced if I wrote lovingly, without anger—forgiving the past entirely, no apologies necessary—and only stated what I needed in the future (honesty and mutual respect) that he loved me enough to at least try. Wrong guess. Well, as my hubby likes to say, Who Knew?

I will always be grateful that my last message to my father was a kindness. These are the questions I always try to answer before I approach a difficult conversation with someone I care about (I try to be extra careful with letters, as there's no chance to clarify). 

What positive outcome do I need?
What is the most positive way to communicate that to this person (based on everything I know about them and the way we interact) in a way she/he can really hear?
Can I live with the absolute worst outcome (yell/cry/never talk to me again), and, if that happened, could I live with these as my last words to him/her without regret?

I find if approach the hardest conversation from a place of loving kindness, no blame, just stating my needs (if it’s what I need, I won’t ask), I can live with even the worst outcome knowing I did what I could to maintain my sanity/the relationship in healthy way.

Take good care, Sugarbear. I'm sure you'll make the right choices for you.
Best,
LoH