Any recommendations of resources on fear of rejection?

[Grace888]

I just wrote you a long reply and then I got curious about this person you met. So I’ll keep the reply back and just ask: did you meet this person by accident, did you expect him to talk about you? What is he like?

I wonder what you wrote in your long reply.  This person whom I mentioned was a friend of my friend.  My friend had invited him over to her house as I was there too.  We all hung out together for the day.  So you can say that I met him unintentionally and did not expect to carry on a long conversation about life with him at all.  My ititial impression of him was quite low.  I initially thought he was a lunatic and was not impress with his persona.  I even commented to my friend right in front of him, "why didn't you warn me of this weirdo beforehand?!"  He literally spoke his mind without reservation.  I was taken back by his bluntness at first.  I think his intention of causing me to create a low expectation of him initially was so that overtime, my expectation of him would increase.  The only direction from bottom is up, right?  I thought he was quite a clever fella in doing this.  I feel that I learned a lot from him and has more to learn.  Of course, he probably didn't realize how much I've benefitted from my conversation with him.

Have you thought about enlisting a wise and compassionate therapist as your ally in this work?

I thought about it often, but never made a resolute decision on it yet.  Haven't found one that I am sold out on.  But I am open to the idea.

I think I have often had too high of expectations of people, but I never connected it with my feelings of rejection.  That makes so much sense.  And that gives me something to work with.  But I can certainly correct my too high expectations.  I also have had too high expectations of myself.

I've never have made that association before myself.  In my case I normally have low expectations of myself. That is why I could never understand why I can't overcome my social anxiety and fear of rejection mentality.  Deep down I know I have a capacity to be creative and thought-provoking.  But somehow that capacity always gets suppressed and thwarted when I am interacting with people and sometimes just being by myself.  It is that pervasive failure that regularly cast a spell over me that ruins my mood and feelings of myself and of others and makes me hold back.  Now, I feel that I have a better understanding of this villain.  I can see clearer this subconscious connection between low expectation of myself and having too high an expectation of others.  I was giving too much credit to others and not enough credit to me.  Without realizing it, I was creating an unbalance view of myself and the other person.  There was no equilibrium between the two forces.  Now, I feel it needs to be the other way around...have a high expectation of myself and low expectation of others( and keep it in constant check and balance)...in regards to what they can do to meet my needs, make me feel loved or accepted, happy, etc.  I feel this will give me more a balanced, less distorted view of myself and of others, and will help me reduce my social anxiety level and fear of rejection.  For me, this is a new way of thinking and a big realm to explore.  I feel like I've only scratched the surface.  This guy I met doesn't realize how much his comment on the topic of expectations has impacted my thinking.

If I think people are really rejecting me, there is nothing I can do to fix it, you know,  make them want me. 

I hear ya!  When you said this, it made me think of the idea of ever wanting but never receiving.  Or just never filled.  That has been the story of my life.  All I ever want is for people to accept me at all times.  However, that approach created constant fear of rejection.  It is as if my vessel has a hole on the bottom of it.  No matter how much was poured into it, it didn't last.  Of course, everybody wants and needs acceptance.  In my case, I approached it in a futile and ineffective way.

But I probably wouldn't take it personally...not everyone is going to be interested in me.

I'm glad you are able to disassociate yourself from the lack of interest from others.  I've not been able to do that yet.  And I think it is b/c I associate with other people losing interesting in me as a personal failure on my part.  "What is unappealing about me or what did I do that made them lose interest in me?"  That has been my line of reasoning.  And I think that goes back to having low expectations of myself and too high expectations of others.  I think they are wonderful and I'm terrible mentality.  If I didn't think they were wonderful from the start and thought to myself that I am a wonderful person regardless if others find me interesting or not, then I wouldn't be bent out of shape from them not showing interest in me.  I wouldn't feel like a personal failure or have a fear of rejection, b/c I would have thought to myself, they must have personal issues that is why they are critical, inconsiderate, unenthused of me.  Their lack of interest just comes to show me they are human just like me.  And I would just brush it off me, undevastated.  I would actually have more of an accepting spirit toward them, I think.

Anyway, I'm glad you met this person.  It is a real gift sometimes to meet someone with the insight or something else special that can help you change your life.

It sure is!

Grace

[pennyplant]

Hi Grace,

Regarding your comments about levels of expectation for ourselves and others--I do have very high expectations of myself as far as I really beat myself up if I fail or goof or whatever.  Way more hard on myself than I would be on others for the same mistakes.  I somehow think I have to be perfect and of course I never am!!

My high expectations of others have to do with my imagination.  I can take a little knowledge about a person and fill in the blanks with:  they must be so happy, so much fun, have a good home life, interesting things to do, manage their money better, raise their children better, and on and on.  I imagine that I can't measure up.  Then when this wonderful person isn't all that into me, I imagine what the logical reasons for this must be.  I'm no good, not fun enough, not  interesting enough, not attractive enough, and on and on.  Rejection!

Now I see how completely ridiculous all of it is.  Leftover stuff from childhood (not enough love or attention growing up).  Very immature and simplistic thinking, well childlike thinking that became a bad habit if you think about it.  Laziness on my part--wanting answers about complex issues to be simple and they never really are.

As a side note--my first impression of my husband was similar to your first impression of the guy who has had such an impact on you.  I didn't necessarily think he was a lunatic!  But he wouldn't look at me at first.  Didn't do a thing to impress me.  I didn't feel any spark at first and thought he was yet another person who wasn't going to work out for me.  By the end of the evening my mind was completely changed around.  He slowly warmed up and showed his sense of humor, sense of fairness, good manners, and he seemed so happy every time he looked at me (once he finally started doing that).  We were 17 when we met and now we're 45 (well, I will be in a few weeks).

I'm beginning to think that those people who bowl us over right away are the very ones we should say good-bye to right off the bat.  Don't those charming narcissists often come on strong and just blow us away--only to blow us off later on?  The people who I have liked the best over the years were often the ones who were cautious or quiet at first.

This is very helpful, Grace.  Lots to think about.

Pennyplant

[write]

I think that goes back to having low expectations of myself and too high expectations of others.

the high expectations for yourself are obvious- you want to be so interesting that everyone without exception is going to love you. Which is a high expectation to have of people who don't know you well yet too.

If I didn't think they were wonderful from the start and thought to myself that I am a wonderful person regardless if others find me interesting or not, then I wouldn't be bent out of shape from them not showing interest in me.

what makes you think they are not showing interest?
Most friendships are a process, rather than an instantaneous connection

( in fact- I've found since I did therapy those instantaneous connections hardly happen any more, which is good because they were all unhealthy extensions of a relationship I'd been doing since I was four...)

This is a great website based on Albert Ellis and RationalEmotiveBehaviourTherapy
http://www.rational.org.nz/public/BeliefsQuestionnaire/sup1.htm


eg.
The 12 Self-defeating beliefs

I need love and approval from those significant to me, and I must avoid disapproval from any source.

To feel happy and be worthwhile I must achieve, succeed at whatever I do, and make no mistakes.

People should always do the right thing. When they behave obnoxiously, unfairly or selfishly, they must be blamed and punished.

Things must be the way I want them to be, otherwise life will be intolerable.

My unhappiness is caused by things which are outside my control, so there is little I can do to feel any better.

I must worry about things that could be dangerous, unpleasant or frightening, otherwise they might happen.

I can be happier by avoiding life’s difficulties, unpleasantness and responsibilities.

Everyone needs to depend on someone stronger than themselves.

Events in my past are the cause of my problems, and they continue to influence my feelings and behaviours now.

I should become upset when other people have problems and feel unhappy when they’re sad.

I shouldn’t have to feel discomfort and pain. I can’t stand them and must avoid them at all costs.

Every problem should have an ideal solution, and it is intolerable when one can’t be found.
 

Of course I don't know much about your past and what rejections you have had to damage you or make you feel bad about yourself, but you seem interesting to me!

So what did you do to arouse and maintain my interest? You talked a bit about yourself, asked my opinion, listened, responded to my response...same with the other people. But even building up a dialogue not everyone becomes close, relationships are on all different levels, and some do seem to blow hot and cold sometimes...

What about your current relationships? Do you feel you have people who accept you and love you, also people you can talk to about mutual interests?

[pennyplant]

Hi Write,

I think I've spent much of my life operating under these 12 Self-Defeating Beliefs.  Written out like this, it is so obvious how counterproductive this thinking is.  I think even my parents operated under many of these beliefs and my husband's parents too.    Boy, it does help to see it written out like this.

I still have to wonder HOW it is that some families just do not think this way at all.  They seem to have 12 opposite beliefs.  I wonder how the belief systems get handed out to begin with.  Just generation after generation?  Or do certain time periods in history generate more families with self-defeating beliefs?  It just boggles my mind.

I suppose the source isn't important or discoverable but I do wonder about it.  I can think of people I've met with similar personalities to me and yet they believe in themselves and I haven't believed in myself for so long.  At least now I think it is true that I can LEARN to believe in myself.

Thanks for the list, Write.

Pennyplant

[moonlight52]

WRITE     The 12 self defeating beliefs and the 12 rational alternatives are a wonder so clear like the clearest pool of water thank you!
                Nice having such a smart neighbor in LALALAND   
                Love and Light
                Moon

[write]

look at the rest of the websit- it really is the best website for these ideas

http://www.rational.org.nz/public/BeliefsQuestionnaire/bel1.htm


eg.

Distorting reality: Seven ways to misinterpret what is happening

 We constantly interpret what goes on around us — what others do or say, events we observe, and things we read in the newspaper or see on TV. We also interpret things that have happened in the past, or which may happen in the future. In addition, we interpret our own actions, and even the physical sensations and emotional changes happening inside us.

By interpreting, I mean that we draw conclusions about what we think is happening. Sometimes our interpretations are correct, but often they are wrong.

Seven ways to get things wrong
Psychiatrist Aaron Beck has studied and listed the ways people can get things out of perspective. His research shows that our feelings are in proportion to how we describe events and situations, rather than to the actual intensity of those things themselves. The main ways in which we can misinterpret things that happen, adapted from Dr Beck’s list, are presented here.

Black-and-white thinking
People often see things in extremes, with no middle ground — good or bad, perfect versus useless, success or failure, right against wrong, moral versus immoral, and so on. By doing this, they miss the reality that things rarely are one way or the other but usually somewhere in-between. In other words, there are shades of grey. Another name for this distortion is all-or-nothing thinking. It involves self-talk like:

‘If it’s not perfect, then it’s useless.’
‘If you don’t love me, then you must hate me.’
‘Either I succeed, or I’m a total failure.’
‘If I mess up this part, I may as well give up the whole thing.’
Filtering
If you tend to see all the things that are wrong but ignore the positives, then you are filtering. Here are some examples:

‘I can’t see anything good about my situation.’
‘I don’t have any good points.’
‘There’s no hope.’
‘All I get is pain.’
Do you ever find yourself seeing all that’s going wrong in your life but ignoring the things that are going right? It’s easy to take the positives for granted because they are part of everyday life. What about, for instance, the fact that you are capable of reading this book? What other positives can you bring to mind that are so basic you wouldn’t normally be conscious of them?

Overgeneralising
People often build up one thing about themselves or their circumstances and end up thinking that it represents the whole situation or happens all the time, or is part of a never-ending pattern. For example:

‘Everything’s going wrong.’
‘Nothing I do ever turns out right.’
‘I’ll always be a failure.’
‘There’s no hope.’
Mind-reading
There are various ways in which we can jump to a conclusion without enough evidence. One of these is mind-reading — making guesses about what other people are thinking:

‘She ignored me on purpose.’
‘You don’t really love me.’
‘They think I’m boring.’
‘You’re only saying that because . . . ‘
Fortune-telling
Another way of jumping to a conclusion is to treat beliefs about the future as though they were realities rather than just predictions:

‘I’ll be depressed for ever.’
‘I’ll never get another job.’
‘Things can only get worse.’
Emotional reasoning
Yet another way to leap to a conclusion is to tell yourself that because you feel a certain way, this is how it really is:

‘I feel like a failure, so I must be one.’
‘If I’m angry, you must have done something to make me so.’
‘I wouldn’t be worrying if there wasn’t something to worry about.’
‘Because I feel unattractive, I must be.’
Emotional reasoning can, for example, keep you thinking anger is ‘justified’, sustain a vicious circle of self-downing, or make worrying feed on itself.

Personalising
You can also jump to a conclusion by thinking that something is directly connected with you:

‘Everyone is looking at me.’
‘That criticism was meant for me.’
‘It must have been me that made her feel bad.’
‘He didn’t return my greeting. What did I do?’
Personalising can make you feel self-conscious, guilty, or responsible for events you may not have caused — including other people’s problems and emotions.

Keeping in touch with reality
How can you stop distorting reality?

For a start, catch yourself doing it.  Know the cues to watch for: looking at things in extremes, only seeing negatives, building up the bad points in a situation (be it past, present or future), ‘reading’ other people’s minds, predicting the future, assuming that what you feel is reality, and relating everything back to yourself.
Watch especially for rigid thinking.  When you find yourself resisting other ways of viewing something, this could be a sign that you are locking yourself into a narrowed, distorted viewpoint.
Stop using words which exaggerate — like always, forever, totally, all, everything, everybody, nothing, nobody, never and the like.
Get things back into balance — by looking for the side of the picture you have been filtering out. Make a list, for example, of the positives and the negatives. If you cannot find both, you know you are distorting reality. Few things are either one way or the other — so keep listing.
Develop the habit of sticking to the facts — as far as you can unearth them. When you think you might be jumping to conclusions, ask yourself, ‘What evidence do I have for assuming this? Is it the most likely explanation for the facts available? Are there any others which may be just as valid?’
If you are worrying about something, rate the chances of it happening on a scale of, say, 0–100 per cent. Being this specific will help you clarify vague predictions.
Finally, if it is possible, check out your interpretation of something you are concerned about and see how it compares with reality.
Getting things back into perspective
Take a look at the list of typical distortions below. Alongside each, to show ‘in-perspective’ thinking, is a more realistic alternative.

Distorted thinking Realistic thinking
I’m a total failure. I failed this time.
Everything’s wrong. I’m facing some problems at present.
It’s got to be done perfectly or not at all. I’d prefer to get it just right, but less than perfect will do.
This is totally wrong. I disagree with some aspects of this.
She made me angry. I don’t like what she did, but I made myself angry by the way I viewed it.
She did it because she hates me. I don’t know why she did it. There’s more than one possible explanation.
Everyone will think I’m stupid. Some people may be critical of me.
I’ll never be happy again. Sure, things aren’t so good now. But how do I know what the future holds?
All I get is pain. I get a lot of pain. But there are also some good things that happen — if I’d only be prepared to notice them.

Sometimes it is hard to know for sure just what is going on. You won’t always have enough information to be certain. But it is important to at least recognise that there may be more than one way to interpret a given situation. By doing so you can avoid jumping to erroneous and possibly harmful conclusions.

That could be the best way to avoid distorting reality: retain a healthy scepticism about it.

[Grace888]

In your case Grace, if you have feelings of strong rejection, this could help you get to the bottom of why.

My rejection issue has a lot to do with my growing up years.

My high expectations of others have to do with my imagination.  I can take a little knowledge about a person and fill in the blanks with:  they must be so happy, so much fun, have a good home life, interesting things to do, manage their money better, raise their children better, and on and on.  I imagine that I can't measure up.  Then when this wonderful person isn't all that into me, I imagine what the logical reasons for this must be.  I'm no good, not fun enough, not  interesting enough, not attractive enough, and on and on.  Rejection!

I resonate much with what you said.

Grace and Truth! Thanks for this, it is very very wise.

Grace, truth, and hope.  They keep me trucking along.

It is all too easy for me to think that, "Aha, I finally get it!  Now, I know what I need to do.  This is it, it will work."  Just to find out from a real life situation debunking my newly discovered theory.  It is frustrating, discouraging, and disappointing for me to find out once again the conclusion I draw about myself is not accurate.  Yet, at the same time, I've learn something new from the experience.  And that is the redeeming quality that gives me hope to not give up in the process of learning and discovering. 

I feel that for me, it's great to learn all about things that have helped others through their struggles.  But for me, I come to believe that my problem is not lack of knowledge or resources I expose myself to, it is something else.  For me, as I see in myself, it is this distorted perception I have of others that leads to all kinds of emotional stuggles for me and holding me back from seeing myself and others clearly and thus irelating to people on a meaningful level.  At this point in my thinking, my mind is not fully convinced yet that others are not better off than me.  Intellectually, I know that no one is better than anyone else, they may appear that way.  This thought has not gotten down to my subconscious yet.  I believe that is the level that real permanent change starts to take place and solidifies.  I only start to feel inadequate about myself when I perceive the person I encounter have what I want 
and secretly wish for (confidence, assertiveness, poise, ability to connect with people, etc.)  It doesn't matter if the person is a stranger, acquiantance, or friend.  However, I don't feel this way( inadequate)  with people whom I perceive as not having what I want.  I want to learn how to see people for who they are, and learn to convince myself that they don't have what I need afterall. Nobody does. That there is no need to feel inadequate or threatened by them.  When I can see people as people, then I believe, I will no longer have a need to gain their approval or fear their rejection.  How do I learn to see people for who they are and not the illusion of what they can offer me to meet my needs?  I think if I can learn the correct techniques, I will reach a milestone in my life.

Has anything worked for anyone in this area?

[write]

What about your current friendships and relationships?
How do they feel? What is happening there?

You can't look at some smoke and mirrors future to exact change- only what currently is, and what is going or feeling wrong.

What exactly is happening in your life in the now?

[pennyplant]

At this point in my thinking, my mind is not fully convinced yet that others are not better off than me.  Intellectually, I know that no one is better than anyone else, they may appear that way.  This thought has not gotten down to my subconscious yet.  I believe that is the level that real permanent change starts to take place and solidifies.  I only start to feel inadequate about myself when I perceive the person I encounter have what I want 
and secretly wish for (confidence, assertiveness, poise, ability to connect with people, etc.)  It doesn't matter if the person is a stranger, acquiantance, or friend.  However, I don't feel this way( inadequate)  with people whom I perceive as not having what I want.  I want to learn how to see people for who they are, and learn to convince myself that they don't have what I need afterall. Nobody does. That there is no need to feel inadequate or threatened by them.  When I can see people as people, then I believe, I will no longer have a need to gain their approval or fear their rejection.  How do I learn to see people for who they are and not the illusion of what they can offer me to meet my needs?  I think if I can learn the correct techniques, I will reach a milestone in my life.

Has anything worked for anyone in this area?

Oh Grace, this is so me, it's scary.  This is exactly my pattern.

And this is where I'm at with it.  Even though I'm zeroing in on the other person when I feel this way, I believe the entire answer is within myself.  I believe that I need to see myself as a person and then the rest will follow.  I have been looking to others to supply what is either missing in me or, what is more likely, the parts of me that I have misplaced or submerged over the years.  I am the puzzle that needs solving.

This is no easier than finding out what the other people are really like.  I am just as mysterious to myself as if I were a stranger.  Just as confusing.

Techniques?  I foresee much trial and error.  Plus, I'm a little lazy.  So, some things I think I should be doing because I think I will learn important things about myself--well I'm not doing them yet.  For example, paying attention to my dreams; in fact, I should be writing them down.  Instead, I try to remember the most vivid events, characters, and colors and mull it over in the morning.  Journaling and then reading it back to myself over and over again.  I've been real lax on that lately.

The thing I am doing consistantly, however, is slowing way down and paying attention to how I feel when something happens that bothers me.  I have always been a very reactive, responsive person, making snap judgments and acting rashly.  That doesn't give anyone enough time to understand what process is motivating me.  It doesn't give me enough time to really know how I feel.  I am sure this sounds so basic and like kindergarten.  But I am completely serious.  I spent my entire childhood under stress and in survival mode.  Tense and alert all the time.  Trying to control my environment.  My feelings and opinions got submerged under all that.  If I don't go back to the beginning and learn my own feelings, then I might as well give it up and just keep acting out of habit.  And flying off the handle.  I want to discover me the way I finally learned to discover my children.  Once I discover me and am comfortable with me, then other people are next.

I am not isolating myself.  But I have shifted my gaze inward as much as possible without being completely self-preoccupied.

I don't want to compare any more.  I don't want to imagine any more.  I think I will probably still get hurt.  But it might not be so devastating once I know I am complete and can understand my own emotions and accept them.  At some point I will decide I am good enough and complete enough.

Grace, the other people here probably have a completely different take on this.  I am going in this direction because I believe that it is something I have fought against all my life and there must be a reason for that.  Plus, all the worrying and comparing just hasn't worked.  Fighting against jealousy based on my perceptions of others--I'd rather just get rid of jealousy in the first place.  If I'm satisfied with me and my life, then there won't be much reason for jealousy anymore.

I think this might be the opposite of what you asked for.  But I wanted to respond because your ideas are so familiar to me and, while I'm possibly going in a different direction than you, I think I'm operating from a similar point of view.  That is not something I run into very often!  It's kind of nice.

I would like to know what you think is working for you so far.

Pennyplant

[Hopalong]

Hi Grace,
I have a thought...just an intuition, subject to error.

I wonder if you might consider (you very likely may have already, but if you haven't...) throwing yourself into some core altruism at least once a week. And the sort where you are helping the neediest of the needy, such as helping the homeless by serving them meals at a soup kitchen (and sitting to eat with them), working in a battered women's shelter, tutoring (one on one) or mentoring a very poor child, serving as a CASA volunteer (not sure the intials are the same everywhere, but it's serving as a court advocate for an abused child...most communities train these volunteers), or helping regularlly on a Habitat for Humanity home...

I just have a feeling that engaged in a common service, a lot of the barriers might break down in you.

Side by side. Rejection issues tend to fade when you are drawn out of yourself in those kinds of activities...personal contact with the recipient/s is the most important thing for personal transformation (as opposed to stuffing envelopes, for example).

Hops

[portia guest]

secretly wish for (confidence, assertiveness, poise, ability to connect with people, etc.)

Concrete examples might help? Would you like to be: Hilary Clinton, Condy Rice, Sigourney Weaver, Joan Rivers, Martha whats-her-name Stewart? The over-confident home-making weirdo, her, disorder on a (very pretty) plate.

Mother Theresa probably had these qualities in bucket-loads?

The word ‘poise’ is interesting to me. What does it mean to you?   

What has worked for me is not seeing the veneer of a person’s image but being interested enough to find out about them, asking questions, or reading about them (biographies etc) and realising that….we’re pretty much all the same underneath. So much is surface image. The person who appears supremely confident can be seen fiddling with their jacket cuffs – a sure sign of nervousness (Tony Blair does this often). And if you find out about ‘successful’ people, what’s interesting is that their confidence and success can be driven by huge egos and zero self-worth. Over confidence = often gross insecurity I think. So many successful people are driven by deficiencies.


Write I’ve been thoroughly appreciating that website. Thanks! 

[reallyME]

Well, I'm answering the part about "secretly wish for"

I'm already like a Judge Judy, Hillary Clinton type of personality, so I'd have to say that I'm working toward being more benevolent, kind, merciful, like a Mother Theresa sort of person who somene who is more gentle-spirited than I am.  My first tendency is to be tough, in-yer-face, stand-my-ground, and thankfully, my spiritual Mom (mentor), is helping to balance me in that...she is a true example of meekness, and a sweet, kind, forgiving, gentle spirit.

In my family, "meekness= weakness"  My bio father was seen as weak because he was so kind to everyone, whereas my bio mother is considered successful because she is a "go-getter" type of person.

I just realized that!  Wow, thanks for this topic.  I love new revelations

ReallyME
Laura

[Grace888]

Concrete examples might help? Would you like to be: Hilary Clinton, Condy Rice, Sigourney Weaver, Joan Rivers, Martha whats-her-name Stewart? The over-confident home-making weirdo, her, disorder on a (very pretty) plate.

I luv your description of Martha Stewart.  It gave me a good chuckle.

The word ‘poise’ is interesting to me. What does it mean to you?   

What I mean by poise is the ability to stay calm, confident and resolute in the midst of emotional triggers.

throwing yourself into some core altruism at least once a week.

Recently, I've started volunteering on a weekly basis as an ESL tutor.

This is no easier than finding out what the other people are really like.  I am just as mysterious to myself as if I were a stranger.  Just as confusing.

Boy, I too, feel mysterious and many times a stranger to my own feelings and what's going on inside my head.  I think I feel a stranger to myself to a certain degree b/c when I was growing up I felt ashame of my own unhappy feelings, emotional needs and desires.  I never went to anyone for help or talk about it b/c of this shame I felt.

The thing I am doing consistantly, however, is slowing way down and paying attention to how I feel when something happens that bothers me.  I have always been a very reactive, responsive person, making snap judgments and acting rashly.  That doesn't give anyone enough time to understand what process is motivating me.  It doesn't give me enough time to really know how I feel.  I am sure this sounds so basic and like kindergarten.  But I am completely serious.  I spent my entire childhood under stress and in survival mode.  Tense and alert all the time.  Trying to control my environment.  My feelings and opinions got submerged under all that.  If I don't go back to the beginning and learn my own feelings, then I might as well give it up and just keep acting out of habit.  And flying off the handle.  I want to discover me the way I finally learned to discover my children.  Once I discover me and am comfortable with me, then other people are next.

Sometimes, I also find myself to be very reactive, respond before weighing my thoughts carefully.  I usually regret doing that at the end of the night, but I still find myself doing that.

I am going in this direction because I believe that it is something I have fought against all my life and there must be a reason for that.  Plus, all the worrying and comparing just hasn't worked.  Fighting against jealousy based on my perceptions of others--I'd rather just get rid of jealousy in the first place.  If I'm satisfied with me and my life, then there won't be much reason for jealousy anymore.

I feel like I have a veil over my face everytime I meet a new day.  This veil prevents me from seeing myself and others clearly.


But I wanted to respond because your ideas are so familiar to me and, while I'm possibly going in a different direction than you, I think I'm operating from a similar point of view.  That is not something I run into very often!  It's kind of nice.


Most of the things you've shared about yourself are very familiar to me as well.  I don't feel so alone with my thoughts and experiences.  Thank you!!!

I would like to know what you think is working for you so far.

What is working for me so far is having a forum where I can write my thoughts and be heard. Having a forum that allows me to roam freely with my thought process and build upon them really helps a lot.  Getting feedbacks is a double blessing for me.  Making myself do things I normally wouldn't do helps me push the envelope.  It is one of my goals to find a mentor who would be willing to come alongside of me and offer me new perspective on things.  Perhaps the guy I met would be a good candidate.  That would be such a wonderful gift for me.  I like your idea of writing down descriptions of your dreams soon after.  I normally don't remember my dreams, they are commonly insignificant and not the least vivid.

What about your current friendships and relationships?
How do they feel? What is happening there?

I am operating on a safe level with them.  There's not much going on there.  I think all my life I've operated on a very safe level.  That doesn't get me very far.

[write]

That doesn't get me very far.

where would you like to go?

The over-confident home-making weirdo

*snicker*

I loathe over-confidence too. Thank goodness the meek shall inherit the earth!

[write]

ps without being too poliical I wouldn't want to be remembered as a Mother Theresa- her life of self-sacrifice was noble and I'm sure she acted out of love and good intention, but she said some very judgemental unpleasant things, such as abortion is murder, even after the mass rapes and subsequent pregnancies in the Bangladeshi war; and despite the overpopulation of Calcutta would accept no birth control. She believed in the one true Catholic Faith and sanctioned payments from poor communities going to the Vatican...when I look at someone like Mother Theresa I am struck by the fact that she has impacted poverty in India so marginally given the immense local and world influence she might have had to change things.