Is this N behavior

[anony123]

I have read that N's have an inflated sense of entitlement and 'use' others to gain advantages without regard for the other person's rights or feelings -
Is the following N behavior or just self-centerness OR' Princess' stuff.

MY G/F of 5months(we are in a' kind of' relationship) called me three weeks ago on Friday 4pm to go help her buy some dance shoes. So she picks me up at my place and we travel all across town to the mall and buy her shoes. She drives me home later and I ask her if she wants to go out tomorrow night. She stumbles and fumbles and says,"I don't know. Maybe if my son is OK by himself at home. He (17 year old) is playing football till late tomorrow afterrnoon and after the game there will be presentations ...etc".   So I say Ok .
She then calls me Saturday at noon and says," I don't think that I will go out tonight ,I have nothing to wear." I am disappointed and so I call up another lady FRIEND and we agree to hang out at a club. I am getting dressed at about 7pm and my cell rings and I see my G/F's name in the little screen. I just knew that she had changed her mind and now was probably expecting me to go pick her up and take her out. Oops!   So I do not pick up and then she sends two more texts and I do not open them . I figure that she is unreasonable calling me at 7 or a date . She had all day to get herself ready.
So I go and have a nice time with my lady FRIEND. I meetmy G/F for coffee the next morning and she is mighty PISSED. Cold as a statue. She is ranting about me ignoring her and not answering and so on. I point out that she had all Saturday to get ready for a date and calling me at 7pm is taking me for granted and disrespectful.She argues that we are in relationship and I have to make her a priority and that she does not see disrespect in what she did. SHe is still angry after three weeks and now wants to be "just friends " . We are civil at the moment and she calls me if I do not text her every day. She sees me as always the 'bad guy' and she sees herself as "Princess Perfect sprinkling fairy dust all around. "
High maintenance babe!!

[anony123]

Thanks for your post Bean,however you are way ahead of me here, I firstly wanted some opinions about the story I posted and whether you all had any thoughts about my behavior Vs her behavior.
A few opinions from you folks would help because I suspect that this relationship is far from over and I need to ultimately decide whether she is worthwhile persisting with. I am very drawn to her BUT also annoyed by her actions. I suspect that she will re-approach me in the next week because that is her pattern.
My real confusiion is about how we get into such uproar and turmoli. She is very passive and compliant in many ways but I am endlessly on edge and unsettled aroiund her . SHe likes to keep things open and flexible (when it suits her) but claims that she hates surprises !!
Does anyone know how sweet, passive, avoidant ,dependent women cause constant or continuous drama. I need someone to fill me in on this. i am exhausted and quite shaky.

[Brigid]

Welcome anony,

Does anyone know how sweet, passive, avoidant ,dependent women cause constant or continuous drama. I need someone to fill me in on this. i am exhausted and quite shaky.

Aside from the "sweet" part, I think the three other traits could most certainly cause constant drama.  I would say from your discussion, that she is a woman who lacks self-esteem and confidence.  I think she will continue to push you away and reel you back in as she is not confident enough to know what she wants. 

Personally, I wouldn't think this is what you would seek in a partner.  If she is this up and down at this stage of the relationship, I don't think it will do anything but get worse as you become more involved.  A good relationship should be fun, provide security (not loads of insecurity), and relaxed.  It should be exhilerating, not exhausting.  What is the upside for you?

Brigid

[Hops]

Hi, Anony...(you can give yourself a name, anytime!) 

One thing I've noticed, in myself and in others, and have finally realized is a flag in itself. When there are all sorts of facts about another person I'm interested in, they are important, and trying to quiz out the other facts, or add up what the facts about that person mean, is important too.

However, the part that to me is much MORE important than sussing out all their issues is the part I would tend to brush aside, dismiss, or figure it was my problem and something I needed to correct in myself, rather than to respect. Unless you have a chronic anxiety disorder, you have all the evidence you need, I think, to make a healthy decision. The evidence is your own intuition and your body/spirit's attempts to communicate with you. All you have to decide is whether your own inner voice matters, or is worth listening to. It's saying:

I am endlessly on edge and unsettled aroiund her....exhausted and quite shaky.

See what I mean?

Hopalong

[Certain Hope]

Hello, Anony, and Welcome

In reading the bit that you've posted about this woman, she does not sound "N" to me. Many people demonstrate by their words and actions that they are self-involved and self-centered to the point that a truly meaningful and intimate relationship with a significant other is prohibited. From reading you, I get the sense that you may be putting the proverbial ball too much into her court and not taking a proactive enough approach in this relationship. Just my impression Personally, I appreciate a man who won't put up with nonsense and is willing to set the trend, clearly stating his preferences and his boundary lines re: what sorts of behavior will be tolerated. Instead of focusing so much on her and what her issues might be, you might want to take some time apart to clearly delineate for yourself what it is YOU want/need/ desire in a relationship and then honestly communicate that to this person who has obviously made quite an impact on you. That's my 2 cents

Hope

[anony123]

Thank you so far,
Would one(or some of you please comment on my story about the Saturday night date fiasco,. That event is a MAJOR stumbling block for both of us . Any future discussions that i have with this lady will be held with this event circling in the back of both our minds . She is adamant that I behaved in a selfish and rejecting way, and I have the view that she is demonstrating self-centered  entitlement,"I am entitled to see you when it is convenient to ME and I expect you to attend to me when I say."
Any ideas on this ladies?(or and gentlemans'sopinion would also be welcome)

I also have a rather immature habit of withdrawing into my cave when I am upset or annoyed. We have separated 4 times and the longest of these was two and a half weeks . I gave her the "silent treatment " and then she re-approached me eventually BUT she iremains very hurt by my retreat. "How could you just not speak to me for almost three weeks ." I have tried to make amends foir this but her resentment lingers.

[Brigid]

anony,
I will tell you what I think of that specific event, but in the total scheme of things, it is rather insignificant when you view the relationship in its entirety.

I think you were justified in that case to make other plans and she was being very disrespectful to expect you to be willing to change your plans to suit her whims.  That being said, it sounds like both of you are behaving immaturely in the relationship by not being able to discuss issues directly and find solutions to problems without a lot of angst and pouting.

It appears as though you are trying to "win" this round so you can throw it back at her.  The two of you are playing a game and no one is going to win.  If you can't stay together for more than 2 months at a time, how can you think this is a relationship worth saving?  I think you need to go back and read some of your own real concerns about this woman, the relationship and your addiction to her.  Who was in the right or wrong on Saturday night is not the real issue here.

Brigid

[Hopalong]

Four breakups.
You dating another. "MY G/F of 5months(we are in a' kind of' relationship)..."

She hurt, accusing.
You annoyed, stressed.

For what it's worth, if you can work 4 breakups into a 5-month relationship then it never was officially ended, just consuming itself. And even if she was wrong to take you for granted that Saturday, imho going out with another woman was payback.

Personally, I would have been deeply hurt.

More importantly, the level of drama sounds toxic and hurtful to you both...I'm not sure what you'd gain by having an adjudication on who was "right" or "wrong" that Saturday. I have no answer on that.

My question, if you also tend to retreat and stop speaking to your gf for long stretches, is: are you sure you're ready for an intimate relationship? In honesty, it does not sound like it to me. Maybe there are undealt-with issues from your early years, likely about your mother, that are being played out now?

IOW, the definitions of things (kind of in "a relationship", whose behavior was "worst") -- don't matter as much as the feel of things. And the consequences of things.

Have you ever considered getting some advice from a wise therapist about why your relationship is so tumultuous? I'm sure part of the reason is within the woman. You can't do much about that. But what about the part that's within you...want to tackle it?

I am guessing that you're relatively young. (Forgive me if I'm wrong.) If so, I can say that you would be so so very glad in future years if you dig into these issues and try to get help sorting them out now, rather than when you're in your 40s or 50s and broken hearted from divorce/s.

Hopalong

[anony123]

This is exhausting ladies. My 'g/f 'is back to contacting me via cell,text and email . I did not contact her for a day and a half so she calls me.Just chat stuff so I guess that this deal needs me to define and be clear about what I want .
She called yesterday and I mentioned (firm voice) that I am "re-settiing my boundaries. What I will and won't do in future."  She replied "Oh, I expected a much friendlier reception that that."

Later she text me "I have re-read you last two emails ."

What does this women expect? I guess that i need to take the lead here . Maybe tomorrow when I get out of this swirl.

Jack

[anony123]

Not listening ?? - make it clearer PLEASE.

[Hopalong]

Nony,

Every person who responded to you asked you questions. You didn't seem to notice.
Here's what I'd suggest if you want to take fullest advantage of the help here:

--re-read each post slowly and carefully. Just answer one person at a time and take your time. Look at each individual question, and think about it for a while. Sit with it. Let it really roll around your brain. Take note of what comes up in you. Follow your thoughts but go back to the first thought if you find yourself fleeing or fast-forwarding, or obsessing about her again.

Answer each one. (This sounds bossy but of course it's up to you!)

I think all of the questions are about you. Not her. Because that's where the power is.

(I bet you are exhausted. It sounds like a draining roller coaster.)

Hops
 

[sleepyhead]

Is this N behaviour? Impossible to say if one instance is N or not, and I would be extremely cautious in calling anyone N without knowing more than this. Self-centrered? Perhaps, if her intentions and motives are what you interpreted them to be. But I have to say that I thought your behaviour was rude as well. Why not answer her calls? You say she accuses you of ignoring her, well... you did, didn't you? Why not answer the phone and when she asks to go out with you simply say: "Sorry, since you didn't know if you could make it, I made other plans." Two wrongs don't make a right, and I know the feeling of payback can be delicios, but it really doesn't help anything. (I say that now, I just have to remember it until the next time me and my fiancé are arguing... ).