Misbehavin' Matter

[Its_a_changin]

This may be my fault.  I do think I possess some traits of an N and here is why.  Last weekend, my bf's mother bought a few gifts from qvc for his brother's gf who was visiting on Sunday for her belated birthday.  This mother as described by my bf has a lot of love to give to everyone and is always chatty.  The theme was about faeries b/c the gf collects faeries.  The mother also got a card with faeries on them.  I felt down all of a sudden when she showed us what she gotten for the girl.  She decorated the dining room and cooked things the girl liked.  She talks more about the girl too on what else she likes and enjoys.  She also likes to buy things for others if they collect items for a hobby.  Somehow I felt jealous of this girl.  And it's weird for my bf to talk about her each time his mother calls and then lets me know what is going on.  So, when Sunday came and the small party was started, she was pretty friendly when she introduced herself and then off they go into the dining room where the bf's parents are.  I did not like how she wore this short skirt and wedged shoes.  I also did not like her donkey sound laugh .  Sorry to be harsh but it pricked on my nerves.  My bf & I were in the other living room (there's 2) next to the kitchen and within earshot of the dining room.  He kept asking me if we can go join them.  I said I was nervous and uncomfortable and whispered that I don't want to be near a skank with a donkey laugh.  That was harsh of me I know!  They may have heard b/c it became all of a sudden quiet but there were other sounds like the HDTV going on in that room, so I didn't see them mention it to me later on.  While we were sitting on the couch, the mother walked by us and said "I love her laugh" and went to the bathroom.  I stared straight ahead and ignored her.  I think I felt like a child inside and was about to cry like a baby, so I bolted from the room and went upstairs to a room where we stayed and almost slammed the door.  I started to cry quietly and was thinking how I may be an N all of this.  My bf came up and asked me what's wrong and I said nothing at first b/c I was too ashamed & embarassed of my behavior.  With an absent mother & father figure who was around but never there to comfort me, I felt like I want to be left alone to weep my insanity.  After some minutes go by, I admitted I had a problem with his mother giving so much attention to this girl.  Yes she had every right to.  I admit I did not have the right to control what she does, what she gives, what she says, etc.  I did not admit all of that to my bf until an hour went by.  I was really ashamed of some of the N traits.  He kept saying it was OK to cry.  Then his mother knocked on the door and asked him if she can talk to me.  I told him I did not feel good to and so refused.  After my admitting, he talked to me about how his mother has a lot of love to give to everyone and have spent hundreds of dollars on me already and I should be thankful for that.  If we didn't go to the Mandarin Oriental to celebrate my bday at a fancy restaurant, than his mother would have bought things and decorated her home and celebrate my bday there.  I don't always remember what has been given to me b/c I probably thought too much of myself with anxiety and all and have a bad memory of it.  She even let me live at their house for six months one year where it was chaotic at my home, where my family was being N to me and kept threatening I should have died and not been born.  So, I felt guilty throughout the weekend and did not apologize anything to the mother.  Bf said it's OK not to and to keep making changes for my behavior for the better.  I did feel guilty afterwards and b/c of my lack of some sensitivity and feeling, I was thinking too hard on not accepting what was going on for them. Probably would be harsh to ask why the mother and bf always talk about them in front of me.  I used to have a spiritual mother until I left our relationship b/c of the way she imposed beliefs on me, telling me certain things to do, abandon a nursing career, etc.  Not sure if I need another.  BUT I really want to take care of my emotional well-being and it's hard to accept myself, problems and all.

[moonlight52]

Hi  I really think you understand a lot about the whole situation and what to do about it ,also why it happen.Thats so much to understand at a young age .I do not see any N behavior on your part.You seem sensitive and then when you thought you had hurt feelings you felt bad .N's do not do that.So from what I see you understand a lot at a young age.
Do not be so hard on yourself.
Moonlight

[reallyME]

I didn't see one bit of N behavior in you, even with the jealousy.  I would have felt the same way had I been in your position.  N's would most likely not even recognize their feelings of jealousy nor resentment.  They believe they are all-perfect and all-deserving, but they would never likely even be concerned that they were an N.  That would tarnish their image.

[Its_a_changin]

  Thanks so much for understanding ya'll.  I really appreciate it b/c I sometimes don't trust myself being the worst enemy of negativity.  I had another episode where my bf thought I was N saying I'm taking away all his play time so I work on skills for a nursing exam.  I think I was a little N! I had a bad attitude and was irritated at the way he is sometimes too lazy to move (he had a chronic illness before and that made him pretty fatigued at times especially with stress).  I have lost my patience at times and called him names (not good!).  Even if I had to ask him a fewl times, he'll just say "I want to play some TFC and work on the skills another day."  Sometimes I expect him to remind me  to practice and had explained how important the exam is to me and it's not the same that he does better on exams and I don't.  For big exams, I study a week or so before not on the day of the exam.  And if I was anal about it, he'll go into depressed mode and not do anything for me.  I am a procrastinator sometimes and will practice skills at odd times .  He thinks that is the problem that I need to plan things accordingly, not force it. 

[MarisaML]

And another big difference between you and N's is 'Self-Awareness'.  They seem to have NONE.  I don't know how old you are I'm assuming...late teens or early twenties?  Well, anyways i'm 29.  And I can look back 9 or 10 years and see where I would have had the same tendencies.  Of course, you're mixed up a bit because of your parents.  Give yourself a break.  When you make mistakes, own up to them.  Make apologies.  And learn from them.  That's what makes a person grow.  I have made an abundance of mistakes in my life but that is what made me who I am today.  And hopefully I will be a better person then I am now in 10 more years.  Try to be more forgiving of yourself.. you seem like you are a really good person at heart.

[Its_a_changin]

I'm 23  .  Thank you for your nice comment, Marisa.  I am pleased to see you and everyone have made so much progress and I hope to do the same. 

I think when the N family stunted my emotional growth, I do think at times I sound like a teenie either I speak or write it.  I say a lot of what I feel when I am angry or remember something dramatic.  I will try forgiving.  It isn't always easy and neither is moving on.  I feel haunted & traumatized and have that "all or nothing" thinking pattern (negative thinking of black & white things & some obsession).  I start to journal one day and then stopped.  Could probably try writing a letter to myself and a letter to all the N's and then burn them in the fireplace.  The N family can't even learn from mistakes, "I like to have it my way and if you can't accept it, than so be it, you [bleep] and the boss was [bleep] idiot." They also obsess over and over for many days, months, years and come back to the same thing like the problem is such a big deal (small or big).

[Plucky]

Hello It's,
I can understand your feelings.  I feel for you.  And at your age I am sure I would have done something smiliar.  (and I did!)
Now it is important that you not let your behaviour stand.  Go right to your bf's mother and apologise. Admit what you know now.  That you were jealous and that you are ashamed of your behaviour.  Talk to the brother's gf too.

Everyone makes mistakes, but not everyone corrects them.    This is an opportunity to relieve the guilt you feel and become closer with the people you lashed out at.

And, there might be something to them seeming to talk about the other gf a lot.  And there may be nothing to it but your own pre-wiring to feel left out and undesired.  I would let it go for now and just try to restore your relationships with these people who seem to be very important to you.

This is advice I really wish I had had when I was young.

Plucky

[pennyplant]

Hi its_a_changin,

I missed this thread until today.  I too have done very similar things and had very similar feelings, especially when I was in my twenties.  Also had trouble with speaking about it when that might actually have made things better.  It was good to tell your boyfriend though and I'm glad he showed loyalty and support to you.

It would be good, when you feel calm enough, to approach bf's mother and explain that your feelings overwhelmed you, it triggered things from the past, and you wish..... or you're sorry that .....  It will take a load off your mind and heart.  Think ahead of time what to say, something that you can say with confidence.  Then you won't have to feel awkward each time you see her.

I am one who has the knack for saying something mean or unflattering about someone and then, there they are, right behind me and heard every word.  Oh, that is such a bad habit of mine.  I'm working on that one.

It is very good that you see how things are and where your feelings come from.  That will help you learn and grow from your experiences.

Pennyplant

[Sheela]

Dear It's a changin,

Welcome! IMay I say that you like so many of us everywhere have come up from a dysfunctional family that made you needy!
Me too! Your self-esteem is wounded, but it sounds like you are deeply aware of your motivations,
and how they are directed at finding reassurance.

Since you are young, this is the time of life to sort such a thing out , by asking yourself questions.
You are very brave and honest, to want the kind of answers that you seek.
The N's in my life didn't have your desperate awareness. I wish they had!

May I suggest that you consider counseling?
 
Trust me, I am old enough to say that it is OKAY to want reassurance and love.
We were born to be loved. So was everybody else.

It doesn't sound like you have received enough affirmation (who did?).
Now you are grown up and intelligent enough to find it your way to happier times  . . .
by developing a reaffiming lifestyle and possibly using a counselor to help you head
in the direction that you want to go even if that direction is only an emotional one.

As the great philosophers said, "the greatest prison is the self . . ."

Start developing a reasonable way to see your own goodness and strength
believe that you are loveable and deserve love (YOU ARE, YOU DO) . . .
that way you won't feel needy when someone else gets affirmation,
you will enjoy it and celebrate it (that is how we share in someone else's good strokes).

Best of luck,  I think by asking this question you probably had a very important personal
breakthrough in your ability to self-accept without being vain.

Wow. That's huge.

Hugz

sheela