Author Topic: Hi. New to the board.  (Read 1976 times)

IamNewtoMe

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Hi. New to the board.
« on: May 25, 2006, 04:07:26 PM »
Hi.  I am new here.  I have never posted on a message board before.  I am afraid to have a voice, I think.  I am afraid you all won’t like what I say.  Maybe you will ignore me; maybe I will make you mad, you will think I’m an idiot.  I think my username is stupid and self-absorbed. 

I think to myeslf– I am an idiot, I am self-absorbed.  I shouldn’t be doing this.  I’m not going to be able to do it right.  My perceived problems are miniscule compared to many other people’s problems. I use “I” too much.  etc. etc.

But my therapist says I should indulge in myself for a while, that I will feel that I am being selfish, but that I am not. 

I am impressed by how you all (people on this board) are so brave in expressing yourselves.  Your posts have already helped me a lot. Even with conflict on this board, I can tell that you are all working hard, trying to be kind to yourselves and others.  You inspire me.  So here I am.

I have been in therapy for a few months now.  I went in with a long list of things I wanted to work on:
relationships with other people
a lack of self confidence
trouble completing certain life goals, etc.

This was the short version of the list.  Even my therapist seemed a little overwhelmed at what I wanted to accomplish.  Or maybe I just imagined it.

I knew I needed to work on myself a lot, but all the issues seemed unrelated.  Then two weeks ago, my therapist suggested my mom might be a Narcissist.  I started searching online, read a couple books on it, felt overwhelmed.  Every interaction with my mom and every childhood memory suddenly made sense. 

She never hit me or called me bad names. Sometimes she said she loved me.  So, I thought I was crazy for feeling abused and unloved.  She even claimed to be proud of me at times, but she gritted her teeth when she said it.  I knew it was a lie.  My brother was the Golden Child, and I was only mediocre at best.

She was a model mother around other people.  I enjoyed it when she got a new boyfriend (which she did often), because she would coo and smile at my brother and me when the boyfriend was looking.  She would praise our accomplishments, but I think it was only aggrandize herself.

Behind closed doors, she really didn’t give much physical affection.  I asked her once if I could cuddle in her lap in the rocking chair.  “No,” she said, “It’s too hot”.  [she lets our an aggravated sigh].  “Well, ok, just for a minute, though, cause it’s too hot.”  And I thought to myself “Yes, it is hot in here, I shouldn’t have asked, I am selfish”.  She held me for a minute and then told me to get off her lap, that was enough cuddling.  As I crawled down, I was ashamed.

She liked to show me off.  She didn’t think I was particularly intelligent (not like my brother), but she thought I was cute.  She encouraged me to wear clothes a little bit tighter, a little more see-through.  Now I am afraid to wear anything but oversized clothes.

She bragged about her own sexual conquests and still does.  I was her audience and her best friend (her friends seem to come and go).  I ate with her, and dieted with her as her weight went up and down. She got mad at me for having food around when she was on a diet.  We were great friends when she broke with her diet; she laughed at how naughty we were together, eating ice cream.  She loved me with food and gifts, but not with unconditional love. 

She never told me what she wanted.  I had to guess, pay close attention to her moods, her sighs, her knit eyebrows. It seems she never looked at me in the eye, and when she did, she was angry.  I learned not to look anyone in the eye. 

I was very empathetic.  I took care of her needs.  I felt guilty if I didn’t.  She worked two jobs; she claimed that she did it for my brother and me, so we could have nice things, live in a nice neighborhood, go to a good school district.  How dare I complain?  I felt ungrateful and selfish. 

She was always tired, and needed me to take care of her.  I fixed her drinks. 
She said, “Fix me a drink, bourbon on the rocks” (she never said please). 
One time I risked her anger and joked, “What am I, your servant?”
Much to my relief, she merely laughed nastily and said,
“Yes, of course, why do you think I had kids in the first place?”

I was (and still am) ashamed that I did not have more compassion for her.  She must be so unhappy to be like this.  Instead of hating her, I should love her more.  I have never done or been enough.  I can't.  I am inadequate.

After she got home from work, she made me massage her legs.  It was disgusting and degrading and I hated it.  I hated myself for hating it. I was so ungrateful and selfish. She never said these things, but it was implied.  I believed it then, and sometimes I believe it now.

I never got to express my emotions.  I never remember expressing anger – that was not allowed at all.  I did cry a lot, which she usually just ignored.  But sometimes she would get aggravated, and say, “Stop that crying!  Stop it right now!”  She looked disgusted with me.  I was disgusted with myself. 

I took on her emotions, because she wouldn’t let me have my own.  Even now I joke with my husband that I am like emotional tofu. I just absorb the emotions of everyone around me, especially sadness.  I can’t watch the news or see sad movies, or witness parents treating their child with anything less than 100% kindness and love. These things set me off.  I cry and cry.  I read the postings on this board; I feel your pain and I cry for you. 

Having said this, I have to clarify that I don’t really cry all the time.  I have tried to find a balance between expressing my emotions and getting completely enmeshed.  I avoid sad movies and sensationalized new stories, but I want to participate in this board if I can.

I try to focus on the good things in my life.  Some of these are: my husband and daughter, my in-laws, a few close friends, finding a good therapist and finding validation reading about others’ struggles with finding their voices.  I am trying to learn how to look people in the eye.  I am not sure if people want to hear what I say, but I hope I can be ok with it either way.

I now realize than I can distance myself from my narcissistic mother and that I don’t have to feel guilty about it. I can get back the things she stole from me.  I hope I can quiet the nasty voices (both hers and mine) inside my head and start saying some nice things to myself.  Even though I feel like an empty shell, I know there must be a person in here somewhere.

Sorry this is so long, but I had to get it out of my head.

Thanks for reading.

portia guest

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Re: Hi. New to the board.
« Reply #1 on: May 25, 2006, 04:24:46 PM »
Iamnewtome - what a great name I thought when I saw you, I feel like that (new to me) a lot these days, you're not alone.

Welcome and hope you feel good for posting? Lots to read in there, good!

I hope to read carefully later. Just wanted to say hi and welcome.  :)

portia

Healing&Hopeful

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Re: Hi. New to the board.
« Reply #2 on: May 25, 2006, 04:29:58 PM »
Hiya Iamnewtome,

Welcome to the board and thank you for posting.... I am so sorry that you didn't have the mum you deserve, that you didn't have a mum to love you unconditionally.  

I am pleased as you sound like you have a good helpful therapist, and I'm glad you look for the good things in your life.

I was (and still am) ashamed that I did not have more compassion for her.  She must be so unhappy to be like this.
Maybe she is so unhappy, but maybe she doesn't know any different, can't imagine things any different?  If you did have more compassion what would it achieve?  Would it really change anything, or would she just be taking more of your compassion, your love?  What do you really have to feel guilty about?  Guilty because you couldn't meet your mum's needs because your mum's needs are a bottomless pit and you will never reach the bottom, never make her happy? Sorry, I know this sounds harsh!  Please don't feel that you have to answer these questions, but felt they may give you so food for thought.

You may feel like an empty shell, but I can already see the caring, loving person you are and certainly don't find you selfish and self absorbed.  I think that when dealing with N's everything is about them... we get so used to everything being about the other person that we lose sight of ourselves.  I feel that now is the time for you.

Take care

H&H xx
Here's a little hug for u
To make you smilie while ur feeling blue
To make u happy if you're sad
To let u know, life ain't so bad
Now I've given a hug to u
Somehow, I feel better too!
Hugs r better when u share
So pass one on & show u care

Hopalong

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Re: Hi. New to the board.
« Reply #3 on: May 25, 2006, 05:52:54 PM »
Welcome, NewtoMe,

Two things jump out:

Your deep sadness (and compassion).
Your wonderful writing--it's obvious there is a person in there.

I hope here you find the support and strength you need to turn compassion onto yourself. I do feel you sound very depressed, and hope you are finding support and treatment for it in your world too.

What an lovely thing it would be to see your intelligence and talent turned into happiness and self-respect. You deserve them.

Hopalong

"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

ANewSheriff

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Re: Hi. New to the board.
« Reply #4 on: May 25, 2006, 10:07:58 PM »
IAmNewToMe,

Well, you have left me speechless.  The heartache and pain you have carried for so long must have been stifling.  There were so many pieces of your story that touched my heart.  I am very, very glad you have found your way here.

I am really proud that you took the initiative and found a therapist.  You sound motivated and ready for change.  I bet you make leaps and bounds of progress because you desire to do so.

I like your "handle", by the way.  IAmNewToMe.  Sounds very appropriate for what you have gone through and the journey you are embarking on.

As far as old messages go - they are tough.  We only know what we know, eh?  We often play 8-tracks when we should be listening to CD's.  I think most people have those old tapes triggered from time to time.  The best I have come up with is that these tracks, although convincing, have no real relevance for me today.  Those were designed to intimidate and control a little girl who had no defenses.  I most certainly have some today.

A great, big, heartfelt welcome to you.  I am very glad you are here and I hope you stay for awhile.

ANewSheriff

Change the way you see the world and you will change the world.

mum

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Re: Hi. New to the board.
« Reply #5 on: May 26, 2006, 12:15:35 AM »
Welcome. I found your post extremely moving. I heard your voice, and it is clear and beautiful. Welcome fellow traveler!!!
You have taken some enormous strides in your healing. Bless you
Mum

Hopalong

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Re: Hi. New to the board.
« Reply #6 on: May 26, 2006, 02:45:33 PM »
Hi N2Me,
Quote
I am happier now that I have said these things and "owned" my emotions, at least starting to.  I don't know if that makes any sense.

It makes total sense to me!

(I think slipping squash bits to a toddler is evil oh, say, in the way that feeding a child what it needs to be healthy is evil.... :D) IMHO, toddlers are not supposed to be in charge of their food, just given healthy things to eat, a few choices but not at every meal. I knew a woman who fixed 5 different dinners every night for her 5 children because one didn't eat this, another didn't like that...aaarrgghh!

You do give yourself a hard time.... It's great to hear you're determined to get out of that.

Hopalong
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

ANewSheriff

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Re: Hi. New to the board.
« Reply #7 on: May 27, 2006, 10:21:50 AM »
IamNewtobeMe:
Quote
I look to kind people to see how they raise their kids, so I learn what is normal and healthy in terms of parenting. As insecure as I am about my mothering skills, I love that learning process.   Nurturing myself seems much harder.

You are not alone.  I faced (face) this challenge, too.  God took good care of me and I married into a large, sound, safe, and loving family.  I have lots of sister-in-laws and a mother-in-law who has stepped up and been there (when my selfish mother was too self-absorbed to do so) for everything - from helping me with my wedding to holding my hands during contractions coming to help me with my babies when they were little.  My sister-in-laws are some of my best friends. 

As you have, I have looked to these people for guidance and direction.  Still, there are times I still get stuck and do not know how to go about something.  In these cases, I just do the direct opposite of what I was exposed to.  Now, I am not saying I am going to win any awards for motherhood, but I am trying to break the chains of dysfunction.  My kids will probably be sitting in a therapist's office someday, too.  The difference is that I will be there for them.  I will own what I did wrong, the needs I didn't meet for them, and allow them a voice and their own feelings and experience.  I will pledge to make a "living amends" to them rather than an, "I'm sorry.  What do you want me to do?  I can't change the past." 

l think you are probably doing a great job, IamNewtobeMe, because you desire to to better.  Intention is a powerful thing.

ANewSheriff     
Change the way you see the world and you will change the world.