Just Me...

[spyralle]

Hello everyone,

I haven't been here for a while because my hard drive was corrupted, so I've been trying to get along out there by myself.  I also had to give up therapy because I changed my job and couldn't get to where it was. 

For those of you who know my story, you know that I was struggling with the fact that I had started to see a hippie kind of guy and was trying to understand the relationship.  he was very nice to me and initially I thought that i might have managed to do something different and be with someone 'nice'...  as time has gone on though I have found it increasingly difficult to stay in the relationship.  Everytime I see him I get a twisted knot in my stomach and I was finding it more and more difficult to have any physical contact with him.  Last weekend he came over to my house and stayed the night.  In the morning he was trying to force his head up under my arm in order that I hug him, and started to climb all over me (not in a sexual way) trying to look into my eyes.  I have become more and more locked inside myself and feel more and more manipulated.  I am also feeling this is my fault and that I am just a horrible person, who is unable to give love to a nice guy.

I am unable to go out other than to go to work, where I guess I am playing a role.  I have a pretty high profile job and it feels like someone else who looks like me is doing it.  Sorry if this sounds like a load of bable but I just have to empty these thoughts out of my head, to people who I know will listen. 

I want to change my life.  I want to move out of this house, but first I have to decorate it and I have no energy.  In fact I have no energy to do amything.  i have ended the relationship I was in today.   He clearly thinks that I am a lunatic and have treated him badly, but somehow I feel like he never really knew me or listened...  I feel like he created some sort of fantasy as to what this relationship was and along the way missed who I was.  Am I selfish... 

Am I even making any sense...

Spyralle x

[WRITE]

I thought that i might have managed to do something different and be with someone 'nice'

it's horrible isn't it. I got myself so tied up with this I took two years out of being with anyone, no dating, sex- nothing. I'm a year into that and it has helped clear my perspective a bit. But it's lonely. I have cried often and wondered if that's a side to life I'll never have. But even if I never have a partner I want to be alone on my own rather than alone in a relationship if you know what I mean.

Sorry about the therapy too, you were enjoying that? Maybe you can get someone closer/ when it's more convenient.

[Hopalong]

Hi Spy,

Sounds like you were truly feeling smothered.

Were you able to tell him how you felt? Did you feel too removed to communicate?
Can you feel what you feel and not be angry at yourself?

You can't help the way you feel, you just feel that way.

I'm glad you're here. It's a hard thing you're going through.
Is there anyone 3D you can talk to about it too? A T?

Hops

[spyralle]

Thanks for responding guys, it makes me feel less alone to have people who understand so well:

Stormy: I suppose I am trying to put appropriate blame on him because otherwise I end up just beating myself up.  I don't blame him solely though.  I am unable to put firm boundaries in place in relationships, whether I want to be in them or not and then it all goes terribly wrong.... 

Bean:  "Well yes, the flying off into a lunatic routine is very helpful.  It gives the other person an "out."  It's like saying:  hey, it's not you, it's me - see I'm clearly a lunatic"

This is so true and I have done this so many times...  i just get madder and madder until they up and leave and then I can tell myself how crap I am that they left.  He was in love with some image of me.  He was always saying how sophisticated and beautiful I was - Which is a far cry from how i see myself.  In some ways I didn't want to have to be those things.  i just wanted him to see me, if you know what I mean.  it was like hey I've got this lovely woman but I better not get too close to what's inside because that's hard work, so I'll just keep on hugging and kissing it even when there is no response.

"but the real question is can you be there for me when I'm really hurt, really sad and really needing you to love me unconditionally?  Will you want to get to know That me, and can you love and accept the ugly me?"  It's one thing to say you are there and another thing to be there.  Mind you I'm not sure what I would want when it comes to being there..

Last week I had to do an interview on live radio.  It was the first one I have ever done.  I was terrified.  He didn't even ask me what show or what time....  Yet looks hurt when I don't want to respond to his physical affection...  Am I being unreasonable?

As far as my job goes Bean, slowing down is a no go unless I change jobs.  This job is only a secondment for one year.  It is a great experience but means that I have to prove myself...  Still it has it's up side.  At least it gets me out of bed in the morning..

Write: You are so brave.  I know what you mean about being alone in a relationship though.  I also wonder if being in a healthy relationship is something I'll never have.  I am terrified of being alone.  Absolutely terrified.  I admire your decision though.When I am alone I do nothing.  I just lie around eating and telling myself I will do something different tomorrow

Hops:  I was feeling smothered...  He would literally smother me physically by hugging me and trying to kiss me even when I was trying to push him off.  What is that about....?  Yes, definately the more smothered and trapped I felt the more I removed myself psychologically from the relationship.  i wish I could help the way I feel though.  i am terrified of being alone and terrified of ending up back in a relationship with someone who treats me badly...

Spyralle x

[Certain Hope]

Hi Spyralle,

Just wanted to say that it's perfectly alright to not be sure what you want. Sounds to me like you know what you don't want (re:this relationship) and that's a good start. I really think that knot in your gut is trustworthy and not to be ignored.

You write:  "Last week I had to do an interview on live radio.  It was the first one I have ever done.  I was terrified.  He didn't even ask me what show or what time....  Yet looks hurt when I don't want to respond to his physical affection...  Am I being unreasonable?"

This one really got me ^^^  I don't think you're being a bit unreasonable to expect some interest and concern from a significant other when you're struggling with something like this. I would think he'd wanna tune in and let you know he'd be listening from the other side of the radio, cheering you on. You deserve that sort of authentic support. Whether this is ordinary denseness and selfishness on his part or something a bit more pathological, I dunno. I wonder, did you express your disappointment in his response to this man? Sometimes we have to be quite direct, I think.

I believe that you will have a healthy relationship when it's no longer based on a desperate fear of alone-ness. That fear gets picked up on the radar of some "opportunists" (as I refer to them) and they see an easy target, I think. Maybe they don't have anything dark and wicked in mind, but their attempts to feed our desire for love and intimacy can wind up smothering instead of satisfying. They don't bring health and wholeness because they supply a quick "fix" for what is really an addiction and actually have an absorbing effect, instead of a filling up. I'm not doing a very good job of verbalizing this, but I sure do remember the feeling of N's endless hugs... more like a leech draining my spirit... annhilating hugs. Yuck. If he won't stop when you are trying to push him away, I'd call that abuse and run like heck. I don't think you need any other reason beyond that to end that relationship. At the very least, it's callous and disrespectful. At worst... well.... let's not find out.

With Love, Hope

[WRITE]

That's really quite an N characteristic- dismissing your important events or achievements then behaving in a childish attention-seeking way instead.

In any close relationship I want the other person to be pleased for my triumphs, sympathetic to my failures. It really undermines a friendship for me if they can't.

And that affection which feels like leaning all over you, a dead weight & draining- horrible.

Tell yourself 'I am top-shelf relationship material ( NB. I had to make a few little changes to be completely honest with myself at that point! ) and I will wait for a man who can appreciate me like I will appreciate him'.

[Hopalong]

Hi again Spy,
 

hugging me and trying to kiss me even when I was trying to push him off.  What is that about....?

I think that's about ignoring your boundaries. He may be frustrated, but trying to force a woman to respond is not a good sign.

Maybe he is someone who doesn't listen to you? Doesn't express sincere curiosity about how you are feeling? I don't know, but that sort of physical behavior would be a total turnoff for me.

Hops

[ANewSheriff]

Spy:

I want to move out of this house, but first I have to decorate it and I have no energy.  In fact I have no energy to do amything.

Sounds like you have been bitten by the depression bug, Spy.  I'm sorry you are having a rough go of it right now.  What is your hunch as to what is going on?  How long have you felt this way?

I am glad you posted and allowed yourself to vent some.  And, yes.  I do think you are making sense.  You just sound a bit overwhelmed and confused right now.  It happens.  You are not alone.  we are here.

ANewSheriff   

[spyralle]

Hi guys,

Well I have surpassed myself since I last posted.  After everything I said I have gone anad done it again.  Before i said that I didn't want to see him again we had planned to go down to a festival this weekend to sell clothes for a friend of his.  I have to say I was quite excited about this prospect as it is such a change from my real job.  Anyway he asked me would I still go and yesterday I went.  I still had the same knotty feeling in my stomach.  On the way back we got to talking and I was trying to tell him how i felt and how I would really like it if we could still be friends.  I think that he wanted to stay at my house but I didn't ask him to so he stayed at his friends house thirty five miles away.

Today we were supposed to be going again to the festival.  I am in a situation with my car where I have to limit the mileage or else I get penalised.  He messaged me this morning and asked would I drive over there and I said no I couldn't but would still like to go and if it was too late when we returned he could stay at mine.  To cut a long story short he was insistent that I drove over so I didn't go....  I just feel really angry...at myself... and at him for not understanding about my car.  Then I start beating myself up for being selfish and on and on it goes. 

I am coming to the conclusion that I have no firm picture of who I am or what I want. 

Write:  You asked me if I was top shelf relationship material...  It sounds fab and I wish I was but I think I am bottom under the counter in the dark cobwebby place relationship material because i haven't got a clue.....

[pennyplant]

I think that he wanted to stay at my house but I didn't ask him to so he stayed at his friends house thirty five miles away....

Today we were supposed to be going again to the festival.  I am in a situation with my car where I have to limit the mileage or else I get penalised.  He messaged me this morning and asked would I drive over there and I said no I couldn't but would still like to go and if it was too late when we returned he could stay at mine.  To cut a long story short he was insistent that I drove over so I didn't go.... 

Hi spyralle,

These examples from your post sounded to me like you set some boundaries.  I can definitely understand you being angry with him for not understanding the situation with your car.  From that it sounds to me like he is kind of selfish.  To me you seem like the realistic one, not selfish.

I wonder if part of the problem is that the two of you formed some kind of a connection early on before you realized some things about yourself.  That makes it harder to be objective about him and just cut him off.  "Downgrading" to being just friends is complicated.  It keeps that connection alive where some part of you just keeps getting drawn in.

But I see progress because you set boundaries even though it was hard to do.

Pennyplant

[Hopalong]

Hi Spyralle,

(What PP said.)
Plus...it made me sad to hear you describe yourself so critically. Being unready or unsure about a relationship doesn't make you "bad material" hon. Maybe it's not a great time, or maybe he's not the right guy.

he was insistent

Just like about forcing his affection on you. Pattern, I think.

((((Spy)))

Hops