co-opting

[IamNewtoMe]

Hi MountainSpring,
I am sorry to hear about your panic attack.  In time I know you will be able to keep your voice and reclaim your sense of peace.  Hang in there!

[mountainspring]

Hi IAmNewtoMe,

What I was going to post a couple days ago before my panic attack so rudely interrupted me (sometimes making light of these things makes them smaller!  ) was your comment about reality.  About seeing your accomplishments as they really are instead of hearing the old tapes.  Sometimes visualizing it helps me.  Seeing your accomplishments in your head as they really are.  Sometimes if I talk back to the old tapes it helps, and sometimes I'll type what the old tape says on my computer, try to figure a heathier way, and type the healthier way of thinking over and over and over and over. (It takes lots of attacking the old tape to get it to budge!)   Am I making sense?

[logos4philo]

I lost my mom to cancer when I was 14 and she was 43.  While I feel sorry for you that you have a flawed relationship with your mother, I feel really envious that you have one at all.  Where there is life, there is hope (in general).  Have you been able to speak with your mother about your feelings?  Is she receptive?  I really hope you and she will stand in better stead with one another soon. 

[reallyME]

. 

My brother and his wife finally had enough and used this as an excuse to finally just tell her - Look Mom, you're undependable, and we need someone to be dependable as we have very busy hectic lives (they both work and were both going to graduate school too for awhile), so we're going to use X as a babysitter from now on - she gets paid to be dependable and it's easier for us as we can count on her.  Then, we don't always have to be worrying about the change of "plan." 

OH I JUST JUMPED UP N DOWN WITH JOYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY WHEN I READ THIS!  BRAVO BROTHER AND SISTER IN LAW, FOR STANDING UP TO THAT N !

(my Mom uses this word loosely, it means whatever anybody else can do to accommodate her  ).  As you can guess, N Mom retaliated by attacking them and telling everyone including me (I actually sympathized with her at the time, she started crying and everything) "they're preventing me from seeing my grandsons!!" 

THIS IS TO BE EXPECTED FROM AN N FOR SURE

2)  Always be present with your N Mom and daughter.  I would do this anyway.  I know how my N Mom used to smack us around, and I'd be scared to death of what she might do to my kids

GREAT ADVICE HERE, BEAN!


And...the most dramatic option, and I don't know if this is one for you or not, it likely depends on where you live and the laws there (in some states "grandparents have RIGHTS" I've been told by my - in a similar situation - friend)

3)  Cut off your N Mom completely.  Why does she need to see your daughter at all?  Who really benefits from this time?  If no one, what's the point?  Your daughter will likely not regret never having the relationship with her grandmother that could never be anyway.  This is the key thing to remember:  you daughter would never have a "normal" healthy relationship with her anyway; so it's not like you're preventing something from happening that actually ever has a chance of happening!

YES YES AND YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!  GET YOUR CHILD AWAY FROM THIS PERSON!  SHE IS TOXIC AND NOT GOOD FOR HER TO BE WITH.  I AGREE 100% WITH BEAN, AND THIS WAS MY FAVORITE OF ALL BEAN'S RESPONSES TO YOU.  YOU HAVE A RESPONSIBILITY TO PROTECT YOUR DAUGHTER FROM GOING THROUGH WHAT YOU DID.  BRING DOWN THE WALL BETWEEN THEM BOTH, SO YOUR DAUGHTER HAS A CHANCE AT A NORMAL CHILDHOOD WITHOUT A CONTROLLING GRANDPARENT WHO IS TOXIC.



 [.

I'd cut the grandmother off completely, but that's me.  In the long run it will be healthier for both you and your daughter (and if you're married your husband too). 

It would probably be better for your daughter to imagine the fantasy "good" relationship she might have had with grandma..

I have to disagree here.  I don't believe that leaving a child to fantasize that someone was good that isn't, is a healthy thing to do.  I'm glad it didn't harm you doing it, bean, but I don't agree with it.  It's always best to be honest and tell the truth to your children about other people and situations.  What would happen if one day your daughter met this lady and found out that she was an N...she might then blame YOU for not being up-front with her from the start, about the N'ism in the family.  Just my thought on this.

ReallyME
Laura

[reallyME]

It sounds like you are making a healthy choice of protecting your daughter.  I realize that no-contact is not always the answer for everyone.  Like I always say, "If you can't let go, then hold on LOOSELY"

~Laura RM

[logos4philo]

New,

Thanks for the kind comment regarding my mother.  It has been tremendously difficult since she died.  There are studies that actually show that my demographic typically has a great deal of difficulties in relationships and at work.  Someone at the Smith School for Social Work wrote her thesis on just that issue, in case you are in the least bit interested.  Regarding your relationship with your mother, it does seem the only hope is for you to have good boundaries coupled with a long-distance rapport.  Estrangement does not sound so bad in this case.  Does she like presents?  Sometimes I think it's grand to surprise one's parent(s) to let them know one is thinking of him or her.