emotionally abused by narcissistic boyfriend

[reallyME]

Hopalong,  I liked your suggestions to Logos about getting together with some supportive people.  I agree.

I have to stop looking for powerful people to validate my existence.

This is sooooooooooooooooo true!

I'm addressing this AS one of those, what you'd refer to as "powerful" people.  Though I'm not wealthy at all, not materialistic really, I appear to others to "have all your ducks in a row."  I'm not really struggling with N'ism from another (Jodi and I don't talk anymore), I'm recovered and healed from the majority of my formerly-codependent/borderline ways of thinking, I'm off all meds, except my thyroid one...so, to many I'd be one of those "powerful" people, who seem to have things all together...and I am RESENTED for it by those who don't have it' together" either by their own choice or whatever...

I don't need to define anyone.  They don't need to define me.  This goes for every individual.  We are people in our own right, who do not need another person to tell us who we are, or, if we feel we do, we SHOULD not.  I am one who talks about not using the word "should" but here, I will use it.  You SHOULD NOT allow another person to have that kind of power over you...to DEFINE WHO YOU ARE AND MAKE YOU FEEL EXISTENT...if you are doing this, you need to get to a therapist, as Hopalong said.  It's not healthy and it is wasting a lot of your life, where you could be doing other things that you really LOVE doing.

~ReallyMe,
Laura

[logos4philo]

I haven't pulled out any more hair today, so that's good.  I looked in the mirror and it appears absolutely frightful.  The bald spot the size of my palm is just disgusting and shocking.  I am so angry that I did that to myself over the loss of this guy.  He's not even a loss really because he barely treated me well anyway.  He insulted my family almost every day and my family is just fine!  I believe he also has histrionic personality disorder, and antisocial personality disorder.  He is not bound by normal rules for interacting in society.  He feels he does not need to answer to anyone.  I can't believe I became so involved with someone so messed up.  But because he is so brilliant and talented and handsome, I was willing to overlook that he did not really treat me very well.  I enjoyed so much basking in the warm light of his brilliance, that I did not realize I was all the while being burned from the inside.

[mudpuppy]

Hi logos,

logos=word. Guess my Christianity was showing. In the beginning was the Word (logos).

I think it is possible to cultivate the mind and the heart simultaneously. But of the two IMO, the heart is far more important.
I know people who pretty much only cultivate the heart and they are wonderful people. I also know some who only cultivate the mind. They are pretty miserable people. Those are the ones I consider intellectuals.

Has anyone ever had a good, long-term relationship with a narcissist?

I doubt it. The only way to have a good relationship with an N is if they are no longer an N.

What does that sort of relationship look like?

Since you can't have a good relationship, it generally looks like either a life long donnybrook or its a similar relationship to the one between Doc Frankenstein and Egore. Total domination by the N and weak, feckless submission by the servile stooge.

And I would seriously consider Hop's suggestions.

mud

[logos4philo]

Hop,
Thanks a tonne for the suggestions; I so appreciate them.  And Mud's also, certainly.  I've been pulling out my hair again, but as there is just a little left on the sweet spot of my head, I am not that interested in pulling out more.  I look like Friar Tuck!  Scary, truly!     

[Hopalong]

You're very welcome, Logos.
I think if it were me, I'd get an appointment with a psychiatrist and show her/him my poor head and talk it all through.

I know you can be helped.

Hops

[Hopalong]

Hi Logos,
This is a quote from a letter I just read on another forum...sounds like there's good help available:

habits [such as hair pulling] are brought on by anxiety or distraction and persist despite social embarrassment. You may talk to a psychiatrist about a drug called clomiprimine which is said to help with OCD related behaviors. Incidently, hair pulling has been linked to eating disorders. Please do not disparage yourself. You are not weak. Perhaps you are suffering from a chemical imbalance.

Hops

[IamNewtoMe]

Logos,

I agree with the advice you have gotten from several people on this thread.  A good therapist and/or psychiatrist will be able to help you a great deal.  I am glad you realize you must stop seeking powerful people's validation. It is such a big step to realize that you must validate yourself. 

As for the issues surrounding intellectualism, it would be helpful to ask yourself about your own motivations.  What does it mean to be an intellect?  Why is being an intellectual important to you?  Will getting an academic degree really make you an intellectual or are there other components that are important?

I don't say many things with confidence, but I do feel the following statement is true:  Going to Cannes and becoming an "intellectual" will not make you happy unless you work on some other things in your life.  I come from a whole family of self-proclaimed intellectuals.  Intellect and the power exercised through intellect are the only admirable persuits in my family of origin.  And they are a miserable lot.  They are academically and professionally outstanding, but they are socially and emotionally crippled people.  They are not happy.

This is not so say that getting an education wouldn't contribute to your happiness and sense of well-being.  I like intellectual stuff (however you define it); its fun to exercise your (one's) brain.  But some things in life are more important than attending classes at a prestigious university.  You need to sort those things out first.

Do the work to take good care of your body (especially your poor head!).  Nurture your heart and your soul, and you will nurture your intellect in the process.

[logos4philo]

Hop,
thank you kindly for the advice and the information.  I have already spoken with a psychiatrist and she has upped my dosage of an antidepressant and also given me anti-anxiety meds.  I am feeling quite a bit better now, so thanks.  The anxiolytic drugs are quite potent, apparently.  I'm embarassed about my bald spot...I will have to swim with a swimming cap on...guess that's not too bad.  Do you know any PhD philosophers by chance?  If so, what do you think of their personality and character?

[logos4philo]

Iamnew,

Thanks very much for your insightful comments.  I think I mis-wrote when I said I was looking for someone else to validate my existence.  What I am looking for is someone who can complement me and who really loves being with me.  We are all taught from an early age that those who have money and prestige and looks and athleticism all in one are supposedly the best "catches".  But I know that's not all there is to a relationship.  In fact, that does not guarantee a good relationship at all.  I have to look carefully at how I am being treated by a man and then decide based on that whether to continue to see him.  If I and my family are being verbally assaulted, then I should take the hint and move on.  This happened before to me and I decided to remain in the relationship because I thought his treatment of me would eventually improve.  It never did.  I wasted my precious year.   

[Hopalong]

Hi Logos,
My deceased exH was not a PhD but was a serious student of philosophy. Eventually I realized he preferred books to me. I do think a lot, but my own mind doesn't enjoy "pure" idea.

Myy take is, I don't think intellectual is a negative...I think unbalanced is. Where would we be without people who immerse themselves deeply in the world of ideas? Sometimes there's a cost in terms of connectedness to people, depending how far they go...

I no longer hero-worship intelligence on its own. My ex was truly brilliant, but I lived with his mean streak. If kindness, humor and honesty aren't also present in a person, you could be Einstein, and I'd rather talk to the wise janitor...

Hops

[logos4philo]

I've stopped pulling out my hair!  This is a victory over anxiety and impulse.  I am so thankful my meds were not counterfeits and so actually worked.  My ex is no longer calling me but he did just the other night to make sure I had not committed suicide and then asked me how it was at 4:30 am my time.  I told him I was sleeping so he hung up. Haven't heard from him since.  This is the one who emotionally abused me and ridiculed me and my family almost daily.  Do you think I should be happy not to have heard from him again?

[logos4philo]

he asked me how I was..not "it was".

[gratitude28]

Logos,
I haven't read the whole way through the thread, but there was something that struck me... you said he wished you were an "intellectual." And you also said you did not kjnow what that was to him. I am sure he doesn't know what that means either... Ns get this vague idea of something they idolize... but it also shifts to match their mood. As you said here, you could never fulfill his "hopes" for you.
I know you are horrified that you wasted a year with him... on the bright side... you didn't marry him. Thank God!
You sound like a great, smart and fun person. Time to pick up and walk away. I honestly can say I don't know what it's like to get sucked in by an N in a relationship... for some reason I've been lucky that way. But it must make you doubt yourself and hurt your self-esteem. Please remember, this was all about HIM, not about you. You are great and need to realize that, although you got duped, you can and will find a nice person... and now you have some extra knowledge to help you find him!
Love, Beth

[logos4philo]

Hi Grati,

Thanks for the glowing proto-compliments.  I mean proto because they are based on your assumptions about me and not your real-life interaction with me.   I really appreciate them.  I don't want to stop thinking about him though because so much about him I did like but then so much about him I did not, which all centered around how he (mis)treated me.  He did not really seem to care about my feelings and was not very considerate all around.  For instance, while we were driving, he turned the music up so he wouldn't have to converse with me and I made the trip out to see him!  The audacity, right?  Also, he would barely let me talk anyway because he would often watch tv shows or movies, so I couldn't really get in a nano-sized word, let alone solid discourse.  Why do I miss him so oooooo much?

[gratitude28]

Logos,
It sounds to me like you are still enjoying your misery. So, when I comes time, I think you will no longer want to hurt yourself to prove a point. I think, basicall, until you decide that you are ready for a new, healthful lifestyle, you will cling on to this relationship to punish yourself. I also have to say, after having gone through and read the remainder of your posts, I , too, get an idea you try to use complex language in order to either seem like an intellectual or to separate yourself from others.
Are you discussing any of these things with your therapist?
You must feel bad about yourself to have permitted this man to treat you this way.
I wish you a new beginning and new-found love for yourself.
Beth