I am number six

[pennyplant]

I like mudpuppy's fish story very much.  It is one of the two most beautiful extended metaphors I have ever read in my life--the other one was also a "fish story," though that one was not funny like yours, mud.  I have not yet learned how to write extended metaphors myself, but you HAVE inspired me to at least try my hand at starting a thread.  First time ever since I got here in February or March.

What inspired me is the idea of being one of those creatures of the pond world who mostly lives at the edges.  Sometimes getting wet when I preferred to be dry, sometimes getting pulled under when I preferred to wade in slowly, sometimes wandering around among the reeds when I preferred to be in there splashing with the rest.  Probably the question of my entire life has been why is it always like that?  Well, probably the real question is, what am I worth when I'm an outsider so much of the time?  Being an outsider is an enduring pattern throughout much of my life.  Being in the right place at the right time and of the right mindset in order to be "in" is the exception for me, though being "in" has occurred often enough for me to know I've got it in me.  I just don't seem to understand how to tap into it.

About the title of this thread--it's from one of my little life stories.  In kindergarten, I was sitting and painting at one of the work tables we had.  Painting was one of my favorite kindergarten activities.  I was listening to some of the kids from my street who were talking about how much fun they had had at Paul's birthday party.  I felt left out of course and wondered why I hadn't been invited.  Later on Paul said to me that he was sorry I couldn't come.  His mother said he could only invite five kids and I was number six.  Actually I think now that it was a pretty thoughtful thing for a little boy in kindergarten to have said.  It must have been obvious in some way that I felt left out.

Much later on, age ten I think, something similar happened again.  The most popular girl in our class was having her birthday party.  She was a friend of a friend so we knew each other alright.  Her mother had also said she could only have five girls at her party and I was number six.  I must have actually asked if I couldn't come anyway because she did go and ask her mother for one more guest and the answer was yes and I did go to the party.  Amazing to me now that I had the sense of self worth or whatever to sort of demand that I be invited!  So unlike me nowadays.

So, now when I'm feeling peripheral, I will say to my husband, I must be number six.  He totally gets it because he was always the new kid in school and never got invited period.

So, I'm on this board now and still completely confused about the value of my role here.  Once I decided to register, I think I post an average of two or three times a day, something like that.  For the times I'm online, well it's almost every hour of the clock except maybe 1 am.  Never started a thread until today, have not participated in any discussion that had certain emotions contained within it.  Just words on a computer screen, but words come from emotion and words generate emotion, so it's still important, still real.  Just a different kind of real.

PMs seem to be some kind of a measure of worth or connectedness.  I have PMed a few times.  Enough to know that I wish I had a better knack for it.  If only I could master the art of the cyber-hug, I bet the PMs would go better!  In 3-D life I have actually learned that I am a hugger!  What a surprise that was to learn.  I don't hug everybody all the time.  But when it seems natural, I hug.  And I like it.  And some people like to hug me.  The very first PM I got here was in response to a story I posted about two girls who tormented me in 9th grade.  In the PM I was asked for a (((hug))).  It actually startled me.  In fact, I declined, in what I hope was a kind way.  I do believe now that I handled it the right way as things have developed.  For I might have got in over my head with that particular situation.

So far I have learned enough in this place to be able to formulate real questions for myself.  Questions I can really work on.  Also, I am working on boosting my level of bravery.  By that I mean, when the words of some people disturb me or confuse me or make me doubt my perceptions, now I can start to figure out what is going on under my skin, in me, that has struck such a chord.  Always before, even when I recognized that my feelings were growing out of my experience just as much as growing from what the other person said or did, still I would have this anger and resentment--why did they have to do it the WAY they did it?  Was it necessary to be cruel?  I would be afraid.  Now I'm beginning to think differently.  The WAY they did it is just their way.  If that is ALWAYS their way, then I am more than free to add that person to my "Toxicity" list and move on from there.  It doesn't mean I have to add another flaw to my "What is So Wrong With Pennyplant That She Can't Get Along With Others" list.  I do get along with many people.  Just not all.

What is my purpose with this particular thread?  I want to learn what my natural approach to being in a group is.  I want to learn what my role here is.  I want to learn what my role here means.

I will start with something that I do know about myself.  It is something that comes up frequently here.  Thread ownership.  I started this thread.  As soon as I hit post, it will no longer belong to only me.  It will belong to everybody here.  That is a way of operating that actually works for me in my life.  I enjoy seeing what develops naturally.  This thread has a theme, "Being Peripheral"  but it is free to wander among your thoughts and inspire related ideas.  If it somehow manages to anger people eventually--maybe I will lock it.  There is enough anger floating around in the world, and I have enough trouble directing my own anger, that I do not want that to become an idea that takes over this thread.  If it doesn't generate much interest, then I will learn more about being peripheral.  I will be especially excited, though, if others decide to share their own "number six" stories.

So, I will try this and see what happens.

Pennyplant

[Hopalong]

Hi PP,
Have to be quick (I'll come back later) but this is wonderful. So glad for you that you did this!

I grew up on the outside with my heart nearly snapping from loneliness. For unfathomable reasons, in college I became loved and had my first friends. But I never have forgotten. Even when I wedge myself into the middle of things, jaws a-flapping, I never, ever forget how that was, for all those formative years.

I think I waded right in because I had been so lonely for so many years that I grew used to it. And could carry that with me as a permeable boundary. Maybe, that was the gift of the past.

The other thing is, having suffered such loneliness did break my heart, and when it healed, I felt more as though I could recognize the broken or bruised heart in everyone else, even my tormentors. So...we were all the same. And now, most people in my life show no interest in hurting me at all. I don't seem to be attracting that as much (save the occasional N, but that's a habit I think I've just about broken).

Last, gotta work...I want to say to you that thoughtful people who are positioned on the edge of the pond show us all that there is a shape to things. There are different angles of light from the edge. You see a different reflection in the water when you're not in the center wrestling gators or mudpuppies.

When the splashers get tired enough to pause on the bank for a while, you can teach them what you've seen. It's invaluable.

It does take all of us.
love,
Hops

[pennyplant]

Thank you, Hops    .

My first cyberhug:

(((Hops)))

PP

[Brigid]

Pennyplant,
I was very touched by your story.  There have been times in my life when I have felt very much the outsider--wanting so desperately to be included.  I think quite often I was number six also.  My exh used to tell me that people viewed me as a b**ch because I was not as gregarious or fun as he.  I think I mainly just hung in the background while he sucked all the air out of the space we were in.  I find now that without him around, I have started to come out of the protective shell I created to shield myself from . . . hmmm, not sure what, exactly.  Maybe the fear of rejection.  Maybe the fear of just being ignored or thought irrelevant.

I sit on the edge of the pond, watching the turtles swim and dive and wishing I was braver and could sustain the cold water for longer periods of time without needing to scurry back to the warmth of the sunny shore.  Maybe just hide out in the reeds for awhile waiting for the water to warm up.

Please start more threads--you're good at it.

((((((((pennyplant))))))))))))

Brigid

[Hopalong]

Maybe just hide out in the reeds for awhile waiting for the water to warm up.

Brave, wise Brigid.
I think you're wonderful just as you are, and knowing you're around is a big reason this loudmouth feels safe here.

You built this space for me. You and others whose kindness never wavered. You who have no jagged beaks.

I hopped in the pond because your presence here, whether visible in the moment or not, told me this was a safe place for many species.

((((Brigid)))))

Hops

[Jona22]

It is just in recent years I have understoon why I was the way I was during my childhood.  For most of my life I have believed that I was a very shy child.  It was like I was afraid of my own shadow and I didn't talk much with new people until I kind of sussed them out and felt more comfortable with them.  I was never in the inner circle but rather on the outside looking in.  Making friends was very difficult.

It was about 10 years ago that it began to dawn on me what happened.  I didn't know about NPD at the time.  I was at my cousin's house for Thanksgiving.  The family, including my n-mother were all sitting around the table telling stories about the past.  I told a story too.  I felt comfortable doing so.  I had been away from my family enough to feel comfortable talking with a group of people.  When I finished my story there was a silence.  Then my mother said, "That is not what happened."  She didn't explain herself.  When I protested that my story was true her face got red and she looked daggers at me and repeated that that was not what happened.  I was dumbstruck.

Later I began to remember what it was like when I was a child and said anything in front of family.  It became clear to me that I was always present at family functions but I didn't dare say much because of her put-downs.  I was actually always on the outside looking in.  Relatives didn't even talk to me.  I don't remember ever having a conversation with any of them.  I would go play by myself and be called to dinner.  I would sit there with the rest of them listening to their conversations but I didn't take part--wasn't included.

I guess I should explain that I was an only child and my cousins were all at least 12 years older than I. 

I still sit on the sidelines of forums and don't post much.  I do have a great social life now that I enjoy very much.

[moonlight52]

Hi PP, Wow what a wonderful thread .As a child I had my twin brother but there were times that had to do with girlfriends at school.
I was invited to party's and sometimes connected with the others and sometimes not.As many young girls remember there is always a very popular girl at our school .She reined supreme.Lonely ness came not because there were not people around but because
family was in the grip of N father.I remember  about 11 or 12 I took a book out of the library over and over.The name of the book
was "Nobody's Girl" .I would leave it around the house hoping someone would see it and know how I felt,but that did not happen.
Thank you PP for your insight and the just right way you express you.
Love and Light
Moon

[pennyplant]

I want to say to you that thoughtful people who are positioned on the edge of the pond show us all that there is a shape to things. There are different angles of light from the edge. You see a different reflection in the water when you're not in the center wrestling gators or mudpuppies.

When the splashers get tired enough to pause on the bank for a while, you can teach them what you've seen. It's invaluable.

It does take all of us.

I have a few minutes before heading back to work so I can make some responses.  Hops this image just filled my heart.  Showing us there is a shape to things.  Different angles of light, different reflections.  It feels good to have something I can actually picture in my mind.  When the splashers get tired--one of the things about being on the edges is that connections with other people are sometimes singular or of short duration.  It can be lonely.  When you talked about carrying your loneliness inside like a permeable boundary, well it makes loneliness sound like a comfort.  It has value.  I like that idea.  When I read your post I felt like jumping in the air (where is the smiley with wings?  )

My exh used to tell me that people viewed me as a b**ch because I was not as gregarious or fun as he. I think I mainly just hung in the background while he sucked all the air out of the space we were in. I find now that without him around, I have started to come out of the protective shell I created to shield myself from . . . hmmm, not sure what, exactly. Maybe the fear of rejection. Maybe the fear of just being ignored or thought irrelevant.

I sit on the edge of the pond, watching the turtles swim and dive and wishing I was braver and could sustain the cold water for longer periods of time without needing to scurry back to the warmth of the sunny shore. Maybe just hide out in the reeds for awhile waiting for the water to warm up.

Hi Brigid,

The comparison thing.  I don't know if it just the way my mind works, or if it is a by-product of voicelessness.  Always, I check out how I measure up to others.  In every possible way.  When our kids were small, I was the b---- compared to my easy-going husband.  That's a long, long story for maybe another time.  But it was a big issue for us for a long time.  I believed he was purposely being "nice" as something of a setup or in order to make me the mean one.  Many, many years later he admitted that something like that was indeed at work.  He suffers from voicelessness too and may have picked up that "nice dad, mean mom" from his own parents.  We definitely don't operate like that now.  Anyway, just one example of always comparing myself and mostly coming up short.  And therefore, feeling like I didn't really DESERVE to be included.  Who would want ME anyway?

When you talked about needing to get out of the cold to warm up--sometimes I wonder if I really WANT to be "in" all the time.  Maybe it is truly part of my nature to be where I am most of the time.  Maybe I have innocently absorbed the dominant values of popularity and groupiness.  I believe that I will eventually see it just that way.  That I am where I not only need to be, but want to be.

Jona22 and Moon-- I have to get to work now.  I will respond to your posts tonight.

Pennyplant

[Sela]

Fantastic first try Penny!

Good for you for swimming out of the reeds!  I love your voice and really relate to so much of what you wrote.  I've been rather focussed, lately and not posting on many threads.  I don't start many threads either.  For me.....it is my own self-talk/inner thinking that influences that.  What do I really want to say or know?  Will anyone else be interested?  Sometimes, I'd just rather read and others....post.   One of my first tries.......I started as "annonymous".  Too chicken to use my real guest name, even.  The "anything" thread.  I guess it worked out ok.  I was afraid people would think it was silly or a waste of time or not be interested.  Negative self-talk galore there eh?

I'm glad you took the plunge and braved starting this thread and I truly thankyou for what you said about once you hit "Post".   I like it when threads are allowed to go where they might.....where people can just discuss stuff.   I also understand that sometimes, a person has a real need for support or a problem they really would like to discuss, and in that case, I might feel rude if I end up highjacking the thread, or contribute stuff to it, that has nothing to do with the original title/topic.....as if I have no consideration for the original thread starter.  Ofcourse, that isn't true.  I do consider that person, but I don't always remember to say so or appologise.  

Your story reminded me of my kindergarten experience.  I had to go to school that was not my regular school, because my regular school, where the friends I played with near my house went, did not have kindergarten.  So my friends, must have been younger or older than I.  Heehee.  Little kindergarten friends.   My first friendships.  I remember those. (little red heart icon please).

Anyhow.....ya........I didn't know a soul and felt totally excluded.  I heard discussions, similar to what you described, about people's birthday parties, to which I had not been invited, nor did there seem like there would be a chance of that.  I was quiet and shy.  I wanted to please the teacher but she seemed uninterested in me compared to the others.  At that time, we kids were given a blanket and told to have a nap, each day, for however long??  I didn't nap at home and thought it was such a babyish thing but I complied....tried......couldn't sleep......would be corrected for it.  I felt very much alone in kindergarten and actually......didn't like it at all.   I felt like the other kids knew eachother and just didn't notice me, except for when the teacher was correcting me, and I thought the teacher.....didn't like me.

But I did like painting.  I did like standing in front of that little easel and splashing my feelings there with paint.  I remember doing that.  And I remember the teacher........coming to look..........and making corrections.....not asking but telling me what the painting looked like....which was completely NOT what it was about.  I remember smiling and pretending she was right, hoping that would please her and I remember it didn't.  She went on to make corrections.......tell me how I could improve it.......how her choice of colours was not the same as mine.  "Not fair!",  I thought.  "They're my feelings."

But I smiled and listened and tried to let her see that I agreed with her.   It didn't matter.

Hahahaha!  I've changed a lot since kindergarten, I think.  But I guess I haven't really felttt......for little me, back then.  Forgot all about it.  Buried it.  Didn't even realise that part of my self-doubt might have been generated by her behaviour??

So, I have to thank you for bringing this up, since it's helped me to see that somehow.....I've found a way to use my voice, since then, regardless of having self-doubt imposed by being centred out as different, having my "work" put down, and not being welcomed and encouraged to be part of the group.

I left that school and went to my regular school the next year, thank God, and things went along much better.

In 3-D life I have actually learned that I am a hugger!

Me too, although I'm very careful about whom I hug.  But I'm a touchy-feely person, as Archie Bunker would put it, and it's helped me to learn this too.

 when the words of some people disturb me or confuse me or make me doubt my perceptions, now I can start to figure out what is going on under my skin, in me, that has struck such a chord.  

Thankyou for this wise gift, Penny.  This is a biggie, I think.  And congratulations!  I need to do more of that, I think.

Your post was very touching and you strike me as really wanting self-awareness.  Me too.  Sometimes I think I'm out to lunch.

And then people like you come along and help restore my faith in myself (on edit: that I can keep learning and changing).   I'm glad you're here. (((Penny)))

  Sela

[IamNewtoMe]

PennyPlant,

Your post is so beautiful and meaningful. Thankyou for sharing and inviting us to wander among our thoughs (to paraphrase) on your thread.  I can relate to so much that you and others posted here.  I kept reading and saying, "wow! ...wow!  Wow again, I can relate to this!"

I have always felt peripheral.  I labled myself as "shy" because I felt I couldn't tell stories or jokes, or participate equally in a conversation. Like Jona22, my early experiences (and even recently, now that I think of it) trying to hold my own in a conversation with my Nmom, resulted in "No, that's not how that happened", or "No, that's a silly idea" or some such thing.

PennyPlant, the following really struck a cord in me;  "...sometimes wandering around among the reeds when I preferred to be in there splashing with the rest.  Probably the question of my entire life has been why is it always like that?  Well, probably the real question is, what am I worth when I'm an outsider so much of the time?" 

I don't know you, but just from reading your posts in the last couple weeks, I think you are worth a lot.  You are priceless.  But I think I can relate to why you ask yourself that.   

I've never been able to figure out why it seems I have always been shy, or thought I was shy.  I really don't know.  But I do remember crying to my mom one day afterschool, probably 4th or 5th grade.  I told her I didn't have any friends and I didn't know why. Instead of talking to me about my feelings, how I might go about communicating with potential friends, etc., she actually looked HAPPY and talked about herself, and how she had no friends when she was my age, we must be special people, at least she and I could be best friends, etc.  It was one of the few times she seemed to approve of me.  She was so happy that I seemed just like her, and she rewarded me for being peripheral and lonely. 

Did this kind of interaction ever happen to you or anyone else here?  Where do all of these feelings of shyness, loneliness, unworthiness come from for you?

[Brigid]

IamNew,

Where do all of these feelings of shyness, loneliness, unworthiness come from for you?

For me, I would say mostly from an n father who criticized and corrected virtually everything I did.  I never remember being praised for having done the least little thing well or even above average.  I believe that is why, as a child, I never stuck with any activity for very long.  I think I kept looking for something that would garner me some positive attention, but that was never to be.

To this day, I have a difficult time accepting or believing compliments.  I have tried to retrain myself to be more graceful and polite when a compliment is given, but I still struggle with believing it is given in earnest.

Brigid

[pennyplant]

For most of my life I have believed that I was a very shy child.  It was like I was afraid of my own shadow and I didn't talk much with new people until I kind of sussed them out and felt more comfortable with them.  I was never in the inner circle but rather on the outside looking in.  Making friends was very difficult.
.......

Later I began to remember what it was like when I was a child and said anything in front of family.  It became clear to me that I was always present at family functions but I didn't dare say much because of her put-downs.  I was actually always on the outside looking in.  Relatives didn't even talk to me.  I don't remember ever having a conversation with any of them.  I would go play by myself and be called to dinner.  I would sit there with the rest of them listening to their conversations but I didn't take part--wasn't included.

Hi Jona22,

Maybe I should mention that I tend to just quote small parts of what people post because I figure that really the whole post stands on its own and can be read over and over as people wish.  Picking out a piece of it sort of gives me a jumping-off point for responding.

About shyness--have you ever heard of "slow-to-warm"?  I used to read about that when my oldest son was small because he had problems in groups.  It was like he felt on display or so very self-conscious.  I read up trying to find a category for him in hopes that I could find a way to change that about him.  Oh, I have learned so much since then.  Anyway, slow-to-warm has stuck in my mind since then.  "Sussed them out" seems a little like that.  How I wish that adults could give kids more credit and maybe even more space so they can teach themselves to be comfortable with others.  But that would require a selflessness or sensitivity that many people, let alone Ns, don't possess.

Put-downs from your own family.  The love of your own family is so basic a need.  A long time ago I decided to sort of give myself a break about how hard it was sometimes to fit in.  Because I lacked the basics--the obvious love of my own family.  It was so hands-off in my house.  If no one at your house hugs you or says nice things to you, well it will feel odd out there in the world.  Once I put that together, I knew I needed to go back and get really basic.  Didn't really know how that would happen.  But I also think it really can't be skipped, that basic love and acceptance.  I give you much credit, Jona, for stopping your voice for a time, because it was a way of stopping put-downs.  You thought enough of your own value to not want that treatment.... you have a social life now and that shows you have it in you.

Also, as a side-note, thanks for coming back here, Jona.  I too thought of really leaving for awhile but hovered around and thought some more and decided to stay.  It's a work in progress.

Lonely ness came not because there were not people around but because
family was in the grip of N father.I remember about 11 or 12 I took a book out of the library over and over.The name of the book
was "Nobody's Girl" .I would leave it around the house hoping someone would see it and know how I felt,but that did not happen.

Oh my, Moon.  Nobody's Girl.  If only N-father had cared enough to just look for a moment and wonder, why does she keep getting that book?  What is it about?  "Nobody's girl?  Why, you're my girl, Moon," that's what he should have felt and said.  It's so simple isn't it?  This is what I mean about the basics that each child needs growing up.  A child can manage in life if they have value to the people who should care, the people at home.

I know you gave that to your daughters.  I bet you found it to be a pleasure!

Pennyplant

[pennyplant]

One of my first tries.......I started as "annonymous".  Too chicken to use my real guest name, even.  The "anything" thread.  I guess it worked out ok.  I was afraid people would think it was silly or a waste of time or not be interested.  Negative self-talk galore there eh?
...........

I felt very much alone in kindergarten and actually......didn't like it at all.   I felt like the other kids knew eachother and just didn't notice me, except for when the teacher was correcting me, and I thought the teacher.....didn't like me.

But I did like painting.  I did like standing in front of that little easel and splashing my feelings there with paint.  I remember doing that.  And I remember the teacher........coming to look..........and making corrections.....not asking but telling me what the painting looked like....which was completely NOT what it was about.  I remember smiling and pretending she was right, hoping that would please her and I remember it didn't.  She went on to make corrections.......tell me how I could improve it.......how her choice of colours was not the same as mine.  "Not fair!",  I thought.  "They're my feelings."
........................

you strike me as really wanting self-awareness.  Me too.  Sometimes I think I'm out to lunch.

Hi Sela,

Yes, I would say the "Anything" thread was and is a huge success.  Is it up to 45 pages now?!?  As Napoleon Dynamite would say, "Yessssssss!"

Never underestimate the power of kindergarten!  Everything about painting was exciting--the easel, the brushes, the smell of the paint, getting to wear a smock, the beauty of the colors.  I love how you knew that you were painting your feelings.  And how terrible to have a teacher who thought it was her job to squash that idea.  Teachers are supposed to feed passion not kill it.

Years ago my son brought home a painting from first grade that took my breath away.  It was red, blue and yellow flowers, like giant daisies.  What was so astonishing about it was the balance he put into it.  I had never seen a painting by a six-year-old that had such balance to it, proportionwise, colorwise, flowers to background.  I hung it up on our kitchen door and every single person who came into the kitchen commented on that painting.  That is when I knew for sure he was an artist.  Thank God, no teacher ever squashed that in him.  I did a LOT of things wrong with him, but that one I got right.

Self-awareness--I guess I feel like any other way to live would be very boring.  I am sometimes torn between too much "correction" and real growth.  I guess that's what I'm after--growth.  In hopes that it will feel better and better to be alive.

I noticed on another thread how you figured out the difference between (and relationship of) truth and trust.  To me, that kind of learning and figuring out seems like growth.   That was very cool.

Thank you for the compliments, too, Sela.  Praise is something else I want to learn how to handle gracefully.  The first compliment I ever got from my mother happened when I was 24.  I was a little embarrassed because my youngest son had that newborn rash all over his face for a few weeks and didn't look so good with his fair skin all blotchy.  I said it was too bad he was so white like me.  My mother said, "Oh, when you were a baby I thought you looked like an angel because you were white like the angels painted on the walls at church."  First compliment ever.  I never knew she thought anything positive about my looks.

Oh, we really do need a smiley with wings!

PP

[pennyplant]

I've never been able to figure out why it seems I have always been shy, or thought I was shy.  I really don't know.  But I do remember crying to my mom one day afterschool, probably 4th or 5th grade.  I told her I didn't have any friends and I didn't know why. Instead of talking to me about my feelings, how I might go about communicating with potential friends, etc., she actually looked HAPPY and talked about herself, and how she had no friends when she was my age, we must be special people, at least she and I could be best friends, etc.  It was one of the few times she seemed to approve of me.  She was so happy that I seemed just like her, and she rewarded me for being peripheral and lonely. 

Did this kind of interaction ever happen to you or anyone else here?  Where do all of these feelings of shyness, loneliness, unworthiness come from for you?

Hi IamNewtoMe,

I got two opposite feelings in me when you shared this part of your story.  You see, my mother always made me feel ashamed for not being popular or having boyfriends (at a fairly young age!) as was true for her when she was a girl.  Which just made me feel more odd and lonely.  And it wasn't like she shared social skills with me.  She really didn't have any either, but instead happened to be lucky that she was a very pretty little girl who had an average personality in the 50s.  Kids just gravitated to her and she didn't really have to do any work at all.  She giggled a lot and was cute and didn't over-think so she could fit in easily as long as she was welcomed, which she was.  Guess she thought it would happen like magic for me too.  Anyway, I guess I might have felt less weird as a child if my mother had said we had something that big in common.

BUT!  It is so not a good thing that she put you into her world like that.  So, the other feeling I got was a sort of hopeless, trapped feeling.  "So, this is how I am.  I'll never have any friends."  And I have experienced something like that as well, from my father.  He was kind of an oddball (perhaps Asperger's Syndrome) and while he had friends, he knew nothing of chit chat, easy-going banter, easy-going anything really.  And one day, when I was about 14 (the year my parents divorced and two former friends tormented me in school) he said, "I'm afraid you are going to turn out like me, and always have trouble making friends."  Oh God, I did not want to have that idea of myself!  And it sure seemed like a good possibility that he might be right, since at the time my social life was horrendous.  It made me feel terrible.

Well, maybe these examples from my past are coloring my reaction to your story.  It seems like if you could share your own reaction to your mother's words, if you want, that might help me get past my own bias here and learn something new.  I'm definitely biased here.  Wow, it is no wonder I had trouble forming up a response at first!

Pennyplant 

[pennyplant]

I have been feeling very warm since starting this thread and hearing these responses.  I thought maybe I would worry about it and gage my self-worth on something or other.  But it feels good to have tried this.

Thank you for the hugs and compliments!

(((Hops, Brigid, Jona22, Moon, Sela, IamNewtoMe, and Mud for the inspiration)))

PP