adrift,
You have really had some crosses to bare and they are taking their toll on you. Based on the age of your children, you are probably also reaching that mid-life stage with all the accompanying hormonal changes that do play into how we feel about life.
I agree with what Hop said and agree that you should follow her orders (she can be very bossy when she wants to be). I see that you are on medication, but who prescribed them and is monitoring them? If it is not a licensed psychiatrist, then you may not be on the correct medication for the depression you are suffering. I started on meds prescribed by my ob/gyn when my ex and I started breaking up and I went into situational depression. One made me sick and another made me break out in rashes--neither did anything for the depression or the fact that I couldn't eat anything and was losing weight daily. My therapist finally insisted that I see a psych that he recommended and she got me on the right meds that literally overnight made me start feeling better and eating again.
I, too, never thought I needed therapy. I am a strong woman and can handle my own problems. When virtually overnight, my world started falling apart, I realized I could no longer handle it myself. I got a referral from a therapist friend to another therapist and that relationship literally changed my life. I went to weekly therapy with my T for 21 months, then tapered to bi-weekly, then once per month until we finally decided that I didn't need him anymore after 27 months. In order for the experience to be beneficial, you must feel a connection to the T and have a comfort level that allows you to have an open and honest dialog. You also need to stick with it until you have worked through all the stuff that is damaged deep inside. Just working on the surface problems will not have a lasting effect. It is hard work, but the benefits are huge.
I had the same question that you have--Can I ever love again--or more importantly--will anyone ever love me--again or for perhaps the first time? Based on my experience, the answer is yes to both. In your case, it may even be your H that you can love again, but you need to work on you first, then determine if you want to work on the relationship with your H. You have a history and family with this man, and if he has qualities that you admire and is a good man, with proper marriage counselling, perhaps that relationship can be rekindled and saved.
You and I both know that what you feel for the contractor is nothing close to love. It is a form of lust that is awakening something in you that once again makes you feel alive. It is a momentary fix for the surface pain you are suffering, but could never heal the internal damage you have. Only you can do that--but you need professional guidance and support.
I sincerely hope that you will consider getting help. You are on a downward spiral that you are not going to be able to stop on your own. Your children need their mother--and they need a mom who is happy and healthy. Just going through the motions and pretending to be OK is going to be apparent to them eventually, if not already. What I have learned from my children over the last three years is that they had a very difficult time seeing me so miserable (even though I tried to hide the majority of pain I was suffering when their dad left), they really wanted me to be happy again, and they now see me as a strong woman who has survived a major blow, gotten her feet back under her and found a way to jump start her life at age 55. My 21-year-old son told me recently that he told his new girlfriend that his mom is a survivor and he has great admiration for how far I've come. That made me feel so great.
You have a lot of life left to live--please don't waste it being sad and lonely.
Hugs,
Brigid
