Author Topic: I wonder if I can love anymore  (Read 2821 times)

adrift

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I wonder if I can love anymore
« on: June 03, 2006, 09:36:23 PM »
Seems like so much crap has happened that any love abilities I had have just about dried up.  Course if you read my other thread about the "other man" I almost had an affair with, then that sounds like I can love.  And I tell myself that if I could feel that strongly about him, then I have the abiliity to love.  But then again, as my best friend pointed out, obsession is not the same thing as love and I might have just been obsessed---but it really felt like love. 
I can't seem to love my husband, no matter how much I try.  In years past he was emotionally abusive to me, but that's changed now.  He tries to be supportive and help me and I try to love him and the kids.  I do love my kids, but if I could end my pain without hurting them, then I would.  I go through each day being a fake: smiling, trying to be pleasant/loving/normal, but I'm so tired of it all.  Yes, as mentioned before, I briefly went to therapy and my best friend keeps begging me to go back, but talking about everything isn't going to get me going and make me a happy productive person.  I just live day to day doing as little as possible and trying to not let my 14 year old see what a messed up/depressed mom she has.  I force myself to say happy things and do things with her.  I don't want to be the mother I had.  I didn't so such a good job with my 19 yo daughter.  I acted lots more like my parents back then, but I've slowly changed and I've apologized to her more than once for things I said and did.  She never comes home, can you blame her?  She calls me everyday but I seldom call her because I don't want to hang on to her like my parents did me and make her feel guilty for having a life.  I tell her now, that I just want her to be happy and she knows that I mean that from the bottom of my heart.  Whatever it takes, even if it means staying away from here, I want her to be happy. 


I told DH today that I wish I believed in reincarnation so at least there'd be some hope of coming back in a better life. I just can't move forward.  I just can't be normal.  I hate being around people most of the time because I know they can look  through me and see what a mess I am.  I'm supposed to keep the nursery at church in the morning and I'd rather cut my head off than have to make myself look presentable and be around people and smile and act like I'm a o.k. human being. 

Does it ever end?

Adrift

pennyplant

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Re: I wonder if I can love anymore
« Reply #1 on: June 03, 2006, 09:57:11 PM »
Hi Adrift,

I think it can get better.  It's a long process.  Sometimes the only thing that kept me going was thinking how devastated my husband and sons and a couple of friends would be if I wasn't around anymore.  I imagined them never being happy again because of missing me.  And I sure didn't want that to happen.

When I lost the person who made me feel so happy and alive and beautiful and self-confident, I did tell myself, "Well, at least now I know what happy feels like and when it happens again I will recognize it."  I hadn't really known that feeling previously.  And that feeling does occasionally come over me every so often.  So, it IS in me afterall.  But I'm learning that, for me anyway, I can't force it or tap into it so much as I need to let it rise up on it's own.  I need to let go of the beliefs and behaviors that have been holding down the happiness.  It seems to be slowly working.  But I do have a ways to go.

There's been some real rough patches for me, depression-wise.  If you're having feelings anything like mine were and they are lasting so long, maybe medication or going back to therapy would take off the edge.  When my feelings were at their worst, I had a big distraction in my job.  Work got real hard physically for awhile (even harder than it had been at the beginning) where I was so exhausted by the end of each day it was all I could do to eat supper, take a bath and get myself to bed.  That lasted for SEVEN MONTHS which got me through the worst of it until other things came along to distract me in other ways.

I guess what I'm saying is that if I hadn't had something really major to get me through that rough time, I'm not so sure how I would've ended up.  I hope that my husband would have dragged me to the doctor.  Because that's how serious it was for awhile.  It was not permanent, but it was a big deal.  You know, something big enough that you need some kind of help with.

For tomorrow, maybe set very small goals for yourself to get through it.  It's just one day and maybe by the end of it you will have an idea of what you would like to do to help yourself.  Maybe say some prayers and listen for the answers.

Pennyplant
"We all shine on, like the moon, and the stars, and the sun."
John Lennon

adrift

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Re: I wonder if I can love anymore
« Reply #2 on: June 03, 2006, 10:10:04 PM »
I pray, but I think God hates me lots of times.  I am on Zoloft and Xanax, but life is just one day after another to fake through.  Course it was a happy day when I saw the GC the other day, but that can never work and I have to let that go.  All the things in life I used to enjoy no longer give me any pleasure.  Even when DH was emotionally abusive and such an ass, I still had hope, I still pushed to make things better, I pushed myself to be what he wanted so he would be happy. I could find pleasure in small things.  I would work hard to keep the house nice and the yards too.  Now, I don't care. I just want to crawl under a rock and never, ever come out, never.  Course the last 12 years have been pretty weird--maybe they've slowly taken all my life out of me. Daugher #2 nearly died with a very rare infection around her heart.  Was in the hospital for 2 months and had countless surgeries. Then son was born with Down Syndrome  (he's wonderful, I love him dearly as does DH but it was a HUGE emotionally shock), then the same daughter was diagnosed with a genetic disorder and had to undergo some treatments and now at age 14 she has glaucoma in both eyes but it's being managed well with eye drops,  in 1998 my mom came down with cancer and fought that for two years, as soon as she died my father became the epitome of clingy and demanding and extremely depressed, then he died, then my oldest daughter whom I love so much and felt such a bond with moved off to college and never comes home although she's less than an hour away and I'm realizing our relationship wasn't what I thought it was  :( and then I met and fell in obsession/love with the guy who built our house and that "affair" started 2 years ago and has died a slow, agonizing death.  So I think if life is a win/lose game---it won. I'm beat. 

Not trying to have a pity party, don't care about those anymore.  Pity parties are for those who think that by crying they can get attention and that will make them feel better.  I'm just stating facts.

Adrift

daylily

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Re: I wonder if I can love anymore
« Reply #3 on: June 03, 2006, 10:57:40 PM »
Dear Adrift,

You've been through so much for so long that withdrawal might be a form of self-preservation.  I couldn't begin to tell you how to "handle" all of this, but I beg you to be gentle with yourself and think seriously about getting help.  Do it for your children, for now.  Let the motivation follow.

I replied to you on the "alligator" thread, but I also want to say it here:  It does get better.  Therapy helps.  So does anything that distracts your mind and heart.  But please, don't minimize the extent of this problem.  You've cared for a lot of people for a long time, and I think maybe it's time to care for yourself.  You deserve to be heard and to feel better.  Your children deserve their mother.  You don't have to feel it right now, just believe it enough to make an appointment or pick up the phone.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

best,
daylily

Hopalong

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Re: I wonder if I can love anymore
« Reply #4 on: June 04, 2006, 12:05:19 AM »
Adrift,
I know the waves are endless. You can't see land. They just keep coming, you're just floating up to the top of a swell, and all you know is that there will another salty dark wave, another and another.

BUT. You can't see all of reality from the troughs, you really can't see clearly. Think of it, factually, how many times people who are stuck in something literally cannot see the nearby raft, can't make out the green horizon within swimming distance. It's as true emotionally as it is in physical life.

There is more hope, there is more meaning to your life, than you are seeing right now. But your brain can fool you. Sometimes, you just have to trust that meaning and new life ARE there, just out of sight.

Going to therapy only "briefly" when you are in such pain? Or rather, in such numbness you can't even feel the strength of your pain?

I would plead with you to not believe the pills you take are the only liferaft you have. I hope you will take the steps, even if they're dragging steps, to get yourself into therapy with a wise, compassionate counselor and stay with it, week after week.

One day, you'll have an insight that sends a sparkle of hope through your mind. And then another, and another...just like waves.

Meanwhile, catch this ring....

(((((Adrift))))))

Hops
« Last Edit: June 04, 2006, 12:09:13 AM by Hopalong »
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

reallyME

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Re: I wonder if I can love anymore
« Reply #5 on: June 04, 2006, 07:55:32 AM »
Quote
adrift: I pray, but I think God hates me lots of times.  I am on Zoloft and Xanax, but life is just one day after another to fake through.


adrift, first I'd like to encourage you to read what Hopalong wrote, over and over again about 50 times, seriously.  She is so right about this.

Secondly, I'd like to suggest that it's possible that your meds may be causing you severe depression.  There is a side-effect of depression with some of them.  Maybe you can talk to your prescribing doctor, about finding you a different med, or gradually reducing your doses and see if the depression lifts.  It's possible that, with some counseling, you might be better off without meds.  I can't say for sure, I'm not a doctor, so do check with him/her on this and keep communication with him/her open and honest about how you feel.

Thirdly,  no, God does not hate you.  He doesn't have it in Him to hate someone who is suffering.  God is love.  He hurts when you hurt, and He has an answer for you too.  Don't give up praying to Him and specifically asking Him for direction in this.  I will pray too, that the answer He gives is clear for you to trust and act upon.

Blessya,

~ReallyME

Brigid

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Re: I wonder if I can love anymore
« Reply #6 on: June 05, 2006, 09:37:28 AM »
adrift,
You have really had some crosses to bare and they are taking their toll on you.  Based on the age of your children, you are probably also reaching that mid-life stage with all the accompanying hormonal changes that do play into how we feel about life. 

I agree with what Hop said and agree that you should follow her orders (she can be very bossy when she wants to be).  I see that you are on medication, but who prescribed them and is monitoring them?  If it is not a licensed psychiatrist, then you may not be on the correct medication for the depression you are suffering.  I started on meds prescribed by my ob/gyn when my ex and I started breaking up and I went into situational depression.  One made me sick and another made me break out in rashes--neither did anything for the depression or the fact that I couldn't eat anything and was losing weight daily.  My therapist finally insisted that I see a psych that he recommended and she got me on the right meds that literally overnight made me start feeling better and eating again.

I, too, never thought I needed therapy.  I am a strong woman and can handle my own problems.  When virtually overnight, my world started falling apart, I realized I could no longer handle it myself.  I got a referral from a therapist friend to another therapist and that relationship literally changed my life.  I went to weekly therapy with my T for 21 months, then tapered to bi-weekly, then once per month until we finally decided that I didn't need him anymore after 27 months.  In order for the experience to be beneficial, you must feel a connection to the T and have a comfort level that allows you to have an open and honest dialog.  You also need to stick with it until you have worked through all the stuff that is damaged deep inside.  Just working on the surface problems will not have a lasting effect.  It is hard work, but the benefits are huge.

I had the same question that you have--Can I ever love again--or more importantly--will anyone ever love me--again or for perhaps the first time?  Based on my experience, the answer is yes to both.  In your case, it may even be your H that you can love again, but you need to work on you first, then determine if you want to work on the relationship with your H.  You have a history and family with this man, and if he has qualities that you admire and is a good man, with proper marriage counselling, perhaps that relationship can be rekindled and saved.

You and I both know that what you feel for the contractor is nothing close to love.  It is a form of lust that is awakening something in you that once again makes you feel alive.  It is a momentary fix for the surface pain you are suffering, but could never heal the internal damage you have.  Only you can do that--but you need professional guidance and support.

I sincerely hope that you will consider getting help.  You are on a downward spiral that you are not going to be able to stop on your own.  Your children need their mother--and they need a mom who is happy and healthy.  Just going through the motions and pretending to be OK is going to be apparent to them eventually, if not already.  What I have learned from my children over the last three years is that they had a very difficult time seeing me so miserable (even though I tried to hide the majority of pain I was suffering when their dad left), they really wanted me to be happy again, and they now see me as a strong woman who has survived a major blow, gotten her feet back under her and found a way to jump start her life at age 55.  My 21-year-old son told me recently that he told his new girlfriend that his mom is a survivor and he has great admiration for how far I've come.  That made me feel so great.

You have a lot of life left to live--please don't waste it being sad and lonely.

Hugs,

Brigid

pennyplant

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Re: I wonder if I can love anymore
« Reply #7 on: June 05, 2006, 01:35:39 PM »
It may even be your H that you can love again, but you need to work on you first, then determine if you want to work on the relationship with your H.  You have a history and family with this man, and if he has qualities that you admire and is a good man, with proper marriage counselling, perhaps that relationship can be rekindled and saved.

Adrift, this is very important what Brigid says about having a history and a family with your husband.  If the other qualities are also present, then it really is worth trying again.  It is an amazing thing when two people can grow together, as long as you take care of yourself and both are willing to go forward.  I guess it is because having a history together and a family together is a bond.  You might be able to build on that bond.  It is something to keep in mind anyway.

Pennyplant
"We all shine on, like the moon, and the stars, and the sun."
John Lennon