anony:. How can we tell the difference between powerful 'loving' feelings of missing someone, and unhealthy obsession?
It seems to me that both share some characterisics -what are the differences ?
Now, this is my personal view on this:
Love is selfless, giving to the other person, somewhat sacrificial, a choice to view the other person as very special to you
obsession is smothering, clingy, unbalanced attachment- physical and/or emotional, for another person.
With love, both people are able to come together and enjoy each other's presence, yet also be free to enjoy their own individuality, through personal pursuits, goals, endeavors
With obsession, one or both people feel they literally "cannot live" without each other. Both or one person is hindered from being individual and seeking and following their own pursuits or interests, because they feel that the other person is the very "air I breathe." One or both people cannot bear to be away from the other. It's a feeling that everything you are and can be, is wrapped up in another person, and, without that person, you feel like you are nothing, cease to exist.
(obsessive tendencies are very common in Borderline Personality Disorder and Dependent Personality Disorder)
Also I am struggling with the concept of 'boundaries' - what an elusive notion..
boundaries are personal choices that you make in deciding how close you want a person to be to you, what you will allow a person to act upon in your presence, how much of an involvement in your personal "bubble" another person shall be allowed, and basically, a decision about what you choose to "put up with" from another individual, or "not put up with."
And then we come to 'detachment' in INTIMATE COMMITTED RELATIONSHIPS !! HUH! .
Detatchment is one of my favorite things! NOT! It's hard, painful, tricky to adjust to...but once you have mastered it, it feels a bit easier till it's part of you.
It means that you choose to disconnect your emotions and life from being wrapped up with someone else and their life or healing process. It requires you to come to a place of surrendering that person to God, and taking your hands off the situation regarding them. It means that you no longer try to make them stop their addictions, bad behavior, etc...you let the other person face themselves and their own consequences for their actions, by ceasing to try and rescue them. It means you start really LIVING life. If you were caught up in someone else's life, when you detatch, you begin finding who YOU are and what YOU like to do and you JUST DO IT, whether the other person is part of it or not. I love the saying though, "If you can't totally let go, just hold on LOOSELY." I've had to practice Detatchment many many times.
One of the best books regarding Detatchment, that you can read is Melody Beattie's book, "The Language of Letting Go." Other than my Bible, it's a book I use almost daily now.
BLessya,
Laura
