Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

Staying together just for the Kids?

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phoenix:
bye

tayana:
Thank you to those who offered their support.  There were a couple of things I wanted to reply to.

Guest -- I have a child, and I'm quite well aware of the effect my parents have on him.  I spend a lot of time untaglings lies my mother has told him and reassuring him that I'm not going to leave him.  To play advocate to your post, generally people who "stay together for the kids" never had a healthy family to begin with.  They're the families who divorce after the last child leaves the coop, or else they stay together forever because they don't know how to exist on their own, like my parents.  There are families who come through divorce relatively unscathed.  There were always be hurt and anger in a divorce situation, but families who deal with the problems are likely to still be fairly healthy.  And in my opinion, any family where the parent alienates the child, targets the child, or uses the child as a scapegoat for their emotion is an abusive family.

Phoenix --  I know how you feel.  I felt much the same way when I first came here.  I really didn't think my family was all that bad.  I just thought there was something wrong with me because I felt so badly about my parents.  I'm sorry your father was such a jerk, and I'm glad to hear you've worked through the pain.

Jacmac --  Children in normal, healthy families have problems just like the rest of us.  They get angry, sad, depressed too.  The difference is that their family doesn't ignore or belittle them for having feelings.  In my family, NOTHING was ever talked about, and the things that were, were discussed in ways that made me feel dirty.  "Don't tell your father about . . "  "Don't tell your mother . . ."  It disgusted me.  I hated the lying, the dishonesty, and I couldn't do a thing, because no one listened to me, even though it was okay to dump their problems on me.  Big issues, like my father drinking too much, my mother stealing money, and my own feelings were pushed aside, swept under the rug and not talked about.  For an example, my mother squandered the money my father gave her for the house payment, eventually the bank foreclosed, but she said nothing until they day before they were to be removed from the house.  Then her reaction was to get a gun and try to kill herself.  No one ever talked about it, and all she could say was, "I know your father blames me for losing that house."

Sorry to rant.

As I said earlier, families who talk about their problems have emotionally stable, healthy children most of the time.  I'm sure there are exceptions.  

From where I've come now, I can look back and see all the things about myself that I should have known much sooner.  I should have realized how my mother manipulated me.  I should have been able to stand up for myself.  I never could, and I still can't, not to her.  So much of my own personality was repressed and pushed aside to accomodate how she felt I should act, think, dress, and believe that it's taken me far too long to find the person I should have been.

#1Texan:
From where I've come now, I can look back and see all the things about myself that I should have known much sooner.  I should have realized how my mother manipulated me.  I should have been able to stand up for myself.  I never could, and I still can't, not to her.  So much of my own personality was repressed and pushed aside to accomodate how she felt I should act, think, dress, and believe that it's taken me far too long to find the person I should have been.[/quote]

Tayana,
Please don't beat yourself up about "knowing sooner"  I honestly believe that we don't know any better, how are we as children supposed to know they are manipulating and controling us?  We don't, until we... in my case get out into the real world and see how things are with other people that is when we start to question things.  You seem to recognize now the abuse, and you are trying not to generate any of that to your child.  You are doing your D$%dest to make a loving home.
Take Care

Tex

Anonymous:
all fo us do, none of us would have chosen life like it turned out, or had children knowingly with a person with personality disorder. I'm sure you're doing the best you can, and your child will be fine. Children are very adaptable if their needs are met by someone.

Argusina:
Thank you for so many wonderful posts (very helpful & challenging) - still I have to say that stating that the "children will be fine and are adaptable" is really not something that we can be sure of.

Encouragement lies very close to denial sometimes... better be honest and assess the damage... without guilt but with our newfound responsibility...

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