Creating a self

[pennyplant]

I can tell you what experiences have led me to "feeling" worthy.Well this one happened when my twin passed suddenly and then I or what I called myself disappeared.I was reborn in the way that my twin and I thought of ourselves as one.Then I had to build a twin less twin into me.

Then a lot of good happy sanity with hubby and 2 beautiful Moon children. Then I had too untie the strange and painful knot of my family of origin .Its a hard job but some one has to do it.
I am no longer anyones victim but I am me the real me I am becoming the real me .I am comfortable with love I am not going over and yell at cruel family of origin,family members or n father.

But I get to be free and me .I am not all there yet but I can see the lighted path.

Anyway compassion love fill your self with these and you can not go wrong but PP you already do this...................

Hi Moon, 

I never realized before what it must have been like when you had to become a twinless twin.  It would be like more than half yourself was missing, behind some wall or curtain that you couldn't just move to the side or walk around.  Such a difficult task.

Filling myself with compassion and love--what I can do and say here, I don't do or say so easily with myself.  I am going to teach myself how to do this.  It makes so much sense.  It sounds healing.  And the healing seems like it would make it possible for my best and real qualities to rise to the surface.  I should be my own best friend.

In a way, untieing yourself from the Ns in your life also will allow the best and real qualities of yourself to rise to the surface.  No more fear and pain from them to stifle the real you.

Thanks, (((Moon)))

Pennyplant

[pennyplant]

Learn to accept the result... not to anticipate the result. If you are always trying to match things (or yourself) up to certain ideas, you are sure to be trying to put the wrong pegs in the wrong holes. Turn it around... what DO you like about yourself???? Strengthen and project that person (those qualities).

Sick of hearing from me yet?

Nope, not sick of hearing from you, Beth!!!  This is good that you picked up on how goal-oriented I am.  I think it is my way of over-compensating for possible disappointment, hating the unknown, comparing myself to others, wanting to be perfect.  Trying to match up to certain ideas.  Oh, I do that all the time.  It is so stressful.  I try to anticipate all possible scenarios.  Which is impossible.  And I'm always missing the moment.  That control thing again.  Maybe it comes from a childhood full of hazards--stressed out parents, neighborhood bullies.  It became second nature to me.

Being motivated externally is part of this.  I always have to have a reason to do things, and usually that reason is someone else expects something of me, or I believe they do.  It will take me awhile to unlearn this habit.

Pennyplant

[pennyplant]

OK, here's a ridiculous story about my quest for self.  A few days ago at a restaurant,  I decided to try and think what I really wanted to eat and order that.  I choose spaghetti.  There.  I did it.  It felt like a big step because i did it so intentionally.  Then I discovered that the spaghetti was really really bad, watery, tasteless.  My toddler made a huge mess with it and wouldn't eat it.  I was crushed.  I just knew that I made the wrong choice.  Choosing what I wanted was the wrong decision.  The universe did not want me to have good spaghetti, because I did not deserve it!  Is that nutty thinking or what?!?  My husband and I laughed about my thought processes, but deep down inside, part of me believes it.  I feel like I don't have a self because I don't deserve it. 

.................

Remind yourself that you deserve it, and you deserve to realize your true self.

Hi IamNewtoMe,

Oh, not so ridiculous to me!!!  I understand this story completely because I play that particular tape in my head all the time!  And now I'm learning, that is the wrong tape.  It does not have to be that way anymore.  Well, it never did have to be that way.  But I can go forward with it from now on.  It will be replaced by "beaming" love into myself.  If I can care about other people, I can care about myself.  I deserve it, too.

You know, though, I think that when you have young children, it is really hard to remember who yourself is.  Children need so much of you.  And from you.  If you went into motherhood not being real firm with who you are (I'm kind of wishy washy myself) then it is really easy, and almost simpler to just let yourself fade into the background for those years.  Does your therapist have any suggestions for how to spend some time just being you?  So you don't forget?

The feeling selfish aspect--that is a big one for me.  Because I am beginning to see that if I really just do what I want, well I will do some really SELFISH things.  I could just go a little crazy in that direction.  Maybe it is a matter of degree?

I made a decision at work in the last couple of days.  Without getting too detailed here--where I work, there is a rule that if temporary help is hired then the part-timers(me and the lazy person just below me) have to get 40 hours per week.  But I know for sure that if I didn't make an issue of it then the three of us would be getting about 25 hours or so.  And then the senior people would be on me for NOT complaining about it.

I decided I wanted the hours because it means more pay and it is a rule that makes sense to me.  Temporary help should not be taking work from permanent employees.  So, I talked to co-workers about it first to see if it was still a rule.  Then I spoke to the senior supervisor and she understood what had to happen here.  Then I talked to the supervisor who makes the schedule.  She also understood.  I offered to do various kinds of work and also I do work in other offices.  It should all add up by the end of each week.

After I did all this, I felt--selfish.  For one thing, I'm not advocating for the other part-timer.  She is on her own with that one.  And it may mean less hours for the temp.  Mostly though, I think it felt selfish because it felt unfamiliar.  I'm used to being a welcome mat.

But I am happy that I did it in a professional way.  I've seen other co-workers raising chaos and swearing up a storm to get what they want.  I just kept telling people the same thing and made sure they knew I'm willing to work where needed in order to do this.  And it was well-within policy.  But if I had kept quiet, they wouldn't have bothered to find the hours because it is challenging.  Time off is nice too.  But I just wanted to take this opportunity to try and get something that I was entitled to.  It feels less and less weird all the time.

The one supervisor kind of had to stare at the schedule awhile to find the extra hours.  I told her, I just have to do this, it is my way of learning to stand up for myself.  She said she understands, and I know she does because she has similar issues.  It does feel good to be understood.  If I do this more often maybe it will begin to feel less weird.

Pennyplant

P.S.  Remember, IamNewtoMe, it was only one bad plate of spaghetti.  The next one is sure to be saucy and cheesy and full of meatballs.  Yummm!

[pennyplant]

It seems to me the 20th century should be known most of all as the century of recovery.

Oh, I think you are so right about this.  It seems like now we have the chance to be aware and break the age-old cycles.

PP

[moonlight52]

PP You are so clear you express your ideas and feelings like  clear blue waters on the shores of ancient crete .
      Moon

[pennyplant]

ideas and feelings like clear blue waters on the shores of ancient crete .

Thank you, Moon, for this beautiful image.

PP

[mudpuppy]

It seems to me the 20th century should be known most of all as the century of recovery.

Uh guys, I don't want to wake you up or anything but we're several years into the twenty first century.

mud

[gratitude28]

Wow, so much good stuff here...

I totally relate to "spaghetti thinking." Everything is my fault and a punishment to me Yeah, the whole world revolves around ME ME ME! I'm trying to kill that track in my head too. It's hard for me to accept when things are good too. Somtimes I feel there's a disaster on the brink or people are just trying to be nice for some unfathomable reason.

Adrift... It's great to plan and say, "I want to do ...." However, if you expect that A will happen because you did B, you are bound to get disappointed more than not. So now I try to do A and sit back and wait to see what happens. If I get too caught up in trying to control (as PP said) the outcomes, I am alsways disappointed. And, to tell you the truth, when I don't plan the end, it is often better than what I expected.

Also, when I sweat stuff that I can't control I run into problems. Have you ever noticed that you can get all worked up about money, or some event that you dread, or having to deal with a difficult situation... and, when the time comes to pay the piper... something good intervenes or it turns out not to be as scary as you thought? That happens to me so much now that I have "let go of the reins." Ass much as I'd like to be in charge of everything, things work out a heck of a lot nicer when I am not the one in charge.

Thanks everyone for more lovely posts and ideas. I enjoy hearing from you all so much. You really brighten my days!
Love, Beth

[moonlight52]

Hi Mud    I know its the the 21st century .I was using poetic license even tho mine has expired .
    Love Moon 

[gratitude28]

You are so funny, moon!

[pennyplant]

I was using poetic license even tho mine has expired .

It is a hassle waiting in line to renew.....

PP

[Hopalong]

PP:

I told her, I just have to do this, it is my way of learning to stand up for myself.  She said she understands, and I know she does because she has similar issues.  It does feel good to be understood.

How wonderful, that you expressed this so clearly and were heard!   

Mud:
Details, details...

Beth:
I couldn't have agreed with you before today, but after all the help with intention and an unexpected reprieve from what I fear, I am starting to! Thanks for this:

Have you ever noticed that you can get all worked up about money, or some event that you dread, or having to deal with a difficult situation... and, when the time comes to pay the piper... something good intervenes or it turns out not to be as scary as you thought?

Hops

[IamNewtoMe]

Pennyplant,

Standing up for yourself at work?!  That's great!  As you said, it does make sense to talk about selfishmess in terms of degree.  Maybe it is a healthy kind of "selfish" to stand up for what you are entitled to and play nice, but ask for what you deserve (as opposed to selfishly manipulating, going behind people's backs, yelling, etc.).  Sounds like you exercised a totally healthy amount of "selfishness".  I am inspired by you!

And regarding, kids, yes, it is super hard to put my needs first sometimes.  With adults you can say, well they're on their own on this one, but you can't really do that with kids.  Thanks for asking about my strategies for spending time with myself - reminds me that I need to do that (oops! fading into the background again!).  I am supposed to be taking a couple hours to myself now and then (husband or babysitter takes the baby), so I can think about and do stuff that I like to do.  Whatever that is....!?  Maybe I'll just try another restaurant's spaghetti....

thanks again for sharing your experiences.  I am learning a lot here.

[IamNewtoMe]

I totally relate to "spaghetti thinking." Everything is my fault and a punishment to me Yeah, the whole world revolves around ME ME ME! I'm trying to kill that track in my head too. It's hard for me to accept when things are good too. Somtimes I feel there's a disaster on the brink or people are just trying to be nice for some unfathomable reason.

Thanks for this, Beth!  You expressed a lot of what I was thinking, but couldn't find the words for myself.