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Help! Son engaged to N and doesn't recognize the abuse

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Dianne:
My step-son is getting married in 7 months to a girl who has NPD (my diagnosis).  She displays every classic sign.  She is verbally & emotionally abusive to him, but she has him convinced that she suffers from depression, and he blames the depression for the abuse he suffers.  His life is completely controlled by her emotions, her needs, etc.  She is demanding of everyone around her and if she doesn't get what she wants NOW!, there's hell to pay.  She has attempted to turn my step-son against me (very subltly) because she can't control me.  Anyway, I won't go into great detail, but due to some recent occurances, it has come to light that no one in his family, nor most of his friends, even like the girl.  We are all of the same opinion that she treats him like dirt, as well as uses him and others around her.  She has alienated everyone in his life.  However, he doesn't know all this. (They're travelling)

The dilemma that his mom, dad & I now face is frightening.  We don't want him to marry this girl because we know how manipulative she is and she will ruin his life and the lives of the children they are planning on having.  The problem is he is an adult and there is nothing we can really do to stop this disaster from happening.

We want him to know how destructive an N can be in a relationship.  

How do we approach him with the subject?[/list:u]Where do we get information that would be understood by someone who might be unwillingly to believe it?[/list:u]Is there anything that would make her (as the N) end the relationship?[/list:u]
We know we will have some "broken pieces" to help heal if they do end the relationship, but we all honestly believe that it would better now than after the marriage.

Any help would be appreciated.  We are really concerned about his future with this abusive girl.

Thanks,
Dianne

Dianne:
Jacmac,
Unfortunately, I do agree with you, that it is his life and he is entitled to make his own mistakes & his own successes, but I think we just want him to be fully aware of what he is getting into, and to do it with his eyes wide open.
Thanks for your honest opinion.

Dianne

Simon46:
Dianne:

This is a tough one. I wonder if there might be a diplomatic way that you could suggest some kind of generalized pre-marital counseling that might open his eyes to something he is not able to see right now. It’s not a bad idea for anyone considering marriage and it might bring some things to light for them. Of course, you also run the risk of alienating them both. It is a very delicate situation

Anonymous:
Hi Dianne,

Yow, this is a loaded situation!  

Basically I agree with Jacmac.  you just might have to let go.  In addition, though, I would like to point out that many churches have marriage preparation courses that engaged couples participate in.  In fact, it is required if you are to marry in a Catholic church.  I know of a few couples in which one fiance realized that the quality of communication was much different than what s/he observed in other couples and called it off.  This was considered a success because it prevented a painful union.

That being said, there are a few Ns that have married into my extended family.  I have observed that one is happy because she has married the warrior who could fight her family on her behalf without being the enemy herself.  In a few other cases, the hapless one had been trained since childhood to accept this bad behavior.  And if they don't want to sacrifice themselves for the benefit of another, they are the selfish and bad people.  Also rescuing people can be an ego-rush.  

But how to rescue a rescuer?

You might want to read Difficult Conversations to prepare for any kind of discussion with him.  It may help you to own your feelings without alienating him or making him feel criticized for his choice.  Perhaps suggest that he ask her how she envisions their future together, including interactions with his friends, his family, his colleagues and people who love him and meet his emotional needs.  Or ask him how he feels about not seeing so and so any more, and gently point out a pattern of events........

But in the end, it's his choice.  Many of my family members after a very long time had to realize that while particular relationships may not be to our liking, it may be to theirs.  We don't know God's plan for everyone.  Perhaps your step-on needs to do this to learn some powerful lessons.  I do know what you are going through as I have witnessed it more than once.  

Good luck and my prayers are with you as you find your own path through this very difficult situation.  S.

Anonymous:
Whoops,

a little Freudian typ-o there.  I meant to type step-son, not step-on!!  :oops:   Seeker

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