Hi

[jon]

Hi, I just signed up to this thing, thought I'd say hello.
Thought it might be cathartic to talk with the people on this board, since I guess we might have some stuff in common.
Im just gonna let fly with some crap, I hope you'll humour me for a sec.
I had a tough childhood, in terms of the whole not being heard thing. I never had a term to apply to the way I feel about my childhood, but since reading a bit of the stuff on this site, 'voicelessness' seems as good a term as any.
My parents got divorced when I was 3 and my mum moved us to the US from Sydney, leaving my dad behind. Long story short, I never really knew him at all until I was 10. My mum had nuerotic, emotionally detached parents and my dad sort of shatterted her emotionally, so she was never a healthy conduit for me. I guess I retreated within myself after that, turned to escaping life, did alot drinking, partying, smoking dope, taking ecxtasy, all kinds of stuff to get away from my emotions.
Anyway, Im 23 now, going to uni (finally) and Im trying to be more responsible, stopping bad habits, connecting emotionally.
I still struggle though with a feeling of emptiness though, like Im missing something. I tend to push people away who get close to me, especially women. I have had a series of brief and emotionally detached relationships, and it's always me who ends up walking away. Nothing scares me more than someone who shows me love. This is something I can't really admit to people, but it's good to vent I guess, and this board seems as good a place as any.
Anyway, Im done.
Anyone else relate to what Im saying? Id be grateful for a bit of constructive feedback, or just to here someone else's story. Or failing that, anyone got any good jokes?

[mudpuppy]

Well, I don't have any constructive feedback but................. a Hindu, a Jew, and a Narcissist's car broke down near a farm, so they asked the farmer if they could stay in his barn until the....................oh wait a minute you wanted a good joke. Never mind.

mud

PS. There are some sharp gals here who are more than willing to tell you what to do. Just wait a little bit.
Seriously, you'll get some good advice, just not from me.

[movinon]

Hi Jon and welcome.

It makes sense to me that you push people away and walk away first.  That way you can avoid being abandoned like your parents did to you.  If you push people away, they can't hurt you right?  If you open your heart and are vulnerable, people can hurt you. 

IMO, the trick is getting to a place where you canrecognize healthy people from unhealthy people.  And the BIGGEST part is continuing to get healthy yourself.  That means starting to FEEL you feelings.  You will survive.  Yes it sucks, but it's better than the alternative.  I have people I call when I feel like I'm about ready to jump out of my skin.  I go to 12-step meetings.  I journal.  I cry, cream, do whatever I need to and I know it's nice to be in the land of the feeling.

Don't worry about doing it "right" or "pretty".  It comes the way it comes.  And be kind to yourself.  Nurture yourself.  You deserve that.

You seem to not have had good role models of unconditional love, so it makes sense that it would be scary to you.  It's new and unfamiliar.  It's easier to accept the crap becuase that's familiar/comfortable.

But the truth is you deserve more...regardless of what you got from your parents.

Take care of yourself,

Movinon

[Sugarbear]

Just wanted to say "welcome."

I can also understand shutting down emotionally - I have always had difficulties maintaining even basic friendships. There are some pretty nice people on this board, and I hope you can get some validation and advice that help you. I know I have.

Good for you getting your life straightened out. I hope this is the beginning of a long and wonderful journey for you.

[Healing&Hopeful]

Hi there and welcome to the board.....

Relate.... well, it sounded like you were describing me until I was 20... seriously!  

Anyway, Im 23 now, going to uni (finally) and Im trying to be more responsible, stopping bad habits, connecting emotionally.
I'd advise baby steps.... good on you for going to Uni, but sometimes it is two steps forward and one step back.  My first advice would be to love yourself enough to stop bad habits... You are worthy of good people in your life but you are also responsible for your life, whatever happened in your past.  You can create your own future and you can change by you welcome the good people, the people who care.  I do think going to Uni is a brilliant start, and I do feel that with responsibility and stopping bad habits comes connectly emotionally.  How's Uni going for you?  Do you enjoy it.

Take care

H&H xx

[Hopalong]

Hi Jon,
I just want to say uber-bravo to you for searching out a place like this and sharing what you're coping with so openly and honestly.

What that says to me, if you overcome the common barriers that many young man feel about "getting help"---is that you are on your way to becoming one very whole, sane and much happier man.

GOOD for you for investing in your own healing this way. It'll pay off, I swear.
(As would meeting with a good counselor to talk...you have an open mind, I think, so I hope you'll take advantage of that possibility too when you're ready).

Welcome!

Hopalong

[Certain Hope]

For now, just wanted to say, Welcome, Jon 

Hope

[adrift]

Welcome Jon, 


  I haven't been here very long, but I have learned a great deal already.  Glad you're here and hope you'll stay around a while.   As has already been said, take it as it comes and don't force too much.  Allow yourself to hurt, to feel pain, and to accept yourself as you are at this moment. The healing will follow.   I'm 20 years older than you and it's taken me this long to quit running and to decide to like myself and to stop blaming myself for everything bad that's ever happened.  Anger used to be my primary feeling/response and I didn't even realize just how much that was true until I started healing.  Anger is a great tool for avoiding intimacy, but it's not much fun. 

Adrift

[gratitude28]

Welcome Jon!
You hit the right spot... lots of great helpful people here who DEFINITELY know how you feel. And may I say, it is SO WONDERFUL that you are cleaning up your act now and treating yourself right. I had to go through it a lot longer than you, and wish I had been smarter earlier on.
As for lonliness... My whole way through high school and college, I had this "homesick" feeling for something that didn't exist. I never knew WHAT it was that I was missing, but there was a constant emptiness. However, I can tell you that after college, I moved away (far, far), found a fabulous man and got married. I felt better, but still not whole. This is probably way off int he future for you (and don't rush it!!!! ) but once I had my children, my life truly felt complete. I give them all the love and guidance that I didn't have. I answer their questions, kiss and hug them, treat them like individuals, and teach them to be kind and generous. I am also going through the process of recognizing undesirable behaviors in myself and letting them go bit by bit. I am trying to remember it is a lifelong process and I need to look for progress, and not expect perfection.
I am so glad you are here!
Beth

[jon]

Hey thanx alot for the support and the advice, I really apreciate it.

Hi Jon,

Is your Dad still in your life?  And you say your Mom was not a good conduit for you?  Could you say more about that?

I'm glad you're in school.  Are you taking classes this summer?

My dad is in my life, I live back in Sydney now. It's just that I don't really trust the guy now, he's kind of like my uncle or something.
In regards to my mum, she had a rough childhood and dad burned her real bad, so she just couldn't provide me with a healthy mum, you know? God knows she tried.
It's actually winter here in Australia, and Im on a break, I start classes again in a couple of weeks.

Once again thanx.

[penelope]

sorry, all I have are engineering jokes:

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The second engineer nodded approvingly, “Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girl friend, but a talking frog...that's cool.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
   he he

Welcome jon.  You sound very mature for your age.  Emotionally mature, I mean.  That's a wonderful characteristic to have.   This is a very supportive place if you need to vent or just bounce ideas off people.  It's also an OK place to learn about and practice boundaries, I've found anyway.

penelope bean

[jon]

Thanx Penelope, good jokes, Im gonna have to use em. Also, thanx for the kind words.
I had to rush my response before (on my way to work) so I'll quickly take the time to thank you all, Mudpuppy, movinon, sugarbear, suggare, healing and hopeful, hopalong, certain hope, adrift, gratitude28, cheers for the replies, it really did pick me up.
I was having one of those introspective moments last night, sort of at a crossroads in my life and the annonimity of this board was a perfect place to just vent what I had to say. I wouldn't normally gush like I did (Me Man! Strong man!) but I don't have a counceler (what student can afford one?) and it felt good to be able to unload some stress.
Healing and hopeful, uni is going good, now that I have quit smoking pot and started taking better stock of myself.
Everyone else, I really have taken time to read your responses and I will certainly take your adive on board. Thank you once again.

[Healing&Hopeful]

Hi Jon

I’m glad Uni is going well…. I do believe that if we have some direction in our lives, doing something to get somewhere, it can be easier to dispose of the baggage of our past.

If you did want to go for counselling, have you enquired if your Uni offers free counselling?  Maybe an avenue to explore if you did want to do that.

Take care

H&H xx

[moonlight52]

HI JON, You do have a good understanding of your family history.

It takes some folks years to get to where you are .

So yes you have great strength there .Welcome Jon .Glad you are doing well in school .

 I have a daughter at university  .
             Love and Light
               MoonLight

[jon]

My dad is in my life, I live back in Sydney now. It's just that I don't really trust the guy now, he's kind of like my uncle or something.
In regards to my mum, she had a rough childhood and dad burned her real bad, so she just couldn't provide me with a healthy mum, you know? God knows she tried.
It's actually winter here in Australia, and Im on a break, I start classes again in a couple of weeks.

Hi Jon,

You are the same age as my children and you are asking the right questions. (In my humble opinion!).  I find it very touching that you characterize your mother so kindly and that you have your boundaries  to your dad.  I always told my kids never to say never and in your journey to find to find resolution with what has happened to you, you show much willingness to accept that your parents were not perfect.   I think you have taken the biggest leap of faith in doing so.  And I think that is a good thing. 

Many years ago, I went to a therapist to try to find resolution to a conflicted upbringing.  I have never forgotten what she asked me which was:   What did you do?  It was an epiphany for me at the time.  I didn't take it as a rebuke that I was in the wrong; I suddenly understood that my part in any problem was under my control.    It was a real awakening moment.  So again, I think you're asking the right questions and you are going to be absolutely fine since you seem to have the humility to understand that your parents did the best they could with what they knew at the time. 

It's finally summer where I am!  What do you want to study?  I've always wanted to see a kangaroo. 

Hi suggare, sorry about the lateness of my reply.
Your comments about realising my parents are only human is a very good one, and it's something that took me a while to come to terms with, especially in respects to my dad. I heard something interesting in  philosophy the other day, you can only forgive someone for something that is unforgivable, an idea I sort of understand these days.
Im actually a history/english major and will be a teacher one of these days. I guess my lot in life has given me the conviction to be an idealist, and I really want to make a difference, even if that means just helping a few kids have an easier time than I did. Pity about the salary. 
BTW kangaroos aren't really that interesting, think deer that can hop. They taste ok though, especially in a stir fry.

Cheers moonlight, it's something Im working on, every day. The only thing Im struggling with is that it sort of seems like I've got alot on my plate.
Just last night I met a girl, something happened and now Im stressing again. I jsut don't know if I can handle a new relationship on top of uni, trying to break bad habits, coming to terms with my OCD (i hadn't mentioned that yet) and everything else. As healing and hopeful said Im afraid it will be two steps forward and one step back. The thing is she's on my best mate's sisters and i don;t want to hurt her and my usual M/O of avoiding her when it gets too heavy is neither practical, fair or emotionally responsible. Jeez, life can be crazy huh?