Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
"Don't Tell! Don't Feel! Don't think!" Common?
Discounted Girl:
Ah, yes the dreams. I had lots of dreams about people chasing and persecuting me -- the man in the black coat and black hat who would almost get me and I would fly up into a tree and he would wait on the corner under a streetlight. I still have that dream. From about age 7-9 I had the same dream over & over about my mother watching me, looking down from a 2nd story window while I was in the front yard raking leaves with my dad. We never had a 2nd story house, so I don't know what that was all about, but in the dream I would look up and she was glaring at me with pure hatred in her eyes. I told my dad about the dreams, and you know what he told me? "You have those dreams because of your hostile relationship with your mother -- you should try harder to get along with her." Can you believe that? Yep, he sure said it. Why didn't he tell her to stop it? Plus, there were so many other members of the family who knew how she treated me, they told me so, yet nobody told her to backoff. She N'd them too, but I was a kid. Even now, they want to attribute it to her "problems" "mental condition", bla bla -- nobody but me will come out and say she is just a total B I T C H, always and it appears forever !! I'm supposed to put it behind me, forget it, forgive her, overlook her, feel sorry for her -- I don't think so. Well, like Joe Nichols says, Here's to the past, they can all kiss my GLass. Shame, pox and everything else on them. :?
Anastasia:
I was told by my stepfather to never talk to my Nmother badly or backtalk her; Nmother told me to never say anything disrespectful to abusive stepfather. They double-teamed me, so I would be in a bind in order to control me. And they "said" they "wondered" why I never liked them? Or, as abusive stepfather said, "You've hated us all your life."
Gee, wonder why? Course this was one of the nicer things they did to me.
Regardless, remember always that often it is the VICTIM who sees things the most REALISTICALLY and is the HEALTHIEST person in the family!!!!
:wink:
phoenix:
bye
seeker:
Dear Anastasia & all,
--- Quote ---And they "said" they "wondered" why I never liked them? Or, as abusive stepfather said, "You've hated us all your life."
--- End quote ---
This is just classic and I hate it! It makes the victim feel guilty for having a normal response to abuse!! UGH!!!! It makes me so upset to hear they did this to you! The N in my life tried to lay this on my kids and I cut it off like a head off a snake. It was too late for me but I'll be damned if N does this to my kids.
I'm so glad we can recognize it now and work on getting rid of the poison. Peace, Seeker.
I_am_mine:
Most definitely - "what goes on in this house STAYS in this house...or ELSE!" In my teenage years, when it was appropriate for me to "experiment" to learn who I was, there were two situations where my Ndad found out certain things, and actually told me that if anyone found out, we'd have to move to a different state, he'd lose his job, and our family would be virtually pariahs, because of my absolutely normal curiosity and behavior. :cry: :evil:
We were only allowed to think "his" thoughts, because those were the only thoughts that were right, only allowed to voice "his" opinions because, of course, he didn't really believe in opinions, only in black & white "rules". He treated mom that way, too, and I'm just now realizing that she spent 54 years as an extremely emotionally abused woman.
We spent so much time walking around that big "elephant in the living room", :oops: never acknowledging when it would leave a pile of steaming dung, :shock: that I'm just now trying to learn to trust my own instincts and knowledge, and that I actually have the right to have my own feelings, opinions, and knowledge, even if it's different than Ndad's. :D :D :D
I've gone thru most of my 48 years not trusting my gut instinct, my perfectly decent brain, my emotions, my opinions...I feel like I've spent most of my life as a "nobody", obviously with no VOICE!
What a horribly hateful way to live...and what a freeing feeling to find out I'm not committing a horrible crime to have my OWN opinion, raise my kids in the way I see fit, not his way of "putting them thru the school of hard knocks at home, to toughen them up, because if you don't, the world will tear them apart!" Raise my kids with love and acceptance? :shock: No, that doesn't fly with Ndad, and I've had to cut off all contact between him and my kids, as he was trying his best to turn them into "nobodies", too. That they're boys was even worse, cause they could NEVER measure up to his perfection.
"Don't ask, Don't tell, Don't Think, Don't Feel, Don't LIVE!" is the way I was raised...but I finally see that I'm not a mute nobody, and I owe it to myself, and my sons, to take the responsibility to fix the damage that's been done....and that Ndad STILL tries to do! :x
It's a dirty job, but *I* have to do it! And I'm proud to be able to believe I'm up for the task, no matter how hard it is, or how long it takes. :wink: :) :D
bobbie
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