old style stuff: support needed with N

[penelope]

hey mum,

I reread what I wrote and decided I better add more (maybe for the benefit of others as I know you already know this  ).

Just because we have uncomfortable (as opposed to bad, ugly, negative - which all imply "wrong" and feelings aren't wrong, they just are, all feelings are OK) feelings, doesn't mean we have to act on them in destructive ways.

We can have uncomfortable feelings and they can be powerful catalysts to positive changes.  So harness that energy mum.

you're great - a great mum and a wonderful person for dealing with your ex-cow pie so eloquently.

pen

[mum]

Thanks for the bolstering....sooooo much. I know very well that he is behaving out of a deep down FEAR. He doesn't realize, however, that the more he tightens his grip on these kids, the more they want to get away. He just cannot see that at all.
He demands to see them, insists they be compliant, and then wonders why they don't particularly want to be around him.
So add stupid to the list of his attributes.

[Healing&Hopeful]

Thanks for the bolstering....sooooo much. I know very well that he is behaving out of a deep down FEAR. He doesn't realize, however, that the more he tightens his grip on these kids, the more they want to get away. He just cannot see that at all.

Hi ((((Mum))))

I'm not sure if this will be any help, but how I look at it with my bio dad is that it is his loss, not mine.  He can be as afraid as he likes but unless he changes his attitude, unless he does something different, the outcome will never change.

Take care

H&H xx

[mum]

Okay, I feel kinda bad pulling this back up top....but I need some salve for my wounds... or just some sane advice.

I got sucked into an email debate with the jackass. I alluded to my sons' apparent concern for his father's feelings over his own ....and the N came back with an unbelievable attack about how lucky we are that we have raised a kind hearted boy who cares about others..>UNLIKE his sister!!
DAMN...I couldn't let that go: I suggested he never let our D catch wind of that opinion of her, and basically that just because she is not easily manipulated or controlled (I never said by him) that doesn't mean she isn't a sensitive person.

Then I got a TIRADE just now about how DARE I insinuate that his children are afraid of him or controlled by him (things I NEVER said) and that my D has a closed mind to "other ways of thinking" because she has been under MY influence since she was little.

All of these emails go to the judge who will be our mediator next week, and in addition, each of us can write this mediator a letter stating our position. I am not sure exactly what to do.

I feel like I got suckered into this spitting into the wind contest with an N (I'm sure you all know that feeling>>>???)
and I think I just need to get out of the way.

I guess my only position that I would write to the judge is that I want my daughter to have as normal a life as she can have....and that she have a say in it....and that she is happy about that.
I don't want to talk about him, or why he and I don't get along, as I don't think that's the point...we are trying to work out a long distance parenting plan. But do I need to do damage control now with these nutso emails? I assure you, he sounds like a moron on the defense for himself....and I stick to the kids and protecting their feelings. Am I being myopic here? I acknowledge my part in the debate. I know better than to even DISCUSS anything with him....ever. I got totally suckered into what he absolutely LOVES....arguing. And it's not worth it ever, with an N. They don't play fair....they don't think normally. Will a judge see that?

I think whether the judge can see that or not isn't the point. I think judges don't like to get into who hates who. I think they want to hear the POINT....what the child will do next year. Thats all.

WHY do you think my ex is going nuts like this? Because the date of our move is coming up? Because he can never be corrected by ME? (of course not, he is never wrong). Because my son had actually has strep throat and the Nidiot didn't even look at his throat when he had a fever at his house...and I took one look at him and sent him for a culture?
Is he jealous that the kids want to be around me?

IS there NO explanation other than he is an NNNNNNNNN!!!???

[Hopalong]

Aw, Mum, I'm sorry.
Maybe you could just say to the judge that your mistake was trying to discuss your boy's wellbeing, because it's part of the pattern for his father to put himself first and he simply is not able to see what it does to the kids.
And then repeat what you want most to happen for your D, and how you want her own wishes to matter, especially because her father plans to be out of the country a great deal of the time, and dshe oes not have a close relationship to her stepmother. (You are her mother, she wants to be with you.)

BUT. Somebody with knowledge of how these things go should know more than I do, as I've never dealt with a custody fight. I don't know how my suggestions would be viewed; someone else might.

What I expect is that judges are used to some last-minute meltdowns on the part of battling exes as things get closer to resolution. And that you didn't come across as a nutter so much as a mother under great stress as the deadline nears. The judge knows these patterns and probably won't hold it against you, I'd think. (And he's still got the forensic accountant to peel his eyes wider open.)

((((((Mum, hang in)))))))

Hops

[Healing&Hopeful]

Oh Mum… what a nightmare!  (((((((Mum)))))))  Ok… I’m going to go with practical advice here…. Remember, you haven’t done anything wrong.  As these emails are going before a judge, if it were me, I would email back and say something along the lines of sorry he interpreted your email that you were insinuating he was controlling and manipulative, however it was not your intention and easily miscommunicated in an email (this shows the judge that you are insightful to how it may have come across), however it is not acceptable for him to email you in this way about things you never said (assertiveness/boundary) and that it’s about what is best for the kids.  Then say about it’s down to the judge and you will respect the judges will act in the best interests of your kids (which doesn’t give him anything to come back on).

Then write the mediator about what you want for your children, about why you are moving (the benefits for your kids from your new house) and that you are not trying to take the kids away from their dad, the kids are your main priority and they are happy about the move etc etc …. I’m sure that the move will be having some kind of impact.  Even if he wasn’t an N, the dad would have very strong feelings about his ex wife and kids moving away and the effect on his relationship with his kids, so I think with an N, this is ten fold.

Keep calm…. Keep smiling…. And get a voodoo doll made of him to stick pins in!

(((((((((((Mum)))))))))))))

Love H&H xx

[Brigid]

Mum,

WHY do you think my ex is going nuts like this? Because the date of our move is coming up? Because he can never be corrected by ME? (of course not, he is never wrong). Because my son had actually has strep throat and the Nidiot didn't even look at his throat when he had a fever at his house...and I took one look at him and sent him for a culture?
Is he jealous that the kids want to be around me?

IMVHO, it is because he knows this is the button to push with you that will get a reaction.  He knows that if he pushes you where the kids are concerned, makes unreasonable demands, trys to push them away from you, or take away involvement you would want to have (like taking your son to school), that you will get angry and protective and he ultimately gets what he wants, which is the fight.

In answer to if he will ever stop--he will have to at some level when the kids are adults and neither of you has any control over their decisions and behaviors.  Their decision will be to spend time with you and probably not with him--and he will not be able to control that and then he will go off the deep end.  It is all about control with him and as he sees that slipping away slowly as the kids get older and more capable of standing up to him, it is making him nuts.

I would agree with the advice to hire a forensic accountant.  My attorney did this during our divorce proceedings and it definitely helped my case.  They get very nervous about someone poking into their financial affairs and discovering what they are hiding.  You've already spent a fortune trying to get this a$$hole out of your life, what's a few thousand more?  Maybe just the threat will be enough.

Hugs,

Brigid

[Healing&Hopeful]

Hi Mum

I noticed you had replied to a couple of posts... how are you doing today?

Love H&H xx

[mum]

thanks, H&H , I was getting to that...
I decided that the email exchange was getting out of hand, and knowing him, would go on forever....
So I simply wrote that I thought the "discussion" was not productive and acknowledged my part in it, but wouldn't respond to it anymore. I would only stick to the issue at hand (visitation).

I talked to my lawyer today, and she will write something with me to give to the judge/mediator. He asked for a statement from each of us (if we choose) that would be kept confidential from the other person. I am certain my ex will make some jabs at my character as a parent, but I know for a fact, that would backfire....so I won't go there. My attorney will write part of it from a lega stand point and I will, of course, make a more emotional appeal, focused on the needs and rights of my teenage daughter to have a say in her life.
We actually agreed to allow the mediator to speak with my daughter...I don't know if he forgot that, but it is court ordered.
Soooo...

In the future, I won't get into anything like that with him. And if he pushes that stuff on me, I will consider it harrassment (although if I participate, it is not, and is fair game). I think that should do it.
(ha)

I appreciate the concern...so much.

[mum]

And I should probably add that we are (again) subpeona-ing (sp?) information about his money and his prospective adoption..
that usually sends him running.

[mountainspring]

Hi Mum....

I'm sorry you have to deal with such a loser.  I'm keeping my fingers crossed that the judge sees right through him and things go well for you in court.  Good luck.

[Sela]

Hiya Mum:

Boy this is tough eh?  But you're doing well, I think.  You sound so level headed (even when you're expressing your feelings).   I think I'd be ranting and raving in your shoes!  He p's me off just reading about the jerk!!

Here's what I noticed:

I suggested he never let our D catch wind of that opinion of her

What if you stop helping him?  This is what he thinks and what he feels and sooner or later, she's going to know it.  Sooner may be better?  I don't know.  I say, stop protecting him and let him dig his own grave with his ignorant mouth!

Also:

From your daughter's point of view:  Does she feel controlled and bullied by him?  Afraid of him?  Would this be helpful to put in your letter to the judge, if so?  Just thinking.  Her opinion counts so why not put it in there?

(((((((((((((((((Mum))))))))))))))))))

Excellent ending the insanity!!  I love how you ended that email stuff!!  Way to go Mum!!
We all do it....forget they're not human and try...one more time.....to be reasonable.

I think you did an excellent thing by coming here to post and putting an end to that nonsense.

Hope things go well in mediation.  Is it this week, I think you said? 

Sending you lot's and lot's of light and good energy and keeping you in my prayers Mum.

Sela

[Certain Hope]

Hey Mum,

   Maybe keep those financial inquiries on auto-redial for the next while?? That oughtta keep him hopping!    I am certain that all will go well!

Love, Hope