financial exploitation

[pavelle]

I'm one duped woman. I never have dealt with this in my life, these feelings. I never have been railroaded out of money since I don't have any, still don't. I really don't like money stuff, I came from a family with means and like many things from my family of origin, rejected the pursuit of money or much having to do with it. I am pretty generous, but not moronically so. I've been imperfect myself, having struggled with my own substance abuse issues, but even back then, with all the dependency of addiction, I was a lousy exploiter with regard to money. As a child of N FOO, I was terrified of being beholden to anyone. I never lent large sums, or even moderate sums because I didn't want resentments or hurt feelings after an early lesson, lending $1000 to a fellow alcoholic at 18 (when that was a huge sum) basically destroyed our friendship.

This is no longer my narrative. When I met my current husband (soon to be ex) he was and adult entering grad school (in his 30's) recently bankrupted (cited because he had to do this to go to grad school - read early red flag ignored) and had no money. I was a single mom with kids and a job in a non-profit and basically on the poverty line, but with an apartment and getting by. Eight months into the relationship, when his very teenage like roommate lease ran out he moved in with me. He was in a battle with his roomate, later to find out over money and a finagled (read basically stolen) computer deal went south and he had been caught. This was translated to me as her "un-requitted love for him and difficulty with his moving in with me" (insert complex psychology of roomates process) another *red flag* I got scrambled egg facts about and, of course, believed in the best of him.

Well I'm sure there is not a reader who doesn't know what happened: I supported him through grad school, we got married with all sorts of talk about how when he was finished I could return to school...The wedding/honeymoon he contributed nothing of his own, I paid for - though it was totally his need to marry, but I didn't think anything bad about supporting him - why would someone marry you? That was wholely unnecessary...unless he loved me, which in his own weird way he does, unfortunately he is not really capeable of regular love, since that involves a "give back" capacity..

Upon his graduating, 2 months post the wedding, when the give back time hit - well the unravelling began. In every direction. He spent his new job money like some coke head with a mastercard. I got laid off from budget cuts, I was enrolled in school, had unemployment, and then had to take additional student loans to cover the losses. This went on for the first 6 months. Then, when I got sick and had to have an operation, he left me. With nothing. I did have one saving grace: I had done the taxes for that year and had put the refund direct deposit into my account, I refused to share it with him - that literally saved me from absolute abyss. He just plopped back to mom and dads.

I picked up the pieces, got a break from the heaven's and temporary re-hire from my old job came through a few months into this disaster. I have a 6 yr old, who is not his to support. He is also in recovery and made a gesture of amends and gave me $1000 about 4 months ago, but I think that was motivated by the pretty shortly followed desire to reconcile. That desire is not totally gone but waning, since I have rejected the offer so my "use" is pretty limited to him. My value to him is basically: sexual (huge) since he has not found a new source and has gotten fat with mom and dad and my dominance (popularity) in one of his favourite areas of NSpace: AA, which he has really come to disfavour in so has retreated from, due to not wanting to face the "fallout" of his actions. The prior roomate is also in AA ..so his monkey business kinda...well its a small town, AA is even smaller.

He's feeling better, he wants back in AA, he wants a new image of humility to show. Weird huh? He also is utterly ignorant of his own process mostly, he has a good sponsor and a therapist. I have very limited time left, the "show" is beginning again as he is re-entering.  I have been really decent to him and asked for absolutely nothing financially in the divorce. There is no shared property, so now I am left with the awful position of appealing to "morals" - his. This is almost absurd to try to do. What I am considering is trying to frame it all around appearances, the program, his ability to "make things ok" I'm talking chump change here, unfortunately a chump change that I desperately need

I also need to let go of this working. I need to ask once and let it alone if it gets nowhere and understand I'm opening myself up to be bruised with that horrible vision of his selfishness again, which is always so damn painful. Not tie my personal "worth" to this very high chance of failure. I also want to try, because there is something disgusting about not ever having tried, its like "oh sure its all just fine..I won't bother you with silly details"

How have others soothed themselves with this harsh exploitation and disregard and the real financial fallout?

Pavelle

[penelope]

hi pavelle,

this sounds very tough.  Worrying about money is universal, I think.  Whether we're going through a divorce or not, and it sounds like you've suffered a lay-off recently which is stressful in itself for many complicated reasons (I'm thinking that I myself accredit a lot of my own self-esteem to working).

I'm thinking that perhaps the answer to money problems is divorcing yourself from your ex.  I mean truly divorcing yourself from him, and not relying on him as a supply of money.  I think this is the only way to be free.  If he wasn't available to ask, what would you do?

pb

[mum]

Pavelle, I too, come from a family, not of magnanomous (sp?) means, but certainly of a prosperity mentality. There is always enough. Not buy $2000 pairs of shoes "enough" but enough. My ex came from a lower class background, but more importantly, a "poverty mentality" which he still has, despite his making between $200,000 and $400,000 a year (as far as we can tell from his partially hidden records). He STILL won't pay for the kids' incidentals when they are with him, he will only pay half of what I am paying for my son's college expenses and now wants  to not promise anything for my daughter's college education ("I agreed to that when I thought she wouldn't move with you").There's more, but it's not worth the typing.
But here is the point:
(and it's a tough one): HE will always, regardless of his financial circumstances, have a mentality, and very possibly a reality, of poverty.

So here are some questions to contemplate: WHAT are your boundaries regarding money with him, or anyone?
What is it worth to you, emotional energy wise, to fight him for this dollar amount? Do you believe that if you walk away from it, you will still prosper? Is holding tight to that amount of money about the money or about him not taking advantage of you anymore?
And if it's the latter, is the emotional attachment TO him that fighting over this entails, still worth it?

Can you "cut your losses" and walk away from that energy?

Sorry I don't have an answer, just questions. You see last year, I threw in the towel, financially, and decided to stop fighting my ex on his desire to reduce child support. He got away with murder, really. But I wanted to put my energy into creating my life, and leaving this place, so that's what I did. Did he "let it go"? Hell, no, now he is fighting to reduce it a lot again, based on my moving away from here with my daughter.  And he has tons of money. What I realize, now, is that it's about the emotional attachment to me, however negative, that he is not willing to let go of. I am not throwing in the towel on this one, as it is sooo outrageous, and my daughter deserves a financial commitment from him, even though she is not doing his bidding (staying here with him).

[Overcomer]

Boy this sounds familiar....................my ex had my parents pay for his college and the minute he graduated he was on to the next girl..........dropped me like a hot potato with a four month old daughter!!  Thanks for the college education - bye!!! 

What I heard and see in myself is that so many of "us" (partners or children of Ns) don't recognize red flags.  We go along like idiots waiting for people to stick it to us.

I just wish that we all could step back and look at ourselves objectively and heed the red flags!!!!  Boy, hindsight is definitely 20/20!!