I am still struggling with the Princess

[anony123]

HI all, This is Jack coming back for more.
I am still seeing "the Princess" and it is still (almost) as choatic as ever. I cannot let go yet even though there is a big part of me that wants to never see her again. There is compulsion in both of us and we re-connect regularly BUT the old patterns of turmoil and uncertainty re-emerge.
The Princess told me that she has gained 16 lbs in the past three months and she is REALLY unhappy about that. After all," Princesses" are supposed to be perfect in every way. This weight gain issue is entering her thinking an some really bizarre ways. SHe is drinking a little more that usual and becomes 'snippy' after two glasses of wine. Curiously ,when she gets like this she accuses ME of being critical and judgemental . She then launches into 'explaining' to me why I am not acting in ways that are good for her and the relationship.(School teachers are a royal pain sometimes).

She told me some horror stories in the past few weeks and I would like your comments on these .
When her mother was having her in the hospital, her father was told at work that the birth was imminent aand that he should go to the hospital immediately. He replied," I don't care whether she is having a boy or a girl or a dog ."  The Princess tells me that her mother has repeatedly told HER this story,numerous times, over the past few decades.

When the Princess was about 9 -10 years old her mother would say to her at night," P, you cannot go to bed yet. I want you to stay up with me because your father will be home soon and he will be drunk and make me have awful sex with him.He won't do that if you are with me."

It was the Princesse's 'job' to intervene between the adults in the domestic abuse, and sometimes violence.  Oh, my !!

The Princess does not really believe that these events were damaging because she can "cognitively process them" (her words). So she has bought 3000 self-help books and now lives in her head.

I am really struggling with my connection to her. It is unhealthy and painful a lot of the time BUT I seem to hang on for some mysterious reasons ?

Jack.

[pennyplant]

Hi Jack,

I haven't responded to your situation before because I have so little experience in that area of life.  Never dated around or been with anyone besides my husband.  But a couple things in this particular post struck a chord with me.

"The Princess does not really believe that these events were damaging....."  Well, of course, things like this would damage a young girl.  This may be her way of dealing with something all too overwhelming for her.  But it doesn't seem like a useful way to deal with it.  She is fooling herself.  She is unable to face these things in her past and in herself.  Until she is willing to do so, then I don't see how she will be able to grow and change.  Perhaps that is a bias of mine, but I think growth and change are both necessary to happiness and also an inevitable part of a lived life.

"I am really struggling with my connection to her.  It is unhealthy and painful a lot of the time BUT I seem to hang on for some mysterious reasons?"  If there really is a reason for this connection, then I would guess it has to do with important things you need to learn about your self in order to become your real self.  This connection will only be useful if you don't get lost in it and instead are able to have some kind of "educational plan" or method of discovery about what is going on inside you.  You will have to be disciplined about paying attention to how you feel and why you are being triggered.  Pay attention to what is happening when she draws you in.  What are you reminded of from the past when you feel a certain way because of knowing her.

This is kind of what I am currently doing in my life in regards to someone I know.  I believe that I will eventually learn that this person is, in fact, someone who cannot change very much.  Perhaps a narcissist or perhaps someone with a lot of n-spots, enough of them to prevent real growth or a mutual connection.  But I'm taking my time along the way and using this as an opportunity for self-discovery.  Time will tell if I'm really on a useful path or not.

In my situation, this is a person I work with sometimes.  Not easy to cut the person off, as I once wanted to, but also not someone I have access to at any time of the day or night as is possible for you with the Princess.  So, I don't know that you will be able to take my advice regarding approaching this connection as a disciplined, introspective way to personal growth.  I may be completely out of line here.  But your question about the reasons for this connection is one I have asked myself in my own situation, and this is what I have come up with for me.

Pennyplant

[Stormchild]

hey Jack -- I could be way off base but it sounds like she's playing you for a Rescuer by casting herself as Victim.

Posted this elsewhere recently but it seems pertinent here so I'll quote it -

I know about the pity trap, the helplessness trap, that Ns can set for their sources of supply...

Ns seem to be programmed to take extreme advantage of the human tendency to confuse pity with love. You find yourself feeling sorry for them and mistaking this for a deeper bond, you find yourself wanting to help them and thinking that you might build something lasting on the shared triumph over a problem.

It's bait, only bait. Love includes compassion and pity but it isn't just these things, it includes helping but it isn't just that. If you are the only one to give compassion and empathy, the only helper, it isn't love. In the non-N world even the tiniest infant, or someone who is bedridden and very ill, seems to want to give something back, out of love, and they find a way to give it - coos, smiles, humor, grace, - just 'being love' towards the person who is with them. It's not an obligation, any more than breathing out is an obligation when you've breathed in. It's the other half of the dance.

Ns never breathe out. They cannot dance this dance. They are to be pitied - but from a safe distance. If you can't get to that safe distance [if you must co-parent with them, for instance] pity is a luxury you can't afford. Compassion can help, but it helps best, I think, if you reserve most of it for yourself and those with you who have suffered and N-dured alongside you.

I hope this helps... it's what I seem to see in what you are describing...

[reallyME]

StormChild, I couldn't have said it better than you did here!  What an excellent depiction of N'ism!