LoH:
trying that hard can teach you a lot about yourself. Even if the other person needs space at times. Sooner or later, so long as they're capable of progress, things will change, maybe only an inch at a time. But those inches pile up, in the nicest way.
Thanks so much, LoH. I've got to change, too. But I can report that after the summing-up email I wrote my D (90% love and support, 10% asserting myself, asking for what I need) I have been able to NOT contact her again. I think this is respectful of her obvious need for distance right now. I don't like it, but I'd rather do this than have her feel that our only interactions are out of obligation. It feels wrong to me to have NO sense of obligation to a parent who has tried their best to love and raise you and has never abused you. But maybe that's a generational thing that seems to be changing. At any rate, I have accepted that I can't force it. And if I set her free, maybe she will come back of her own accord. I think she will. I do have to curb my dependency, and that may force me to do some much-needed personal growth I"ve been neglecting.
Plucky, these things are such an enormous gift. I can't thank you adequately (but thank you for saying thanks is voluntary here! I just want to this time for each person because I'm so overwhelmed by the support and caring...it's brought me tears of relief.):
Maybe coming from your childhood or a marriage is that fear of losing the love of your loved one by making a mistake. A small mistake. And this fear had to be confronted every day. And you had to live with stress and on eggshells.
Yes. Time to let that go.
But a normal relationship is not destroyed by a single act of, what at worst might have been thoughtlessness. You cannot possibly destroy the entire relationship with your daughter just by making that sort of comment.
I needed badly to hear this. And this is incredibly insightful and important:
remember that whatever you do, you are still teaching her. If you desperately hound her to reassure you that she still loves you, she is learning that behaviour too. Just think where and when it might come out.
Thank you so much, Plucky.
Moon, thank you:
a little not holding on to tight right now would be good for your daughter to see strength in you.So many times gentleness is taken for weakness
Your whole heart helps me heal mine. Thank you for your amazingly loving spirit.
(((((MS))))) --hugs back!
Mum, you are
so wise as ever:
You can only take care of "your side of the street". What she does on her side, is up to her. Yes, letting go of wanting...anything....something different.....is key in getting free of this fear. You won't die without her approval, nor will she die without yours.
Funny how the desperation (added to my underlying anxiety tendencies) really can feel like my emotional survival is at stake. But you're right, nobody's going to die. Thanks. I'm breeaaaaathing.
Hi Beth:
I think you need to talk to her about this NOW. You should say you have been thinking about it and you would really like to know if she is having problems with it and if you can help her.
Thanks for this. I really don't think I can approach her about her eating issues now. That's what I did a few years ago, and since that time I believe any purging is over. She's pudgy, and I don't believe she is doing it any more. Hasn't for the last two years, I believe. Since she quit smoking I think she's living (and eating) much more healthily. She does have IBS, and I think her stress issues happen for her with her stomach (as mine do with my chest, and other have headaches, etc.) But I think she just focuses on that area of her body, and that's how her anxiety shows. I might be wrong, but I don't believe she is bulimic now. (And don't forget, that's what she raged about--so she would not be receptive to discussing it with me if she were.) As you say, I can't control or force her to help herself. I've pushed therapy so hard it may have backfired, sent her tons of links to local resources, offered to pay for therapy, etc. She knows she can do it if she wants to. And for now, I have given the message that I'm so longer "bailing her out" financially. I said I would pay the small fees involved in her graduate school applications and testing, but that's it.
Hi Write, you said you had neither advice nor wisdom but I thank you for both in abundance:
You can't make her more mature, you can't make her appreciate the parts of herself which she needs to change, she'll only discover that in time ( as you have, as I have )
You can however keep loving her whilst working on stuff you feel you need to eg boundaries or assertiveness or whatever
And especially:
The best thing you can do is make a good, happy life for yourself, and be pleased to see her & share it with her when she visits.
I need to choose happiness. And remember to re-choose it. And choose it again. And again.
Thank you.
All of you. This has been caring that goes to the core of me, and I can't express how grateful I am to have found this board, and what comfort it is amid panic or pain to be able to reach out here. And then be so embraced. Unbelievable...but I think I'll believe it!
Much love,
Hops
