Hi,
Ordered a book on dealing with a difficult adult daughter. The author's purpose is to be an advocate for mothers, because she feels that in the last 2 generations, there's been a huge loss of respect...and an enormous amount of blame on mothers. (Not abusive, neglectful or addicted mothers...she specifically says her book is not aimed at them). Just mothers in general, who make a lot of mistakes but who can be devastated by an adult daughter who is either dependent, disastisfied, or distant. She feels the blame-your-mother syndrome began with psychoanalysis, permeates self-help literature, and she found in her decades as a T that almost every daughter indicated that at its core, everything in her life that went wrong was her mother's fault. (Can't quite hear myself because of the pot banging the kettle in between my ears.) The author maintains that this isn't true or fair. Anyway, I mainly bought the book because it promised a method for reconnecting.
It's excruciating reading. I realize that although she WAS dependent and dissatisfied, what my daughter is now is distant. When she emailed me from Europe in a fury saying she wanted "only a superficial relationship" with me, I was blindsided. I knew I had offended her, but I had explained myself as best I could and sincerely asked her forgiveness. She told me when she was here that she's not like me, she's very slow to forgive. And then I affronted her again.
I have done my job of leaving her alone, and I was delighted when she did send pictures. But as time goes on...I have such a sick-at-heart feeling that I've been permanently discarded, and maybe I'm just too witless to see it yet.
It may not be true. I am feeling rejection in a lot of areas in my life, and fear, and isolation. (Her stepmother tossed me aside after a 6-year friendship--a bond formed at my D's father's deathbed. That upset my D, so last week I'd wrote a nice email to the stepmom, telling her I'd learned from her withdrawal, and wasn't asking for daily contact at all, but I wondered if we could lunch. I was just going to suggest once or twice a year but didn't get the chance. And particularly for the sake of my D, so the tenuous feeling of family she had with us being friendly wouldn't be destroyed. Anyway, she wrote back saying, "I'd rather not." I don't think she knew I want it most for my D, who was truly upset.
The common thread in both these rejections is that I am emotive, sentimental, affectionate, and...I don't want to type this...needy. Both my D and her stepMom are not emotive and don't like feeling vulnerable. Anyway, I'm much more conscious of not being clingy with friends, now that I realize some people may just feel overwhelmed by that.
I miss my D so much and the last time I heard her voice, it was dripping with dislike.
That's painful. I know what's wrong with being enmeshed and I don't want that back ever. I am just grieving. I feel as though D won't give me a chance to co-create a middle ground. I was going to absolutely leave her alone for as long as it takes, but the author of this book says no, keep calling (just once a week) and sending the occasional card. With no requests or drama, just saying hi, and I love you, and would love to hear from you.
I'm all over the emotional map here. I know my office move, which was back into the space I was in when I was first stunned by the news my job was disappearing soon...has triggered some of this. (It's a feeling like, if you can find all this money for research, aren't I valuable enough to find enough funds to help me survive? Especially when I'm doing such good work.)
Anyway, rough day.
Good news...my brother leaves today and his visit, although tiring (for me and NMom too, who startled us with a snarky remark about her "routine being all messed up")--went peacefully. I am glad about that.
love to all,
A Sad Hops
