anger .............mine

[axa]

Hi Mum,

Am very good at being compassionate to others but lack aiming it at myself.  I think this will be my goal for today, to be soft and gentle with myself.  I have had a very hard time but discount so much of that and get on with things.  This seems to be one of the keys which keep me hooked also, transferring my compassion and empathy to others at the expense of myself.

The concept of intention is also whizzing around in my brain.  My unconscious intention in relationships has been to resolved the unresolvable...........rewriting the script with my N parents.  No wonder I am where I am.  I thought I had moved on from that, but it seems not.  The answer seems to be unconditional, adult reparenting by me for me.  Now there is a tough one.

Over the past few days I have a sense of softness creeping into my being.  Without a doubt the acknowledgement of my anger has lessened the rage and seems to be replaced with a sadness and a softness, feels like progress.

I find that I forget that healing is not a linear thing and when I slip back into old ways I admonish myself for not having "learned enough".  So the order of the day is compassion for axa.

Many thanks to all for joining me and supporting me on this difficult journey.


axa

[Hopalong]

Hi Axa,

You have much clarity...what you describe reminds me of the idea that anger is a covering emotion for either hurt or fear. So in feeling your sadness, you may be going beneath the surface (rage) to feel the deeper emotion beneath. Beneath is where the deeper healing takes place, I think.

I think if you don't let the sadness turn to depression, but let it sink to its natural weight, which may be grief...there may be some deep crying, which would be a release of pain that's been clutched inside.

Thank you for sharing here.

Hopalong

[mum]

Axa. You are amazing. Sharing with us here helps me more than you know.
I forget which Pema Chodron writing this is in: so I will paraphrase:
She talks about that small moment, right after we are hurt or injured by others, where there is a softness...a soft pain, as our defenses are down and our soft underbelly is open....and so quickly we cover it up, we harden, shell it over, make it better, get angry, get tough. Her message in this teaching is to connect with that soft pain, to really feel it, to leave it open, not harden....it is in this moment that we have compassion, for ourselves, for others who have ever felt this same pain, and this is how we heal.
I have found this to be extremely difficult, after the repeated injuries at the hands of N's...we are so very reactive. I do believe it is necessary to connect with this pain and see what it's about, why it's there. We learn from pain. We don't learn if we cover it up, gloss it over, fix it or try to escape it. We become very hard and scarred when we do that.
I think you get this....I think you are doing this. I think that's why it hurts so much...you are allowing it.
I agree, the order of the day is compassion for Axa. You DESERVE this....you are a peaceful warrior.

[lightofheart]

Hi Axa,

It's good to hear you feeling progress, being gentle with Axa. I think that's the key to changing behavior: with self-love and understanding (fuel for the journey) versus self-scolding (beating head against the internal walls). The head against the wall, so far as I can tell, after extensive research, only ensures more emotional detours, head banging, and bad feeling. The endless loop. imho, you describe it perfectly here, and the tangible difference of self-compassion as a means to paint your way out:

Over the past few days I have a sense of softness creeping into my being.  Without a doubt the acknowledgment of my anger has lessened the rage and seems to be replaced with a sadness and a softness, feels like progress.

I find that I forget that healing is not a linear thing and when I slip back into old ways I admonish myself for not having "learned enough".  So the order of the day is compassion for axa.

Of all the draining/backward things I've done, (and would mercifully wish the rest of the world to avoid) blaming myself for how I feel, or my sloppy progress, is maybe the dumbest loop I've ever lived in. imho, you're wise to see healing as something to court rather than poke at with a stick. Took me years of the stick approach to be 100% sure which stick was the sharpest and most likely to explode.

Your way is much gentler.  Hope you keep feeling all that compassion for Axa, it's the best-tasting stuff!

LoH

[axa]

You are all so kind and supportive and more than that I feel heard and not judged..........seems like there is some gentle encouraging parenting going on here.  Thank you all.

Today I told the loud old judgement voice in my head to shut up.  I am doing okay, maybe I am not doing things the way others are but I am taking this gently.  I am also acknowledging my shadow side which can be withdrawn and in that cruel and hurtful.  I have been reading a lot about ones shadow side and see the amalgamation and acceptance of that part of me as integral to my healing.  I acknowledge that I have the capacity to be as cruel and nasty as any N but I choose not to and that is the difference I make choices as an adult. 

If I do not acknowledge this shadow part of me I polarise myself and become the "good one" who in turn turns into the victim.  I do not want to be a victim.  I want to be an adult with strong boundaries who knows how to take care of herself. 

Any thoughts on the shadow side?

xxx axa

[Stormchild]

Rejecting the shadow is not very different from 'splitting', axa - as long as we need all the bad to be in 'them' and all the good in us, we're still stuck to 'them'; they're carrying part of our personality and we can't get loose. When we can own our own shadows, and let them own their goodness as well as their shadows, we begin to be free.

Isn't it interesting - that only three dimensional real things - have shadows.

[axa]

Storm,


Yes, Yes, Yes,  eureka............just hit me when I read your post.  I needed him to be the bad one so that I could be the good one.  I am bored with being the long suffering victim and I take responsiblity for setting myself up in that place.  What I have been aware of when posting here is that I have not been talking about him very much which I see as progress.  I am moving on from the blaming and taking responsibility..........feel a lot older than the helpless child I usually visit at times like this.

For me, I am sure, the key is the integration and claiming of my own shadow side.  That nasty mean part of me that I have disowned and not allowed any room to see the light.  Owning my anger seems to me to be part of letting that shadow move out of the darkness.

I had a thought yesterday that in some ways, and i write this begrugingly, that N has been my teacher.  Without the events of the past   while in this relationship I would not have allowed myself see through the games and my part in them.  I wish I did not have to go through what I have gone through but it feels like the only way forward.

Wonderful insights and learning here


axa

[moonlight52]

Everyone ,

I am doing what feels like work on what I can only describe as a 3-d chess board.

On one level there is victim hood and on another embracing Tinker bell's shadow self spooky huh .Shadow self- judgment not comfortable in that seat.

On another level compassion and forgiveness.What ever going on is fast and furious .

I can hardly keep up with it .Its like all spiritual toxin's are being removed from my being.

I COULD NOT STOP IT IF I WANTED TO.

MoonLight

[axa]

Moonlight


Right back at ya sister.  Something is shifting for me around the victimhood.  In fact I think it a sense of loss and sadness have replaced this feeling.  I am so sad that I have ended up in the games again but I see that I had to go back to them before I can step out of them.  Sometimes I feel really happy and powerful and then the abandonment stuff hits and I get scared and panicked. 

Your image of the 3d chessboard is really helpful.  When I find myself in victim/helpless I call on the strong compassionate adult side of me, rub my stomach and tell the scared part that this time I will be the one to look after her, she is not alone.  It is a bit like a rollercoaster but I think I am the one with control of the buttons for a change..........hard work.  The more I stay aware the less scared I am.  Also thank God for the present.  Right now writing this I am fine.  I need a sign stuck in front of my eyes to remember that.

Scary part coming up for me soon, will not go into it, but will stay in contact and try and concentrate on myself rather than the other while this is happening..........wish me luck


axa

[moonlight52]

axa, Maybe try to choose not to feel quite as scared because of all the folks that understand you right here .

 I am really not feeling loss I do not want to be around people that do not understand me and like to hurt me and make fun of me and think they are better than me.That's no fun .

 I feel sad a little but I am so excited about finding out about the real me. I do not give a hoot what they are up to.(family of origin  FOO)

All they care about is money and power.No one can abandon you .Looking inward with your heart full of love ,be kind to your self..........................more and more each day can help.

I have all this stuff going on in my head this healing .I do have my Faith to thank for it.AWWWWWWWWW let yourself feel what your going to feel .Thats what heals us.

Its holding them in that prevents healing.Be gentle with yourself .Every things Oakey Dokey.

 Axa you are a wonderful, kind person.Oh here's some extra special luck 

BIG HUGS
MoonLight

[lightofheart]

Hi Axa,

For me, I am sure, the key is the integration and claiming of my own shadow side.  That nasty mean part of me that I have disowned and not allowed any room to see the light.  Owning my anger seems to me to be part of letting that shadow move out of the darkness.

[/color]

Sounds like you walking toward your whole centered self, like Jac said. A kind of soul- and heart-lightening strength, imho.

One of my big before and afters came when I finally quit seeing my hardest behavior struggles (flaws/weak links/shadows/worst traits) as bad things, or something other, and understood they were just part of me. No bigger or smaller than the things I like best about myself once I stopped giving them all that power over me. Suddenly, less self-blame, judgment, emotional brick walls. It was like passing through a pinhole into a whole other universe of living with myself. And by extension, with everyone else.

I'm no closer to perfect now, but am quicker to recognize emotions behind my behavior, accept and forgive myself, and move on. Even laugh at myself in the middle of a bout of irritation. Or let it flow through and out. Rather than let it snowball into the kind of emotional spirals I used to have, which always ended in self-recrimination. Head versus wall. As in, I suck. I feel like a lousy person. Now I know another way, how it feels, and the warning signs. I still slip into self-nastiness once in a while, but it's a quick visit.
 

I had a thought yesterday that in some ways, and i write this begrugingly, that N has been my teacher.  Without the events of the past   while in this relationship I would not have allowed myself see through the games and my part in them.  I wish I did not have to go through what I have gone through but it feels like the only way forward.

[/color]

I think N can be a stellar teacher, as can folks who hurt us. Sometimes the most profoundly healing lessons arise from sheer pain.

I wish you bottomless luck for the scary part, Axa. Though I think you already have something stronger than luck: the power to keep knowing and loving yourself better. The cool part is, you already have that inside you, and every scary thing will feel a little smaller with this shift you keep making towards you. Like you said, Thank God for the present, 'cause it's all we ever have.

 

Please take good care,
LoH

[mum]

I love reading these posts...all of you....way better than some books I am reading!!!

Axa, you nailed it. He IS your teacher....that's why you chose him. Kinda puts you back in the driver's seat, no? That's because you are.

[Hopalong]

Hi Axa,
Occurs to me too that maybe part of the fear is that in letting go of the victim role there might be some grieving going on. I mean, you don't want to be Victim any more, but she was familiar. So saying goodbye to her/that...you are letting go of something that had been quite comfortable, in a way.

Maybe some of the fear and discomfort is simply about changing--moving out of that familiar part. And as you endure the process, because you know it's for your healing and greater good...it will become easier to NOT be her, than to stay her.

Make any sense?

Hopalong

[moonlight52]

Hi axa.

How are you doing .I am really putting into practice the wisdom from everyone on the board.

Today ,I woke up in gratitude, good start.All I am doing are routine tasks .
But my body is doing them in such simple gladness sounds goofy .Something has changed .
A real desire to live my life ,its my life and I do not have to live up to some weird standard my father made up in his head .

It just went POOF.Its like someone cut the strings on Pinocchio and he becomes a real boy.There are no strings on me.
Its like what Stormy says its about becoming real. I think this feeling is because of the mental detachment from family members that  just after years of trying I can not seem to have a healthy relationship with.
Its too bad, maybe things will change,I know I am.The heart is a lonely hunter I have compassion for self which is what I need to build on before I can be of more helpful to others.Forgiveness and Compassion and Love
        What else do you need to be in your heart pocket?
   
        MoonLight
    P.S    Is there a girl Pinocchio? Well any way glad the strings are gone . 
       
       
       

[pennyplant]

The heart is a lonely hunter I have compassion for self which is what I need to build on before I can be of more helpful to others.Forgiveness and Compassion and Love
        What else do you need to be in your heart pocket?

The heart is a lonely hunter--I've never heard it put this way before.  Very beautiful, Moon.

Pennyplant