My Niece

[Hopalong]

Good points, Write. I believe I found the facility on the Net and it's both a residentail center for kids with mental health problems and also some with substance abuse problems...and there's a school attached to it. I'm not sure about the visiting ban yet, but he did say they're waiting for a list of things that she's allowed to have, and that the director's a very tough competent man...so it sounds very much like the usual controlled environment. Wouldn't be unusual not to allow family there the first few weeks.

I am very mindful that I don't have (nor want) a significant role in this sad situation except to send affectionate cards to my niece, maybe permissible care packages, and hopefully speak to my SIL now and then. Otherwise, we're half a continent apart, so I won't be knee-deep. And we haven't been very close. (NMom has had many myths in her head about family closeness, but the truth is, we're not.)

I have had a minor miracle about my back. It still hurts after work (the chair) but the pain is reduced by 50% because I'm taking the new antidepressant, Cymbalta, that also has an effect on nerve pain. Amazing.

I feel as though I fizzled on my Daughter thread, will try to catch everyone up there soon. (I did let her know about her cousin...no response. But I'm okay letting go now, letting her take her time.)

Hops

[WRITE]

Some friends of ours put their kid in military school 18 months ago, afterwards the mum was convinced my son ( very gifted/ capable/ sensitive ) was like hers used to be- except when I asked more closely they were totally disappointed in his lack of motivation/ low grades/ the fact the schols would not put him in G & T programmes...it seemed to me the kid was a total disappointment because he did not acheivel his parents grandiose expectations )

I immediately regretted telling her about my family problems and frankly do not have much respect for people who ship their kids out when they feel they are no longer a 'trophy'.

Family therapy for a year or so would be my first choice and response to 'out of control'.

I would want to know if 'out of control' really meant 'won't comply'.

You are right to establish distance- at least until you are convinced this is healthy healing.

*

That's great news with your back.

Haven't heard of Cymbalta.

Don;t worry about your daughter, like you say, be patient.

HAPPY 4 JULY! weekend.

[Hops]

Hi Write,
I think they're worried about her safety and literally cannot control her.
I think this school is truly an attempt to save her...and I think they're admitting that they can't do it on their own, even with therapy. If they don't do this, she might wind up in youth jail.
I don't know if her BP has made her suicidal, but she can't be left alone, and both parents work. I don't like the idea of shipping kids away either, but the impression I have of her is that she may need a structured therapeutic residential environment. I don't think my B and SIL can do it.

You're right that my brother is probably not completely straight about things...I do think he is likely haunted by what his own explosive and dark personality may have contributed. But I don't think these are things he could verbalize to me. And I don't want to be that closely involved. I think just listening quietly if he wants to talk about it would do. Or he may be comforted just by hanging around NMom for a week. I can't begrudge him what comfort he can find. I know he's been a tortured person for most of his life.

But in spite of compassion I will be certain to keep my boundaries up with him. Nothing has changed as far as that goes.

Yep, the Cymbalta's been a miracle. It's effective on nerve pain, with no sedation.

Happy fireworks to you too, Write! And thanks for thinking about all this...I appreciate it a lot.

Hops

[lightofheart]

Hi Hops,

Hugs to you for your compassionate boundaries approach & the consideration you give your family. For what it's worth, a similar situation arose with relatives not long ago and their teenager, J., who has BP.

I think they're worried about her safety and literally cannot control her.
I think this school is truly an attempt to save her...and I think they're admitting that they can't do it on their own, even with therapy. If they don't do this, she might wind up in youth jail.
I don't know if her BP has made her suicidal, but she can't be left alone, and both parents work. I don't like the idea of shipping kids away either, but the impression I have of her is that she may need a structured therapeutic residential environment. I don't think my B and SIL can do it.

In J.'s case her F argued for a school like your B/SiL have chosen; her M wanted a more 'enlightened' day program where J. could come and go, live at home. M got her way. Three years, four arrests and 7 or 8 failed drug rehab programs later, J.'s prognosis/life situation is no healthier; she's unstable, has tried suicide, and continues to gravitate to bad news friends and drug-dealing boyfriends. Who can say whether a 'tougher' approach would have worked. I do know this: minus constant monitoring, there was no way J. would have even considered staying on her BP meds, and her M was blind to that risk.

There may be no end of kindness iin your B/SiL's difficult decision. imho, there is much cause for optimism: your niece has youth, love and opportunity on her side, plus a lovely M and a very cool, if long-distance, aunt. Maybe even a F who's finally seeing past himself to (at least some) of her needs?

Prayers for all, Hops, and the peaceable visit you deserve. And yay for Cymbalta and your less achy back!

LoH

[mum]

hi, Hops. The no contact sounds very much like drug rehab. Very much like the last few my niece went into.  (My niece has NOT been using for about 6 months now, so you never know....sometimes people get better). The other no contact thing might be due to her relationship with her parent(s)...it may just be so very toxic...one never knows. You are dong a great job detaching, stick with it.  Good that you are not "borrowing trouble" by worrying about your brother's motives for the week long visit...
Sending love, light, peace to you and your niece.