NOW I am really angry-

[Jackie45]

I wrote a post recently about how my B/F answered a call from a female 'friend' just a few minutes after he and I were intimate and he made a coffee date with her at that same time.I am still struggling with that. However, when I wrote that, we had been separated for two week after an agument over another matter.  I walked out on him. (I did not post these last details in the original post to avoid making the story TOO complicated)

OK,hereis the latest.Two days ago he called me and wanted to meet to 'talk'. WE go for coffee at 3pm and talk till about 6pm .We are making progress and he then invites me to go out to dinner and dancing. WE meet later and have a really lovely romantic evening and I go back to his place and stay until 9am the next morning. THe reconciliation feels successful so far and we agree to meet again at 5pm for more coffee and talking.
WE go for coffee and we are real relaxed . It feels good . Later, as, we are walking to our cars,he says, "I have something to tell you." Oops, my bells are ringing.
Eventually he tells me that he went to a restaurant lunch today with HIS female 'FRIEND'.
 He tells a story of her arranging the lunch a week ago when we were apart and then tells me that he did not know it was going to be a big slap-up lunch. He thought that it was going to be ,"Just a walk along the river bank." I am speechless. HE goes on a date with aanother woman right in the middle of our reconciliation, LESS THAT 24 HOURS AFTER WE HAD SLEPT TOGETHER??
 I am in disbelief. I tell him how shocked and hurt I am. HE  says, "You are taking this really well."
I drive home in cold shock.

I need your input NOW. I am stunned.

[Hopalong]

Jackie, hi.
Sorry you're having such an upsetting time.

Breeeeaaaaaaaaaaathhhhhhe.

Please go back to the thread you started before. Read all of it. Consider the questions, observations.

Here's a new question if you need one: Why are YOU enjoying....staying in....this drama?

He is still playing the same game.
Taking a call, having a lunch...the issue is EXACTLY THE SAME and the details don't change it.

But the true problem is, you are playing the same game too. You've upped the ante. You have increased your investment in it. You haven't stepped back. You're escalating the drama and the potential to both be outraged and then to feel hurt and victimized. I'm not judging you (I majored in this behavior into my 50s).

My honest opinion is that you are not going to get any clarity until, you seriously deal with all the thoughts and questions that were offered in the previous thread. (Not because you found them here, but because from all my reading and therapy I truly believe they are true and helpful.)

It's the same pattern, just a little variation. She's still around, he's still connected to her and toying with you. You can't do one thing about this man's character.

You're still sleeping with him and fantasizing. You can do something to change that if you want to. You might need help, therapy, books, etc. Those are choices too.

What do YOU think? I believe you can think.

It's hard, but I feel your outrage and anger may be addictive and feeding some need in you that might be better met by throwing your heart and mind into healing yourself and finding your creativity. Finding out about that would be really valuable for your life, I believe. (And I believe you can do it.)

I'm preaching to myself, here. I waste a lot of my precious life force on the wrong things. Easy to spot in others, but I do understand how challenging it is to change mental patterns, particularly about romance.

Hope something shifts soon, and hope you'll let us know about it...

Hops

[mudpuppy]

Dump him. He's a bum.
Your feelings may be complicated but what you should do is not.
Dump. The. Bum.

mud

[mum]

Jackie:
Mudpup is right AND Hops is right.

HE is a bum. Dump him. AND YOU get to decide and ONLY you can decide.

You don't need "us" telling you anything, you KNOW WHAT TO DO! What are you waiting for and why are you waiting???
THIS IS NOT LOVE. THIS IS ABUSE.

Wake up.

[Jackie45]

Ok HE is gone !

Jackie.

[Jackie45]

OK I just called him and said that his 'date' with the other woman ,less that a day after we reconciled, was trashy and way beyond what I call acceptable behavior. He tried to say that he "thought" about canceling the date with her but he ,"hates hurting people's feelings."  I exploded," What the f**k about MY feelings!"
  He said that he deserves credit for being HONEST with me. Is he for real?
He wanted to meet and talk about it -I said take a hike.

I feel like crap, Jackie.

[Jona22]

Jackie

He deserves no credit for anything let alone honesty.ty

The one good thing here is that although you feel like crap, this is the last time you will feel like crap because of this man.

Storm is right.  He will reappear.  It could be days, weeks, months but he will reappear.  It is up to you to make it a very short reappearance. No more three hour talks.  He is manipulating you.  I have been through this before. 

For all you know he has more than one other woman he is playing this game with.

Now is the time for you to take extra special care of yourself.  Take some time to mourn but not too long.  Do some nice things for yourself and know that there is a great man out there somewhere for you.  A man that will truly love you, cherish you, and treat you right. 

I agree with Hops that you need to go back to the other thread and read it again and again.

I also suggest that you buy and read the bood "He's Just Not That Into You".  I don't remember the name of the author but you will find it on Amazon.com.

Also, congratulations on breaking it off  instead of clinging to false hope that things will straighten out with this man and that he will see the error of his ways and become the kind of man you want and need.  Congratulate yourself for having the strength to do what needed to be done.  Yes, you can think.  You know when you feel bad and you know what to do about it.

[Hopalong]

Jackie,
Thank you for sharing all this. I feel so glad for you.

One thing: you are feeling like crap. Here's something to focus on right now, if you can absorb one more piece of advice:

Enduring the feeling like crap is something you can do. The feeling like crap may have to do with an addictive kind of "fusion" created by sleeping with someone too soon, and fantasizing (which distorts reality). Please understand that the feeling like crap may literally just be a withdrawal symptom.

Endure the feeling like crap (without reaching for him) and IT WILL PASS.

You are going to be a changed woman after this, Jackie.
It may not feel like it at the moment, but it's wonderful news.

(One more piece of advice: Please read Men Who Can't Love by Steven Carter). You are right in the MIDDLE of this book and it will help you now if you read it now.)

Hang in there and keep venting here, we'll help you!

(((Jackie)))

Hops

[mum]

 

it's even more fun for him if he knows you figured him out and he can sucker you back in, and lie to you and hurt you even more. There really are guys whose hobby is cruelty of this type.

Stormy is right! That's my ex husband she's talking about! See, honey, you got smart early in the game. Some of us are slow learners....consider yourself one lucky gal.

Look forward, Jackie. You know what you don't want, now figure out what you DO want and focus on that instead (of that ***hole).

Good for you!

[Jackie45]

Because I come from an NPD family I have a BIG need to be heard, listened too. THat makes me vulnerable to going to a coffee meeting with him to speak my mind about how his behavior was bad, and how it hurt me. I know that I need to never see him again, BUT I seem to want to "let him have it."
Any clues about NOT doing that.

Jackie.

[Hopalong]

"I am hearing my SELF, my deepest healing SELF and that feels fine."

Repeat....100x.....

Do hold on and endure the discomfort. The urge to tell him off can still be an urge to reconnect, have a romantic fight and romantic reunion until his next hint of unfaithfulness, and then...quicksand.

To truly be kind to your deepest self, don't go or call or write or accept calls or visits or letters. Instead, when that urge comes of wanting him to listen (which would change noting except perhaps damage your dignity)...just say: "I am hearng my SELF and that feels fine."


Hops
Hops (Please read Men Who Can't Love, ASAP)

[Jona22]

It is very normal to want to "let him have it".  The problem is that even if you did, he wouldn't hear you.  He would feel no shame.  It would not cause him to change.

The best you can do is to tell him off in your own mind.  Write him a letter if you want but don't send it.  If you get the urge to call him or meet with him, beat a pillow instead to help release your anger.  Post your anger on this board.  We can hear you.

[Brigid]

Jackie,
I agree with Hops and Jona.  Do not follow through on your urge to meet and "let him have it."  What he would hear you saying is "she still wants me."  People like this do not understand hurting other people's feelings because they themselves do not feel.  To them, it is just another conquest, a game to win, a notch in the belt--however you wish to phrase it.  They simply don't care how you feel--only what you can give them.  Once they have sucked everything out of you and you don't give them what they need anymore, they move on and find a new player in their sick game.

I can't tell you how many times I wanted to tell off my exnh.  I actually did have a few moments here and there and did send some e-mails early on (but you have to remember that in my case, it was 22 years and 2 children, not 2 months).  But those moments were met with blank stares, eye-rolling, and basically telling me I was crazy and he was entitled to do what he wanted to do to make himself "happy."  People like this can never truly be happy because down deep, where they cannot face themselves, all they feel is shame and disgust over who and what they are.

Bottom line--just move on.  You have only devoted a couple of months to this a$$hole, and I wouldn't let him take one more minute of your time.  Start reading some of the books people have suggested (I like the "He's Just Not THAT Into You" suggestion--I really got a lot out of that), make plans with girlfriends and vent your anger and frustration, but don't bother with him.  He just isn't worth it.

Brigid

[Hopalong]

Happy Sunday, Jackie:
Your greatest victory is in releasing your anger safely (IOW, not with him) and letting go and moving on and taking very good care of yourself, and reading and learning (women's support group? therapy?) in as many ways as you can--to devote your 40s and 50s and rest of your life to finding and using your own voice, for your own highest good.

These are exciting things to be involved in. Exciting times. You have an exciting life ahead! You can do it!

(Anger = attachment = flattering this sort of guy's ego. Far better for him to never hear one more syllable from you, ever. The best revenge is living a happy life.)

Hops

[Jackie45]

He called me today and asked me if it was really over. He said that he wanted me to be OK with the decision to end it and he was interested in my feelings more than his. BS!!
 He is toying with me. He said that he knows that he has treated me badly BUT then stopped short of saying "sorry" or anything like repentance.
What is he up to now?

I said goodbye and hung up. Maybe he will try again -who knows?
Jackie ..(I am reading the other replies from my first post)
I will be OK ..