Survival Masks

[Certain Hope]

Hi,

In researching issues revolving around compulsive behavior, I ran across this site: http://www.coping.org/control/survive.htm
I'm finding it enlilghtening to learn more about this reserved quality that is interpreted by some people as being aloof. I seem to have found some measure of security in aloofness 
I've copied the listing of the survival type behaviors here, but you can go to the site to take the (brief) self-assessment.

Oh, also, one of the pages at the website addresses the Caretaker behavior pattern (ahem... thinking I have a weakness there, too)
http://www.coping.org/control/caretaker.htm

Hope

What are survival behaviors?

Survival behaviors are:

Those behaviors you needed to exhibit in order to survive in an abusive, neglecting or ignoring environment in your family of origin, marriage, work, or school setting.

The walls or barriers which you have built between you and others so that you will never be hurt again like you were in the past.

Your pulled-in feelings which you are no longer willing to share with others lest they take advantage of your vulnerability.

The closing off of your vulnerable side for fear of being hurt again.

The insecurity and lack of trust you exhibit to others who reach out to show interest or concern to you.

Your lack of tolerance and apparent lack of empathy for the feelings of people who have their own problems and are in pain. This is especially true if you think their problems compared to your past ones are trivial or less severe.

The competitive way in which you deal with people always looking out for "who is the winner or loser'' in each human transaction you encounter.

The coldness and disengagement you display as you describe your problems from your past.

The often hostile, negativistic, sarcastic, and cynical attitude you hold towards life.

The often bitter, acrid, and biting comments you make about aspects of your life.

 The often uncontrollable anger, rage, and hatred that you exude as you speak of past hurts.

Your unwillingness to consider that there might be more viable options for you to cope with life than your "tried and proven'' self-defensive model.

Your defensive and "closed in'' attitude when others suggest to you a constructive criticism over something you have said or done.

Your inability to warm up to people and your shy and retiring ways whenever you are in a new social situation.

Your fear of speaking up in a group of people lest they not accept or approve of you.

Your desire to be invisible so as not to be hurt or abused in any way.

Your guardedness and watchfulness in your interactions with people lest they get to know too much about you for fear they take advantage of you with that information.

[Brigid]

Hope,
I could certainly relate to any number of those survival behaviors.  I know that at best I have sometimes come across as "aloof" in social situations where I am not familiar with the crowd, and in extreme cases, have been thought of as a "cold bitch" when I just couldn't warm up to the group--mostly due to the personality types involved.  I think mostly it was just shyness and protectiveness until I got to know people better.  I would then start to open up a bit, but only in small doses, because I was afraid of being rejected or hurt if I opened up too much.

I have found, however, that now that I have had all the therapy and am in a new relationship with someone who does not constantly upstage me and make me feel irrelevant in social situations, that my personality is becoming more bubbly (for lack of a bitter word at this hour of the morning), and I open up to people--even strangers--much more easily than in the past.  I think now I also have a better sense of those people I need to be more protective around and those I can trust will not try to hurt me. 

Brigid

[Stormchild]

Brigid, your instincts may have been right all along.

The people who would continue to hang out with an N like your ex would either be people who don't understand N-ism and are therefore vulnerable to its games [you were in that group], people who don't particularly care how other people are treated [many people are in this group], or people who get some kind of kick from watching games at a distance [many others are in this group].

The second two groups aren't real good people to hang with... and if you were guarded and quiet around them, they'd be much more likely to label you and call you names, rather than actually investing time and caring in thinking about why you might not want to come out of your shell. And the first group, not knowing what was going on, would be more likely to follow the lead of the other two groups than to stand up for you.

Now, though, you're hanging with people who either have been through this and get it, or were lucky enough to grow up in healthy situations and don't enjoy N-type head games. Either way, these people are willing to give you room and space, they're looking to KNOW you instead of looking for reasons to JUDGE you. Makes all the difference in the world, no wonder you feel safe and open!

This is so good to hear. I am so happy for you. Hearing these things is like being pointed to a caver's  lifeline, and seeing that off in the distance there really is a way out of the cave.

[moonlight52]

Stormy ,Bridgid and Hope,

I have for years just not understood the games that were happening around me.

Moon family has finally gotten wise .It feels so good to understand what was going on and to remove oneself .

But why do people play these these games when they are so hurtful and they do it on purpose and laugh?

That is the part hard to understand.

I am not speaking from victim mode just why do they do it .

Moon

[moonlight52]

Everyone,

I just do not understand deliberate cruelty. 

Wouldn't a person feel really bad if they did something really mean on purpose?

Love,

MoonLight

P.S   Moon family's going to the Johnny Depp Movie I love movie popcorn and so do our girls !!!!!

[Hopalong]

Me too Moon.
I don't understand cruelty.
I do understand why someone who was so tormented in childhood that they never saw a model of kindness might grow up very rough or aggressive...simply not knowing how to interact.

But sadism, I don't get. And that's the far end of bullying.

I do think under the right (wrong) circumstances, everyone is capable of behavior we wouldn't think we are.

But some people do seek out the chance to destroy.

I don't know if it's about philosophy, genetic or natural accident in the brain, environment, luck, or likely, some combination of all of them. It does seem to me there are no simple explanations.

I think about MLKJr...the idea of overpowering evil with the courageous and very large presence of good. I think we all have something like that ahead of us very very soon, about resisting the practices that speed global warming, if not warfare itself.

I don't know if hope is naive, but I do believe one can choose to be open to good possibilities. And I hope I'm not too weak to stay that way if things get very tough.

Hops

[Certain Hope]

Hi Brigid,

Yup... I have tried on about all of those survival masks at one time or another, too. Still, I ranked at a 4 on a few characteristics on the self-assessment quiz... unapproachability, shyness/aloofness, addictive relationships (ugh), lack of commitment  , running away.... yikes, sounds like avoidance oughtta be my middle name. Sometimes it's difficult to tell how much of that is basic to personality/temperament vs. a consequence of life experience. Anyhow, only had one "5" and that was on "self-containment" ~ aha! ~ which I have a hunch may be a pride issue. We shall see.

It does sound like you have made great progress, Brigid!  "Bubbly" is good  !!  I am still working toward bubbliness , but I think bubbleability is  a wonderful sign that the drawbridge is lowering and the gators have been removed from the moat. I 'm shooting for the goal of remaining simple concerning evil and wise toward that which is good. A couple of years ago, that concept seemed like an impossibility, but now I can see the Light... 

Hope

On edit ~ P.S. to Moon...   I believe that the answer to your question is in the Bible, the book of Romans, chapter 1:

:21 .....They knew God, but they wouldn't worship him as God or even give him thanks. And they began to think up foolish ideas of what God was like. The result was that their minds became dark and confused.
22     Claiming to be wise, they became utter fools instead.
24a.   So God let them go ahead and do whatever shameful things their hearts desired.
25a.   Instead of believing what they knew was the truth about God, they deliberately chose to believe lies.
26a.   That is why God abandoned them to their shameful desires.
28 When they refused to acknowledge God, he abandoned them to their evil minds and let them do things that should never be done. 29 Their lives became full of every kind of wickedness, sin, greed, hate, envy, murder, fighting, deception, malicious behavior, and gossip. 30 They are backstabbers, haters of God, insolent, proud, and boastful. They are forever inventing new ways of sinning and are disobedient to their parents. 31 They refuse to understand, break their promises, and are heartless and unforgiving. 32 They are fully aware of God's death penalty for those who do these things, yet they go right ahead and do them anyway. And, worse yet, they encourage others to do them, too.

That's the definition of a reprobate mind. IMO, it explains sadism completely.

[Brigid]

Stormy,
I think you are very correct about the people involved in the social situations I had with my ex.  I guess I would define them as very superficial and shallow.  These are folks I can't relate to.  Trying to have a meaningful conversation with them is a waste of time.  All they want to hear is another joke or talk about their golf/tennis/(insert whatever) game.

Actually, my best friends right now are a group of women who all survived the attack of one very n (also maybe BPD) woman who hurt us and tried to divide us.  Ultimately, we figured out her game and divided alright--from her, and all became close to each other as a result. 

Moon,
I absolutely agree about cruel behavior.  I have talked here before about my inability to deal with cruelty to animals--can't hear it, process it, think about it.  It eats away at me.  I have somewhat the same reaction to cruelty to children, old people--anyone helpless to defend themselves.  I also can't deal with information about torture of any innocent victims.  I have always had a tough time with movies like "Shindler's List", "The Killing Fields", etc.  I am just so sensitive to and can't on any level understand how one human being could treat another human being that way.

Hope,

Sometimes it's difficult to tell how much of that is basic to personality/temperament vs. a consequence of life experience.

This is very true.  I often wonder if I would have my same sensitivities and protective behaviors if raised in a healthy, loving environment.

but I think bubbleability is  a wonderful sign that the drawbridge is lowering and the gators have been removed from the moat.

I think bubbleability should be a new word in the dictionary  .  That drawbridge is just about down and the moat should be good for swimming any day now (got to watch out for the occasional mudpuppy however--they'll nip at your . . .).  .

Brigid