Anger as a habit

[adrift]

Yesterday had a long talk with DH and at first I didn't want to admit it, but then realized he was right, I was "angry" again.  I'm gonna start a journal to explore my anger, but my thoughts right now are that "anger" is my default setting.  I get angry, distant, put up those walls all the time and poor DH has to open my eyes over and over as to what I'm doing.  For years I refused to see how I was hurting myself (and him and others around me), but finally the clouds parted and I've begun to see myself more clearly.  This site has been a huge help as well as learning about the Karpman Triangle.  When I'm angry, I'm not necessarily screaming or throwing things, but it's more in my snappish behaviour, tone of voice, smart ass comments---and part of me really enjoys being mean, I WANT to stick the knife in (figuratively speaking) and then twist it. Sick, huh     I want to hurt others, I want others to hurt because I hurt and I want others to hurt because no one helped me all the years I was a kid and lived with emotionally and physcially abusive parents.  Of course the anger is  a wall to block off from dealing with emotion and hurting others is a defense mechanism to keep them away so I won't have to feel any of those lovey-dovey emotions (which I detest when I'm in my anger mode).  Often, when I let myself feel something other than anger, what I feel is sadness, loneliness, fear, and lots of regrets.  Those feelings hurt worse than the anger, so I default back to anger.

 I know the anger and walls protected me for years, but it's past time to tear them down and I"m working on it.

Anyone else have to fight "anger"??

Adrift with land in sight

[mum]

Hello, Adrift. A question: who is DH? Is that "dear husband" or "divorced husband"?

I have a lot of experience with anger. Anger taught me a lot.
I was angry for really justifiable reasons, I thought, my attorney thought, anyone with a brain thought. But anger is not meant to be a habit, and as understandable as my anger seemed to be....I was the one getting hurt. No, actually, my children were getting hurt too.

 I think anger is meant to tell us that something is amiss. Like any pain, it is there to make us notice something...something is not right. Something needs to change. But I think we are taught to supress, manage, control and dismiss anger. This does nothing to help us, and sets up anger as a habit, and other unhealthy mechanisms to deal with it (drinking, drugs, snappiness, the emotional "walls", etc.).
My ex husband is perpetually angry....that's one reason he drinks so much. But enough about that Nidiot.

When I was angry, it ate at me. My friend and I were laughing the other day about aging, and going through different traumas (we've both had our share). We realized "somethings gotta give" and unfortunately for both her and I, it was health related.  There is no question in my mind that the time I spent feeling like a victim and angry about it really hurt me in many ways.

But it helped me, too. I learned from it. Which is why it is there in the first place. To teach us something about oursleves. There is no medicating it away, no running from it....there is just looking down the barrel of it and saying "OK, what are you here for?"
It is not easy, and it took me a long time to see it, explore it (PAAAAIIINNNful) but it was also wonderful.

I found a great therapist, I read lots of books, but the bottom line was, and it comes at all different times for everyone....I MADE A CHOICE. Well, actually I made a DIFFERENT choice, because NOT choosing (or choosing to feel victimized) was still a choice....I was just not consious of it.

Anyway....I chose to change. I couldn't and can't change other people. I can only change myself. Knowing I had choice meant that I got to take control over my life again. I felt powerful instead of powerless. I had given my power away...to my Nexhusband...and actually to almost everyone in my life, I finally realized.

Looking into how I got that screwed up took some work...but the core of it was that because I thought being good meant putting everyone else's needs/thoughts/opinions above my own...well, there you go: I lost seniority over myself.

What I know now is this: The ONLY thing I have to do with pain (anger, jealousy, bitterness.....lump it into pain) is LET IT GO.
That's it. Sure I still need to acknowledge it....(OUT LOUD!) and explore it (what the heck am I so bummed about...the WHY of it all)....but then (and this is the best part) I LET IT GO.

At first it felt very foreign to me to visualize "dropping" this weight of anger and pain off of me...but it got easier and easier. And when I think I have it made, well, I'm angry and worried all over again. That's just being a sentient human being. I care...I hurt.
But it's not BAD or GOOD. It's just what it is. I don't have to carry it all the time. I don't have to hold on to the pain in my heart. It does not make me a better person to suffer. It just doesn't.
As a matter of fact, it interferes with and sometimes even undermines all my other good doing. I can't truly love others if I don't find myself remotely loveable... So I had to learn how to also LET GO of the judgement on myself.
I had to learn how to be compassionate...toward myself, as that was the one person I had never given a break to.

Anyway, enough ramblings. I just remember feeling what you are feeling. Supressing anger doesn't work. Expressing it doesnt' work either...until you know how to let it go as soon as you express it...(other wise you keep on expressing it and damaging all in your wake. It was my son who gave me the biggest wake up slap....he said "mom you are miserable and you are making me miserable". That was the lowest day of my life.....and the beginning of it as well.

I wish you light with this...it can feel heavy and heavier still to simply do the unburdening. But do it you must....as you have said, this is not what you want. The anger is not what you want to stay in.

And one more...very important...thing. Everything starts with intention. Your intention is to get out of this unhealthy and unhappy place. And so you will. Set your intention.....the universe in it's unconditional love (God, if you prefer) will conspire with you to have that happen. Now you need to allow it. Open up. Nothing but good is waiting.

Have some faith (a major ingredient on this path, I have found) and you will be taken care of.

[mum]

Oh, just remembered this:

I read a great interview once in "SUN" magazine, with "Hurricane Carter". You might know his story. They did a movie about him not too long ago...Bob Dylan wrote a song about him years ago. Anyway, he was a well known black boxer, framed and imprisoned for a crime he did not commit...and he was jailed for YEARS. He was just about (justifiably) the angriest man on the planet. But in his horribly frustrating imprisonment (no where to go...no way out) he made a choice. His story is unbelievably moving. This is a man who was truly a victim...until he decided he was not. He found the power inside his mind. And the universe did conspire with him to free him as well. Others were working toward that for him, but he was not released while he was soo angry, ironically. Anyway, if you can read that article...or find any writing by him, it will blow your mind about anger and victimization and freedom. He is "awake" now, and he credits his pain in a big way, for getting him there.

[ANewSheriff]

adrift,

I feel for this because I had to own my own anger recently and really dig deep to its core in examination in order to understand its message and purpose.  I have owned my anger in the past, but I felt like I took it to an entirely new level this year.  I not only felt angry.  I felt toxic.  Since I turned 40 this year and a lot of my friends did too and we all seem to be struggling with the "everybody's an idiot" syndrome, I first thought it might be age related.  It was hard to figure since I had a such a traumatic year, though. 

I am probably still not "there", but I do feel like I have made a lot of progress.  Firstly, I think anger can be a very beneficial emotion/reaction because anger motivates change.  When we finally get a belly full and can't stand it anymore, we usually find a voice and speak up, get off our duffs and move, or just plain fight back.  In my case, I did all three.  And, you know it was okay.  I am no pushover, but I had to vocalilze, move, and fight in ways in which I had never had to before.  I did it.  Still am.  And, my life is better because of it.  I feel like I am living much closer to truth today.  I feel more free.

My guess is that your anger is nudging (maybe full out pushing and dragging) you to change.  When we are uncomfortable, it is the Universe's way of telling us to move - change positions, get busy.  I bet you make a lot of progress with this.  I love your insight and willingness to go and explore these places.  I hope you will share your awarenesses and successes in this exploration. 

ANewSheriff       

[lightofheart]

Just read a book of poetry, Emptiness Surrounded with Rage, (by Linda Webb Aceto) that this thread brings to mind.

My friend bought the book on Amazon, I think it's self-published.

Like the boxer (Rueben Carter, I think?) she'd have every reason to turn bitter. Writes about bi-polar/bulimia/alcohol struggles, teenage pregnancy, isolation. The surprise was her play with words and wry sense of humor; hearing her move through a storm into herself.

[pennyplant]

Hi Adrift,

It seems to me that anger was about the only emotion that got expressed quite often when I was growing up.  I think maybe because it is one of the hardest to stifle.  It has a power all it's own and sometimes just comes busting out.  But I learned eventually that I was supposed to not feel that one either.

I have felt it thoughout my entire life.  About everything big and small.  So much so, that now I'm just bored with it.  I want to feel the other emotions.  And I want the anger to take a smaller role in my personality.  More of a balanced role.  The way I've been working on it is to notice patterns.  Well, that is what I do with just about every question in my life!  But I guess the pattern I mean here is, which people make me consistantly angry?  What do they make me angry about?  What about me am I being reminded of?  (I am supposing here that I wouldn't be angry if there wasn't a personal element to the particular situation that made me angry.)

Next, when I understand the problem, I practice in my mind something specific to say or do the next time, because there will be a next time with these people who set me off.  Also, I have some people who I can explain the situation to in some cases, (my supervisor at work in the case of one person who angers me), and that also gives me some control or a way to manage my feelings without discounting them or stifling them.  Stifling anger or other strong feelings does not work!  It just makes things worse.  Trying to do that as a child just added to the burden I was already carrying around.  But there was no one to teach me this approach, so now I am teaching it to myself.

I know people who never seem to feel much anger.  I don't know how they got that way.  Must be another emotion is out of balance with them.  For me, though, it has always been anger that has given the most trouble.  With me, fear seems to be closely related.  I am working on that one in different ways.  Sometimes I just go easy on myself and don't do the thing that is making me afraid.  Other times, I choose to be brave in a small manageable way.  Well, that is not so different from my exercises with anger.  The managing part anyway.

Adrift, it seems like you have a handle on your approach to this.  Keep going with it.  The changes are already happening with you.  Sounds like your husband might be helpful with it too.  At least he is communicating about it.  That is a good thing.

Pennyplant

[Hops]

I know people who never seem to feel much anger.  I don't know how they got that way.  Must be another emotion is out of balance with them.

Hi PP,
I used to think I was one of those people. Now...I think my anger was stuffed for a very long time. My brother was bigger, meaner, and the school bullies outnumbered me. After a while I despaired and retreated into fantasy (used to read 7 books a day in the summers, 3-4 novels a week in adulthood until the last few years). My dad was a very gentle man, so I had that model of how to be. But he stuffed his anger too, if he had any.

A part of me felt I was supposed to be sad instead of angry, because that's how I interpreted my childhood religious training...a heartbreaking exercise in self-sacrifice. So whatever abuse was dished out (mild compared to what many here have suffered)...I just took it. Also, that was a downside to my Dad's passivity (pacifism?). He always chose kindness and restraint, and was I think, just a very sensitive soul who didn't "get" the bluster and macho that men were trained in.

I have heard the idea that anger is always a covering emotion...under it is either hurt or fear.
Rings true to me in a way, or at least hopeful. Since anger is behind war, then if we address the hurt and fear in others and try to help...perhaps one day there could be peace?

I am confused about anger. The Gestalt ideas of the 60s and 70s influenced me a lot, the urging to get it all out. Then again, in my experience, venting sometimes seems to just be pouring gasoline on a fire.

It's a conundrum. Thanks for this thoughtful conversation, everyone.

Hops

[movinon]

I see anger as a teacher.  I have been an angry woman for most of my life.  I guess growing up in an alcoholic household catapulted that.  It's a familiar and yet comfortable place for me.  I have to be careful not to just stew in it. 

I CHOOSE to use it as a teacher - like others have expressed.  What's underneath it?  I have found that I'm not very effective as a human being when I carry it or stuff it.  I totally believe in getting it out in a safe and nurturing environment (which I have made for myself).  I can do this work in a group of women and we can witness each other in the process which is truely powerful.  Other times, I get it out in a safe place by myself.

Her's the kicker - I MUST FILL UP THAT HOLE WITH SOMETHING POSITIVE.  If I don't, I leave that gaping wound open for anger to sneak back in.

ANother thought as I do so much women's work - as a gender, we are taught to be "good girls" and not show anger.  THAT is NOT healthy and does not work.  Feelings are always appropriate, it's our ACTIONS that we need to be careful of.

My 2 cents,
Movinon

[NoMore]

Hi All-

I just found your message board today and I'm so glad I did.  This looks like a great resource.

Mum - I just wanted to say that your words ring so true for me.  Thank you for sharing.

[Certain Hope]

Welcome, NoMore... I like your name

Just wanted to say:  glad you're here and looking forward to getting to know you. I hope you'll share more about your situation and interests/concerns as you're ready.

Hope

[Sela]

Hiya Adrift:

Wow!  There are so many wonderful insights here!

I'm gonna start a journal to explore my anger, but my thoughts right now are that "anger" is my default setting.

Good for you for both recognizing a need for change and thinking of a possible way to help yourself!!  Fantastic!!  You will get past this!!  Keep going!!

One thing I was thinking is about this very intense statement:

I want others to hurt because no one helped me all the years I was a kid and lived with emotionally and physcially abusive parents.

First, is this really what you "want"?  Or do you feel some very weird compulsion to be hurtful towards others, which is really not what you want?  I think there is an important difference to take note of and it sounds to me like you don't "want" to behave this way but rather, that you behave this way, against your own wishes, and would like to change?

You, the person, Adrift, and especially, the child, little Adrift.......suffers/suffered immensely, it sounds like, big time.  No one helped.  It went on for years.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Adrift))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I am truly so sorry for all you've been through Adrift.  I wish you could feel warm and safe inside that cyber hug and that it were possible to cure your hurt with such a simple gesture.   I feel sad to think of you going through so much pain.  It must have been horrible (and the effects still are, I bet).

Do you think you have fully grieved your lost childhood (the happy childhood you should have had)?
Have you grieved the well rounded, happy, adult you should have developed into, after that happy childhood?

Growing up in an abusive environment deprives us of these eh?.......abuse causes loss. 

And loss needs to be grieved.  There is no way around it.  When we experience loss, if we don't grieve, we suffer additional pain, I think, or at least, pain from the past haunts us....maybe even multiplies?

The stages of the grieving process,  which can occur in any order and stages can be repeated or skipped, but usually occur in this order, are:

shock, denial, anger, despair/depression, sometimes bargaining, and finally acceptance/resolution.

Is it possible you are just stuck in the stage of anger? (you say anger is a wall you put up to avoid feeling other stuff but what makes me question is the word in your title of this thread:  "habit").
You've been angry for so long that it feels "normal" and almost but not quite comfortable, maybe?  You're used to anger eh?  No wonder it's your default mode.

when I let myself feel something other than anger, what I feel is sadness, loneliness, fear, and lots of regrets.  Those feelings hurt worse than the anger, so I default back to anger.

And the worst......

what about.....shame?

Do you feel shame for acting/speaking in hurtful ways?  Then angry with yourself for such words/behaviour?
Are you contributing to your own.....habit.....stuckness???

 

What happened to you as a child (which I'm sorry, I don't know your story but I assume it wasn't very nice and therefore should not happen to any child!) was sick, cruel, mean, nasty, horrible, disgusting, wicked, probably terrifying, certainly illegal and most likely dangerous.   It makes me feel very angry to think about it!!  Your anger is justified!!  It really is!!

However.......it sounds like you're tired of being angry.
I know that feeling of being tired of a certain state of feeling/stage of grieving.

It's time to move on?  I'm so glad to see you posting and trying to find a way to do that!!  That's wonderful!!

You may have gone from anger to briefly other stages of the process and maybe you haven't fully finished with other stages or maybe you will simply skip certain stages of grieving?

You can choose to move away from your anger and if it truly is a habit.....then treat it like a habit.
Decide to go cold turkey or ease away slowly from this drug.

(Isn't it like a drug.....that keeps you in one place?  Doesn't it mask all the other real feelings and doesn't it keep you from experiencing what real life is like?)
Do you have a good support system?  Are there others helping you?   Very important stuff when trying to kick a habit.

Do you feel like you just have a massive package of anger stored up that needs to come out?
Do you need to learn healthy ways to release your anger?
Are there books that could help you understand your situation better?

Whatever the case......keep talking.....searching for help.....working toward change.  You will get what you want if you keep to this path.  Betcha!!

  Sela

[adrift]

Sela,

  You always have such good insight!!  Thanks!  Let me clarify that when I said that sometimes I want to hurt others because I was hurt (I'm talking emotional hurt, not physical although I was physically abused as well) , I actually DO feel that way sometimes, but I know it's wrong and I usually (99.9%) manage to subdue those desires.  I used to feel those desires to hurt others on a fairly constant basis, probably ever since I was about 13 years old, and then my "other" side would kick in and I would feel loving----DO I QUALIFY FOR "CRAZY" YET???        I can now see my parents, dad especially, had these same urges (well, not the nice part) and would hurt me emotionally and got some preverse pleasure out of it.    Mom was the same way.  I never heard "everything will be o.k." or any comforting words, only doom and gloom,  and bad news,  and how bad life is and how bad the world is, and regrets and blame for how I had embarrassed them, accusations and blame for imagined sins or slights, etc....... 

Anyway, yes, I have a very good support system in my husband (who has stuck with me, bless his heart), my best friend who also had a troubled childhood, my religious beliefs, this board, and in the gobs of books and internet sites that I read which help me to learn and grow.  God has allowed me the ability to see the vicious cycles and circles that my parents were locked into and that they were never able to break free of.  By "seeing" these things, and by having support and His help, I've been able to make lots of progress.  I never could understand, though, why my parents couldn't see what they were doing to themselves and to me.  Well, as for me, I think they felt I deserved it, but my parents were the kind that weren't happy unless they were unhappy, if you know what I mean.  IOW, they were never happy and life was crap. 

And interesting aside is that I didn't marry the man I loved.  I was in love with someone else and he dumped me and broke my heart and when my now DH (dear husband) asked me out and our relationship developed I was just following his lead as I was so still in love with the other guy.  Need less to say, our marriage started out VERY rocky and hard, but I've realized through the years that God doesn't necessarily give you what you want, but what you need.  I doubt anyone else could have put up with me or helped me heal as my husband has.  I've grown to love him and appreciate him.


Adrift

[Sela]

Hello again Adrift:

I actually DO feel that way sometimes, but I know it's wrong and I usually (99.9%) manage to subdue those desires.

I believe you.  You feel but you want not to act so you subdue.  So really, you don't really want to go ahead and act on that feeling right?  What you want is to do what's right, so you do that instead, 99.9% of the time.

I used to feel those desires to hurt others on a fairly constant basis, probably ever since I was about 13 years old, and then my "other" side would kick in and I would feel loving----DO I QUALIFY FOR "CRAZY" YET???

Absolutely not one bit.  Do you realize how honest you are?  Do you think you're the only person on earth who has nasty feelings sometimes (an urge to act badly)?  The difference between you and some other people, like your dad, for instance, is that you stop yourself.  You don't want to go ahead and satisfy an urge that you know is wrong!  (and even if you have done so, in the past, the blessing is that you have worked toward doing what you know is right, regardless of urges to do otherwise, almost all of the time)!!

You are to commended, imo.

Your dad: 

would hurt me emotionally and got some preverse pleasure out of it.

I bet, those times when you did go with the urge to emotionally hurt someone......you didn't get pleasure from it.  I bet you felt bad about yourself, those times and that's what has driven you to change.  Another big difference between you and the disfunctional parents you had.   You listen to your conscience!

Way to go Adrift!!  You've improved the product!!

I'm so glad you met your husband and for the relationship you have with him!  Another blessing!!

(((((((dear Adrift)))))))  The man who dumped you didn't realize the treasure he could have shared his life with.

  Sela

[adrift]

Thanks Sela   You're very kind.  And you know? It feels so good to let go of the anger and not have to carry it around.  Learning how to love and how to be intimate is a very nice thing indeed

ADrift

[reallyME]

Adrift,

As I was about to head out to work this morning, I was reading your post and something caught my eye that I'm going to comment on here:

you asked "do I qualify for crazy yet?"

Whether or not anyone qualifies as "crazy" or "mentally ill" or not, isn't the point for me.  The point is, that little child who was abused, neglected, engrandized, vicariously lived through by an adult, DID NOT DESERVE IT!

I will not say "nobody is to blame" because that parent DEFINITELY was and is to blame in these situations, as most likely was their parent.  What needs to happen though, is that the inner child should be reparented and integrated so the adult-child can become whole and healthy emotionally, mentally, socially, spiritually and otherwise.  Counseling, reading, applying all help accomplish this.  Hanging with an emotionally-whole adult who wants to help you and will "go the miles" with you, also will help. 

As an adult, though that parent was to blame for harming the child, it now becomes your own responsibility to take the steps needed to walk to wholeness.  I know that seems unfair...parent does the damage, adult-child has to find the answer, but that really is how it works.

Well, hubby is calling me, so gotta go.

~Laura