I'm tired of this

[steve]

Hello my friends, it has been a while since I posted on here. Unfortunately, I do not have anything positive to report and have made no significant progress.

I am at the point where I see my life as a total disaster. I am a slave to my father's wishes and I know that he has no feelings towards my suffering or even a clue that I am hurt.

All my life I have been my families savior, always the one who carries the load and never receives anything in return. My entire family is living their lives and I am stuck making sure everything goes right. The facts are as follows: Every time I move away from my family and strike out on my own, I see my parents situation deteriorate. I end up feeling guilty and then come back and solve the problem. End result is that my life goes no where while they continue to live their lives.

I get no understanding from anyone in my family and am told to just ignore him. My life is pathetic but no one seems to care. I am always made to feel guilty when I dont phone my family but they never phone me unless they need something.

Deep down I know that I need to just sever all my ties but I can never seem to do it. Huge guilt sets in and I end up suffering. How can I do this. Please help me, I do not know how much longer I can last.

Steve

[Plucky]

Hi Steve,
I think I remember your story from before.  You asre in business with your father, or handling business for him?  It sounded like a horrible situation.

I am sorry for what you are going through.  You need some help. You have a gang of people basically running your life and treating you as a slave.  They started in on you in childhood and that is why you do not have the wherewithal to extricate yourself.  Part of your defenses were removed while you were too ypung and dependent to prevent or understand what was happening.

You will have to look for someone like a therapist to provide a place to vent, to frame things for you, and to lean on while you figure out what to do to get yourself out of this mess.  Until you find that, this board is a good place to be.  Let it all hang out.

The good thing is, it really does take reaching bottom before you can turn it around.  Perhaps you are finally there.  Good luck.
Plucky

[pennyplant]

Hi Steve,

I had been wondering how it was going with you since you last posted.  I'm glad you're back.

I also tend to be the kind of person who feels responsible for others to my own detriment.  But my anger about it is closer to the surface and perhaps that is what has saved me from becoming completely downtrodden.  I'm at a point now where I can set tasks for myself, small ones sometimes, where I teach myself to let others pick up their own slack, be responsible for their own lives and work, and put myself on an even level with others.  Tell myself I'm worth just as much effort as they are.

It feels quite strange sometimes and even uncomfortable to do this as I'm not used to being "selfish".  So probably, once you get to a point where you're willing to take action on your own behalf, you will have to tolerate some uncomfortable feelings for awhile.  It doesn't seem to me that you have gotten to that point yet, though.  It doesn't seem like you mean very much to yourself yet.

I can say here that you are worth the effort.  You mean just as much to this world as your parents or anybody else who you are putting before yourself.  This is a fact.  I can't say, though, what will be the thing that makes you believe this and act on it.

Perhaps it will help unleash some ideas and emotions if you post more often.  Some of us are here several times a day.  "Talking" about it does help.  I'm amazed sometimes just how much it has helped me to post and read here and it's only been since February for me.  I feel like I'm a different person now.  Stronger.  Maybe that would be a good start for you.

Hope to hear from you again, Steve.

Pennyplant

[Certain Hope]

Hi Steve,

   One thing that helped me to overcome is to realize that no matter how cold, unfeeling, selfish, and egocentric I might perceive a friend or a family member to be, it was not that other person's "fault" if I felt guilty. I learned to forgive, which freed me to give from my own heart, as I felt led to give to them, with no strings attached.

   Some people might say, "expect nothing, then you'll never be disappointed". Well, I do believe that unmet expectations are the cause of a great amount of grief and there may be some truth in that, but it sounds to me like a pretty hopeless way to live, so instead... I determined to expect the best from myself and let the chips fall where they may (at the same time, making sure to keep my hands outta the other guy's bowl of chips... in other words, let him carry his own baggage ~ I have enough of my own, tyvm).
 
   The short of it is ~ I think that there's a strong element of manipulation involved when we serve others in order to appease our own sense of guilt, so I gave it up. Now when someone asks me to do something for them, I consider my options and, when necessary, simply say, "I won't be able to help you with that, but I certainly hope you'll  be able to get it worked out". No further explanation needed.

   I've heard it said that insanity is doing the same exact thing, in the same exact way, time and time again, yet expecting different results. Best way I found to get off that merry-go-round you seem to be on is to forgive the "offender", stop demanding that he meet my expectations, while forsaking any notion that I can ever give enough to get him to meet my needs,  and focus on being a person of integrity. I hope this helps.

Hope

[Hopalong]

Steve,
I'm so glad you shared this anguish.

Please find yourself a therapist and hopefully some supportive group activity too.

You are suffering too much and YOU DO NEED HELP.

Absolutely I echo everything everybody has said above.

That said I will plead with you to please get yourself some REAL HUMAN HELP in 3-D life as well.

You can go to a mental health clinic for counseling. Please....do it!

If you feel stumped by how to tell them what it is all about, remember: you can print out your threads from this board and simply hand them over.

I can hear your heart breaking and it's breaking mine.

You are not alone, and this is something you can survive!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Painful as it is to think of losing them, you can't continue to sacrifice your own precious gift of life.

Please, go ask for help. Stay with it.

And keep posting, keep posting, type 'til your fingers ache!

Hops

[penelope]

hi Steve,

I know your situation because I was in your situation a few years ago.  I moved away from home and tentatively severed the ties - I didn't announce what I was doing to them or anything, I just practiced living my life apart from them and had very little contact for about a year.  It forced my parents to come visit me, as I didn't have enough money to come home as often as they wanted me to (although I did do that a few times too).  Anyway, this practice living my life MY life, MY LIFE, was good practice - I forgot about them for the most part and I made my own decisions for awhile.  Could be that I had so many problems of my own (personal and financial) I just didn't have any energy for them anymore. 

Well, this wasn't exactly healthy for me either, but it made me aware that I needed to take care of myself cause no one else was going to.  And while I didn't like this fact, I learned how amazingly strong I really am.  I was working low paying temp jobs, and not earning the living I deserved and most importantly, not being challenged at work.  I moved back to a city where I could find a decent, challenging job that would offer more security.  I found "the job of my dreams."  I was back to working with people who are supportive and positive (well except for my jerk boss) and making good money, and I was able to plan and save for retirement, and for once I saw my future and it was stable and it didn't include pain.  I also met someone who I could see as a potential life partner, and I didn't want to screw it up (I'd already been married once and it didn't work out in large part due to my dysfunctional family).

At this point I made the decision to get healthy mentally. I entered long term therapy.  This was the key for me.    Getting healthy isn't something you can just wish for and it happens; we don't have the necessary tools to overcome all the years of training, the ingrained effects of our Ns, and we need a T to help us facilitate learning how to be good to ourselves.  I tried out one T, didn't think it was a good fit, and found a second.  I really like her.  Probably most importantly, she understands my situation.  Maybe because she hasn't talked to her own father in over 10 years (this info slipped out in one of our sessions - I know some will frown on this, that she offered this personal info to me, but it actually made me feel releived).

Steve, I know your situation, and I know you're strong enough as you're here and you're asking for help.  I see in you a huge capacity to be kind and loving to yourself, and with that skill, you'll be able to give to others (those deserving of it), and isn't that really the goal of our lives?

hugs,
pb

[Anansi]

Hi Steve,

You're feeling that your guts are being ripped apart while you sense your urge to move on.  You want their claws out of your emotional body and you're scared of severing painful but familiar thus comfortable ties?  And you're asking for help.  Does this summarize it?  I want to check in with you first at this point before I reply further.
Anansi

[penelope]

Steve, are you there?  Cause you are important to us.  waiting for your reply..

[reallyME]

Please read the Bible and get Melody Beattie's books from your library and apply what you read in them.  It will help you break OUT of this.  That is my advice to you who are "stuck," Steve