New here, just want to say hello

[NoMore]

Hi All,

I am new to this board and wanted to introduce myself, my story.

I am the product of a dysfunctional family, my mother was and still is an active alcoholic.  My brother was very abusive to me growing up and we have no relationship at this time.  My father is extremely passive (aka a doormat). 

I have followed in my father's footsteps up until 9 months ago when I finally woke up and realized that I am married to an abusive, narcissistic, cruel man and could not stand it anymore.  We married in fall of 2005 and he changed dramatically right after the wedding, on our honeymoon in fact.  It was extreme and terrifying. 

I spent day after day, hour after hour, trying to figure out "what I had done wrong".  Finally,  one day I stumbled into a different discussion board on verbal/emotional abuse and I had that light bulb experience, "Whoa, this is not my fault!"  I felt angry and relieved at first, then sad, very sad.  I could not believe that I could be so "stupid" as to let this happen to me.  I set out to understand what was happening, why it was happening, and what could I do about it.

Many books and many tears later I have wound up here.  I am much more clear now and have been able to figure a few things out.  I can now see my husband for who I feel he really is, and I am still sad about that.  I used to think he was great, now I just see a sick, troubled, mean person that I can't do anything to help.

I guess I am still sad, but at least I am moving forward in a positive direction.  I have gone back to school and am trying to finally live my life for the first time.  I do not know what the future holds for me or my husband, but I am determined to take care of myself and I think I'll be just fine, someday.

Thanks for letting me get this off my chest, it helps.  If anyone has suggestions about books, etc. I welcome the help and support.

Hugs,
NoMore

[Brigid]

Welcome Nomore,
You have come to a place where many can relate to what you have gone/are going through.  In my case my father was the alcoholic, emotionally abusive n and my mother the nabler.  I too have one brother with whom I have no relationship.  I married and divorced 2 n men before I finally woke up and smelled the coffee.

For me, it was a combination of very good therapy, many hours of self-reflection and the drive to see my children through the divorce from their father in one piece, that finally got me to a place of mostly peace and serenity.  In my case, my parents are both dead, so that piece of my life has passed, but I still had to heal from the internal damage my father caused. 

The healing is a journey with a different path for each individual.  It has hills and valleys and a number of setbacks along the way, but I promise there is a light at the end of the tunnel if you are willing to forge ahead and not give up.  Don't waste one more minute blaming yourself for the decision you made in your marriage.  Use it as a learning experience, with the promise to never make that mistake again.  There are men worth devoting your life to out there, but your h isn't one of them. Be very grateful you did not give over 30 years to poor choices of partners, as I did, nor do you have children to share with this man.

Please share more of your story if or when you feel comfortable doing so.

Blessings,

Brigid

[Anansi]

Hi NoMore,

I'm a little confused.  Are you still living in the same house/apt with him?

Anansi

[Sela]

Hi Nomore:

You sure have a lot on your plate.  I'm so sorry your life has been so hard, so far.  It sounds like you've weathered well and I almost want to disagree with your statement:

I am the product of a dysfunctional family.

I'm sure many would agree with this but I prefer to think of you as an individual who has been trying to develop into something other than a product of a dysfunctional family and getting better at it all the time!
You may have inherited traits and your environment might not have nurtured you adequately but you are an adult now and taking care of yourself.

My father is extremely passive (aka a doormat).

 

I have followed in my father's footsteps

Sounds like you made the best of a bad situation.  You picked the one person in your family who was not abusive and you emulated his behaviour.  I think you did pretty good!!  You didn't turn out like your mother or your brother!  That's worth celebrating!! 

up until 9 months ago when I finally woke up and realized that I am married to an abusive, narcissistic, cruel man and could not stand it anymore.

And now......you are stepping away from being a doormat and moving toward looking after you!  That's truly a wonderful accomplishment (even if it doesn't seem like it.  Many, many people stay in one place for many, many years.)

I can now see my husband for who I feel he really is, and I am still sad about that.  I used to think he was great, now I just see a sick, troubled, mean person that I can't do anything to help.

I'm glad and sorry this has happened.  Glad that you are getting real about your situation and taking the veil away from your face.....looking clearly at who you married.....

And very, very sorry for your loss.  Marriage is a big step and it seems your hopes and dreams have been squashed (for marriage with this man).  That's a huge loss!  No wonder you feel sad.  Who wouldn't?

at least I am moving forward in a positive direction

I'm glad to read this!!  So glad for you Nomore!!  Keep struggling!!  It's not easy but it is necessary and time to take care of you! 

I think I'll be just fine, someday.

Good thinking!!  My hope is that someday will be sooner than later.

Check out this link:

http://www.lilaclane.com/relationships/emotional-abuse/links.html

Welcome Nomore!  May you find plenty of support and encouragement here and may your healing continue to a full and happy end.

  Sela

[Hopalong]

Hi Nomore:
I just want to say hello, and encourage you to think step-by-step about how you CAN change "someday". You sound clear and calm, you've learned your painful Nlesson and grieved a great deal of your grief. And you're going to school! Gooooooood for you.

This really is not a bad place to be, hard as it was to get here, I hope you credit yourself with enormous growth:

I am much more clear now and have been able to figure a few things out.  I can now see my husband for who I feel he really is, and I am still sad about that.  I used to think he was great, now I just see a sick, troubled, mean person that I can't do anything to help.

I guess I am still sad, but at least I am moving forward in a positive direction.  I have gone back to school and am trying to finally live my life for the first time.  I do not know what the future holds for me or my husband, but I am determined to take care of myself and I think I'll be just fine, someday.

I am positive you'll be fine. I just encourage you to not let "someday" be a fantasy. Someday is REAL, and you are in charge of how soon it comes.

I think you're fine right NOW. You are awake, and thinking clearly in spite of your grief.
(I think you'll find once you get away from him and are in your own space, it's amazing how swiftly the pain may lift.)

Welcome,
Hopalong