Hey guys,
I miss y'all!
I’ve got a lull in my (labor-intensive) accelerated study program and I was just thinking about the folks here. I finished the summer session this past Friday and no sooner than I could finish a nap from the previous all-nighter, my Nmother was on the telephone with a list of family concerns for me to assist her in attending to. I guess she was giving me “a break” while I was engaged in my classes. I was not really prepared for quite the amount of sh** that had hit the proverbial fan. So I figured I’d come here prior to spending significant time with my Nfamily to help me get my Nbearings and to prepare for entering the “shadow of the valley of Death” as I now lovingly refer to my family’s town of origin.
Right now, the relentless saga re-opens with the IRS showing up to my Nmother’s home and enforcing leins on her personal property and having her use the equity, of which she hasn’t enough, to pay her delinquent bills in the hundreds of thousands. My Nfather, for some reason we cannot get out of him, is being ex-communicated from the cultish Nchurch in which my siblings and I were raised. (To get ex-communicated from a cult, whoa… I’m thinking). My Nbrother is looking at nine years in prison for a recent shop-lifting that made it his “third strike” offense and qualifies him to be given the full penalty of his probation. My “stealthNsister,” if I may, is the silent, but grand orchestrater of my Nmother’s current downhill pattern and my poor other brother, a non-N, 33 year old, Muschausen victim, is becoming morbidly obese, suffering unexplained seizures, is on blood pressure, cholesterol, and anti-seizure medicine and is currently being psychologically evaluated to determine if he can receive Disability funds for his “inability” to work…. School, and all it’s running around and examinations, is a happy, welcome escape from all this drama and has been so for me, every since kindergarten.
Today, I came straightaway to the posting about racism, that mentioned my name and the previous drama here on the message board. (I guess this explains the “ear burning”) and I wanted to share some musings about issues brought up on that and the Narcissist’s victims posting. I don’t mean to grandstand, I just didn’t want to enter the previous highly charged discussions in a high-jacking fashion, and there were so many tender moments, I didn’t want to exacerbate anyone’s pain or frustration. I’m not sure if that will happen here but, if it does, I will claim responsibility for that and attempt to alleviate it, if possible.
Hops in the racism thread, said:
If you looked at a whole country/culture as N...who would be its victims?
I tried to get the board to look at things this way a while ago with the “NPD Zeitgeist” and “Hurricane Katrina” threads. At the time, I was pretty much convinced that I was surrounded by N’s of every type and that for whatever reason, there may have been a cultural shift taking place resulting in more N-types surfacing in our society. I was kind of “shot down” during that time, but the feeling doesn’t leave me. I honestly believe we live in perilous times and evil, aka, “malignant narcissism” abounds. I see a lot of examples cultural Nism here in America both within and outside of the African-American culture. I run in a vast variety of social circles. As an anthropologist, I actually prefer to “get into” many types of cultural backgrounds and reasoning. I am recently most fascinated by a cultural phenomenon I thought was one and the same. My new nursing school girlfriends (who just happen to be white, as there only 4 black people in the entire 100 person class), advise me that there is a difference between a “red neck” and “white trash.” They went on to explain and clarify the differences that I will get into later, as I digress.
I believe, we who know how horrible Nism really is, would hate to see ourselves as N, but we should be willing to be accountable for the times we have unwittingly participated in cultural Nism. I can’t really speak for any other place the US, but it would be pure denial to refuse to see ways in which this country has been one big bully, going around feeling entitled to other people’s promise or to the destruction of it. (I’m sure mud is not pleased with that statement, and mud, you and I are buddies, but that statement is to many non-Western cultures categorically true. As it is to me, an American. And, just in case any one was wondering, if I had the resources to and the knowledge of where my family originates, I would indeed return to Africa, my original home. I don’t really feel safe in America as it such a target by peoples of other nations, who have just as much reason to have spiteful, angry feelings for past behaviors as many Blacks in America do.
reallyME said in the racism thread:
It is in the culture, no matter what you say about it or how much you love them, most of them were raised in an aggressive environment, seeing their mothers and sisters and brothers beaten by a domineering parent...that's been shown throughout history too...why that is? I'm not sure...displaced aggression from the slavery days maybe? I don't know, but I've seen it for years.
I believe you’ve made a few valid points here and I would like to add to them if I may. The institutions of slavery and indentured servantism, left a horrific, indelible mark on it’s victims both white and black in the US. It’s effects have been felt intensely since Emancipation in 1863 and will probably be a hot-button issue forever. It’s true, a lot, I wouldn’t say most, (I think non-Blacks would be surprised at just how many “normal,” functional, Black household’s exist, even in situations of poverty), black children witness aggressive environment’s if not in their own homes, then definitely in the homes of their peers, and/or extended family.
Personally, the scenario you describe is my own situation growing up, my parents were both domineering, there was domestic violence between them, and they both slapped, pinched, and “switched” the crap outta me. My father preferred ritual beatings, where you get beat once daily for whatever, didn’t matter, I think it was a sexual thing, actually. My mother was big on backhand slaps across the lips and intense pinches to the thigh during church. I, too, thought this was the norm for Black children, until I began to poll my peers in school and throughout life. Although some could relate, most of my black friends, were surprised that I got so many beatings and were curious of the fact that I could not recall specifically what my beatings (and subsequent bruises) were for. I’ve learned over time, that there is indeed a theme that evolves that distinguishes “these black people” that you get ingrained in your head as being rough, sensitive, violent, unruly, people who need to “pull themselves up from the bootstraps” and move out of this generational cycle of laziness and entitlement…from the few friends you have that are Black.
Depending on where you live, reallyME, you may see that the angry, abusive Black is more the exception than the rule when you account for situations of low-income or poverty. Poverty is highly frustrating and even without the history of slavery, racial profiling, and Black paranoia, it is enough to drive any man to destruction. When you account for the horrible legacy generational poverty leaves, you begin to see that it is not the skin color that is determining these deleterious symptoms, it is the economics and accompanying sense of hopelessness that drive men to criminal behavior. When the backs of blacks are pressed up against the wall, you all have a pretty good idea of what results, it is the great source of media entertainment and interest.
In cases where income is adequate to meet the economic demands, you see less abuse and crime, I'm sure. And where you do see it, it's probably pure Nism. My point reallyME: there is far more to take into account when considering trends among cultural groups, not just race. Race isn't even a scientific construct. It is a social construct. When you peel away the skin, we are frighteningly alike, all of us.
Which is where I bring back the point about the difference between poor white trash and “rednecks” as told to me by newest girlfriends. Po’ white trash are those guys you see on the TV show “COPS,” with their trailer homes and their “wife-beater” undershirts on, smoking their crack, crystal meth, oxycontin, or whatever, and drunk as all get out trying to convince the policeman to let him go. Hmmm.. lots of criminal and abuse issues there. Rednecks, on the other hand, are a breed of proud Americans who can be wealthy or not, tend to own lots of rural land, on which they hunt and park their pickup trucks with necessary gun-racks. They love to have fun, are down to earth, and don’t tend to get into the high siddity ways of the “northerners” Interesting, but both are still a little scary to me though. Visions of black men being dragged by pickup trucks and lynched come to mind with both categories. Is this the same as the sweeping generalizations that get made that most Black people are "niggers" or "ghetto?"
Plucky and Stormchild, I appreciate your bravery. This is not an easy cause for which to stand up. Thank you for your attention to the nuances of racism. The subtle overtures are what really matter in intimate relationships with each other. When you are trying to establish trust and rapport, these are the things I tend to evaluate when reaching out to members of another race. It is not an obligation for people to express tolerance and sensitivity, it is an opportunity. You took this opportunity and I’m certainly grateful for it. Plucky said it best:
"...we are all victims of racism, if we live in a society with racism."
A final note to all, If you want your intimate dinner parties to go swimmingly, ban discussions regarding politics, religion, and race. It always leaves everyone feeling a little dirty and upset. But for the purposes of this board, I’m glad we can talk about this.
Tiffany
