Now THIS I find amazing

[reallyME]

Ah, criticism is so very hard to accept isn't it?

Not when it's warranted.

I kinda freak out when people give it to me too - unwanted.  So I'll just stop now.

I won't even go there about you "freaking out" and why

signing off reallyme, you can calm down now

as if your signing off will change my feelings about being falsely DIAGNOSED by you? you don't have control over my reactions nor my responses, though it appears that you think you can somehow manipulate me...maybe like your parents did to you?  Well, I'm not "little Penelope" and you are not your mother.  It won't work with me.  next...

[Sela]

Hi Anansi:

I like it when people smile.  I'm glad you did.  Thanks for saying so.

Pb:

Well, I guess it's a bit late to try to mediate now eh?  Thanks for trusting me enough to consider that possibility Bean.  I appreciate that so much.  Hope you're ok.  Stuff like this is never easy imo.

RM:  I hope you're ok too.

Jac:  I like the sounds of this shaddow concept.  I better go find that thread and read it.  It sounds interesting.

  Sela

[Healing&Hopeful]

RM/Pb

Do either of you want to resolve this, or do you want to carry on slating each other?

From my perspective, an outsiders perspective, I do think it's 6 of 1 and half a dozen of the other and I feel like screaming ENOUGH at both of you.  And why Jac's been roped in is beyond me.

So, I'm going to ask you BOTH the same questions.  When you respond I would like you to think about what YOU can do about this, not what you would like the other person to do.

1.  Would you like this to be resolved?  Yes/No.

If Yes.... What are you prepared to do to resolve this?
If No..... What are you prepared to do so the arguments, digs etc etc stop?

2.  How are you prepared to change by this doesn't happen again?

H&H xx

 

[bean as guest]

it's all good jac, I'm not upset.  Just being me and being honest.  Thanks for your thoughts, I appreciate them.  Like I said, I find it impossible to hold a grudge.  It's not something I can even claim to be proud of cause it's easy for me not to.  So I'm gonna just let your words to me sink in and I hope you'll do the same.  take care

have a good day,
bean

[bean as guest]

H&H,
something got you riled up?   need to expess why this conflict has you bent out of shape?  I hope you'll do so. 

I've seen all the elements of honesty and voice here, so I can't be too worried about it so I won't be.  You shouldn't be either.  I mean, your feelings are OK, but exploring why they're happening is more important than trying to jump in here and scream Enough.  It wasn't enough for us, so we kept talking, and that's OK.

bean

[bean as guest]

jac,
I will answer your question, you asked:

That to me is the question that can open doors - do you want to open them?

no jac, that's what I've been trying to tell you.  When you attempt to open my doors for me - it hurts.  I have a therapist, so I don't need your "Help."  It's not why I'm here, anyway.  This is the same thing I've been trying to tell reallyme - when you get in somebody's face and try to diagnose them here, or tell them what they're all about, by their behaviors, you are playing with fire, that is a recipe for disaster as we're not professionals.  A therapist is a professional and that's who I trust my therapy with, no one here.  This place isn't about that for me.

I don't think that kind of trust can ever be built nor should it be built here.  So I've politely (and not politely) told you and reallyme now what you're doing that hurts and I've asked you to stop.  I know I don't have any control over it - but, I still asked cause that's what I wanted to do.  To make you think about why what you were doing hurt.  Calling people an N, or saying they sound like an N hurts.  That's all.  That was the only point I was trying to make, although it got convulted with anger and confusion, and "here's what you DO!!!" jac.  So those are the only things you're producing in my by your methods of "help."  I'm trying to tell you that, that's all. 

pb

[penelope]

jac,

I went back and read my threads and I still remember what I was thinking/feeling when I wrote them.  And a lot of what you've described just isn't true.

I'm sorry. 

I will tell you what I was really thinking/feeling if you'd like to know.  But communication can only happen when we put down our guns long enough to come to the peace table.  Otherwise, you're shooting in the dark jac.

pb

[Healing&Hopeful]

H&H,
something got you riled up?   need to expess why this conflict has you bent out of shape?  I hope you'll do so. 

I've seen all the elements of honesty and voice here, so I can't be too worried about it so I won't be.  You shouldn't be either.  I mean, your feelings are OK, but exploring why they're happening is more important than trying to jump in here and scream Enough.  It wasn't enough for us, so we kept talking, and that's OK.

bean

Hi Bean

I've been driving home and debating with myself if I should just delete my previous post.... to not get involved and leave it between yourself and RM, because that's what I do Bean.  But then because it has all been posted so openly and I have read through some of it, it does involve us all and if I have the option to ask questions that may help, then why not!

I am not riled up or angry, but I am pissed off with the lack of resolution and the going round in circles between yourself and RM which was why I asked you those questions and I would be grateful if you could kindly think about them and respond.  

I mean, your feelings are OK, but exploring why they're happening is more important than trying to jump in here and scream Enough.

When I read this sentence, I'd like to tell you what my initial thought was... "Wow, that's very big of you Bean!"  That my feelings are ok.  I think another very important thing to note is that I didn't jump in here and scream enough... I said from my perspective, as an outsider, I felt like screaming enough at the both of you.  Do you see the difference between feeling something and doing something.

And yes, IMHO, Jac has hit the nail on the head, when I read your post it does turn the conflict around and make it sound like there's something wrong with me.  Right from the first word, something, not someone who is responsible for their own actions.

Bean, from my perspective, this is about you and what part you play in the grand scheme of things.

Take care

H&H xx

[penelope]

hi H&H -

I'm sorry cause when I posted that to you I was very frightened and trembling that I'd made you upset, somehow....and trying to find some words that might soothe you.  So, I think you misinterpreted what I wrote.

I wasn't trying to make you mad.  I was asking if you were OK (but not in a condescending way, in a - ick, I feel bad if reading my exchange with reallyme made you feel bad, if it triggered you).  That's the way it was intended to sound cause that's what I meant.  I was hoping you were OK, and if you needed to talk about feelings, I was inviting you to.

I guess that doesn't come across in text too well, though does it?

Curious why you added the comment that you agree with jac too.  *Sigh* this isn't going to be another now we're taking sides, who's better jac or bean, I hope?  Cause I don't think either jac or I are "right."  There's no right or wrong about who's interpreting my actions correcly, see?

I've spoken from my heart, without sarcasm, and with a whole lot of fear, and I'm sorry if people cannot see or hear that.  That is either 1) a limitation of the internet and/or 2) a limitation of their ability to give another (me) the benefit of the doubt in this case.

that I can be interpreted in Sooo many ways clearly says there's no objectivity, right?  So the only way to truly know what I meant and thus what my words were Intended to do, is to ask, right?  And I know, they were only intended to a) soothe myself and b) try to soothe reallyme.

That's why I don't feel bad, H&H.  So, if you feel bad, I'm sorry, cause I don't and I think maybe that's why you might have felt bad cause wanting to scream enough - that feeling - typically happens for a reason and that's cause you don't want to witness pain.  And I think that witnessing pain might have something to do with your past.  Is this making sense?

pb

[penelope]

H&H - now it sounds like you're jumping in to mediate?  That'd be wonderful, I think it's a great idea.  You and Sela can both mediate - if it gets to be too much, the other can take over.

1.  Would you like this to be resolved?  Yes/No.

If Yes.... What are you prepared to do to resolve this?
If No..... What are you prepared to do so the arguments, digs etc etc stop?

2.  How are you prepared to change by this doesn't happen again?

Answer #1:  yes
I am prepared to keep talking to reallyme until it gets resolved.  But only if she's calm and not flipping out.

Answer #2:  I am prepared to stop ignoring her if that's what it'll take to get the digs to stop.  Or to keep ignoring her, or whatever needs to happen.  I just need to communicate with reallyme, she needs to tell me what I'm doing that hurts her - and continue explaining it until I understand. 

And I'd like for her to listen (objectively) to what I've said, and take it as just what I'm honestly thinking/feeling - it's not a game or manipulation, I really do think like this.  My brain works this way, honestly.

pb

[Healing&Hopeful]

(((((((((((((((((Bean/Pb))))))))))))))))))))))))

You don't need to apologise to me and I'm sorry to hear how much fear you felt from thinking I was angry.  What Brigid said on the other post is spot on and she is so clever at putting it into words.  It does seem that when I go to open a thread, there is an exchange between yourself and RM.  Which left me thinking, Sheesh, when will this end.  Thanks for inviting me to share my feelings but I don't have a huge amount of feelings about this, and I'm also not triggered by things in my past.  I would have said if I was.

Whether there is a mediator or not, only yourself and RM can decide how to resolve this.  Whether that is to not communicate or communicate.  When I read some of it I think of the phrase, flogging a dead horse. 

Curious why you added the comment that you agree with jac too.  *Sigh* this isn't going to be another now we're taking sides, who's better jac or bean, I hope?  Cause I don't think either jac or I are "right."  There's no right or wrong about who's interpreting my actions correcly, see?

I hope you believe me when I say I'm not taking sides.... I like Jac and I like you Bean, I also like RM.  I can honestly say there is no one on this board that I don't like, and I do think that everyone adds value here.  Just that I agreed with the paragraph that Jac had posted.  Is that ok?

You're right Bean, I don't like witnessing pain... does anyone?  I don't like conflict either and I've had to work hard not to be a doormat.  That is to do with my past, however I am happy with where I am and how I got here now.

Thank you for answering those questions.  You've said what you would like RM to do but that is out of your control hon. 

You have a good brain and I don't think you are playing a game or manipulative. 

Take care

H&H xx

[penelope]

H&H-

thanks you too.

And my brain (and intelligence) was just given to me by God, so I can't really take credit for it.

But my heart, I believe is all my own doing.   

pb

[reallyME]

You summed it up neatly, Jac.  I couldn't agree more

[bean as guest]

I agree, you got me totally pegged jac.

I do do all these things (well most, anyway).  But, I also do other things too.. It's OK.  Thanks for sharing what I've done to you, that's all I wanted to know.  Now I'll try hard not to do them to you. 

Thank you for setting your boundary with me.  Now we can both post here in peace.

pb

[bean as guest]

he he, these are kind of funny if you read them enough times.

I guess I haven't met a human being that isn't like this. 

(I am not talking to jac or reallyme, just talking aloud to whoever).

pb