It's lonely here...

[Chicken]

Happy New Year to one and All,

I am feeling quite miserable today and feel like venting.
I am thinking of going to see a counsellor again.  This time a male counsellor...  I don't want to go back to the old one.
The thing is that I want to be at peace with myself. 

I am never satisfied with who I am.  I really don't like my self.  I am spending too much time alone and i don't like it. 
It's what I want at the time, but then it gets to a point where I feel like such a loser.  I crave a life full of friends and people I can be close to...  and it's not happening, in fact I am not building a future like that...  I am isolating myself and I hate it.   I don't have a problem making friends at all.  I could have a life full of friends if I wanted to, believe me. 

...But I can't handle friendships either, when they get too close, there are a lot of anxieties and insecurities that make me feel like running for cover away from everyone again and I need time away from people again.  I can't handle people.  They wreck my head!
How come people find it easy to be around others?  I want that so much...  but I only want it when I don't have it, when i am feeling social and have a lot of friends, I feel engulfed. 

I feel like I am trapped... 

For as long as I remember, I have always isolated myself like this.  I will slowly withdraw from people so much so that my phone doesn't ring anymore.  Then I feel so lonely and insignificant.  I feel like the whole world is out there having a life and I am left behind.  I can't take it anymore.  Right now, I am finding my exN very tempting.  Why? 

My main concern is that I will end up in another destructive relationship, I fear this will happen as I find those dynamics very enticing, even still after all I have been through. 

I am so worried I will never find love also!  I am doomed to a life of isolation...

[insomniac]

Selkie,

It sounds to me like you may be an introvert.  It's not that introverts don't want or can't make friends, but they also need alone time to recharge the batteries.

I am just learning for myself that it's okay to be an introvert.  The challenge is to recognize when you need some time alone and take it before the stress builds up so much that you have to isolate yourself completely for a while.

[spyralle]

C'mon Selks... xxx

It's New Year so that is gonna hype up the lonliness factor no end...  I ate Christmas dinner this year in complete silence and it was really awful. but Selkie do you really want the pain that the exN is going to bring,.  Me of course,. I'm a fine one to talk as I'm sitting here doing exactly the same thing,.  i must just also point out at this stage that I do not have a punctuation deficit but i was eating toast and jam over my key board and now it is all gunked up.....

anyway back to business.  As usual you seem to be right where I am.  I want to isolate.  I feel happy in my own space.  Well not happy but safe somehow.  Then when it becomes really silent I start to feel really lonely.  Then when I am with people I want to be alone.  i guess we are just learning Selkie.  Learning and growing and hopefully one day we may be able to find the right balance...

Spyralle xxxxxxxx

[Hopalong]

Hey Selkie,
I wonder if the pain and drama of relationships with unhealthy men is like temporary fix...(sure has been for me, though I'm not an introvert.) I have gone after men in the past out of a place of desperate loneliness. And that set me up to overlook red flags so big I think Cristo designed them.

I was going to ask if you've ever participated in group therapy, or support groups? Might be something very strengthening about that for you. Just an intuition, but because they're not "social" relationships, and because they'll have Is and Es and people in between...and if they're guided by a good facilitator, it could be a very interesting bridge into a more balanced life.

You'd be less isolated because every week you'd be meeting with people who also have self-esteem things or other issues they want to work through. You'd be practicing dialogue and also learning to listen in a new way (not saying you don't know how, but the "empathic" or "mirroring" kind of listening that's modeled in many therapy groups was an eye-opener to me...

Then as a result of some of the practice in that setting...your social forays might be more balanced. Instead of all or nothing (isolation vs. engulfment w/an unhealthy man)--you could begin experiencing a middle way.

You think maybe?
I wish you every bit of courage and strength for change, you're not a static creature.
And you don't have to go backward...

Hugs,
Hopalong

[Chicken]

Thanks for your replies...

I think I need to make more of an effort to get out and about...  Life all about balance, it's ok for me to spend a good deal of time alone once I balance it with spending quality time with friends and remaining in their lives.  I have to push myself out sometimes.  I get stuck in the mud, and as Hopalong says I am not a static creature, no one is.

Thanks for listening, I am off to meet a friend x

[Chicken]

I was going to ask if you've ever participated in group therapy, or support groups? Might be something very strengthening about that for you. Just an intuition, but because they're not "social" relationships, and because they'll have Is and Es and people in between...and if they're guided by a good facilitator, it could be a very interesting bridge into a more balanced life.

You'd be less isolated because every week you'd be meeting with people who also have self-esteem things or other issues they want to work through. You'd be practicing dialogue and also learning to listen in a new way (not saying you don't know how, but the "empathic" or "mirroring" kind of listening that's modeled in many therapy groups was an eye-opener to me...

Then as a result of some of the practice in that setting...your social forays might be more balanced. Instead of all or nothing (isolation vs. engulfment w/an unhealthy man)--you could begin experiencing a middle way.

You think maybe?
I wish you every bit of courage and strength for change, you're not a static creature.
And you don't have to go backward...

Hugs,
Hopalong

Hi Hopalong, I'm regurgitating an old post here, just so I can ask you if you have any idea how one goes about finding these group things you talk about.  I went to a CoDa group thing once and it was a disaster.  The coordinator didn't show up and someone I knew was at the meeting also which made me freeze up and feel awkward as hell! 
What other groups are out there do you think?
Thanks in advance!
Selkie

[Brigid]

Selkie,
I don't mean to answer in place of Hops, but I have a couple of suggestions.  Are you a member of any faith community?  Quite often they have support groups of many different kinds (grief, loss of a child, divorce, alcoholism, etc.).  Most will let you participate even if you are not a member of the congregation.  Do you live anywhere near a college or university?  That may be another source of information.  I know that in my local community newspaper, we have a calendar which lists meetings for various types of support groups.  See if you have something like that in your area.  Finally, you can try some of the local hospitals.  They also quite often have classes and support groups that meet on a regular basis.

I hope that helps.

Brigid

[movinon]

Selkie,

I have done quite a lot of therapy and am a member of a number of groups that now have therepists as members.  I personally like the 12-step groups.  A good one for interpersonal relationships is SLAA.  If one of your parents was an alcoholic (diagnosed or not) ACA is a very effective program.  Both of these programs are very "heavy" and go much, much deeper than Coda, AA etc. The motto of any 12-step group is to attend at least 6 meeting to decide if it's a fit for you.  They also are very tolerant of different belief systems.

I also attended a domestic violence group that was facilitated by a therapist and do extensive work in women's empowerment - http://www.womanwithin.org/index.htm

I hope you don't mind me replying to this post, all this work is just near and dear to my heart and has literally saved my life.

Good luck,
Movinon

[Chicken]

Hi Brigid,
Thanks for that.  I didn't mean to single out Hopalong so that no one else responds.  It's lovely to hear suggestions from anyone willing to share!   
I am interested in maybe the faith thing, but I don't really want to be preached at 100%.  I guess if I had to choose a faith I'd most identify with, it would perhaps be Buddhism...  do you think they do group meetings?  If anyone has an idea about this, please let me know.  It's a good suggestion and I'd like to feel like I belong somewhere.
Thanks,
Selkie

[Chicken]

Selkie,

I have done quite a lot of therapy and am a member of a number of groups that now have therepists as members.  I personally like the 12-step groups.  A good one for interpersonal relationships is SLAA.  If one of your parents was an alcoholic (diagnosed or not) ACA is a very effective program.  Both of these programs are very "heavy" and go much, much deeper than Coda, AA etc. The motto of any 12-step group is to attend at least 6 meeting to decide if it's a fit for you.  They also are very tolerant of different belief systems.

I also attended a domestic violence group that was facilitated by a therapist and do extensive work in women's empowerment - http://www.womanwithin.org/index.htm

I hope you don't mind me replying to this post, all this work is just near and dear to my heart and has literally saved my life.

Good luck,
Movinon

Hi Movinon,
Thanks for your response.  Do you think they do group therapy in the UK?  Does it cost as much as normal one-on-one therapy?  I am kinda looking for something that won't cost a lot of money as I am poor!   
I like the SLAA one, I will research that now.  I never heard of it.
Thanks again,
Selkie

[movinon]

Selkie,

I know slaa is worldwide, but it depends on how big your city is.  The bigger cities usually have more meetings.  The beauty about 12-step is that it costs only what you can afford to put into the basket at meetings.

My group therapy was actually less expensive than one-on-one.  It's usually been covered by insuance as well, but I know therapy in the UK is viewed a bit differently than the US.

I know that Woman Within is in the South of England about twice a year and then there is a support group that is offered after that.  I know groups that have been together for over 10 years.  The initial cost is high, but it is equivalent to 2 years of therapy and scholorships are offered for those of US that are "poor".

A side-note for slaa, some people only have the "l" part and not the "s" part and fit in just as well.

Hope this helps,

Movinon