Guilt

[lupine]

I

[Brigid]

Lupine,
Have you considered getting some professional help, or are you currently seeing a therapist?  If not, I think it could be very beneficial to you right now.  The guilt can eat you alive and keep you from making good decisions as you move through the divorce process.  Are there children involved?  If so, you need to be thinking clearly so as to protect yourself and the kids for the future.  I have so many friends who went through the divorce in a fog, agreed to many things which were detrimental to them and came away with a very poor settlement.  Once their heads cleared, it was too late to change what had already been signed, sealed and delivered.  This resulted in years of anger and bitterness at the unfairness of the settlement which then prevented them from being able to pick up and move on and be happy again.

The two things you need when going through a divorce--especially if he is n--are a good therapist and a good lawyer.  That is your best hope for getting through this intact and able to jump start your life again.

Hugs,

Brigid

[ANewSheriff]

lupine,

First of all, you are lucky to have such a friend who will speak to you so truthfully.  True friends do such things in order to help us grow and heal.  

Guilt.  I suppose we all feel it from time to time.  It does not appear to serve much purpose.  Afterall, guilt is mostly related to things in the past.  Things we cannot change.  So why do we hang on?  

I have clutched onto guilt in the past.  Personally, I can tell you that my willingness to drag around that ball and chain was almost always related to my level of self esteem at any given time.  If I was struggling with my self worth, then my boundaries were compromised.  Compromised boundaries led to unhealthy infringements (ie: guilt).  For me guilt is just a nasty little demon rearing its ugly head and screaming, "You are not worthy.  You are not good.  And, here are all the things you have done wrong to prove it."

Today, I do subscribe to the notion that when we know better we do better.  If I make mistake (which is fairly a routine exercise for me) I make a sincere amend as soon as I can do so.  And, then I make a concerted effort not to make that same mistake again because that is ultimately the most meaningful amend one can make - to change the behavior.

In your case...  Well, mental illness is very sad.  But, lupine...  It is not your mental illness.  It does not beliog to you.  You have done all that you can do and it is time for you to leave this and move on with your life.  Again, this speaks to the issue of healthy boundaries.

Mental illness, alcoholism, narcissism - all of these claim victims with a ravenous appetite.  Have they not claimed enough already?  Why throw yourself onto the smorgasboard as well?  This has taken enough from you.  I hope you can separate some of this out.  I know it is very difficult.  But, it sounds like you have cared for and loved this persona through a lot.  It is now your time.  

ANS              

[jordanspeeps]

Hey lupine,

I think what I am doing by posting or maybe what I want to do is put this all out there in writing so I can look at it and maybe someone else can see it and then it becomes something outside of me and then I can deal with it 

Welcome, this is a great place for that very thing!  And I can relate to the statement by your husband in some ways.  Your mom did train you to be guilty, as my mom did.  It was part of our indoctrination as children.  While other kid's were learning chores we were learning how to feel bad about not cow-towing to our mothers' whims and anticipating their every needs. I also relate to the resulting self-isolation. It's only been recently that I've been able to re-connect with the world after about 3 years.  It's not so easy to forget and "move on."  They are your blood and although we hate them, there is that old adage: there's a thin line between love and hate.  There's also a thin line between guilt and happiness.  When the "guilties" come, just remember their source, your warped, perverse, clingy, emotionally destitute Nmom and do your best to re-mother yourself.  You can give yourself, what your Nmom chose not to give you.  You can instill re-inforce positivity and pride and hope and esteem into your own life. 

I'm sorry you were robbed of a good mother experience.  I wish the best for you and please know there are many others 'singing your song' here who can relate to your intense frustration.

Best to you, lupine
Tiffany