can't stand my mother can't stand my brotherr

[english]

I hate them I hate them I hate them I hate them I hate them I hate them I hate them I hate them I hate them I hate them I hate them I hate them

He is as narcissistic as she is.  She protects him and defends his narcissism to the death.  They are a loathesome duo.  She thinks he is three years old and he is 45.  She babies him and when he lays down the law and demands that everyone bend over backwards to accommodate his selfishness she tells me I should think of him as though I have a mongol brother, ie that he is an emotional cripple, I suppose, and as such totally in HER control.

My family is so sick and narcissistic.  His birthday is coming up and he will not accept any presents, except that he will deign to accept shares, and only shares.  He is horribly vilely frighteningly mean and every disgusting peice of his behaviour is defended by her. 

I hate them.  Having anything to do with them is like drinking a draft of poison to me.

[english]

I apologise for that outburst.  Just felt like exploding after coming off the phone from my nmother.  Thought that some of you might understand the frustration of trying to deal with people whose behaviour is so warped and then turn round and tell you that you are the one with the problem.  Its crazy-making and I don't know how to deall with it now I'm actually trying to have boundaries and respect myself.

[mudpuppy]

So do you have siblings or are you an only child?

Well she said she hates her brother so she doesn't seem to be an only child, though she might wish that she is.

Thought that some of you might understand the frustration of trying to deal with people whose behaviour is so warped and then turn round and tell you that you are the one with the problem.

I suspect that most of us do.

mud

[english]

No I'm not an only child.  I have an older brother who is part of the loathsome duo with my mother.  My father is actually okay and has not been with my mother for decades.  She is desperately narcissistic (hard, cruel), and he is just as narcissistic (weak, paranoid) and she has taken the role of his controller/protector.  He demands that everyone goes to extraordinary lengths to accomodate him and when I definitely get the feeling my boundaries will get violated unless I'm very careful, mother jumps in to defend him and starts verbally attacking me.  I'm on the outside of the cliquey pair and to be fended off from their sicko club. Thank goodness is all I can say.  It presses buttons for me though that my mother should decide that my brother is god and that I am the problem.  (cinderella and the ugly sisters... springs to mind).

Thanks for responding.

[jordanspeeps]

Hi english

I believe we grew up in the same household, you and I.  Sounds like we have the same mother and brother, (actually I also have and sneaky Nsister to add to the fray)!  Does it ever seem almost incestuous to you, the relationship between your mother and brother? Like ewwww, something seems a little inappropriate?  I usually keep that sentiment to myself, but I have wondered if anyone else sees that in these situations such as yours and mine, where Nmom and Nbrother form a sickening duo.  Really, is there anything worse?!!!  It's maddening, and I'm sorry this is your life, english.   Keep posting, it may help more than you know to compare notes and to vent.

Oh, and the Cinderella reference is one that's come to mind many times when I consider my siblings and the relentless favourtism my mother shows her children.  The fact that while my siblings are also victims, they have made a choice to practice the same foolhardy wickedness of my mother, only highlights that cinderella feeling.  Actually my mother manages to be both the evil step-mother and the wicked witch in one fable, which get's a little tiring.  You don't really know which way to turn, do you?  I'd like to explore the Narcissism in Traditional Fables and Folklore at some other time if you'd like.  There's a whole lot there, I think.  Anyway, english, welcome and all the best to you as you weather the storms with your family.

Tiffany

[adrift]

English,

  Please vent all you want.  We understand. I don't/didn't  have the sibling duo thing to contend with but my mom made sure my dad "knew" what a worthless person I was.  Divide and conquer was her strategy and she did it very well.  Of course my father very willingly played the game, never realizing he was being totally manipulated, but he was really more of an N than she was, according to the diagnostics.

Coming here and venting and finding understanding and support has been wonderful for me and I hope the same for you.   I totally understand when you say they are "crazy-making"---I'm sorry you have to endure that.  Is it possible for you to completely cut them out of your life?  However, in suggesting that I'm suggesting something I never had the guts to do,,,,,my peace only came about after my parent's death AND after I dealt with the emotional crap  I had stuffed for so long.  I couldn't do it/deal with it  while they were alive, it  was taking all I had too just hang on. 

Adrift

[gratitude28]

english,
GOOD FOR YOU. Getting all that anger out is a great start. You need to really hold that anger for a bit and tire yourself of it. And when you decide you don't want to be angry anymore, make sure you find someone to help you work through the hurt from your family. Don't do what so many of have done... turn on yourself. I finally feel free from my family. I see tham for what they are (sick, abnormal, not a part of me). But I hurt myself for a long time, because I thought since they felt I was unloveable, it was the truth. I have a great life now, and no place for the anger that consumed me for a long time. But I needed to feel all that.
Please keep posting and venting. That's why this board is here!!!!!!!
Love, Beth

[Certain Hope]

Welcome, English,

  My parents are not totally N, but close enough to be a perennial problem. They both cater to my only brother, as well.
He's 56 going on 3. I understand your anger and I think it's great for you to be able to get it out, lest you implode!!  Glad you're here.

Tiff,

 I saw enough of that incestuous-appearing bond between N-ex-husband and his mother to know that it's been a lifelong sick attachment. Re:  Actually my mother manages to be both the evil step-mother and the wicked witch in one fable, which get's a little tiring.  ... sorry, but I had to laugh. You do have a way with words    Thanks for the chuckle and I gotta tell you it's so reassuring to hear that you are able to communicate so well, with so much strength, after all that you've been through.

Hope you all have a wonderful night.

Love,
Hope

[English]

"I think an N like my Mom, with all of her self-loathing and need for N supply to combat that, projects upon her son (her creation) the N-ego and all that she would like to be and grooms him to see her that way;  he then becomes in some sick way the only one she can really "love" in any sense of the word and he in return gives her never ending N-supply." 

I think this is really what its about.  Although my mother hasn't created a thing she would like to be (he is weak, paranoid), he expresses what she is inside and this is the reason he must be protected to the death.  Because if he expresses her reality and she is perfect, then he must be defended in order to defend herself.  The way she defends him with an attacking (me) vigour is not like a mother between two siblings.  Its like .... I don't know what its like, its so weird.  It feels like arguing with a spiteful nine year old.

And what are we supposed to do with the inevitable anger and frustration?  How do you deal with having a family that is so screwed up and a mother who doesn't like you?  I really don't know where to go with it.  Its reassuring to know, Adrift, that peace from them can come after they are dead as I've been wondering about that one and whether I will continue to suffer but this time from guilt for the years I've resented her and the lack of compassion I feel for her.  We'll see what happens about that one; as things are going I fully expect her to dole out some kind of nasty surprise in her will.

English

[jordanspeeps]

Hi english

  And what are we supposed to do with the inevitable anger and frustration?  How do you deal with having a family that is so screwed up and a mother who doesn't like you?  I really don't know where to go with it. 

english, I know EXACTLY how you feel when you say this. I don't know really what you are supposed to do with the anger and frustration, but you really should try a little of everything until you find the answer.  And you may find that what works today, may become old and cease to help tomorrow.  I believe the sad but true reality is that we will never really be completely at ease with having non-mothers for mothers but, it is our reality.  We shouldn't let it poison us and rob us of a decent existence. 

And as for her Last Will, you really should expect that she will use it to hurt you in some way.  N's are NOTORIOUS for exacting cowardly vengeance from beyond the grave.  It's so theatrical and grandiose for them.  You should, [SW]: I really mean, "I" should, separate yourself (myself) from the idea that her money should be rightfully yours upon her death.  With the intense level of selfishness typical in these Nmoms, she probably doesn't really feel you deserve it and she probably thinks you should try and 'earn' it from her.  Like that older, taller bully that dangles the toy over the runt of the bunch and makes him jump higher and higher for it.  He doesn't want the kid to have his toy, he wants to torture him and ultimately he will destroy the toy before he lets the little kid have it.   

With her own past track record of disappointment, would you be so suprised if she disappointed you one more time this way?  I believe the relief you will find will come from trying to heal the wound your mom has left with the soothing, salve of yourself.  We have to fill ourselves with the things mom couldn't give us.   We have to have a running dialog that coaches us through difficult times when we feel cheated and angry at such a freak of nature.  It feels unnatural doesn't it? To have a mom who never mothered.  It's a downright bum deal is what I really feel!  But I try to bring it all back together, by balancing the scales and weighing the pros.  We survived, we have the good sense to see that something's wrong there at home.  Our mothers could have died when we were infants or we could have been adopted, or  myriad other scenarios could have left us just as motherless.  Sometimes, I like to think of myself as an orphaned child, who has to make it out in this mean, mean world alone and whose made a decision to make an adventure out of it.  All the great heroes and heroines were born this way!  Through this struggle, something beautiful can come.  Best to you english, keep venting!

and Certain Hope: chuckle on, I always did fancy myself a bit of a comic. 

later
Tiff