Anger and pampering

[adrift]

O.K., I have to finally admit this to myself.  DH (dear husband) has anger issues and they aren't all my fault.  The only way to keep him happy is to pamper him with lots of affection, totally disregard any bad feelings I have and focus on building him  up.  Of course he'd say this isn't true, but it is.  I've tried for so long to head off his anger/moods, to "fix" things, I've allowed myself to be the scapegoat, take the blame, etc....  I'm sure y'all know what I mean.  Of course he sees it totally and he's so convincing that I've let him convince me for years that everything has been my fault.  My BF (best friend) would tell me I wasn't to blame, but I wouldn't believe her.  Now that I'm finally releasing myself from the guilt I had over my parents (the fact that I was never what they wanted, was never good enough for them) and I'm feeling SO much better about myself, I find that I also am not letting DH manipulate me like before.  I'm not jumping to appease him, etc.....   Now before I make myself sound like a saint (cause I ain't) there have been PLENTY of times that I've been a witch for no good reason and in the heat of arguements have hurled insults at DH and even said I hated him (which he refuses to forget).  But all in all, I think I've moved on and he hasn't it.  Nearly every word I say is scrutinized and is usually used against me in some weird way in which it was never meant.   Our marriage is deteriorating now because I refuse to keep coming back after an incident (large or small) and snuggle up and say "I'm sorry that happened" and do whatever it takes to bring him around to pleasantness.  I'm tired of it.  Everything isn't my fault,  I'm not here to fix everything.  I want to be able to be me, not someone who is appreciated for 1) how I look and 2) how much I pamper another person.  And why is it, that no matter how good I look, it's never good enough?? Other guys will be looking at me and DH doesn't even notice I exist.  Whenever I ask him how I look, I get a neutral reply.

I'm so confused I don't even know what to write next, so I'll just stop.

Adrift

[Certain Hope]

Hi Adrift,

  I'm sorry... sounds like you're feeling pretty invisible to your husband. Have you told him these feelings you've expressed here?
I just wonder whether he really thinks it's your duty to keep him happy or if that's a "job" you've taken upon yourself over the past 20 years. The longest I've ever been married is 15, but I know that's a long time to be building bad relational habits and it can take some very drastic, open, active communication and action to break out of that rut.
   Have you asked your husband what he wants/expects/needs from you in order to not only maintain your marriage, but start the relationship on a new track of growth? Maybe he doesn't even know... but his response might prove to be enlightening. I remember you said that consistency was a big issue with him. How is he willing to be consistent in his role as husband? What could he do to help you maintain a more even keel?
   In just the two years of my current marriage, it's become obvious that both my husband and I are the sort who close down, turn inward, and tend to sulk when there's any sort of offense or resentment in the air. Takes alot of work and humility on the part of each of us to get past all that and be willing to share, but as we've done that, I've found that I'd made alot of wrong assumptions about what he expected of me and also my own view of him was deeply affected by men in my past with whom relationships had failed. There was plenty of old junk to get out of the way before I could even see him for who he truly is.... or even care to see him. I think that's where it all begins... being willing to see and willing to try to understand. If you're willing, there is hope. Is he willing? I guess that's what you need to find out from him? Blessings to you.

Love,
Hope

[gratitude28]

adrift!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This is wonderful!!!!! You are finding out who you are and what you like and what is good for you!
You must realize that after years of things being a certain way, there WILL BE upheaval at the new changes. But it sounds to me like the changes can only be positive!!!
Now, I would say the big thing is to figure out:
1) What changes you want to see in your relationship
2) How are you going to approach hubby about these changes
There are a lot of ways to bring up what you need, and I think there are good ways that can amke hubby WANT to make changes as well.
What if you put on something pretty and said, "I want to look nice for YOU. What do you think of this?"
Or, what if you said, "I am sorry you feel that way about what I said. I was joking with you because I love you and want us to have fun together."
Some ideas... I don't know if they will help. But I have learned that my attitude with my husband makes a BIG difference in our relationship. When he was deployed before and called, I was upset about this or that and made him feel it was his fault. Now I tell him how happy I am that he called, and I tell him about the good things and then add what I feel I need to complain about. When he understands that I am happy to talk to him, he can take the complaints and such.
I hope some of this makes sense!!!!
I am sooooooo happy for you adrift. You have made such a HUGE step!!!!
Love, Beth

[shanny]

Dear Adrift.

I can really relate to what you said about always being the one to say you are sorry and taking on blame for things you aren't to blame for.  I do it because I want everything to be pink clouds and I'm always craving his affection. I think I can fix things. I have spoiled my husband who blames me for things that are really his own shortcomings that he's too embarrassed to take responsibility for.  The other day he was mowing our small farm and I did not go out to see if he needed any help.  So by the time I got out there he was pissed that I had not gone out to mark the sewer caps on the sewer line. before he was to mow there.  Jeepers, Im not a mind reader  So when I got out there he was so pissed and tired he had been mowing along time and instead of giving me time to walk in front of him and find them then he just ran over them in a rage just to SHOW ME.  I believe he was embarrassed at his own lack and behavior.  He was also frustrated at the lack of help.  Earlier he told me he had it all handled out there and for me to have time to work inside the house. I felt worthless and bad.  Well i am a pretty good plummer but I refused to go out there and fix it and take the responsibility for his BABY FIT.  When he went to fix it, I took the partnership and went out to support him and even helped him with a difficult fitting.  But I was treading on the delicate territory of being controlling when I made the suggestion.  When we invite abuse by taking responsibility for things that we dont own then comes more and it can turn into quite the hey day.  I was proud of him for listening to my expertise.  It's just like walking on quick sand sometimes. But I take my hat off to your decision not to be responsible for everything he chooses to blame you for.  It's just a childish choice on his part.  And youre choosing to be an adult and be happier.  So joy to you my sister.
Shanny

[Plucky]

Congrats Adrift,
you have started a big change in your life.  I applaud your realisation and your ability to see clearly now.

You and your H have been doing a dance for a while now.  All of a sudden, you are changing the steps.  He is going to take a while to adjust.  Try not to judge his response until after he has had a chance to register the changes and see if he is going to make changes of his own. 

Above all, don't go back in order to accomodate him!

Sorry I'm so brief but I have no time these days.
Plucky

[Certain Hope]

Shanny,

  Just wanted to say Welcome to the board    I like the way you said:  "When he went to fix it, I took the partnership and went out to support him and even helped him with a difficult fitting."   I can be pretty good at doing the mind-reading part and anticipating my husband's needs, but I've also seen how that can become a problem if he comes to expect me to be both the "set up" and "clean up" crew every time he decides to tackle a project. Much better to work alongside, I think!

Beth,

   Your way of letting your husband know that you're glad to hear from him and not just lay out a list of problems straight off is so good and makes perfect sense to me! I've been really concentrating on doing the same here at home and it sure helps to keep everything in balance.

Love,
Hope

[adrift]

Well, so much for my spine. I'm already backpeddling.  He got aggravated this a.m. and I just smiled and made nice and when he wanted to know if I was just agreeing with him or really meant what I said (which is a preface to an argument if I don't handle it just right) I said I was sincere.  He tried to call me on it, but I replied with a smile, "Well, you accept things I say in order for us to get along, so that's what I'm doing". 

In all truth, it's like this.  Life is short, mine's at least half over, I've got two young kids, I gotta make the best of it, even if it means keeping my mouth shut for forever. "For better or worse, for better or worse".....

Adrift

[moonlight52]

Hi      ANGER IS PART OF THE PROCESS HEALTHY AND GOOD THEN WE CAN STEP BEYOND ANGER ONCE ANGER HAS SERVED
ITS PURPOSE THAT IS SOMETHING EACH PERSON KNOWS FOR THEMSELVES WHEN THE ANGER AND FEAR CAN BE PUT TO REST.

MOON

[Certain Hope]

Dear Adrift,

  I had a terribly hard time with this at first and my husband is not an angry person.
He doesn't yell or curse or get an attitude and I know he'd much rather have me talk with hiim than to clam up and sulk.
The reason for my fear and hesitation was within me and had nothing to do with him whatsoever. It was my anger that I'd stuffed and my resentment that I'd harbored which built up into this monumental pile of crud that I couldn't even imagine confronting.
   It's so much easier to take one little thing at a time... which reminds me, timing is everything, even if you have to make an appointment to have a talk. Definitely not as he's going out the door to work or first coming home.
    Please realize that this is not a one-time pass or fail test. It takes practice and truly, apprehension can be the biggest part of the battle. Since I've begun to learn how to raise concerns immediately when they crop up (well, at least within 24 hours) they don't get a chance to simmer and brew. The little things don't make ya so mad when you've not been storing them forever and a day, so it's easier to discuss them reasonably and work toward some resolution. What does your husband do/say if you quietly tell him, for instance, that you would really appreciate... umm... if he'd help with feeding and caring for the household pets? If you could give an example (if you'd like to) might help to understand.

With love,
Hope

[Hopalong]

Dear Adrift,
Life is very precious and short and full of hard transitions and new beginnings.

Have you and your DH given marital counseling a serious go? If you haven't, hope you might consider it. If you have and there's this much toxicity...

Don't know how to finish that thought.
But please don't write off your life. You have value. Your time, your years, your hope of happiness.

Hops

[gratitude28]

Hi adrift,
Don't be so hard on yourself... you can't break a bad habit all at once. Don't let the defeatest attitude creep in! It will take lots of repetition for you and for him before you both get stronger!
And I agree, it would be a great example to the girls if you could show them what a healthy relationshiop between parents should be!
Hugs,
Beth

[moonlight52]

Hi Adrift ,
 Please like Beth wisely says do not be hard on yourself Mr moon and I have had a hard year and we are going to couples counseling and it is helping a lot.

At least it is not like when our little family went years ago and my hubby and daughter  pointed to me and told the therapist" it's all her fault.
The therapy is well worth it.

Love to you
MoonLight

It is not easy and I know how just worn out in spirit it can feel.............

[moonlight52]

tt ,
That may be my saving grace .I have experienced lack of love,that is called dysfunctional.

It seems the world is turning itself inside out.All the lint of all the pockets must come out.

All fears ,and unexplored emotions and unexpressed words seems to be all coming out.

No hiding truth.Truth be told I have learned much from my N father much to be grateful for,not to envy  money,knowing the importance of love,you do not hurt your children ,children need respect.

Take my hand ,look into others eyes ,what do you see?

Give the fullness of your presence.What is my path to wholeness?And the answer is always love.

All my love to you tt we know to say I love you to loved ones the day can be short All my love to you

Your kindness is  reason I think I can forgive myself for my mistakes............

Sweetest of Dreams to you tt   Thank you   In my youth there was anger not a lot

Big hugs ,

MoonLight


P.S tt Something I believe is to look within that is what you can change one of the mistakes I repeated over and over was to take offense
when later I realized none was meant by the other person .Once observing this in self made me watchful I still do made these errors.
and gosh darn sorry when I do .I do not do them as much..............................

[Hopalong]

Hi Adrift,

I want to apologize if there was a defeatist tone in my post...I can't know what is right for you to do, but I hope you'll get tons of support for whatever you decide. It just sounds so painful.

I don't know what's right for you, but I do know you have more strength than you know.

Please keep posting.

love,
Hops

[adrift]

Hi!


No need for any apologies!! Y'all are the greatest.  Things have been good the last few days AND I've been totally fascinated by the latest Jonbenet Ramsey developements, that's why I haven't been here.


Hope all of you are well.

Adrift