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leaving N husband. advice??

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lynn:
Thank you for your support.  In the last couple of days, I went to two different attorneys and got two pretty different answers.  One advised me to move out of the house and the other one said moving out puts a lot of financial issues at risk.  One said move money into your own account, the other one said that moving money really pisses people off and you end up putting gas on the fire right at the start... better to play it slow and low.

Since my original post, N husband has telephone several times.  Guess what, he loves me and wants to make everything better.  I think that if I stay focused and strong, I can give myself more time to get a plan in place.  

An observation of myself:  Since reading and learning more about Narciccism, I hear him in an entirely different way.

I had hoped to get divorce papers filed as soon as he gets back into town.  I am thinking now that I had better get my plan in place. My fear is how I am going to act around him.  What to say.  I definitely don't want to send him an "everythings okay" message.  

Sometimes I feel really confident and other moments I am super scared.

rosencrantz:
Probably the most important thing is not to challenge or confront him in any way.  

First of all, it alerts him to what you are doing and he will manipulate you (and everyone around you) in every way possible to get the outcome he wants.  If you think that being 'honest' is important, well, I'd suggest it should no longer be a priority.  Think about what you want to achieve and then work on how to get there and don't expect him to help you achieve it.  Beyond that it really doesn't matter what 'messages' you give him.  I'd anticipate that you'd be safer if you DO give him an 'everything's OK' message.

Secondly, it will push his buttons - and only you will know what kind of behaviour that will produce.

As far as the solicitors are concerned - there's what works 'legally' and there's what works taking into account the 'human' factor.  You need someone who understands how narcissists tick.  I'd take a guess that slow and low is the right way to go.

They say that it takes a woman seven times to go through the process of 'I'm leaving, OK I'll stay cos I feel guilty and anyway you've promised you'll change' until she finally gets the message that promised changes don't get followed through in the long term.  

If you feel yourself wavering, just remember that and decide whether you really want to go through this process time and again - cos it gets harder every time.

Good luck
R

phoenix:
bye

lynn:
Thank you for your replies.  Your input is extremely valuable.  You asked for more of my background.  I am trying to write it down and I'm having a hard time.  As I reread my words below, they seem so wooden and they do little to communicate the twisted life I have lived in.   But I would like to share this with you so...

Here's a bit more on my background.  I married N right out of college 23 years ago.  He was a year ahead of me in school and had a job when I graduated so I followed him to another state and we got married.  His work has been a constant issue.  I didn't understand paranoia and personality disorders at the time... Instead, I completely bought into the stories he wove.  He was passionate, upset and convincing about the bad situation at whatever his current job was. And, as the a young woman, I wanted to create my own story of a happy home and a happy marriage and an exiciting life. So I would compromise, give up my opinion. We moved frequently as he ran from one job to another. We criss crossed the country.  It was difficult for me because I was constantly trying to estabalish roots and friendships.  He's the type that is a great achiever, so along the way he gets promoted, makes more money, gets greater respect... in effect becomes more powerful.  

I have struggled unknowingly with my husband for years.  I can not remember a time when I felt good about my relationship.  N wove a grandiose story of happiness and success and fulfillement achieved through hard work that he would give to me.   And he did work hard and long hours and many jobs.  I live in a fairly nice house, drive a nice car, have financial investments with N.  We are certainly not rich, but we have do have some assets. We have two kids, my son is 19 and in college, my daughter is 16 and living at home.  

N is not controlling of the things I do within my day - as long as they don't interfeir with his plans.   In fact, he could care less what I do.  So I have lived a separate life during the days.  I worked most of my life.  I raised the kids and have great memories of my times when it was just the kids and me.

In terms of my relationship with N. I do not believe that N can feel empathy of any kind, in any way.  I have been voiceless in my relationship for so many years that it is difficult for me to speak at all.  My words have been twisted and distorted.  I have questioned and compromised my opinions and so much more.  I have felt frightened of so many things in the world and that fear translated in me staying with this man who told a great story. At this moment, in writing this post, I don't know what to say except that what I read about the Ns in your life is exactly what my life is.  You have validated my opinion and existence in a way that I have not felt if years.  The understanding that I feel from this anonomous, internet message board is greater than anything I have felt from my real, live relationship ever.

I do not love this man.  I am years away from any infatuation with his stories.  I have grieved the loss of my relationship for a long time now.  I hate him for what he's done to me.  I hate myself for my participation.  Yet, I don't have any malicious, vengeful feelings.  I simply want to get away.  Start anew.  I don't have any interest in punishing him.  

I think that I need to play this immediate situation out right... I thought that from what I read about Ns, if one lets their N know that the relationship is absolutely, completely over and that the support role is no longer available in any way... that the N  will likely move on to someone or something else.  That would be the best outcome.  What are the chances....

That why I want to be "honest".  Not so much out of an obligation to him... as it is an obligation to me.

That's the best I can do right now.  This writing may not capture the nature of my life, but it does give you some background information.

My love and strenght to all of you in a similar situation.

Anonymous:

--- Quote ---I think that I need to play this immediate situation out right... I thought that from what I read about Ns, if one lets their N know that the relationship is absolutely, completely over and that the support role is no longer available in any way... that the N  will likely move on to someone or something else.  That would be the best outcome.  What are the chances....
--- End quote ---


Lynn,

Don't bank on this. Some Ns will do whatever it takes to destroy the life of someone who injured them. Be honest with yourself - assess whether he has any retaliatory or sneaky aspects to him. If he does, you must protect yourself by not being totally honest with him. That could destroy you financially.

bunny

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