Thank you for your replies. Your input is extremely valuable. You asked for more of my background. I am trying to write it down and I'm having a hard time. As I reread my words below, they seem so wooden and they do little to communicate the twisted life I have lived in. But I would like to share this with you so...
Here's a bit more on my background. I married N right out of college 23 years ago. He was a year ahead of me in school and had a job when I graduated so I followed him to another state and we got married. His work has been a constant issue. I didn't understand paranoia and personality disorders at the time... Instead, I completely bought into the stories he wove. He was passionate, upset and convincing about the bad situation at whatever his current job was. And, as the a young woman, I wanted to create my own story of a happy home and a happy marriage and an exiciting life. So I would compromise, give up my opinion. We moved frequently as he ran from one job to another. We criss crossed the country. It was difficult for me because I was constantly trying to estabalish roots and friendships. He's the type that is a great achiever, so along the way he gets promoted, makes more money, gets greater respect... in effect becomes more powerful.
I have struggled unknowingly with my husband for years. I can not remember a time when I felt good about my relationship. N wove a grandiose story of happiness and success and fulfillement achieved through hard work that he would give to me. And he did work hard and long hours and many jobs. I live in a fairly nice house, drive a nice car, have financial investments with N. We are certainly not rich, but we have do have some assets. We have two kids, my son is 19 and in college, my daughter is 16 and living at home.
N is not controlling of the things I do within my day - as long as they don't interfeir with his plans. In fact, he could care less what I do. So I have lived a separate life during the days. I worked most of my life. I raised the kids and have great memories of my times when it was just the kids and me.
In terms of my relationship with N. I do not believe that N can feel empathy of any kind, in any way. I have been voiceless in my relationship for so many years that it is difficult for me to speak at all. My words have been twisted and distorted. I have questioned and compromised my opinions and so much more. I have felt frightened of so many things in the world and that fear translated in me staying with this man who told a great story. At this moment, in writing this post, I don't know what to say except that what I read about the Ns in your life is exactly what my life is. You have validated my opinion and existence in a way that I have not felt if years. The understanding that I feel from this anonomous, internet message board is greater than anything I have felt from my real, live relationship ever.
I do not love this man. I am years away from any infatuation with his stories. I have grieved the loss of my relationship for a long time now. I hate him for what he's done to me. I hate myself for my participation. Yet, I don't have any malicious, vengeful feelings. I simply want to get away. Start anew. I don't have any interest in punishing him.
I think that I need to play this immediate situation out right... I thought that from what I read about Ns, if one lets their N know that the relationship is absolutely, completely over and that the support role is no longer available in any way... that the N will likely move on to someone or something else. That would be the best outcome. What are the chances....
That why I want to be "honest". Not so much out of an obligation to him... as it is an obligation to me.
That's the best I can do right now. This writing may not capture the nature of my life, but it does give you some background information.
My love and strenght to all of you in a similar situation.
