Hi Jac,
As far as I am capable of knowing, I didn't have an honest relationship with either of my parents, and yet I always knew that they loved me and wanted to protect me... especially my Dad. I can see that I looked for love on the same basis that I saw it given and received in my family growing up... the difference in my case being that I viewed my heavenly Father as having my mother's critical spirit. So I set about my life trying to be perfect and finding alot of resentment from my intimates who did not want to be held to such a high standard. Not that I ever demanded they should... (I was a mouse)......just my simple presence in their lives seemed to have a similar effect on them as my mother's presence in my life had affected mine.
An aside... I have to comment on this because I've noticed it the last several times I've typed here about my parents. I capitalize "Dad" but not mother, when I refer to them. It's not deliberate... it just comes out that way... and no doubt has some deeper meaning, perhaps simply that Dad is a real person to me, whereas mother is merely an image, a fake.
And now I've totally forgotten where I was going with this originally, except to say... I know that security has always been a major issue with me. I've sought safety in my relationships with spouses and never found it to a satisfactory degree, even in the best of relationships, which is what I now have. The way I look at it, in order to be intimate with a saviour, one must admit to the need to be saved. Then the question is... saved from what exactly? I would say, saved from self.
If this salvation is viewed as a one time event, then one might accept it once and then proceed to try to earn from there on out what can only be received as a gift. Pride might take over, especially when neediness is viewed as the ultimate in degradations. I know, I'm blathering, but I do see what you're saying, Jac. The sort of honesty which is required... the tools needed to maintain intimacy... well, I can only express it as a complete relinquishment of all rights to self, based on a need which I cannot fill. Doesn't mean that I cease to be, only that I am willing to acknowledge that I cannot be (whole and complete) without Him. I can't be good enough, right enough, or ever do enough to make up for the deep lack within me which pride would seek to fill by learning, by accomplishment, by recognition, or even by giving till it hurts. I've given till it hurts and lost everything. It was from that place of utter emptiness that Jesus lifted me. He said, behold, I set before you life and death, blessing and cursing... choose life. And I did.
And you know... I had no workable tools at all. It was seeing that which finally woke me up.
Love,
Hope
