Learning to Roll with Change

[Certain Hope]

Hi,

   I found this article at the Focus on the Family website. It was specifically listed with those re: the "Empty Nest", but I can see how it applies to all of us who are peeling back the layers of false beliefs and finding that maybe we haven't ever really known our selves... at least that's how I've felt lately. It's written from a Christian perspective and includes Scripture references which I think do a good job to flesh it out, if anyone wants to read it in its entirety:   

http://troubledwith.com/stellent/groups/public//@fotf_troubledwith/documents/articles/twi_010977.cfm?channel=Transitions&topic=Empty%20Nest&sssct=Other%20Things%20to%20Consider

   A few excerpts:

   “Change is good.”
“The only thing constant is change.”
“You have to change with the times.”

These are just a few of the phrases we’ve all heard people say regarding the subject of change. But change is way too big a subject to sum up in a single phrase. Change wears too many hats.

I found this part especially relevant, re: the sort of changes we don't see coming...  the kind      that can turn our lives upside down in an instant. A tragic accident. A spouse who announces he wants a divorce. A teenage daughter’s revelation that she’s pregnant. These are the kinds of changes that may present the biggest challenge to those of us who think we control more than we actually do.

You can get pretty overwhelmed and jittery when you realize just how little you control of this life and circumstances

And this part, to which I'm really looking forward:   It's true, change forces us out of our comfort zones, stretches us in ways that might hurt for a little while. But the rewards can be astounding. In releasing the stale familiar, we clear the way for new experiences that can feed our thirsty souls and re-animate our lifeless dreams. Purged of the fears that held us back, we emerge as better people, more free and certainly more interesting.

And of course this, which we've discussed here alot in recent weeks:

Facing denial

One of the trendier phrases to come down the pike in the last decade is “He/She's in denial.”  Unfortunately, the sentiment has become trivialized through overuse; now we hear it uttered most often as a punch line. But clichés tend to become clichés because they are so true. Many of us would rather deny what we don’t care to accept. For example, I was so giddy over the comforting rituals in my adopted family’s household, I chose to ignore revelations of dysfunction and the nearly-manic efforts of my iron-willed “Mom” to keep up the appearance of one big happy family.

ouch.

I feel like I've faced and reckoned with the denials of "FOO" and "Ex-N" and all the many mini-N's in between. Now comes the tough part... facing myself. I don't yet have an empty nest, but the fallout from the past has left behind a similar sort of wasteland, so I can relate to that sense of... what do I do now??  Well, there's one Bible verse I must include because it's my own foundation for even bothering to continue the journey and it's the one used at the close of this article:

“‘Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed,’ says the Lord...” (Isaiah 54:10, NIV).

Blessings to all on the same journey.

With love,
Hope

[Brigid]

Hope,
Of course, this topic is close to my heart right now.  My b/f and I were out for dinner last night and talking about my upcoming change, as we have a fair amount recently, as it has understandably been affecting my moods.  While he has been trying hard to walk the delicate line of encouraging me to find some new direction for my life, while trying not to make me feel that I need to be desperate about it--it still comes across to me that he doesn't really get why it has been so hard for me to move in that direction.

I spent a lot of time thinking about this yesterday, wondering why I have been so resistant to looking for a job.  What I think it boils down to is, I just wasn't ready.  Over the last 4 years, I have had so many major changes and losses in my life, that I was forced to accept and make, that the one constant thing in my life that didn't have to immediately change was my status as a full-time mom.  The settlement from my ex was enough to comfortably sustain me, so I had the luxury of remaining unemployed.  In fact, one of the last things he said to me before leaving our home was that he intended to provide enough maintenance so that I would never have to go back to work unless or until I chose to.  Of course, when the divorce was in full force, he wanted to renig on that, but he had said it in front of our children and they made sure he knew that.

Now I think I am ready emotionally, but the big looming question is, "What do I do?"  I am certainly a testament to change being ultimately a good thing and I don't doubt for a second that if I can find the right situation that it will enhance my life, but I'm just not sure which way to turn with that. 

I know your advice would be to let go and let God, and I don't disagree entirely, but I'm just not quite where you are on that continuum.  But I'm on the journey with you at some level and we can be support to each other along the way.

Love and hugs,

Brigid

[Certain Hope]

Hi Brigid,

   Thinking of your situation is what led me to this article, which although it doesn't directly apply to me (since I still have two of four children at home)
in many ways describes how I've felt as each of my other two daughters left to pursue her own life. It's happened to me in stages, but nonetheless, I can sense the changing winds. My responsibilities with 2 are already so much different than ever before... and these two are both fairly self-sufficient, low maintenance kids (lol- don't tell them I said that)... so I do wonder often... now what?

You said:  Over the last 4 years, I have had so many major changes and losses in my life, that I was forced to accept and make, that the one constant thing in my life that didn't have to immediately change was my status as a full-time mom.

Same here!! It's been exhausting. And you know.. there's such a push for women to be effective, producing members of society (including  stay at home moms, who often are recipients of a guilt trip, I think, for not making any more of a contribution ~ heh) ... but do we really need to prove our worth and value? No way. We do have a responsibility to ourselves though, I think, to prevent boredom by finding something to do with our time which will energize us and hopefully benefit others, as well. As far as the business of letting go and letting God... I think that expression means different things to different people. I've never viewed it as a way to shirk responsibility for conscientious planning and preparation as far as setting goals. To me, it simply means that I can skip the worrying & fretting and trust Him to open doors according to His will. Getting that fear out of the way opens the heart and mind up to all sorts of possibilities which we can miss when we're frantic, I think. I saw another article the other day which had what I thought were some good tips for considering options at the information gathering stage of all this. Will see if I can locate that one again and add to this later. Personally, I'm even thinking of getting a part time job at one of the local schools, just to be more involved in things there and enlarge my circle of contacts, so to speak. Might be fun! Have you considered re-entering the world of dog breeding? I imagine that's alot of work, but maybe on a smaller scale? I just know that there are limitless possibilities out there waiting, if and when it's time, with no shame at all in not being up to speed right this instant. Hope you can rest easy for now, Brigid, and just allow the ideas to flow.

Love and hugs back to you,
Hope

[Brigid]

Good morning Hope,
It's interesting that you would mention getting a job at one of the schools.  I recently checked the websites of the 3 districts in my immediate area.  Sadly, there are so many positions being cut these days due to severe budgetary cuts, that there aren't many jobs available.  I have an education degree, but it is so outdated that it wouldn't apply anymore.  I have thought about doing some subbing, but that is pretty far down on the list.

Dog breeding and showing is not an interest anymore.  It's too political, expensive and time-consuming.  I love my dogs, but I look forward to the day when I'm not as tied down to them and can do more travelling.

I do believe that God was watching out for me during my time of crisis and leading me to make good decisions when I wasn't capable of making them myself.  My therapist is an Episcopal priest and we talked about that a fair amount in my 2 1/2 years of being together, but the therapy was not religiously based.  I don't doubt that God is still there watching out for me, but has stepped back to allow me to make decisions on my own now that I am mostly capable.  I don't know if that perspective makes sense to anyone else, but that is how I feel about it.

Hope you can rest easy for now, Brigid, and just allow the ideas to flow.

Unfortunately, patience has never been one of my strengths, but I am putting myself to the test.  

Enjoy your Sunday.  I'll be hopping on the back of the Harley soon for some fun and fresh air.

Love,
Brigid

[Certain Hope]

Dear Brigid,

   Yeah, I am not really sure quite what to do with myself, either, but I was thinking of involvement with the schools as being a way in which to keep in contact with alot of positive growth... even if  only as a teacher's aide (no teaching degree here). To me, being able to give to the community would bring alot of satisfaction and enjoyment. Another option under consideration is to work at one of the nursing home facilities in the area, although I'm not sure I'm cut out for that. When finances are not a pressing issue, there's alot more freedom to consider a wider variety of opportunities, and for that I'm grateful.

Ahh... travel. On the back of a Harley?    I think I'd prefer a roofed vehicle, but maybe I'm getting too stodgy in my middle age!

What you say about God's protection and guidance makes perfect sense to me. I know for a fact that He's stood in the gap for me when I couldn't sit up, let alone crawl in the right direction. And that patience does grow with each new testing... not sure we ever get enough of it, but every little bit helps. And always, always... expect the best. You can, because that's what is in store for you.

I thought you might be interested in this site:   http://emptynestmagazine.com/mag/LConbecominge.n.html

It's about life changes ... the challenges and many joys involved.  And here, Dianne Sundby, PhD, writes: 

My book, You Know You’re An Empty Nester When… is a product of my personal experience.  When our youngest child left for college, my life took a dramatic shift—like going from drive to park at 100 m.p.h.—a screeching halt to the familiar life I had learned to navigate: life with “a kid at home.”

Sounds like her book is full of good humor and valuable tips... and the site is full of goodies, too. Hope it helps.

(((((((Brigid))))))))

Love,
Hope

[Brigid]

Hope,
Thank you for the web page.  I will explore it more fully when I have all that empty nest time  .  It looks like there is a lot of good information there and a chance to talk with other ener's.

I was very active in my school district as a volunteer for virtually all the years my kids were in school.  It was a great way to get to know all the personnel and become familiar with how everything worked.  The nice thing about having a job in the district, is the vacation schedule which matches your childrens'.  They are often looking for aides--especially in our district, which is reknowned for their special needs programs.  I don't see that being up my alley, however.

The concept of the en becomes different when you are either single or in a less-than-wonderful marriage.  Before I found out my marriage was falling apart, I was beginning to look forward to the kids being gone a bit with the chance to do some travelling and finding new common interests with my exh.  I know now that it would have ultimately been horrible and even more lonely than being single, but at the time I didn't see that.  For my friends who are mostly happily married, the en has turned out to be a great time of life with lots of new possibilities for the relationship and for them individually.  So, in your case, you probably have a lot to look forward to when that last kidlet flys out of the nest.  Sometimes it becomes worse when they want to start coming back--and then you need to change the locks and leave no forwarding address. 

I guess the relationship with my b/f will now have a chance to find new ground and we'll see where that goes. 

Ahh... travel. On the back of a Harley?  I think I'd prefer a roofed vehicle, but maybe I'm getting too stodgy in my middle age!

It was a perfect day on the Harley.  I didn't start riding until I was 55, so give yourself time--you may get less stodgy  .  I never imagined it either, but it was a package deal with the b/f and I now love it.  I also bought myself a convertible, so I can have the wind in my hair most of the time when the weather permits.

Thanks so much for the information.  I'll let you know if I gleen any pearls of wisdom.

Hugs,

Brigid